Mental health

maddy I am so sorry for your problems and relate very much to what you have been saying. In my experience, people who are mentally ill tend to think about themselves obsessively while ill, it is very wearing as a carer but it's part of the illness.

My dd had a traumatic birth 3 days okay my beautiful gs is doing well she has had to go back into hospital today. I am so anxious and worried about her. She has been so distressed.

Scarlet, I’m so sorry to hear of your difficult circumstances. I realise that it will be very distressing for you that your daughter has been readmitted to hospital. You don’t say what the problem is, but you do say how distressed your daughter is feeling. I do hope baby has been readmitted with her as it is best not to separate mother and infant at this early stage.
When I started this thread I was at my wits end with worry and distress about my DD who has suffered from mental health issues for a prolonged period. Sometimes the pain is so bad and the distress so great that it’s therapeutic to just write down a little of what is happening. The lovely ladies who responded on this thread not only helped me, it turned out that many of them are going through, or have been through, similar situations in their own families.
I hope you feel Scarlet that just writing this down has helped you a little. At this point your distress will be great, hopefully your daughter will regain her health and return home to her family soon. xx

Just popping back to see how your daughter and baby are scarlet. Everything improving I hope.

Humpty, you are correct, sadly mentally ill people do think only of themselves. We find this all the time with our beloved child. It is impossible for her to see things from anyone else’s point of view, resulting in the sad situation that any discussion goes around and around and around. It’s all so sad, but I get weary of it. The worst times are when I become too distressed and anxious to deal with it. At the moment, I’m just weary.

A friend has been coping for years with her DDs severe and enduring mental illness. She phoned yesterday and updated me on all that's been going on. I was appalled. Despite masses of support and input from NHS and other care organisations the awfulness continues. My friend is a valiant and devoted mother who has been fighting for her DD and suffering along with her. She said that she's shed many friends and social contacts over the years as there's been no time for them.
I've been feeling so sad and sort of crushed for her. My question for you mums in a similar situation is what would be the best thing for me to do? What's a good thing to say? What should I not say? I don't want to be clumsy. I'd love to help her in some way but I just don't know what to do. At least we're back in contact. I want to do some sort of social thing. Just a change for her. What do you think?

Jane10 this is a dilemma as unless you know the type of mental illness your friend's DD is going through then it's difficult for me personally to say or advise your best plan. I don't expect you to rattle off details or type of medication just perhaps a hint of behaviour.
You see, I had experience of this up until 2 years ago with my friend's daughter who was really sick and hospitalized caused by something which had been on-going for years since the birth of her daughter.

Act normally around your friend and speak as you normally would in conversation. Try not to make the illness the main focus. Difficult I know if you're not accustomed to such situations.

I've been a professional in the field! In this case I'm not optimistic unfortunately. Instinctively I'd like to help to steer the mum away from constant rumination on her DD. It's become her life. I understand that. I'd love to be able to give her other, nicer things to think about and do. Maybe that's too obvious though, maybe that would annoy her. The poor, poor soul has been living a special sort of hell for years.

Jane. I think it’s similar to being the mother of a child who has been abducted, the mother keeps searching for their lost child

Jane, it does take over your life at times, and for me those are the worst times. As a parent going through it, yes, it lasts for years, and eventually you do realise it will probably never go away, you’ll never be free of it. As a friend supporting your friend, the best thing I think you can do is simply be there, in person or at the end of a phone. The support I have received from my friends, and from friends on Gransnet, has helped me so very much. All you need to do is listen, neither you nor your friend can make it better. There are bad times and better times, few times are good in my experience. But the listening, the love, the concern from friends and other family members helps. Of course people deal with it in different ways, my husband has his hobbies, his gardening and so on, and he gets on with those as and when he can. He is happy then, he can forget for a while. I find comfort in seeking out my dear friends, one in particular who spent a whole afternoon with me crying on the phone due to what our dear child had done. Meanwhile DH was up at her home trying to sort it out. That day I couldn’t face going to help, I was beyond helping another, even my own child, I needed my friend and my mother who listened, loved, cared.
Jane, you are right to do normal things, a walk, a shopping trip, a lunch out etc with your friend, but when she wants to talk, let her. Just be there for her is the best advice I can offer. It sounds to me as though you are doing a brilliant job of supporting her anyway. But remember, you can’t solve the problem and make it better. My DH would like to that, it’s a man thing apparently, but even he knows now that he simply can’t do that. But he’s optimistic, and always looks for improvement, even when there’s not much to see.
I hope that’s helped you Jane.

Yes Annie, you keep wishing and looking for what once was, even when realistically you know that even what once was wasn’t what you thought it was.

Annie that's so poignant

It’s true nina , well it was for me, I kept fighting, praying, hoping for the return of ‘the sunshine of my life’ , the illness had taken it from me

Thanks maddyone. I'll try to do my best to be as supportive as possible. Best wishes to you too. It's a sair fecht as we say up here.

Thank you Jane. xx

Maybe this will give those of you who are going through similar some hope, because my dear daughter seems to be quite a lot improved. I pray this will continue.

I should have said, for the first time in a very long time, my daughter and baby grandson turned up at our house this morning, totally uninvited, and we had a pleasant half hour with her and the baby. She was smiley and happy, and baby adorable (as always.) She hasn’t called in uninvited for so, so long, it was a little taste of how she could be before.
Thank you for all your good wishes and prayers.
I continue to hope and pray for all of those of you who are similarly affected.

maddy I'm so pleased for you. Those 'normal' interludes give some hope for the future.

I think it’s similar to being the mother of a child who has been abducted, the mother keeps searching for their lost child.
Annie that is so, so true - we remember the people they were when they were well and sometimes we glimpse that person again and grieve for what might have been if this dreadful illness had not taken over.

maddy, hold onto the visit this morning , your daughter is still there underneath the illness , you saw your daughter this morning not the illness. I learned to seperate the two, when times were realy grim it was the illness not my ‘sunshine daughter ‘. X

Thank you so much grannyactivist and Annie. You are both so kind. I did indeed see the real girl today.

My God daughter has more than one complex mental health issue and is very difficult to live with sometimes. I have supported her and her mother ( my best friend) all her life, she is now 29. She has a support worker and a CPN and has been hospitalised many times in psychiatric care , often because she has tried to kill herself. She is more stable at the moment and has gone from supported living to a small flat for herself just around the corner from her mother. The diagnoses took a long time to be realised and it is so worrying so you have all my sympathy. My friend had counselling for herself which she found helpful and I always support her. Do you have a close friend who understands you can offload to ? The Samaritans is also always available

Hello Twiceasnice, I do have a good friend who I talk to, and I have just started councelling myself. I’m very sorry to hear about your friend, but it does sound as if you are supporting her well. Times can be tough when there are mental health issues, but we are going through a fairly stable patch at the moment. There’s always the fear that it will suddenly deteriorate, but we must all take it one day at a time, I think.
I hope all the others on this thread find they have a little peace through the festive season.

It’s good you are seeing a counsellor maddy, I start seeing one this week but I fear it’s ten yesrs too late.

Don't give up Annie. Remember the last verse of psalm 27 . And this inspiring video, the DM gets some good stories too:
www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-6480727/Trapped-elephant-clambers-canal-rescuers-throw-ingenious-ladder.html?ito=video_player_click

Fennel thank you . Brave elephant, didn’t give up

Yes Psalm 27 , 1st and last verse