son and Dil

Ds works long hours to provide for his family as dil does not work and she does not like this- this is as far as i know one of her reasons for going.

On this occasion I must say I side with the Dil.

When my two were new born babies my husband worked in the city and worked such long hours I felt like a single mother. He wouldn't help when he got home, didn't ask how my days were or thank me for sacrificing my own career. He got to keep progressing in his job and have adult conversations while I struggled, especially with his mother living next door butting in constantly and showing disapproval for everything I did (or didn't do). He was no support at all except for earning money. I had a good job too and he could have stayed home but I doubt he'd of coped giving up his identity.

I'd say take your DILS side, give her a lot of love. She'll be well aware of your disapproval even if you are trying to hide it.

DIL is very probably staying with her mummy to get some support if her own husband isn't much help and is near absent. It sounds healthy for her to get some help from her mum and support, I agree with her decision.

Is there anyway you can financially help out so he can cut back his hours at work to be more support to his wife?

Your son doesn't get to be absent as a support and team member to his wife and expect her to put up with this and not get the support she deserves and needs.

Treasure your dil. I've come close to losing good relationships with my own DIL for behaving like my own mil. Now I act even more loving towards my DIL than my son and my son adores me for it, and my relationship with my DIL is now nearly like a daughter by blood after a rough start.

Good luck and leave your pride at the door.

Sadly, I think your son should seek the advice of a solicitor; according to the facts presented here his wife's behaviour is unreasonable, if the main trouble is that she resents him working long hours to support his family. By her behaviour, she is actively preventing him from forming a relationship with his baby son, and he needs to get regular access sorted out quickly. Perhaps mediation may be suggested; as you say counselling is no use unless they both take part.
What is his wife living on? If she is not earning does she have any income of her own, or are her parents supporting her and the baby? Does she not have a support network of friends, often more use than parents?

As everyone says, don't interfere, but it is difficult for you to form a loving, supportive relationship with your daughter in law if she has moved away and won't respond to your texts. Could you write to her and ask to see the baby? His welfare is the most important of all.

dil is paying me a visit, should i say anything to her.

I had the similar issue in my family. Son's common law wife staying at her mum's for weeks on end with new baby. There were issues with their relationship, and looking back at that time they were both young parents and unprepared for the sleepless nights etc. I also think she had a hard time coping. But I am also of the mind that her mum should have not made things so easy for her to leave her home and be looked after; she was enabling her by taking over.

Your son does need to bond with his new baby, and the couple needs to work on the relationship. Perhaps she is relying on her mum too much, but your son needs advice on how to assist. Just be there for them in any way you can, and encourage counselling.

My son's situation has settled down; they have 2 children together now. My DIL has admitted her mum was a bit overbearing and not letting her make her own decisions at the time.

I suggest not saying anything to her.

This is THEIR marriage. THEY need to work it out.

I’d not say a word about it

Be kind and loving to DIL when you speak. Don’t be over the top or it will be fake.

Don’t offer money, that’s not the root of the issue

Stop thinking of you “poor son” not being taken care of. Son and DIL need to work our together how to support each other, but it sounds like son feels she should be doing it all and him none.

In short, stay out of it. Be kind to everyone.

Yes be kind and let her do most of the talking you may get some idea of how she is thinking. Definitely don't get into any kind of blame game. If she poses any direct questions on things say she must discuss it with your son.

I am not in a postion to offer any financial help.Candiangran
how did your situation get resolved.

Admittedly it has been a rocky road, but I think DIL has grown somewhat and realized that her mum was being selfish and wanting them to stay with her.

I think just by being a part of our family and seeing how we are helpful but not too intrusive has helped. Your son needs to communicate better, perhaps they both would benefit from relationship counselling.

I have just left mt gs after having him all day. I feel it would be better for me not to see him than get hurt every time he leaves. As from my previous post dil spends 5 days out of 7 with her parents. will not do counselling so i feel i will lose gs anyway as ds will not tolerate this and will separate.

whoisthis…….I'm just the same. I always say I wont see gc again because the let down after is awful. Depressed and crying, because I don't know when or if I will see gc. Or for how long it will last.
You may eventually end up without visitation, but please just go along with every and all visits offered to you.
You may regret not doing this later on, and your gs deserves to know the other side of his family, however young he is.

Sorry about your family problems whoisthis, its hard to stand back and see things going wrong.
I can't help but feel your comment about not seeing your grandson as you get upset is counter productive. You do have to put your own feelings aside and support him.

I can't make out who you are most worried about t.b.h. I don't 'get' why you say you would rather have no contact than risk disappointment? I don't get why your son says if things don't improve he will then get a divorce? Maybe in a similar way to your thinking i.e. cut loose before things get too tough? What is his suggestion to improve things?

Of course, nobody actually knows what does go on behind closed doors so difficult to advise. E.G. Is DIL depressed? Does she have other issues? Is she unable to cope alone when your son is away? Is her anxiety better or worse when he is home? Is your son oblivious to her needs/requests? Does he speak to her about the problems or just you? So many questions which don't expect you to answer here but endless possibilities.

What I would say is help DIL as much as you can. She may just turn to you instead of running home? Who knows?

All seems rather odd and I can only assume they are either very young or very immature? Relationships need working on really don't they?

Whatever happens, you taking sides will not help your situation with your grandchild.

Tedber, It sounds to me like OP and her son would far rather cut and run instead of doing the hard work to get things on better footing.

So much jealousy over GS spending more time with his maternal grandparents.

Is it same old same old thing of Dad goes to work and mum stays at home with screaming baby lonely and isolated?

When are we ever going to sort out this age old universal problem of not being able - both personally and societal/work - to share baby/childcare/earning so everyone has a full balanced life and is able to enjoy their children far more?

Maybe that's why she goes to stay with her family - support and company?

She needs to get back to work if this is what she wants.

Having a baby is such a shock. No one tells us how terrible it can be. The difference between going out to work with company and challenges not to mention coffee breaks and rewards - income, good sales targets etc. - is a chasm not ot mention the 24/7 of it for 18 years or longer.

I feel sorry for them both - being a new parent is so very confusing, exhausting and shocking - and you too mum of son - can you not look after baby more and give her a break when she's at home?

Never the less all you can do really is be there, offer support, tell them you are available to babysit/take baby away for a few hours but remember (and I learned the hard way) keep your mouth shut on the advice even if asked -(learn the phrase 'I'm not sure') and do not interfere - when you are together its their rules. If it all becomes unbearable take baby out for a long walk and rejoice in your rules!

If you're missing the baby make sure you do see him when he's at home.

P.S I don't think it okay for mothers' of sons to see the GC less than the other GM.

All you can do is make sure you see him when he's at home and create your bond!

Its not just the couple who are at fault. Its our unequal crazy society. I don't think counselling helps with this underlying problem.

It may be best for your DIL to find work and pay for childcare. Children/babies love to be with other children - its very boring for them too to be at home with mum!

My MIL sees our daughter significantly less than my parents do. That said, Hubby is a British ex-pat and we live in Canada. His family is in the UK. OF COURSE we will not see them as often.

Growing up, Mum's parents lived 2 hours' drive away. We saw them once a month or so. Dad's parents lived 6 hours' drive away. We saw them two or three times a year.

"Fairsies" should never be a factor in how often GPs see their GC. How much the other GPs are seeing the baby is none of OP's business.

You also must consider that it isn't necessarily the best option for DIL to return to work. Working creates its own costs - petrol, parking, work clothes, plus the need to pay for childcare. Just because a mother doesn't work doesn't mean that her baby is neglected or will necessarily get bored. It's possible, depending on what her qualifications are and what type of job she could get, that her salary may not even cover the expenses that would be required for her to work - meaning they would actually LOSE money.

Someone is always going to be seen less. There is no “equal”.

Just make the most of the time you do have!

Whatisthis, I'm sorry about this situation. But it doesn't sound as if anyone is going to keep GC away from you. Please enjoy the time you have with him and don't stress out about what "might" happen.

Ok, maybe it's good to realize you might lose contact with him at some point. But that will probably only be for a while if DS gets divorced and gets visitation. Then he can share some of his visitation with you. But hopefully, they'll work out their issues and all will be ok.

Please continue to avoid taking sides, as that could backfire on you badly. Clearly, DS has ideas about what he wants to do and DIL knows what she's willing/not willing to do. They will figure it out their own way. Your only "job,' IMO, is to get along with both, and just enjoy GS as much as you can when you see him. Cherish every minute, no matter how few. Here's hoping all works out sooner rather than later.