MIL/DIL - Help me understand my MIL

DIL17,
In the scheme of life, why would you allow yourself to get so upset over this?

What was supposed to be a lunch, turned out to be a birthday party for your DH instead! You could have been surprised and happy too, but instead you were disappointed that you weren't included from the get go. Why choose the latter?

You may feel I'm trivializing your feelings, but what I'm trying to do is to get you to see things from another perspective. To begin with, your MIL is likely not the evil player you perceive her to be, so why not give her the benefit of the doubt? As irritating as you may find this, many MIL's tend to be 'soft' with their grandchildren, but not deliberately or out of malice ....quite the opposite, it's what many grandparents for love of their GC. You may also find this surprising, but even after years of grand-parental 'rule breaking', most children grow up to be fine citizens and not the worse for it, at all.

In life, we have to choose the battles that are worth fighting because your health and happiness are at stake. Ask yourself if all that energy might be better spent trying to improve your relationship with your MIL. Why?...because A. She will likely remain your MIL for a very long time B. The day she is gone for good, you will find that all those years of grief were spent for 'naught.

My point is this: Is your 'battle' with MIL even worth fighting (and inevitably escalating), indefinitely? ....Or would finding ways to make peace with her (and possibly an ally) be the better alternative?

Diktat. Harsh, and two wrongs don't make a right.

Diktat I had only read your first post when I commented. Now I have read the rest, well, so glad you are not my daughterinlaw. Things are never black and white and it us your DD I feel for

Very hard to assess if MIL was trying to undermine you with the surprise party. I can see no reason why she should have told you before hand, it was to be a surprise. As a MIL with 2 DIL who I seem to get on with very well this is hard to read. I will admit when I have either of my gc to look after I do let them off with some of what I know their parents wouldn't. I don't let them run wild but I know I am a lot softer than I ever was with my children. Think I would not respond/react to your MIL, just ignore what you don't like to hear and she must surely give up her horrible stance against you. Congratulations on the expected baby and hopefully family relationships will ease.

DIL* your m.i.l. sounds just like mine.

It is frustrating when you feel you're being undermined. For what it's worth I think your desire to have a happy, healthy well behaved child is a credit to both you and your DH.

I hate to see children walking around while eating their meal, glued to the tv and/or an ipad. My m.i.l. was horrified if our boys had toys confiscated. She always knew because our eldest made a point of telling her, knowing he'd receive oodles of sympathy and I'd receive a withering look. So I do understand.

It used to drive me up the wall but fortunately for our relationship I began to realise that it was just her way. She's a softy and our eldest was her favourite probably because my DH is also her favourite.

He's now in his mid 30's and DH is 65 but she's still the same. She'll never change, now aged 88 and it's unlikely that your m.i.l. will change either, so try and let these things go.

Apply the rules agreed upon with your DH and don't see the time she spends with your DD as rewarding her bad behaviour. A relationship between a GC and GP is a wonderful thing, as beneficial to the child as it is to the GP.

I struggled inwardly with my relationship with my m.i.l. for many years. Some time ago out of the blue, she thanked me for the amount of time she spent with our boys. The baby sitting, days out and sleep overs and a couple of holidays we spent together. She said she'd spent more time with them than with any of her other GC and that she would always be grateful to me for that.

You sound like a smashing mum who wants to be a good d.i.l. so I hope you'll find away to navigate your relationship with your m.i.l. Maybe in years to come, she'll thank you the way my m.i.l. thanked me. It'll bring tears to your eyes; it bought tears to mine.

Oh dear cries and sulks, organises family parties with out telling you, refuses to defer to you as Mum and parent.......out of line, possibly narcissitic and definitely not getting on with her own life in a healthy way.

What age is MIL? Does she have a job? interests?

Diktat, you sound like one of my d.i.ls. She has manipulated my son into almost totally cutting me off. My son and I had a slight disagreement and instead of trying to smooth things over, she fanned the flames. My son and I were very, very close at one time.
I have the added sadness that my ex husband and his new wife see the grandchildren more than I do, because my d.i.l. is very friendly with them.
And before anyone says.....oh you must have said or done something. No, I didn't. I have always been fair to all my children and grandchildren. My other d.i.l. is a sweetheart, but I don't want to get too close to her, because I am scared of something happening.
How complicated life can be sometimes......and I think mine is the most complicated of all.

It must have been quite a shock for you, to turn up and be the one completely taken by surprise. I am so sorry. Well done, you, for not causing a scene. She might market her gesture as a surprise party for her son but, it is one upmanship, and she has thrown a surprise party for your husband. Be on your guard.

I hope your daughters birthday party goes well tomorrow and also that you can find a way to work through this with your mil. It’s hard, I wasn’t that close to mine, but did my best and think you will do the same. You both love your husband and your daughter, and will all love your new baby. Be happy, don’t sweat the small stuff as one poster said and unless serious abuse is involved don’t cut off grandparents, it is very cruel and causes years of upset. Wishing you well. Happy birthday to your little girl.

Sometimes I wonder if DILs can be as nasty as on some of the threads on Gransnet, then I read another of Diktat’s posts and am assured that they really do exist.

DIL17 It really isn’t easy to stand by and see GCs treated in a way that we find harsh. Of course she has to respect your child-rearing methods and learn to bite her tongue but she is not going to do any real damage in the time she is with your children and nothing you can’t put right when she is not around.
As for the party, I fail to see a problem. Answer to child wondering why you didn’t bring Daddy a present, “it’s a surprise party? and Daddy already opened his presents at home ?”.
I would suggest you look for the good in your MIL who shares with you the love for your husband/her son. Remind her gently of the rules, and if she forgets next visit then remind her again. It just isn’t worth a battle in which from the sound of it many other members of the family have been lined up behind you.

PS. DIL17. The above reads as if I meant to lump you in with Diktat which is certainly not what I meant

Thanks everyone,

Minerva the party was held about a week before his birthday so he hadn't had anything from our DD yet as we were waiting until the day. I didn't think she'd notice much so was a bit surprise when she said that and was caught a bit off guard.

My MIL is 60 and up until this summer was a teaching assistant at a secondary school but has now started work in a care home. Her interests are things like art, home crafts, classical music things which I try and listen and engage with when we all do talk, but I don;t think I'm very good at hiding the fact that I'm not really into those things.

CrazyH your response was interesting as DH;s parents split when he was 16 and are both now married to other people and I do get along with his step mother more, but we don't see her more often or anything, but we do share similar interests and both come from similar family background (big lots of people, my DH comes from quite a small family)

4all I'm also struggling to work out if it was a nice gesture that went wrong or a bit sly with calling everyone but me.

Also, just to say this has been very helpful so thank you for taking the time to respond with your own experiences.

^ I'm also struggling to work out if it was a nice gesture that went wrong or a bit sly with calling everyone but me.^

Hard to know DIL17 - but perhaps she is well-meaning but doesn't always think things through or realise the impact it may have on others?

Jalimall08 that's it! I've been trying to word it and that's it. I don't think she recognises some of the features that seem lovely don't always impact everyone in that way.

I've been trying to find a clear way to put that across.

DIL17 I understand your post and also the comment about children not looking at iPads during mealtimes. I suppose when I let my DGC watch TV (no iPads in those days) it was for them to sit quietly and eat and rest from play. I expect you have but I'll ask the question anyway. Have you ever told your MIL your feelings in the quiet understandable way that you have written down in your last post? You come over as calm and reasonable.

You are being urged by many to think of the surprise party as a cunning, devious plot by your MIL to impress on you her will over your DH. Is this how it really seems to you? I love my sons very much but am happy in the knowledge that they are happily married and have loving families of their own. I suppose I may in the past have overstepped things with my DILs but if I have they have been kind enough to never mention it. I love both my DILs . They are wonderful mothers to our grandchildren. They know I spoil our grandchildren but they read that as a show of love and treat it with pleasure that we care for them so much

I hasten to add that our DGC have grown up (despite my spoiling and watching TV at granny's) to be kind, intelligent, studious and caring people with a wonderful sense of fun and a joy to be with. I would have hated to miss out on any of it. Please try and explain your feelings to your MIL in a kind not shouty or bossy way ( which you don't come over as anyway) and see if you can patch things up.

Blimey I must be a right old bat ( as the name says) because there's no way I would be fussing about with surprise parties.

A firm handshake and a tenner in a card is all that is needed

Doodle I do try. I'll politely say that I don't really allow that at home and DH has said it to. My SIL and BIL are also very lovely in that they also say to DD if MIL lets her do these things "You know mummy and daddy don't really like that"

I don't feel the party was to impress her will over dh as such, but to maybe make me feel that married or not, it's not my family which is sad as I care about them. SIL was my maid of honor at our wedding last year and it's lovely we're now both pregnant (her first our second) and are due only a month a part. I also chat a lot with DH's aunts, uncle and his younger cousin.

I'm a little wary of a one on one type conversation as I don't want what either of us says taken out of context when replayed back to partners, but I'm aware that I don't want to drag people into this. I know DH would like to be there and has said it, but it feels odd him sitting there while his mum and wife do that.

I don't want to shout at all no, but make it really clear, crystal clear. It would be nice to patch it all up before DC 2 arrives.

Oldbatty I did laugh at that! She normally does that. never held a party for him in the 6 years we've been together. I'm a big fan of a nice card with £10 inside sometimes!

Yes, I do agree with an earlier post (think it was Smileless).......DIL17, you are a great mother, wife and with great jealousy, I say, a good d.i.l. to a rather difficult m.i.l. I wish you all the best with your pregnancy and delivery. Enjoy your lovely family ...I bet your little girl can't wait for the new arrival. My 'lovely' d.i.l is also pregnant with her second child ...the older boy is 3 and is eagerly awaiting the arrival of his baby brother ?

I am so lucky, with 2 amazing and lovely DIL’s, we get on great. I have always been sensitive to their feelings as parents to my GC, and would never exclude them or tread on their toes. Anyone who does this is just disrespectful. Of course us Nans do treat and spoil GC but it’s knowing how far to go, and undermining the parents should never happen. My own Mum alienated both my ex husbands, plus my brothers wife, for continuous criticism and just not knowing where helping ends and interfering begins. Trying to talk to her about this was impossible because she was and still is, just oblivious to anyone else’s thoughts and feelings. She has driven many people away because of this and has lost out a lot with family time. Saying nothing enables the situation to continue, but non one wants constant angst, so people just back away in the end.

DLI17 you sound lovely. I too never had much in common with my MIL. However, she loved her 5 children and numerous grand and great grandchildren dearly. Over many years I came to love and respect her quiet ways and realised there was no hidden agenda behind her quiet ways. Our grandson, her greatgrandson visited her weekly. She died a year and a half ago, he is 7 and still says how much he loved and misses her. This is not about you, my dear , she is a grandparent, and I think you need to embrace her good points and possibly, understand her failings. She was a mum, just like you. None of us are perfect. I remember my own lovely mum in tears when I chastised my daughter for something. Didn't make her a bad person. Just a granny. Give her some breathing space. I am sure she wants a good relationship. And as for her organising a surprise party. Smile and let it go x

DIL17 - it could be worse. I was relieved to see that SiL and BiL back you up over the things MiL claims not to have said or done. Sometimes a poster in your position says that their MiL is backed up in her unpleasantness by the Mil's entire family. That must be a nightmare.
My DD, should I overstep the mark, used to give me a Paddington Bear 'hard stare' and say firmly 'MY child!' That was when the DGC were small, she hasn't said it for years now!

Ps. When I was a young mum, what with 2 kids, part time work, husband and house/childcare to organise, I really didn't have time to psychoanalise every move my MIL made/did not make. Just a thought....

Let's give your MIL the benefit over the party and say she didn't mean to not include you but just didn't give you a thought. Not nice but not necessarily spiteful, just thoughtless. Or maybe she really wanted to surprise her DS but wasn't sure you would agree. Sneaky maybe but once again, not spiteful. If it were me, I wouldn't say anything now but I might ask her near his next birthday if she would give you some warning so you can be prepared if she is thinking of doing the same again.
As for the undermining with your DD, I would definitely want to nip that in the bud. Just because Nanny's think they want to spoil a child it doesn't make it right. I would pick my battles but I would hold out on the things that were important to me, like bad manners at the dinner table using an iPad. The reason I would not send my daughter to her unaccompanied is because if she undermines you to your face, I suspect it is much worse behind your back and it is so unhelpful. Stand firmly, be calm and speak politely but the next time she does it, tell her that you will not stand for her undermining you and she had the chance to make her parenting choices with her son but she doesn't get the chance to do it with his child because it is what you have both decided. I'd do things very differently with my DGC than my AC do but I've had my turn at parenting and now it is their turn.

diktat I cannot believe you are for real. You come across as a very unpleasant person. Talk about tit for tat.