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Disagreement with my DIL

(48 Posts)
SavtaLou Fri 21-Dec-18 03:19:31

We ordered a cot for
Our 3 month old grandson as soon as he grew out of his bassinet. Meanwhile my DiL has him sleeping on their bed in the middle of the two of them even though their doctor firmly said they should never do that. As we are staying with them at the moment I got drawn
Into a three-way argument about it with my DS and DiL which ended up acrimonious. I know I shouldn’t be getting involved but I think she is posing a danger to the baby

BlueBelle Fri 21-Dec-18 04:31:06

Is this your first post SavetLou ?

absent Fri 21-Dec-18 05:02:30

There can be health and safety issues about sharing a bed with a baby, depending on the parents' lifestyle and the child's health. Equally, co-sharing can be beneficial to both mother and child, especially when mum is breast-feeding. Hugh Jolly was my paediatrician when absentdaughter was born and highly recommended co-sleeping, unless there were negative factors, such as overweight or obese parents, alcohol or drug abuse and smoking.

Pythagorus Fri 21-Dec-18 05:04:17

Tricky. Of course it is dangerous. You didn’t say whether son was on your side or not. Were you and he both telling her it was wrong? Or was it you against the two of them?

Some things are worth standing up for, such as the safety of your grandchild. Your DIL knows this is wrong but she won’t like to be told.

Can’t you come up with an alternative sleeping place for the baby til the cot arrives? A large bottom drawer! How big is a three month old baby?

dizzyblonde Fri 21-Dec-18 05:12:04

It would be a good idea if you goggled safe co-sleeping. Although the recommendations are that the absolute safest place for a baby to sleep is in a cot in their parents room safe cosleeping only poses a negligible risk and that risk has to be balanced against parents getting enough sleep for them to be safe. I would imagine this is actually what the doctor said, anything else would be unprofessional.
I would suggest you apologise to your dil for getting involved as otherwise you risk alienating her and not seeing as much of your grandchild as a result.

dizzyblonde Fri 21-Dec-18 05:15:50

The tiny tiny risk it poses appears to be as a result of people not following the safe cosleeping guidelines. For example even a single alcoholic drink by either parent can increase the risk.
Cosleeping habitually happens in countries with very very low rates of cot death.

MissAdventure Fri 21-Dec-18 05:27:59

Your son is in the same bed as the baby too.
How has this ended up being about the risk only your daughter in law is exposing the baby to?

agnurse Fri 21-Dec-18 07:04:24

Actually the evidence suggests that co-sleeping can be quite safe for the baby as long as proper procedures are followed. If they're ensuring the mattress is firm, they're not drinking alcohol, and the baby isn't too warm, I don't see a problem.

mumofmadboys Fri 21-Dec-18 07:13:44

It is your DS and DIL's decision and not yours. Leave them to decide. Our babies always ended up in our bed! All five of them!

Eglantine21 Fri 21-Dec-18 07:14:11

Regardless of the safe sleeping debate, you should not have ordered a cot. You cannot go around furnishing other peoples houses and expect them to be happy about that.

I think you need to take a step back from from your involvement in their lives. If you push in too much they will push back.

nanaK54 Fri 21-Dec-18 07:21:04

Fine to make a gentle suggestion, but really not fine to start ordering furniture...….

Anja Fri 21-Dec-18 07:23:39

You are correct that co-sleeping increases the risk of SIDS and I understand your concern.

However, as grandparents we do have to stand aside and bite our tongues. It’s not your baby it’s theirs.

Madgran77 Fri 21-Dec-18 07:33:19

This appears to be a disagreement with your son AND your DIL , not just DIL!! If the y agree on the sleeping arrangements then I am unclear why DIL is apparently blamed!

I think ordering the cot without their agreement was unwise. Gently asking why the Dr said co sleeping was not good, might have created a better conversation if approached and followed up in the right way!

Grannyknot Fri 21-Dec-18 07:35:58

dizzyblonde I'm pretty sure the parents would have Googled, been on forums, discussed it in e.g. the NCT group, etcetera. To be lectured by a grandparent on what the Internet says, would be infuriating.

savtalou I think it is natural to be concerned as a grandparent but you have to trust the Universe and your son and DIL to know all the risks and make their own decisions. It's not your baby.

Grammaretto Fri 21-Dec-18 07:44:30

It's all been said but knowing the risks and being aware will help keep baby safe.
NCT hires out bed extender cribs but I guess these are up to 3 months.
I have a photo of DD blissfully asleep with milk dribbling from her mouth taking up the entire double bed.
Before the days of H&S old fashioned midwives called it spoiling. They may have had a point.

M0nica Fri 21-Dec-18 07:50:16

I understand your concern, but it is not your child and it is for the parents to make the decision. My DS and wife are doing something with one of their older children which makes me uncomfortable. I have not said a word, will not say a word, will not even drop a hint, haven't even said a word to DH. They are the parents and they make the decisions about their children - just as we did.

If your DS and wife knew you were getting a cot, and chose the one they wanted, that is fine. If you unilaterally went out and ordered one, without consultation, it is not acceptable.

Newmom101 Fri 21-Dec-18 08:07:34

Co-sleeping can be done safely. Provided there are no pillows or duvet near the baby and parents don't smoke or go to bed having drunk heavily. Doctors have to officially advise against it but many will actually agree that as long as the above points are followed it is quite safe. In fact, if the child sleeps poorly in a bassinet or cot and parents aren't getting any sleep thats more dangerous as they are more likely to fall asleep with the child on them.

Meanwhile my DiL has him sleeping on their bed in the middle of the two of them

Your son is the other part of the two of them I assume? Don't use this as a chance to have a go at your DIL. Your son is equally letting his child sleep there, it just makes you look spiteful towards your DIL. Even if your son disagrees with your DIL he's still sleeping in the bed. If he disagrees that much he could sleep elsewhere!

Also, to be quite blunt, you don't get a say. It's not your child. If you have a good relationship with them you can point out your concerns but that is the limit. You don't get to argue with them as they are adults and he is their child, not yours. Ordering a cot was way out of line.

Apologise and tell them you won't interfere in their parenting from now on.

Newmom101 Fri 21-Dec-18 08:10:41

And no, I didn't co-sleep. Tried it once and couldn't sleep myself. But I don't see the problem with co-sleeping done safely.

dizzyblonde Fri 21-Dec-18 08:13:08

Grannyknot I meant for her own reassurance, not to lecture the parents with, apologies if my meaning wasn’t clear.
An informed opinion may mean she finds it easier not to get involved as there is no need.

dragonfly46 Fri 21-Dec-18 08:22:14

My son and daughter in law had both their children in their bed until 6 months old. They had a Sleepy Head pillow which protected them. My DiL loved that they were the first thing she saw when she woke up.

Criticise the way they are bringing their children up at your peril. Things have changed since our day and never buy anything without asking first!

BlueBelle Fri 21-Dec-18 08:45:27

All my babies have co slept with me at times when poorly or unsettled My eldest was a colic baby and often fell asleep on me but would wake when laying her down so it made sense for her to stay and we both got to sleep
My youngest daughter slept on my chest in my arms for weeks as a small baby when she had a bad cough that wouldnt clear up My son less often I slept so lightly then, although now I hear nothing, even overhead thunderstorms
The most important part is you don’t have any right to make decisions for them and I think you know that You are very silly if you are going to use this as a rod to beat your daughter in law with I m sure the cot will get used when he is older or day time naps etc
The other wonderful memories I hold onto are the times when as older kids they shared my bed They d start off in their own bed but then if they woke or needed the toilet or weren’t well they come in and cuddle up My youngest used to call it the poorly bed as she always trotted in when she wasn’t well and I d wake up in the morning to find and extra body 😁

Luckygirl Fri 21-Dec-18 08:45:33

I hope you are not staying with them over Christmas!

It is not your business; and it is not just your DIL's decision.

Many parents co-sleep now and the evidence suggests that it is OK if certain guidelines are followed.

Their baby, their choice.

Time to start trying to love your DIL.

Febmummaofaboy Fri 21-Dec-18 08:51:24

I have read a safe co sleeping book and my favourite quote was that 94%of Swedish mother's cosleep and they are not seeing any higher rates in infant mortality. Co sleeping is bad if you are too tired, have loose long hair, baggy clothes, drink alcohol ect. If my baby is ill he will share my bed but I knew the other day I was too tired so I had him in his cot for safety. I think it isn't your place to tell them how to raise and look after their child. Hopefully your comments will be forgotten although the hormones with a 3 month old unfortunately I feel like it might be remembered for a while, hopefully you can all sort it out though and buying a cot is a lovely gesture thanks

annodomini Fri 21-Dec-18 09:22:40

A MiL should be prepared to give anything except unasked-for advice. Do you seriously think that your DS and DiL would deliberately endanger the life of their baby?

Maggiemaybe Fri 21-Dec-18 09:48:20

Hugh Jolly was my paediatrician when absentdaughter was born

Lucky you, absent! His book was my childcare bible, so of course we co-slept, though I never let on to my own mother, who was very much against it. On the other hand, my AC haven’t co-slept to my knowledge, and I wouldn’t dream of commenting one way or the other, unless I was asked directly for advice.