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son and Dil

(70 Posts)
whoisthis Mon 04-Mar-19 23:02:46

My son and Dil are having problems in there marriage, they have a baby and have been married just over 2 years
. The problem she is always going to stay with her parents for weeks at a time instead of trying to fix the marriage leaving my son to look after himself and not being able to his child.

MissAdventure Mon 04-Mar-19 23:06:30

Well, then hopefully they can sort it out. smile
Do you know why your daughter in law goes to her parents?

The thing is, the problems are theirs to resolve, so there is little you can do except support them if they come to you for advice.

paddyann Mon 04-Mar-19 23:35:08

maybe she's exhausted and doesn't get support from her husband...her parents will likely give her that support .Ask your son if he's doing all he can to help and if not then he needs to step up.She cant be expected to do it all herself,women nowadays rightly think their partners should do a fair share around the home and with baby .

Namsnanny Tue 05-Mar-19 00:23:37


agnurse Tue 05-Mar-19 04:44:31

PLEASE DO NOT get in the middle. A parent should NEVER get involved in an AC's relationship and an AC should NEVER ask a parent to get involved. Ever. A parent's instinct is to protect a child. That's natural. That's normal. But it means, by definition, that a parent is not an objective third party.

They need marriage counselling.

kittylester Tue 05-Mar-19 06:10:14

Welcome whoisthis, if you are new.

sparkly1000 Tue 05-Mar-19 07:34:36

The words "leaving my son to look after himself" ring alarm bells. Your son is an adult, why should he expect anyone, especially a new mum to look after him?
I feel that resentment towards your DIL is creeping in here. Please stand back from their perceived problems and support BOTH of them only if asked for support and help.

Urmstongran Tue 05-Mar-19 07:51:06

Are you new whoisthis? If so, welcome.
I’m sure your son and his wife if they are unhappy will work this out, or not, together. You can only watch and wait really.

BradfordLass72 Tue 05-Mar-19 07:55:19

I think it's natural, if very unwise, to go running back to your parents when things go wrong with your marriage.

Even more unwise are the parents who continue to let her do this without helping her arrange proper couples counselling.

You however, can advise your son to go, on his own if needs be, and encourage him to talk to her.

This isn't interfering, it's showing him how to help himself - and that's what parents are for.

Kalu Tue 05-Mar-19 08:26:31

Please do not become -that- MiL who gives a troubled marriage the kiss of death due to becoming involved in whatever problems your DS and DiL are dealing with at the moment.

Leave them to sort this out between themselves as you risk fracturing your relationship with either one of them or possibly both of them depending on the outcome as, hopefully when they do sort things out, they may regret sharing too much of their business with you.

Hopefully this is just a blip for them and all will be well.

glammanana Tue 05-Mar-19 08:36:39

whoisthis Its so sad to read this and I really hope they get it sorted and back on track.
Your DIL may be exhausted after having the baby getting married and having a new baby within 2 yrs is a big change to their lives and if she is not getting enough support from your DS she be suffering from a form of postnatal depression and needs her parents support.
Don't get involved just keep the door open for them if they want to talk or need you to look after baby .

sodapop Tue 05-Mar-19 09:05:09

Welcome whoisthis I can only echo what everyone else has said. Don't take sides, don't criticise your daughter in law as it may come back to bite you. It's a difficult period of adjustment in a new relationship with a baby. Allow them space to sort it out. Just support them both where you can.

March Tue 05-Mar-19 09:26:27

'leaving my son to look after himself'

So she's been looking after a grown man and a baby. She's gone to her parents so someone can look after her for a change.
Don't take sides. Maybe tell your son to give his head a wobble and look after himself.

annodomini Tue 05-Mar-19 09:29:58

Who is this?

Jalima1108 Tue 05-Mar-19 09:54:41

leaving my son to look after himself
Is he helpless - perhaps you need to look at your relationship with him and think about whether or not you spoilt him.
I feel sorry for young women today who marry men who had been spoilt by their mothers.

Cold Tue 05-Mar-19 10:17:34

A baby is a huge change to your life and relationships and many mothers struggle with the sleepless nights, constant demands and state of total exhaustion.

I was stunned to read that you felt that she should be taking care of your son - your son is a parent now! If your son is not being helpful and supportive by taking on his share of parenting and household responsibilities then I can understand that she will turn to her parents for help instead.

David1968 Tue 05-Mar-19 10:32:49

Surely a grown man should be able to "look after himself"? These days I'd expect most adults to be able to run a home, keep it, their clothes, and themselves clean, and to shop/cook. (Alongside having a job.) Can your son do all these things? As other GNS have said here, it's advisable to keep out of their marriage. But if your son can't do these things, perhaps you could show him how to do these jobs - in your home? (So as to keep out of their home.) And as a new dad, he also needs to learn how to look after his baby....

luluaugust Tue 05-Mar-19 10:35:38

If they have only been married for 2 years and she is away for weeks at a time then they haven't actually spent much time together, it sounds as if the marriage is still settling down. They need to talk and sort this out, you need to say as little as possible, a golden rule to keep in touch with your small grandchild. If your son is not doing enough it is for her to tell him. I expect its lovely being at her old home with mum looking after her!

trisher Tue 05-Mar-19 10:52:11

Of course it's nice to go home to mum and to be treated like a child again, but how is this OK but it's not OK for the OP to say her son isn't being looked after? Both indicate that neither of the parties is ready for an adult relationship. It concerns me more that he isn't getting the chance to bond with his child. I would say they need to seek counselling. But I also agree that there is very little you can do about it whoisthis. Perhaps offer them both help with the baby and the opportunity to spend time together by baby sitting. Seeing your child unhappy is one of the most difficult things to cope with and all you can do is be there for them.

EllanVannin Tue 05-Mar-19 10:59:59

Leave problems at arms length. Let them sort things out between them even though it's difficult if she spends time with her mother. Let's hope her mother is of the same thought about solving their own problems as a couple with no 3rd party interference.

Coconut Tue 05-Mar-19 11:38:46

“No one knows what goes on behind closed doors” as the song goes ! But others are right, only they can make or break the relationship. Does your son confide in you ? If so that’s your cue to offer advice, otherwise you have to take a step back. Have you been close to DIL to offer support, in case they break up, so the child has continuity. Very difficult for you .....

March Tue 05-Mar-19 11:46:46

'Of course it's nice to go home to mum and to be treated like a child again, but how is this OK but it's not OK for the OP to say her son isn't being looked after?'

I bet any money that DIL isn't being treated like a child. She's probably catching up on sleep, eating, drinking hot tea and getting the support she needs as a first time mum or even recovering. We don't know how many month she is post partum.

OP is worried that her son has been left to look after himself. So while DIL has been looking after their baby she's had to look after a grown ass man too.
She is not his mother.
Who has been looking after the wife/mother? No one from the sounds of it which I imagine why she has gone home.

ReadyMeals Tue 05-Mar-19 12:11:40

I see what some of you are saying about he can look after himself. But we're not just talking about a relationship between the couple here - there is a baby, and this arrangement is almost certainly interfering with the father and child bonding. How far away are the dil's family? Is it feasible for DS to go over there to spend time with the baby or even take it out on his own (if there is a problem with the couple being together for instance)

trisher Tue 05-Mar-19 12:51:15

March DIL isn't being treated like a child. She's probably catching up on sleep, eating, drinking hot tea
I always thought that was being treated as a child and was very grateful when my mum came up to help me when my babies were born. unfortunately it only lasted a week.

Farmor15 Tue 05-Mar-19 13:03:53

I had same thoughts as ReadyMeals - could son not visit wife and child at her parents' house? From OP, it doesn't sound like she has permanently left him.