Mental health

maddy I sympathise and empathise. My S has serious MH problems.
I don't say too much but he is not able to help me with my other problems.
He feels very guilty about this but this only compounds the situation.
He does not deal with problems and blames me for all the ills in his life.
I will add you to my prayers as I know just how you feel.

How do you know someone has mental health probs. They could just be moody or upset about something. Im always confused about this

((( hugs ))) maddy.

I am at the very beginning of this journey and I feel for you.

Ethel if you had ever had a family member with MH problems I can assure you, you would know.
To say they might be moody or upset is so far off the mark it is is ridiculous.
They are very ill indeed and need lots of professional help and it can last for years or a lifetime.

Yes you would know Ethel, as Ann has said

Thank you all you lovely ladies, (and gentlemen if there any) because your support, although virtual, means so much to me. I think we always believe when it’s in a better phase, that it WILL be better, and then hope is squashed by reality and we come crashing down again. I have just returned from a wonderful holiday, and first contacts with family were positive, but today my AC was unable to manage emotions again and succeeded in making today unpleasant for us all, though in reality, probably even more unpleasant for herself. We have had worse times, much worse, but I think I was feeling positive after our holiday and found my hopes dashed. I did a little research with regard to support prior to the holiday, but now we’re home I think I need to do more. I feel I rely too much on my family, my poor elderly mother and other children, not to mention my long suffering husband, who suffers as much from our AC’s actions as I do.
Thank you ladies. I’ll keep you up to date with any developments, and I’m so sorry so many of you are suffering similar difficulties in your own families. It’s all so sad.

To be honest ethel, to begin with you want to feel that the person is just moody, or difficult, or anti social or whatever. As a parent, you don’t want to believe that your child is this ill, but eventually you are forced to confront it, the truth is laid bare for you to see. I think we knew for several years, but medical help was only accepted for short bursts, and then the person seems to improve, and you think, whew, we’ve weathered that storm. But the storms keep coming, the behaviour becomes more bizarre and/ or dangerous, and finally you are hit with the unpalatable but inescapable truth. And then you have to act, in our case, to almost force a medical appointment, and eventually, you get a diagnosis. The truth. Please remember Ethel, that it is not just moods, but dangerous behaviour, that often finally alerts people to the truth, and in any case, just being moody wouldn’t even begin to describe what can, and believe me does, happen.

Here we go again, I’ve been screamed at and abused again this morning. DH was abused on the phone for twenty minutes during the week. Why do I put up with it, everything I say is misinterpreted, so I go silent. Many tears ( from me, she doesn’t cry) and I feel thoroughly emotionally shattered. Would I be better if I cut ties with her? And then this cycle of abuse would stop. But then there’s the children! I feel like just cutting ties today. My own mental health is being affected. Do any of you ladies who are coping with this ever feel like this, or is it just me, who’s weak?

maddy you are not weak, you are tired. I know how you feel and ache for you . Cutting off would give you a break from the abuse but possibly you would then be worrying how your daughter is coping. In the years my daughter was so ill , she wasn’t abusive but wore me down with other things. I tried cutting off, at first the rest for my mind was a relief but I soon began to question her husband and her cousin who were in contact with her how she was, I couldn’t stay cut off from her. Difference for me was knowing my daughter even in her darkest times loved and needed me. There may be others here who can advise x

Thank you for your quick response and kind words Annie. Today I just feel like I can’t live like this any longer. I’m absolutely sure that that my daughter doesn’t love or care for me, I’ve felt like this for a good while. I think she ‘needs’ us in some way, then again when she says she’d be happier living somewhere else, away from us, because apparently we cause all her problems, then I think, no she neither needs nor cares for us. Everything is about her, it’s as we have no feelings at all. We’re simply not really human in her eyes.
Thank you for words of comfort, it helps to know people care. I can’t continually burden my other children with all this, it’s not fair on them.

I do hope the the OP can soon see past the stigma, noticeable in some posts here. Mental illness is just that, an illness, in the same way hat bodily illnesses are illness. Drug and alcohol addictions are not mental illness, though they can lead to it, as can homelessness.

The great scandal is the lack of NHS funding going into mental health, including longer spells of training in mental health for medical students. We need good GPs for mental health in every surgery, and sheltered housing for those who can't live safely independently.

Maddy, if provision is not good in your area, have you contacted your MP? There is a good chance that you will be taken seriously, but of course you need to be sure of what help is available to your daughter first.

It's a fine balancing act isn't it maddy. Feeling you want to support your daughter, but also knowing that you need to protect yourself and your own emotional health.

I know there are many on here who will be able to support you through their own knowledge of the nightmare it can be.

But please have a long-distance hug.

I would definitely suggest getting some counselling for yourself.

It's not easy to deal with a mentally ill person. It's also not at all wrong to say that you need some time for yourself. If you were caring for someone with a physical illness you would be encouraged to seek out respite. It's not unreasonable at all to say to your AC, "I'm sorry but I can't listen to you about this today. Let's talk about something else." That's called setting boundaries. It's not abandonment. It's healthy.

I just want to add my thoughts Maddy it’s such a fine line you are walking at the moment
About your daughter blaming you for everything please remember that it’s the person they love the most they will abuse because you are the one they can trust and feel safest to abuse they know you will always be there
Please look for support and help for yourself you will be guided the best way to handle certain situations
Are the grandchildren safe ?
?

Yet again, I thank all you kind ladies for your caring support. I did actually receive an apology the other day, by text, and followed with justification as to why she felt that way. She is under treatment, and I know these things take a long time, so I'm not expecting miracles, but every outburst of abuse wears me down, especially as we try to not provoke her in any way at all. Her father is wonderful with her, never loses his cool, points out the reasonable and kind way of looking at things, rather than the unbalanced way of interpretation. But I unfortunately am not as strong emotionally as he is, and the abuse wears me down. It's taken a long time for me to recognise it as abuse, I thought of it as, well just the way she is. I found myself envying my friends with perfectly normal mother and daughter relationships. But it's not just me, our entire family suffer from this situation, but she thinks we're all out of step, remember the saying 'All the world's out of step except me' .
Bluebell, I ask myself that question sometimes. I do think they suffer because of the outbursts. Luckily she relies on us to do a fair bit of childcare, so we had them this weekend, and we've got them again for a couple of hours later today. I feel they need us as we are a stable force in their lives so am reluctant to be anything other than consilotry whatever she throws at us. DH and I are going away for a week shortly, just the two of us, it will be good for us.

Oh maddy I really do feel for you.

We all develop strategies to try and manage what is at it's worst a totally unmanageable situation. It's not fair and no-one should have to live with problems caused by mental illness, but we don't have magic wands to change things so we have to learn ways of dealing with the way things are. Is there a carers support group anywhere near you that you could attend? It really does help just to hear that others understand the difficulties you're experiencing - and in a group there may also be a people who can share tips that help you to cope.

Hi Maddy. I’m in a very similar situation. It’s heartbreaking. I don’t want to put details online but if you’d like to pm me I’ll get back to you (if I can work the technology!). Support groups can be helpful and I’ve had counselling, which was good, but nothing takes away the pain. Big hugs to you.

Perhaps try a few sessions of counselling. If they do not suit you, give them up. You have nothing to lose by giving counselling a try.

I wish you well.

Thanks again ladies, I really appreciate the support I’ve found on here. I also feel especially for those of you who are going through similar situations, it’s truly amazing how many people live with these types of difficulties. Having spent a good bit of time doing online research re support for parents of adult children with mental health issues, I’ve discovered that there is in fact, very little support available. There’s a lot of support out there for parents of young children with mental health issues though. I think I may give MIND a ring, they may be able to help, and I’ve made contact with two possible councillors/psychotherapists, although one has already emailed back to say she has no space available. I need to talk this through and develop the ability to withstand the onslaught when it arrives.
We are going through a more quiet time at the moment, only one nasty text in the last few weeks. I hope all of you out there who are suffering as well are having a quiet time too.
Thank you agnurse, your absolutely correct in saying I should say ‘ let’s not talk about this now.......’ but the problem is that this would in no way bring about the calm that it should bring about. In fact I have tried the ‘ I can see you’re upset, let’s talk about this when you feel calmer’ but unfortunately that is like showing a red rag to a bull. AC becomes even more abusive, it’s difficult to describe how a tiny thing , or a behaviour by us or someone else, can cause her such huge distress that she just screams and screams at us, often for long periods of time eg an hour of screaming abuse is not uncommon. Her father tries and tries to reason and be calm with her, but is no longer ever successful in this. We’ve tried every possible way to help, support, not upset her, but only her medical help will eventually help her, I hope anyway. So for me, it’s down the councilling route I think.
I hope you’re all having as good a day as you can. for you all.

I feel for you, wish there was something I could do. You are not alone.

maddy, don’t give up x

if you are able to get some help maddy it would give you the opportunity to talk to someone who is impartial and not involved because sometimes it is hard talking to friends or family because they are also involved. Counselling may also perhaps help provide strategies to cope with what Must be a very stressful situation. Do give Mind a ring.

I’ve contacted a few councellors to talk it through and develop strategies for dealing with this, and I’ve now got an appointment for an initial assessment to see if we both want to work together. It’s not for a couple of weeks though, but this isn’t going anywhere soon, so no problem to wait.
MIND is the next call ( had a busy time and put it off for a bit.)
To all of you who are also suffering, sending support and

And just another thank you to you all for being so supportive, it helps, believe me.

A step forward maddy, this is good x