Grandchildren’s presents.

Mcem I had the same problem years ago with my 2 oldest grandsons, we (my son and I) always bought the "big" toys for their birthdays Xmas, but inevitably they would disappear within a couple of weeks, she was selling them. In the case of clothes I literally used to strip them, they always came in rags, and shower them when they came to us on Friday night and they wore clothes, shoes jackets etc we had bought them and kept at our house. I always bought their winter jackets shoes etc plus clothes for birthdays & Xmas but she never put them on the days they were coming to us.

As a teacher I spent literally ages trying to get divorced parents to check their children's schoolbags, as I was frequently told that books, homework, essays etc had been left at whichever parent's house the child had just left.

There is no generally agreed etiquette here, only a minefield.

I agree with the poster who said that once you give a present, it is up to the recipient to decide what to do with it. If the children's mother is selling toys you spent good money buying, I understand why you might want the toys left at your place, but please, do try discussing with the children's parents whether they feel the children have too many toys that are never played with.

Otherwise stick to small presents and the savings account idea, or stipulate that a present is to remain in your house before you hand it over.

Bopeep I feel for you, sorry you are going through all this, I am going through something similar. Also 6 hours and no overnight stays doesn't seem nearly enough access. Is your sons name on the birth certificate if not he needs to apply for parental responsibility and then he will have more rights and can apply to court for more access. As for the expensive present, I usually give my grandson money but this year am just buying him some clothes. Don't we live in complicated times sometime I despair with it all.

Nicenanny3 yes he is on the birth certificate, they have been separated 2 years but she has only just in last few months allowed him to have access to them, he has been devastated and got very down because of it, he is so happy that he actually gets to see them that he doesn’t want to push her in case she changes her mind, he has a bedroom all set up for them when they eventually can stay. He can’t afford to go through the courts unfortunately. Like you I despair of it all too. ?

I too am surprised by 6hr/wk access for a parent. Hard to parent on 6hrs. Did courts grant her full custody? Can CitizensAdvice offer him any help other than going through the courts?

Bopeep has he tried going to Mediation, not as expensive as going to court? My son went this route and got 2 overnights a week, although still having problems, she won't let him take his son on holiday, the threat of court if mediation didn't work got him the overnights because he said if I take it to court I'm going for 50/50 access.

I agree Citizens Advice way to go. Gingerbread might be helpful but CAB very good. I would not settle for this if I wanted more. But your sons decision really.

I would tell her that you won't be buying expensive presents anymore because you've seen her selling other things you've bought on facebook, especially as you are not allowed to visit and enjoy seeing the children using/playing with them. I agree, personalise the ones you do buy so they are harder to sell. Write a message in books/on jigsaws etc. to say they are from you etc. or open an account for the children, which they do not know about, and give it them when they are older.

When my Grandchildren were younger, well early teens I suppose, at Birthdays when they had presents given they took them to the parent who they were staying with that week,they had double of everything in clothes, saving them packing them every weekend at the handover, sounds expensive but it worked well.
I just wish they all lived together and didnt have to do the handover every week, I find it quite upsetting although I suppose it is normal for them now.

When my daughters were young all presents were brought back home(always wanted to show me what they'd got) however they would often take a few things back as they spent every other weekend (Friday -Monday at their dad's) clothes they used to take with them. Similarly my stepdaughters used to take any presents home to show mum but would bring stuff back to leave with us so they had some of their own toys at our house. Clothes/shoes were a different and had clothes that we bought that stayed with us.

Hm99 it hasn’t been through the courts to expensive for him he can’t afford it.

nicenanny3 mediation is an option for the future. He is just taking it slowly for now.

My DS keeps his DS toys/clothes bought by our family at his house. However, if DGS wants to take them back to his main home that is not a problem but they come back with him next time he comes. It also works the other way round that toys/clothes come from his main home and go back. Never been a problem at all.

Jobey68. Agree and how sad the parents can't get a life and put the children first.

I am in the camp of 'small present' or maybe a Christmas Stocking with bits and bobs which they could play with when with grandparents/ non residential parent and start, or add to savings account. Although for my DGDs birthdays we have bought tickets for shows they want to see! That way it is an experience for them to enjoy and not a thing!

You know the answer let them open the presents when they come to see you and then take them back home to Dads. Some women behave terribly after a relationship has failed and when that affects children it’s despicable. When the children grow up they will realise how good you and there Dad have been over the years.