MIL/DIL - Help me understand my MIL

Ps. When I was a young mum, what with 2 kids, part time work, husband and house/childcare to organise, I really didn't have time to psychoanalise every move my MIL made/did not make. Just a thought....

and not very helpful or kind thought really

Yes minerva sadly such d's.i.l. do exist.

Diktat sounds just like my d.i.l. too crazy and whenever I read her posts I am reminded how fortunate we are that we'll never have anything to do with her, ever again.

DIL17 - you’re doing great and I’d be happy to have you as a DIL. Somewhere between the vindictive suggestions of cutting your MIL out completely and worse, imo, those criticising your reactions, lies the way forward. Frankly she sounds a bluddy nightmare but she’s part of your life, and you must claim the higher moral ground here. Of course she was trying to hack you off by not telling you about the party, but please don’t show her you’re upset, that’s what she wants.
I had a SIL who behaved in a similar way, and every time she pulled one of her stunts I used to laugh, roll my eyes and say “oh bless you silly girl, I’m sure you meant well”. It drove her crazy.
Carry on being a great mum and wife, and don’t let the old bat get you down.

My Sister is a potential MIL from hell.

She told her Sons' future Bride that she would arrive early at the wedding venue to help 'dress' her on the big day.
She was not happy when the Bride, a lovely young lady, told her that her own Mum was going to be there to help her on this important day.
All through the planning, my Sister has tried to overshadow the Brides' mother which is so sad.

I reay love both my DiL and think my sons are lucky to have wives who are wonderful in every way. Obviously, I don't know everything that goes on (nor should I) but from what I do know and see, they treat each other and both sides of their families very well indeed.
It helps that neither sets of parents live near the couples, they don't babysit and don't lend money. Neither of those have been needed anyway as they manage the children on their own.

*Oops! really, not reay

I do agree a little with minniemouse You should be too happy and confident to care what she does.
Too much of your busy life is being taken up by this.

Jalimall08 that's it! I've been trying to word it and that's it. I don't think she recognises some of the features that seem lovely don't always impact everyone in that way.
I know someone like that DIL17 so I do understand.
However, she is lovely and kind and I am very fond of her

I hadn’t thought about the undermining when we aren’t there. ? but it’s an interesting point.

I think we need to just start again. Maybe just do things when other family are there and build it up

She is a nightmare at times, but she’s DHs mum and even though he says she annoys him, I know he cares a lot.

You guys are much more useful than Mumsnet!

1974cookie.....your sister, what a nightmare !

DIL17 You are a generous, patient and kind person who is taking into account your husbands feelings, trying hard to understand your MIL and not allowing your own hurt to impact on your DD!

I think you need to plan your responses, reactions to your MILs various behaviours etc in advance so that you are prepared. …..

So when she cries etc maybe say "I am sorry that this upsets you (pass her a tissue!) but it is really important to us that .…..! How can we help you to remember that?"

When she does not follow the principles with DD that you have explained maybe say..." If DD walks round whilst eating we will have to give her time out, as she knows that is not allowed. None of us want that so lets be consistent and stick to how we like things done!" (same response as above, if she cries!)

The Party …."What a lovely surprise for us all. If you had let me know I would have been happy to help! Never mind, you have treated me to a lovely happy time without any of the work. Aren't you kind!" (and smile!!)

If you do talk to her I suggest focusing on the impact of her behaviour from your perspective as in …" When you let DD walk around with her food it confuses her as that is not what we do! Do you think that is good for her?" If she says that she doesn't agree .."I understand that you don't agree. However (,,,,Name of your husband) and I have agreed this is the right way for us. When you let DD …..it confuses her as that is not what we do! Do you think that is good for her?" And so on....!!

When she ignores you just sit and listen. Next time you see her, pick up on something that she was saying in that conversation that you listened to..."Last time we were here you were talking about ..! How is that going/did you have a nice time/ have you made your mind up yet? If she doesn't really respond just smile and say "Well anyway, it sounds interesting!" and talk to someone else or just sit and listen again!

When she speaks to you like a child ...maybe laugh and say …"Oh you sounded just like me/OH when we talk to DD then...don't forget I am not 6j years old" and laugh again!

I am not sure why your ML is behaving as she is ...I don't think it is automatically deliberately nasty but it might be; equally she might be insensitive; possessive of her relationship with her son, as she sees it; and many other possibilities.

Written down this all sounds very stilted but I hope it might help you think about responses that work for you!

Old batty. Why was my post not kind ? It was a very relevant observation. Some people over think situations. I find your comment unhelpful.

Who is to say what is overthinking? Its great to be busy but if something is bothering you day in day out, its not overthinking, its a problem.

I see no signs of an attempt to psychoanalyse, just try to improve a tricky situation.

Old batty
I have already said the original poster sounds a lovely girl. Am I not entitled to comment as others have done ? I stated my opinion. End of

Madgran thank you. I’ll try those types of responses. :-)

My strategy when dealing with passive agressive behaviours is to act like I do not notice that it is delberate. So I support those on here who say re the " suprise party" to say what fun it was etc. If her intention was to have pissed you off do not let her achieve that!
Re undermining your expectations re behaviour.. there has to be give & take here! Anything H&S obviously has to stand but for the few occassions at granny's you could say granny house rules are OK! Think what you could compromise on and tell her but follow through on things you feel are most important for your child's future happiness. That would put you in a stronger position so you are not ' meanie mum' vs 'Good granny' which is the game she is playing. Also you won't be so on edge and visits could be more relaxed. All relationships are give and take.. but there are plenty of ways to manage them to your benefit without a full on stand off. Hope you can work out a way to make this work. Your children are the most important here..keep sight of that. Good luck

Nice post PECS"

Family life can be difficult - you have my sympathy. I have a step-daughter and on my DH's big birthday a few years ago, she turned up at our house, with other members of the family, for a little celebration for him, with a huge birthday cake that she'd made (I'd ordered him a cake, so there were two). Not the end of the world (with hindsight!) but at the time I felt quite 'put out' - could she not have spoken to me about the cake, I thought!
Try not to let your MIL upset you or get under your skin any more than she is already doing. Have you tried practising 'mindfulness'? I'm not saying that in a flippant way. I'm getting married next year and feeling (already!) quite stressed by it. Everyone has an opinion on what you should and shouldn't be doing! I found a website the other day that had an article called 'The Mindful Bride' and I've found it very helpful. Perhaps it would help you to try to let some of her comments and digs 'wash over you'. It sounds as though you will never change her but you CAN change how you react to her. Good luck!

Mothers of sons are in a difficult place. I have 3 daughters see their mothers in law as necessary evils. This is because their mothers in law are rude, show little interest in them and don't understand reationships and communications are 2 way. Never had rows they all meet for lunch and Christmas etc but not at all close.

I'm afriad Diktat (not sure if i'd like to be known as..diktat) sounds far too confrontational. You are married to the son of this woman and have to make some progress.

You feel devalued and very upset by her behaviour. So would anyone. Unfortunately she's feeling the same. Her son who she still considers her child is making a life away from her with another woman...that'll be you! There's a power play going on. She needs to be reassured by your husband that he still loves and appreciates her. You have been really tolerant up to now but your hurt is causing you to be resentful and revengeful.

Please just attempt a lunch out somewhere neutral. I have no idea what her husband thinks of her behaviour. She has to get over whatever is causing her hositility.

Perhaps she sees your strictness as a bit over the top. No one likes badly behaved children but could it be possible her perception is that you might appear slightly overbearing and inflexible???? I know it certainly isn't her business and she should at all times support your rules but look from her point.

Good luck. I'm sending you a hug. You sound as if you're really committed to making the realtionship work and
a nice person.

Surely we bring up children to be healthy, independent adults.

The MIL has done her bit, time to step back, develop new friends, get out and congratulate herself on raising a nice son.
She should not be engaged in some sort of competition for the son's affections and attentions.

I don't think you can tar all mil's with the same brush Palliser, I have a girl and a boy and I am more than happy that they are married and leading their own lives. My son has children who I adore but I consult DiL about everything to do with them as she is a wonderful mother. I feel flattered when she includes me in things and grateful I am still a part of their lives - it is certainly not taken for granted. I had no trouble letting my son go but maybe that is why he is still very much in our lives.
My mother, who I love dearly, used to undermine our discipline with my children. I don't think she meant any evil by doing it. For example if I asked them to wash up she would say - oh they don't have to do that! I would find it extremely annoying but let it be. In the end it didn't do them any harm to know Granny was a soft touch.
I also had problems with my MiL as I was never good enough but at the end of her life it was me she came to and relied on. She was never aware of how I felt about her.

If my DGC come round and have lots of toys out and mum or dad says come on tidy up now, I usually say no don't bother I can do that later. My thoughts being that mum and dad have lots to do and if I do the tidying up it means they can get off home and prepare dinner etc and don't have to waste their time watching the DGC tidying up.
It never occurred to me this would undermine their authority or I was going against their wishes and what's more I don't think that's how they look at it either.
It is easy to misjudge another's actions.
I have 2 sons and although I love them to bits I was very happy to see them married. I don't wish to control their lives I only want them to be happy. Where this idea comes from that all mothers of boys are evil MIL determined to exert control over their sons and their families comes from I don't know. I know my mother loved her DIL very much and I too love mine. They are wonderful and kind mothers to their children and good partners to my sons.
I expect all mums have made mistakes bringing up their children. I know I was far from perfect. Perhaps grannies make mistakes too and don't necessarily realise it.

I have to agree about MIL and mother's of sons. Quite frankly I am grateful to the women who love my sons. I spent long enough bringing them up and caring for them. They are grown ups who can now live their own lives and I can get on with my many other interests. I do love minding and caring for my GCs, I try to stick to my DIL's rules, but I do sometimes get talked into a biscuit or scone by my persuasive DGD.
I wonder if the problem is some of these MILs don't lead a life of their own, with their own interests (buy her a membership of a group/organisation she might join?)

My daughter came across this one on Facebook and shared it for a good laugh!

^If you're happy and you know it, overthink
If you're happy and you know it, overthink
If you're happy and you know it,
Give your brain a chance to blow it,
If you're happy and you know it, overthink^

or you can also 'have a drink'

Palliser what a strange view you have of mothers of sons. My experience as a DiL was that I loved my sons parents dearly, especially my MiL , she was like a second mother to me. Both sets of grandparents got on really well and after my MiL was widowed and moved near us, she stayed with my parents who enjoyed her company and being with her.

Now I am the MiL. My relationship with my DDiL is the same as mine was with my MiL. Both families are quite small and we all consider and talk of ourselves as one family. We have twice had family holidays that incorporated both sides of the family together and are talking of a third.

Your experience may be of poor relationships, my experience is entirely at variance with yours. I would not make sweeping generalisations out of either of our experiences.