First Weeks at School

As a teacher I would have preferred the girl's mother to come and tell me what was going on, so I could deal with it, rather than writing a letter, especially if the letter was written to the headmistress or master rather than to the class teacher.

However, as a mum, I would probably have done precisely what your DD did, OP.

I am shocked by the number of adults here who seem to think you can stop bullying by bullying the bully!

Whatever happened to teaching children by your example?

Griselda is absolutely correct. The best way to deal with this is for the child being hurt to say out loud ‘stop doing that you’re hurting me’. The children involved are very young and need simple, clear direction.

Can I say as well that many do not understand the attitude taken to boys in some communities I remember a young mum desperately asking a reception teacher if it was OK for her to still hug and kiss her son goodbye, the other mums were telling her she would make him a softy. Sometimes boys have little experience of affection.

trisher I won’t disagree with you at all on that point, but girls are not objects for boys to exercise their feelings on. He will have to learn how to express his emotions in a way that doesn’t involve harming other kids.

Unfortunately for this young boy, if his parents have failed to impart that lesson, the wider world will do so in a hurry. In this case, school will have to teach him the rules around violence to other people.

I despair that kids are left to learn this at school, but there are crappy parents everywhere and someone has to try and help their unlucky kids.

Oh I agree muffin I wasn't seeking to excuse his actions just to point out that he may not be 'bullying' as many have asserted, he may simply be trying to get attention, and he needs to learn better, but should not be labelled without more information.

Not at all is she being over the top, bullying needs nipping in the bud.

trisher yes, agreed. Sad but true, some kids arrive at school genuinely not knowing any better.

Hopefully for both kids’ sake this is sorted out ASAP.

Trisher I was referring to the earlier post by B9exchange where her GD was bullied relentlessly, it appears, and no action was taken despite it being reported more than once.

My daughter changed schools and went from being a really happy child to one coming home crying and not wanting to go to school. I asked who the child was and went to see the head about it. It turned out to be the head’s daughter. No trouble after my visit.

The nursery my children went to when they were little always told the children to say very loudly ‘Stop! you are hurting me’ or similar, so the teacher can hear and deal with it. They also don’t then get into trouble for being caught retaliating (if they do).

Think based on info. it is too early to suggest bullying. May be a confused and unhappy boy who needs guidance on how to communicate!, Let the teacher know!,

My gd, aged 9, was starting to be bullied by another girl in her class. When the girl told her in front of the class that only nerds wear dresses to school my gd, bless her, replied you don't wear one because you are to fat and can't get one to fit. End of the bullying and she continued to be the only girl in class wearing a dress.

A word with teacher AND headteacher then follow it up with a letter to the head to put it in writing if its not dealt with,so youve got written proof if it has to go further.and B9exchange- how awful for your poor GD- i sympathise with you all.But i too would have moved her to a different school years ago,just like the other parents did.maybe then your GD could have had more years of happiness in school.my youngest sons had been ok at a new school-(1 in last yr of primary school 1in 2nd yr)all was well at first,then something upset the applecart&unfortunately the other kids lived opposite us also- they took things from my sons when they went out to play everytime&used to taunt &bully them.my elder 1 started high school with 1 of the brothers& it got worse& it came to a head on school bus one day.so i moved him schools.he was a bit happier then but his little brother still went to primary with the yobs brother-& by then they couldnt go out after school at all because of these boys.i nicknamed them the Kray twins(they were that bad)In the end a house came up elsewhere and i knew i had take it,for their sakes.6 yrs on& theyre both older&happier- one in college,one in last year of high school.weve never had to see those bully boys again and i dread to think what would have happened if we had stayed in the same street,their lives probably wouldnt have been worth living,because the boys mother was condoning their behaviour and was a big bully of a woman who stood up for them.im not a big woman but i stood my ground when she banged on my door shouting(after school bus incident) but i shouldnt have had to.These people only know that kind of behaviour unfortunatly.

@b9exchange your daughter should contact chair of governors about this it should not have been allowed to go on this long! This type of low level ongoing bullying can lead to all sorts of serious problems and your dgc should not have suffered for 5 years! Please get her to keep the pressure on.

nannypiano
That's the way my father taught us to deal with bullies.
They never come back for a second does, do they
My daughter never deals with teachers now, she goes straight to the headmaster.

petra I wonder what you think headteachers do? I can tell you they pass it straight back to the class teacher. Who deals with it.

Yes, I agree it's best to nip this behaviour in the bud. Ideally, I'd have had a word with the teacher rather than write a letter but perhaps it was difficult to do so without being overheard.

Hope it's resolved soon.

* hootymcowlface* did they go to the school where I worked? The best strategy to avoid becoming a bullies victim that you can teach children is to get them to call out the behaviour or action loud & clear! Very tiny children can be taught to do this. It works well. It also stops tit for tat etc.

It is never easy to know where a situation actually begins..we all would like to think our DC /DGC would never be unkind or spiteful but they are all just fallible little humans! Getting kids to say loudly ' Stop I don't like you saying that, ( or whatever is happening ) rather than shouting back another insult helps adults to sort out the problem more easily.

OP well done to your daughter. Some parents find it hard hard not to get emotional when they report their child is being hurt, so a letter is a good start, besides being, as some have said, a record. Now if she wants to speak to the teacher, he/she will already know what it’s about and will be able to update your daughter on what’s been done, in addition to what the child has already said.
Much better than causing a scene or tackling the child who is doing the hurting, whilst making sure something gets done.

B9 Your GD experience sounds a very unhappy one. If your family feels the school has not managed the situation and your DGD continues to be distressed you must go on the school website.You will find a policy/ statement about behaviour and bullying. You will also find the complaint procedure.
Check that the school has followed its procedures according to its behaviour/ anti bullying Policy. If they have you can still make a formal complaint ( follow the complaint process) but you will need to be clear what exactly your complaint against the school is.
School may have dealt / be dealing with the child harming yor DGD. They of course cannot discuss details with you. They do need to know that your DGD still feels she is being bullied and is distressed. Also encourage DGD to report any bullying immediately and clearly to an adult she trusts at school.

And hard though it is to hear this there are
always 2 sides to every story. I know of several situations where a "bullied" child was actually fine in school but used the "victim" story at home for attention.
Equally I have met children who were undoubtedly bullying other children. They need to face the consequences of their actions and also to learn how to behave in a socially acceptable way.

B9exchange tell your daughter to ask for a copy of the schools ant bullying policy. Have a look at it and then ask for an appointment with the Head teacher to discuss concerns. If no joy with this write to the chair of governors and lay out your concerns/complaints. See how quickly it will be dealt with then. If you want any further info feel free to Pm me.

Having read through the posts again I am amazed at some people's swift assumptions and labeling a 4 ir 5 yr old a bully on the word of another 4 or 5 yr old!
It may well be the beginning of some bullying behaviour or it might be one anxious and upset little person who reacted badly to one situation. What worries me is that the little boy knows about " bending nails back" ..has someone done this to him?
Also what was the situation that gave rise to OPs DGD being hurt? We know part of the story..there will be more! Mum is absolutely right to inform the school about concerns as if DGD did not mention it at the time they may not know so cannot deal with it. On the other hand the boy may already have been spoken to and the issue dealt with!

There seems to be some misunderstanding here. My daughter gave the letter to my granddaughter's class teacher in the morning (there's no time then for a 'chat').

When she collected her in the afternoon, the teacher and she did have a conversation. The teacher told her that she had addressed all of the reception class on this sort of behaviour (not naming names). She then took my granddaughter to one side and told her that if this boy hurt her again, she was to tell her immediately.

That day, there was no more of this bullying. And so far, the little boy has left my granddaughter alone.

Sorted! (Fingers crossed ...)

Reading the other posts here, reminded me that my daughter was also bullied - but at secondary school. We tried everything to stop it - contacted teachers, parents, the child herself, etc. It didn't stop until we convinced our daughter to hit back (which we hadn't wanted to do). One well-aimed, hard punch to the nose, solved the situation. It's sad, but sometimes I think we just have no other option, but to return violence with violence.

We have some good news in that the latest school teacher is beginning to realise what is going on, and pulling up the bully whenever she starts. She has also told GD to go to her whenever she feels it is starting. GD is happier when she comes out of school. I did take your advice and tell her to say the child's name very loudly, followed by stop, 'that hurts' or whatever she is doing, and she is going to try this. Perhaps we can breathe again!

Eglantine - yes over the top and a glare and making it obvious they have been seen may be enough at this age, but still would with an older child if the bullying was bad.