Pictures

Whether or not you agree that social media is a danger, it is for the parents to decide if a) their child may be photographed, and b) who gets the photos.

Imagine, 30 years ago, if you sent your MIL a print of your child's school photo. As one did. Then you find that she has had that photo copied, and sent it to all her close family, and a bunch of relatives you hardly know and don't much like. Would you be happy?

It's the same principle. You may want to share pictures of your grandchild with your friends and relatives, but they may not be your DIL's friends, and she may not know or care for the relatives. It's not for you to decide whether Cousin Fred or Auntie Marge gets photos or not. That's for the parents to decide.

Have a respectful conversation with your DIL, and find out whether there are any "safe" people on her permanent approval list. Maybe you are always allowed to send the photos to Auntie Marge, but never to Cousin Fred. Maybe your friend Sue can have certain kinds of photos but not others. I'm sure there are reasons behind the rules. If your DS and DIL don't have a relationship with Cousin Fred, he doesn't need to see photos of their child, regardless of the relationship you have with him. It is not your relationships that dictate the rules, but theirs.

Respect the wishes of the parents.

I do share pics but so do my DDs so I take the lead from them. DD1 has reduced her use of FB and just does What's App groups so I only do that now for her kids. Both are happy but if they said they were stopping I would too.

If you want to keep on having a good relationship with your DIL you will have to accept her rules.

Right, reason or none, she is the child's mother, and I frankly cannot blame her for not wanting her child's photo posted anywhere, as even if no pervert could ever get hold of the photo, or anyone else with criminal tendencies misuse it, that is obviously what she is afraid could happen,

Later on, the child will probably hate all baby photos, most of us did as teenagers. I remember being thankful my parents never photoed me naked on a sheepskin. These photos were the height of fashion when I was three months old.

The world has gone mad! sometimes it's quite depressing - nobody knows how to behave any more and is it any wonder.

I think that you should do as your DIL requests. It is not like showing someone a photograph album. It is more like giving them the negative to do what they want with (except a lot more easily).
It is unlikely that your friends would do anything but look at it but you never know. It would out of your control never mind your DIL.
She is also right that your children may grow up and be unhappy about the photos that have been publicly shared about them (and you can't guarantee that that won't happen). People have found their children's photographs inserted into horrible images and it is very difficult to get facebook, google etc. to remove them. They have their own right to privacy independent of either yourself and your DIL and older teenagers and now taking parents to court to get photos removed that were put up when they were younger.

Rarely share photos of GC on social media. My setting is for friends only and I mean real friends, not anyone who has made contact to be a 'friend'. There are systems that can be used to send to only specific people and these are a bit safer. Even photos taken and stored on a phone can be hacked so really nothing is really secure. Messenger seems to be rated higher than email for security but I am no expert. Think I would go with parent's wishes in your case.

Yes, I'm afraid that you are being u reasonable.
You din't know who else has access to your friend's devices nor those of other parts of the family. How many people have their passwords? Do they leave laptops, tablets or mobiles 'open' at any time when they are not actively using them?
I'm in total agreement with your DiL.
They were sent to you, not to the world at large.

din't don't.

AngelD - you may think that sharing pictures "privately" with friends and family is different to sharing them on social media but as with the internet, once the pictures are shared, you have no control over what the recipients do with them.

If you go against what your DIL has specifically asked you not to do you are running the risk that she will stop you from seeing your GS in the future.

Is this risk really worth it?

It's not just photos, it sounds as if they are very aware that social media needs to be used wisely. How many e-mails have been saved to cause embarrassment to public figures years later? Or an unwise remark on Twitter has rebounded on the instigator? My own AC found out about DGP's death on FB. We were waiting to break the bad news so it wasn't received at work. Unfortunately a family member decided to post on FB so that is exactly what happened! It caused a lot of distress. In your case, it doesn't take much detective work for someone to glean details of area, holidays, parents' occupations etc from social media. Your DS and DiL have their own reasons for keeping photos private so they shouldn't be circulated by proxy. Could you be sure that the recipient will not innocently circulate them further afield? Of course you can ask about sending to specific family members, or forwarding a photo, but I can't honestly think friends would want more than a quick look at your phone anyway. Your DS and DiL sound very sensible. Congratulations on your new DGC by the way!

I'm referring back to AngelD's second post on first page, where she asks why we should even take photos on our phones and also Franbern's second post, also on first page. I also think people take far too many photos and then want to share them with everyone. I keep a few photos on my phone - mainly for own enjoyment and only show them to others if asked.

A good friend sometimes sends me printed photos of her grandchildren. I then have to wonder what to do with them - do I just throw them out after looking at them, which feels a bit rude, but I'm really not that interested in other people's grandchildren!

AngelD - you can keep the people dear to you in the loop by writing about your grandchild and describing how they are developing - first smile, teeth etc, without having to send photos. As Franbern says, most babies look very similar especially when very young. Later on, you may get permission to send photos to certain relatives or friends, but as others have said, you never know who or where they will end up.

My sister-in-law uses Facebook a lot and posts all kinds of family news. She is connected to a friend of mine who is also a Facebook fan (but not very tech-savvy, so I don't know what her privacy settings are), so sometimes I get family news from her. I find it slightly disconcerting to hear her commenting on family news. I'm not on Facebook at all, but it would make me wary of sending photos to sister-in-law as they would probably end up there anyway.

AngelD I am not sure why previous posters are still rattling on about social media as you have acknowledged that you would not share photos of your DGS on that.
You seem concerned about not being able to text or email photos to relatives who live away, but I wonder what you would have done before all this technology was available?

Parents have the right to say if they don't want their child picture on social media, as I found out the other day, doesn't matter how secure your setting are on fb, if a friend likes them and their setting not secure anybody can see them. I would never post anything if my daughters didn't want me to,

My DIL told all the relatives, no pics on social media. She does post pics on Instagram. If I wish to send a pic via email, I normally ask her first, and if it is one she has posted on Instagram, she usually says, "Yes". She is the parent; I must honor her decisions.

I have always asked permission of my son and daughter to post pictures out of respect. They are ultimately responsible for their children and have to make decisions that are best for them all

YABU I,it is their child so their choice.

My dil was like this and 2 weeks after birth of dgc her mother posted on fb. I message ds to ask why and was told dil had given mum permission!!! Well 2 yrs on dil posts pics everyday of dgc and dozens of herself pouting and posing. Her mother posts of all gc most weeks. I have sent a couple of pics to family abroad but honestly just keep my pics of gc to myself

Gonegirl...their child their rules. Once out on social media or sent out by email then it can be shared with anyone & everyone if so wished and then they have no control...there's nothing about "being precious" about it at all..

AngelD - Your DiL has spoken her wishes and you would be well advised to heed what she says. This is how grandparent estrangement starts..... the parent makes a request of the grandparent, and the grandparent thinks they know better.
Back off. (I'm speaking from bitter experience).

My thoughts as grandparents we must respect our children’s wishes when it comes to keeping their family private and safe

My daughter worked for a long time as a police researcher in the paedophile department. It was a harrowing experience for her. All I would say is think twice before letting a photo of any child out there where it can be misused or the child tracked.

Penygirl people are still 'rattling on' as you put it because it is a far more serious issue than you seem to comprehend. See albertina's comment.

I agree with your DIL's request not to share photos on social media ..... But don't understand her objection to your sharing with family or friends via email. Seems a little previous to me but I guess the parents have the last word on this one.

YOU might only have your privacy settings set to family/close friends but, once you have sent it to them, not everyone is so careful - that photo might be made publicly available to any nonce who wants to go looking for it. Johnny Paedophile will happily get his rocks off to even innocent photos of young children - if you think this is harsh then you need to wake up to the 21st century and what a sewer the internet can be! I totally understand parents not wanting photos of their children out there on the World "Wild" Web - seriously, who is interested in photos of someone else's grandkids anyway?

Reading through this thread my heart goes out to AngelD - I remember that wonderful elated feeling in the early days after our grandchild’s birth, when I wanted to shout it to the world and show his picture to everyone! We’ve all been there so a little empathy for her wouldn’t go amiss.... she understands about the dangers of social media and has already undertaken not to post on it. Posters telling her firmly over and over again that it’s not her child so not her decision must be really bursting her bubble by now...... no, of course it not her child and the parents’ wishes MUST be respected, but it IS her grandchild and it’s only natural to want to show photos to her own friends.... grandparents usually delight in their own friends good news about a child’s arrival, even if they don’t know the parents. So enjoy these early days, AngelD, and I hope your DIL realises that your wish to show off your DGC comes from a place of pride and love for her beautiful baby and that you too only want to make the wisest choices for his life ahead.