Bit of a dilemma

For the last five or six years our daughter and husband have very happily and very beautifully, hosted sixteen for Christmas - us, SIL's Mum, Sister, Partner and Son, our Son, Dil and two grandsons plus Dil's parents. We all decided last Christmas that they needed a break so we booked a private room at a very nice Restaurant for Christmas Eve Lunch. Dil's parents spent Christmas Day with her and family, we spent it with DD and SIL and SIL's family who live in another City, spent it together. It worked just fine. Everyone got together on one day and Christmas Day was much more relaxed. Perhaps something like that would work. Might not help - just a suggestion.

A couple of days in an Airbnb so you can cook a meal, and invite them to your little 'home'.

In short.................book a holiday, somewhere warm and let them get on with it! Sorted.

Your 6 bullet points give very clear clues about your own feelings.
You want to go to your daughter and partner for Christmas.
My suggestion is this.

Explain the predicament to both your D and S.
Ask each of them what they think, as it's perfectly obvious that you can't be in two places at once nor should they think you 'favour' one over the other.

According to what they say, you could say you'd be delighted to spend alternate Christmases with each of them and leave it to them to arrange who you visit first.
You'll just have to get over the other GPs staying with their daughter.
That's how families usually work.

You don't say whether your S and D live in the same country as each other or how far apart they are.
If they're near enough to each other you could alternate Christmas and New Year if travel/flights were affordable.
Whatever you decide, remember that you read a lot about family disputes on here as regards visits, other GPs/, not seeing GCs as often as you think the other GPs see them.
It's an ongoing theme and you need to steer a steady ship, otherwise relationships can come under immense strain and cause a lot of heartache.
Don't argue but don't agree with an arrangement that makes you unhappy otherwise it will end in you stewing over it for years.

Be upbeat and let the two AC decide between themselves who is going to host you this year.
I send you every good wish.

I don't Imm6 I would much prefer your idea of staying in an hotel. My own bathroom and not having to worry about what everyone else is doing.

You need to sit your children down and discuss how Christmas is going to be from now on.

I would suggest that you go to you son one year and your daughter the next. If you and your DIL's parents are invited at the same time, you need to take it in turns to stay at a hotel.

I suggest you leave it to your son and daughter to work out whether you go to him or to her this year.

I think most of us agree that you should spend it with your daughter. Your other GC will have many Christmases to celebrate with you, but can you say the same about your Dad?

So....if you decide to go with your daughter, you could then...
a. Plan an alternate amount of time to spend with them (i.e. between Christmas week and New Years... or whatever suits you
b. Alternate day could also be celebrated at your house and invite everyone
c. Offer to go next Christmas and take turns thereafter

BTW, who was going to pay for the hotel?

Nansnet, maybe I am fantasising however I do imagine that it might be a lot of fun if all the older generation rented a pretty little place not too far from the young family group. Plenty of nice alcoholic beverages to suit 4 individual tastes could oil the social joints as alcohol is reputed to do.

Is it me or is this a weird conversation for early April?

No Lily65 I agree but as Nansnet is so worried I suppose its best to sort things out so she doesn't have to worry all year. We are a turn and turnabout family and if you can work out going to each of them alternate years that is the best arrangement I think. However, things like seeing your father come in to play and also your health and what accommodation is available etc. Speak to both son and daughter and if you want to go to her this year then say so. Please don't start worrying about the inlaws hopefully everything will fall into place.

Okeydokey, I can't get my head round it. I am a worrier but I wouldn't be worrying about 24 hours on the coldest , bleakest time of the year and placating adults.

Anyway Nansnet, hope you get a solution to your dilemma.

First of all can I just say that I would much rather sleep in a nice little and go to the family after a lovely hotel breakfast. But that's just me.

Apart from that, you just need to choose don't you? No one else can do it for you. Where do you think you yourself would have the nicest Christmas. Decide that and go for it.

You would not be setting a precedent.

nice little hotel

Myself, I just say "I will be here. If anyone wants to come, you are welcome". So far they've all come.

So I am agreeing with Imm6.

I'm with Jane10. Go to your daughter and partner, that way you can enjoy another Christmas with your father and I'm sure your son will understand that.

We haven’t seen anyonefor Christmas or New Year for a few years. My children usually spend it with in laws who live locally to them. I have a DS and DD in the south of England, we are in the Midlands. Also a single DS, on the south coast, who won’t join anyone for either celebration and a DD who lives in Australia, no FaceTime with them either last Christmas as they were with in law’s.
My husband’s parents live about ten minutes away and every year invite one of my husband’s brothers and his partner for Christmas etc. We don’t get asked, even for a cup of coffee, they won’t come here as his mum who is 90 won’t leave the house.
It is me that goes monthly to help with childcare for my grandchildren belonging to the eldest two children, help my other son financially and practically. My husband has pointed out that I’m only contacted when help is needed, some of which I’ve done for five years travelling up and down the country. I didn’t want to admit the fact but reading this has made it clear. Christmas, New Year, Mother’s Day, etc are not celebrated together. I do realise that they now have their own families but as all the in laws live close to them we seem to get missed out. They know that they are all invited here for Christmas, New Year or at any other time but there’s always an excuse. We haven’t had any visitors since July 2016. I have toys, baby things, cot etc. I am always made very welcome when I go to help but sleep on the sofa every night as even the ones with thee bedrooms have made the second bedroom into two office spaces. The other couple only have two bedrooms. I love every minute I spend with them, just feeling sad that I miss out on so much that the other grandparents go to etc. Strange that if they want to go away for a day or two or want someone to look after a child overnight it’s me that gets the phone call. Life is different now and I think we just have to ‘go with the flow’

Suzan05, I think you should tell them how you feel. Put it very nicely so as not to cause upset, but just let them know. Sounds to me things have got out of hand. You need to start standing up for yourself.

And tell them to get a sofa bed. Or at the very least, a Z-bed.

I think I'd go to daughter's if I were you, so you can have the honour of being at their first Christmas, in their new home, and you'll also be with your father too.

I expect your son would understand and not only that, he and his family might be glad not to have to host two sets of grandparents, given one stays and one set goes to an hotel. Arrange another time over Christmas to visit them and enjoy your DGC all to yourselves too. Might be easier and a blessing in disguise?

At first while reading OP I was going to say it's a dilemma we have probably all had at some point and then it got to the part where you mentioned your dad and i knew what I would decide if in the same predicament. Go wherever your father is going to be and use his failing health as the reason for your decision , if you have to have a reason for anyone that is.

Go to your daughter and arrange a Skype call with the other family plus arrange a visit at another time?

Also I think I'd have a conversation about it with your son. Maybe not in great detail but letting him know that you are torn between going to him or his sister and have decided you need to see her this year.

Message deleted by Gransnet for breaking our forum guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

I have never spent Christmas with my son since he got married. I have only spent a few Christmases with my adult daughter. It is not the end of the world. It can get really complicated trying to fit in with everyone, and even harder when there are step families, in laws or multiple generations involved. Somebody in the mix will insist on always hosting, or must be in their own home, and it can soon be like a game of dominoes, and all the carefully planned Rotas can collapse.
You cannot be in two places at once.
You cannot please everyone.
Consider the ages and health of the youngest and oldest. Do what fits best. Christmas Day is just one day. Most people have lots of days off around Christmas and New Year.

Nansnet...1st have a drink of your choice, ☕️?breath out and relaxe!!
2nd..Follow Monica’s excellent advice!!
3rd..accept that from now on Christmas is all about compromising and chances are as Gm you will probably do the most compromising of anyone!!?
Enjoy the rest of the year!

I think you should go to stay with your daughter this year and make it clear that you would love to alternate after this. You love them all but cannot be in two places at once.
Hopefully they will understand and your son and his wife will have the company of her parents.