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Ask a gran


(97 Posts)
AngelD Fri 01-Mar-19 19:38:07

My DIL has repeatedly informed me that I have to have her and my DS's permission prior to sending pictures of my 1 mth old DGS to my family and friends and/or posting them on social media due to the fact that she is a very private person and doesn't want to have pics of her DS floating around without their knowledge. I totally respect and understand the social media thing, but I feel that I should not need to have their permission prior to sharing pictures privately (ie via texting or email) with my friends and family. Am I being unreasonable or should I adhere to these expectations and not share anything without prior consent?

Jalima1108 Sat 02-Mar-19 16:48:47

it’s only natural to want to show photos to her own friends
That's fine Maimeo, keeping an envelope of photos in your bag or carrying 'Granny's Boasting Book' of photos is one thing but posting on social media or sending them by email is quite another - particularly if the parents of the child are set against it.

As another poster pointed out, a one month old baby looks much like another (apart from mine who were simply gorgeous with lots of hair wink)

starbox Sat 02-Mar-19 17:10:07

Totally OTT but it's her child so you'll have to go along with it. I even have my (50 yr old) brother getting hot under collar when I posted a photo of all family (in best clothes at nice restaurant - not doing anything strange!) and had to take them down. Yes, the world's gone mad...I always think if you downloaded a photo of me and 'doctored' it somewhat...go on ahead! I don't care, it's not real! Luckily son & wife don't get crazy like this so my Facebook page is full of grandkids! xxxx

sarahellenwhitney Sat 02-Mar-19 17:30:47

Respect her wishes.

SpanielNanny Sat 02-Mar-19 17:43:18

Congratulations to your son, daughter-in-law and you on the new baby flowers

As almost everyone else has said, it really is irrelevant who is being reasonable/unreasonable. They’re the parents, you absolutely have to abide by their wishes.

If your family are really keen to see the baby could they possibly get in touch with your son and daughter-in-law themselves? The parents might be more comfortable with that.

deanswaydolly Sat 02-Mar-19 18:08:07

I have cut down on my postings of grandchildren....however I have posted 2 lovely ones of them all today but their backs were to the camera so no faces to identify.

nanny2507 Sat 02-Mar-19 18:16:52

Yes you are being unreasonable. I would never post a pic of anyone..anyone at all without their permission and i WILL NOT allow anyone to take, have, send or post a pic of me. thats my right

Youngatheart60 Sat 02-Mar-19 19:07:03

My daughter and DIL are the same, no photos on internet and before sending an email etc of said kids to anyone else, it’s only right to run it by the parents, we are close relatives but they are not our kids. And our friends are not their friends and maybe they don’t wants strangers (to them) to be in possession of photos of their children. As many posters have said, once out of your hands you have no control of what happens to them.

I keep photos of my grandkids in my purse and show them off, or I’ll show a pic from my mobile but I never send them without checking first.

I don’t think they are being unreasonable, back in our day no one had a physical picture of your kids unless you gave it to them, nowadays young people have to put up with all relatives getting their phones out, taking photos without permission and sharing them without a second thought. The parents wishes should always be respected. They are their children.

Grammaretto Sat 02-Mar-19 19:57:55

I've been reading this thread and feeling a bit guilty. I have been known to forward photos to dear friends and family abroad as they do theirs.
I did get alarmed when I used the face recognition app and it accurately matched up ALL the faces of even the baby!!
Computers are just too clever.
I still show photos on my phone to my friends when they ask or I am very proud and will never ever post them again.
Congratulations on your GC AngeID

Overthehills Sat 02-Mar-19 21:37:33

Starbox have you read any of the posts on here which describe exactly what can happen to photos of children posted on social media?!
OP whether you ageee with your DiL or not please respect her wishes. There are so many people on here who have lost contact with their grandchildren - please don’t risk it. I hope they’ll be a great joy to you! Congratulations!

Tangerine Sat 02-Mar-19 21:45:10

Don't go against your son and daughter-in-law as they might restrict the amount of time you have with your grandchild.

They are the parents.

If I was a parent of a baby today, I'd feel the same as your son and daughter-in-law.

Blencathra Sat 02-Mar-19 21:45:32

I think she is right to keep them off social media- you don’t know where they end up. AngelD may be surprised to find that I didn’t find her post on Gransnet- I came across it on Twitter where Gransnet had shared it. Who knows where your friends may post it if you email?
Gransnet may be getting a bit aware of the problem because they don’t share so many threads with Facebook these days (this wasn’t on) maybe because they got a lot of attention on Facebook but not so much on Twitter- only a few replies.
I think people are very naive about social media . Gransnet is social media. Last time I mentioned it someone asked why they needed to know about Facebook etc when they had their ‘own special place’ (i.e. Gransnet) They missed the point that it isn’t a special place because they share it. Family and friends may also ‘share things’- so it is sensible to try and stop them sharing child photos.
Anyway- whatever your personal opinion you need to do as asked.

Edithb Sat 02-Mar-19 22:20:45

I sent my sister-in-law a video of my grandson so she could show my father-in-law, privately. Next thing I knew it was in her Facebook page, the only time he was ever in Facebook. You don’t know what people will do with the photos once they are out there.

Anja Sat 02-Mar-19 22:32:51

Tillygumbo I agree

NannyEm Sat 02-Mar-19 23:52:54

My DIL was the same right from my grandsons' births so I have respected her wishes.

BradfordLass72 Sun 03-Mar-19 01:55:42

Unless you can be absolutely sure your friends and others will not post them on anywhere I think you must be wary when you have been asked not to forward.

If this were copyright, then your DIL and son own those photos, not you.

There is a fine line between security and obsession though and I can see both points of view.

Chucky Sun 03-Mar-19 12:04:29

@AngelaD “Am I being unreasonable or should I adhere to these expectations and not share anything without prior consent?”
I do think you are being very unreasonable to even ask if you should adhere to your dils decision!!

This reminds me of my mil, who thought she could interfere in mine and her sons relationship. When I was expecting dc3 I requested that she told nobody that I was pregnant. However she thought she could ignore my request and things came to a head when the receptionist at the hairdressers turned round in front of certain family members (who didn’t know) and congratulated me on my pregnancy. When I asked mil why she had told her, she just said that she didn’t think I would be going into hairdressers!!
I hadn’t wanted to tell her in the first place, as she had form for not being able to keep her mouth shut if she had the opportunity to be centre of attention or get sympathy over something. She had also done a similar thing with my first child! My dh however, felt she should know as my own dps had been told (they didn’t even tell my siblings).
My dh and I nearly split up over her complete inability to respect boundaries and my wishes and I did go nc with her.

Please respect your dils wishes. She obviously considers that she may have a problem with you adhering to her request, when she has “repeatedly informed” you not to do this!

starbox Sun 03-Mar-19 19:32:05

Overthehills: No, I honestly can't see anything much being likely to go wrong with Facebook photos.
I DO think you should only post photos that won't embarrass kid- certainly not advocating pics in state of undress or doing something awful
And I think you want to be careful not to bore everyone rigid with endless collations of little darlings.
But with a smallish group of Facebook friends (a pretty respectable bunch), I don't personally think there's much likelihood of anyone doing anything worse than saying "not ANOTHER photo"!!

NanaKay58 Mon 04-Mar-19 04:52:58

Lots of people, on facebook and other sites, regularely find random pictures of people online and edit them , adding crude text or innaproriate graphics to the person in the picture and then post them on other sites. People there think it's funny and then pass it on to their friends. You would be amazed at how quickly the image is multiplied and spread.....for years.
Please respect the parents wishes even if you personally think it's harmless.

Anja Mon 04-Mar-19 10:54:37


Anja Mon 04-Mar-19 10:54:59

Oops wrong thread!

GrannyBeek Mon 04-Mar-19 14:51:52

My DIL is a detective constable and has seen what people do to and with photos of babies/children (too horrible to give details). No pics of DGS on social media. No sharing via email.