17 month old being denied solid food

EllanVannin I don't see a reason why they can't go back if they want to.

MissAdventure, thats what I thought too. Some people won't agree, but I feel like the baby's wellbeing is more important.

What should you do? Well you could start by realising that your DIL may not have wanted to come to the UK . She has left a job and a supportive family and accompanied your DS who hasn't a job. Perhaps she believes that he won't get one and that her and the baby's stay may not be for long so she prefers to keep him to the same routines he would have had. Then you have to decide if you want to help them stay here. If you don't then you just need to carry on as you are. If you do you need to put on a big charm offensive. That means allowing and even encouraging her to feed the baby as she wishes and not sneaking him food. That means asking permission to play with him. That means not searching their rooms when they are out.
I suspect that one of the problems is that all of you have had false expectations. I think your DS convinced your DIL that you were rich and would support them all. I think your DIL imagined she would be treated like a queen. I think your DS imagined you would solve all his problems for him and I think you imagined you would have a DIL who would benefit from your professional advice . The trouble with families is they never work the way we imagine and reality needs a lot of effort to make things work.

@Jalima1108 yes they are registered with my GP and my son is on the phone to them now.

Its his chest that is the problem, its noisy and hes struggling to talk because of breath shortness. Yes it is a pain they can't live independantly. I don't want to be overinvolved, but I am concerned.

Trisher, you have probably hit the nail on the head. I'm not happy with the situation but I don't think it's me that should make all the effort.

Lavazza1st it is entirely up to you. But can I say that having experience of a DGS who developed major breathing problems in the middle of the night and had to be taken to hospital by ambulance if the baby does seem to be getting worse please just make your DS take him to A&E if there is a near one or ring NHS 111. We were in the middle of the countryside on holiday when it happened and the most shocking thing for me was my DS being told to collect the defibrilator from the next village immediately 'just in case'. It hadn't occurred to me until then just how serious his condition was. (DGS made a full recovery and is now a boisterous 4 year old, but he was just 2 when it happened)
I wish you luck anyway family life is Bloody difficult

I think you should forget the feeding and give your daughter in law a break, but definitely if his cough and breathing is getting worse get your son to ring 111 you can’t mess around with a baby that can’t breath properly Does he have a temperature ?
I hope all is ok with him

grannyactivist - what an interesting pamphlet!
Once the breathing is sorted, it might be worth printing it out in case the familiarity of the dishes, and the whole look of it, makes it seem safe. How lovely that it's in English too.

I posted on the other thread but I will re-post on here (it is getting rather confusing!)

However, as for food, the little one needs to have the food that he is used to and introduce Western food very gradually. His health is important.

trisher my DC1 developed bronchiolitis which was very scary - I think she should have been hospitalised but the locum GP (at night) decided that Ventolin syrup and a steamy bathroom was the answer.
Luckily she was fine but she did have 'chesty' problems for a lot of her childhood although she is fine now. The child living opposite with similar symptoms did go to hospital (different practice).

my son is on the phone to them now.
that is a relief.
It could be a chest infection picked up on the plane but it needs a doctor to diagnose.

Jalima - HV now say semi skimmed from 1 year but ?
- it tastes horrible and luckily they can only advise.

Oh!

They keep changing the goal posts.

@Jalima1108 it's not their room. Its my house and I went in there to get some of my things which are in storage in there. I couldn't help but see the two tins of baby milk on the desk in plain sight. They aren't renting the room or contributing and I can't see a problem with being able to access my things when they are out.

@grannyactivist yes thankyou for the leaflet, it was very interesting!
@BlueBelle I wish she would not leave it to me to plan his food. I'm really dismayed by her apathy and disinterest in his diet but how can we eat a family meal and not give him anything? I have been just separating some food so it's plain and giving him what we have without seasonings. I wholeheartedly WISH she would take responsibility for his diet though. How can I make food for the family and leave him out if she is leaving it to me?

A Dr has looked at him now and says it's chesty cold and they have been told to give him more clear fluids and fruit.

At least a Dr has said it, not just me...

@Jalima1108 re "However, as for food, the little one needs to have the food that he is used to and introduce Western food very gradually. His health is important."

I totally agree with what you're saying, but they and I have absolutely no idea at all what his other grandparents were feeding him while his parents worked! I feel very sorry for the other grandparents as they must have bonded with him and I think the whole thing is so sad. I probably don't have access to some of the foods he had in China and they aren't shopping for anything special for him, so I'm doing my best to give a healthy balanced diet. He seems to enjoy British food and my son used to give him British food in China on his days off work, so he's had a variety of things before.

agnitse if you read all the OPs comments you would know that she did not "search their room" and is not "trying to tell them how to raise their child!!" She is worried, tired and somewhat at a loss and needs advice in an obviously difficult situation for all of the - which she has acknowledged! Dear me!

@madgran thanks so much. Yes I am somewhat exhausted due to the fact that for the first few days they were refusing to put him to bed at night saying he's not tired yet and kept getting the toys out at 11pm downstairs! I put up with it for a few days until I could take no more and then I told them to go to bed out of exhaustion. It did make the atmosphere a bit bad, but I literally watched no tv or relaxed for two weeks due to the fact that if the tv was on he slapped the screen and they didn't put him to bed! I had to explain to them about bath and bedtime routines but they didn't really like it. They have bathed him and put him to bed the last couple of nights though at about nine ish. Not as early as I'd have preferred, but I've just gone in my room and watched TV on iplayer.

But dear Lavazz even though they are in your house it really isn’t up to you when they put him to bed or what they feed him why did you have to stay up till 11 pm and be exhausted can’t you go to bed and leave them to go to bed when they want? I really think you are FAR too involved in their life The baby is obviously thriving, you mentioned he’s talking, and they need to find their own routines and ways of dealing with him if he’s happy and a normal weight and loved then bath times, bed times is for them to decide
The fact is you don’t really want them in your house you can’t relax, you’re on edge and the baby will pick up on that So for everyone’s sake they need their own space either in UK or China as soon as possible even if it’s only a couple of rooms they don’t even have a private space in your house as you say you go in and out to get things it really is highly unsuitable

@BlueBelle I have other kids still in education who dont need noisy toys at 11pm.I don't think it's reasonable to be playing with noisy toys in someone elses house at 11pm. I also don't think it's conducive to a good sleep routine. I'd never have said anything if they were in their own house because it wouldn't affect us.

I was really looking forwards to spending time with them. No I dont want them here really now that my bubble has burst. If they didnt critisice the house and compare me negatively with Chinese granny I would have more good will, but the reality is that their rudeness and ungratefulness has made me feel this way.

I have been criticised for getting down on the floor and playing with my grandson even though they were ignoring him at the time...they had already asked me to babysit him and I had done twice successfully but after that they began to poke fun at knitting I was doing for him (now abandoned) and said they preferred for him to play alone. It's really their choice, but I don't feel like it's so exciting having him here if I can't play with him. It all feels a bit pointless and they seem to have acted like that after making loads of manipulative statements around money. I honestly don't have money to give them and feel they are punishing me for it by not wanting me to play with Gs.

Im not going to be manipulated into doing something I'm not comfortable with...so, it's unlikely I will get to see him much once they move out. I don't go in when they are there, but I took the opportunity when they were out so as not to disturb them. Yes the whole thing is highly unsuitable. I regret allowing them to come here now, especially as they will keep using Gs as a weapon against me.

Poked fun at your knitting?! They sound like 15 year olds, at best! What on earth do your other children think of their prodigal brother?

@Elrel yes, my others are quite shocked but happy with their own lives and have no intention of following suit

Good for the siblings!

Lavazz You obviously know this is a highly unsuitable arrangement. You know its not working. You know normal boundaries but don't feel you can stick to them in such abnormal circumstances in your house!

It is only 2 weeks (probably feels like 20 years!!) and I think you need to try hhard not to get into "extreme" decisions like don't want to be involved with grandson , just yet! This is an over crowded house, with a complete maelstrom of conflicting emotions, expectations and hurt .... and some deep tiredness to boot!

So ...on a practical level:

1. Decide what you want to happen regarding living arrangements whilst in your house and explain these clearly with practical but non emotional reasons. As in
- the house needs to be quiet after (9.00/10.00?) becauseI/.... can't function without enough sleep. Please ensure only quiet toys if ...is still playing ( ie no comment on their choices about baby bedtime, just about yours/ household members needs)
- "I feel you are not happy about the food I have prepared up to now for ....! I have put everything on the table so please give him what you think best, or if you prefers prepare something different. I don't mind if that is what you would like to do" (now this might well result in a crying baby but that is for them to deal with ...even if it is with another bottle!! Their choice!
- "As you don't like what's on the table today, do make yourselves something else if you prefer" and leave them to it!
- Bottles - don't comment other than telling them you have arranged a space in the kitchen for preparing bottles, for them to use!
-playing with grandson - "That's interesting that you think it is best he plays alone. Can you tell me why, I've not heard that before ....how interesting ...etc etc"
-knitting -" I'm sorry I didn't check what you would prefer before I started knitting for ....! Is there anything you would like me to knit for him?" If the answers no, keep knotting and say you'll put it in a charity shop when finished. Smile benignly if they ridicule it!!

All of this should be unemotionally expressed, practical and as factual as possible.

Regarding living with you and buying them houses etc - look directly at your son and ay "what on earth gave you the impression that I could afford that?" ...then at your DIL "Dear me, I hope he didn't give you that impression. How unfortunate!"

Regarding their living with you, there is already advice on here about housing/benefits etc! Gather it together plus any leaflets etc , sit them down, tell them a timescale for leaving and finding their own place , give them the pack of leaflets etc (have spare copies for yourself) and offer to babysit whilst they are arranging things.

I know none of this is easy but if you don't start to think of strategies to work your way through this, nothing will change. Take out all the emotion and resentment and stat being very practical Good luck!

I think that’s a brillient post Madgran77 you have put it so well
I can feel and understand how disappointed you are Lavazz none of it is as you thought it would be it isn’t a living arrangement that can be sustained and you are obviously poles apart in all your ideas on living and child rearing
My only BIG piece of advice is DO NOT try to give them advice as hard as it is our children may want to have the opposite ways of child rearing to us and that really isn’t for us to try and chanhpge
Don’t walk away from them though just because it’s not done your way hopefully if they can get a flat or rooms you can be a more distant granny and do it how you want

Is your son looking for work ? Surely that’s the key to it all Im sure they can’t feel very happy either