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Sorry, this is a long one! Quick background. My husband and I live a long way from both our son, DiL & GC, and also our daughter and her partner, but we live close to our DiL's parents. For years, myself and DiL's mum have taken turns to host Christmas for everyone. All has been good, until last Xmas when there was a bit of an 'issue' which created a bit of an atmosphere, although we did manage to sort it out in time, so as not to ruin the day! I know this seems all rather early to worry about, but as we all live so far away from each other, we need to book flights well in advance. Fast forward to this year, which is going to be the first Xmas ever that all my family won't be together. I knew this would happen one day, but it doesn't make it any easier! My son & DiL have decided, understandably, now that they have a child, they would like to have their 1st xmas in their own home, but both sets of grandparents would be invited. Whenever we visit our son & DiL, we always stay at their house. However, they only have one spare bedroom, so not enough room for us all to stay at their house at the same time. I personally don't like the idea of having to stay in a hotel, when the other set of grandparents would no doubt be staying with them. Stupid, I know, but it's the age-old paternal/maternal grandparent situation, and the idea of feeling 'left out/second best' kind of upsets me, and the 'issue' that we had last xmas doesn't make it any easier. It also happens to be the first xmas that our DD will not be coming to us, as she is with her partner, in their new home, and understandably doesn't want to be away from him again this xmas, plus he has work commitments, so unable to come over to us. However, she has also said she wants us to spend Xmas with them! I'm very close to both my son and daughter, so this is such a difficult situation to be in! I know my son will be disappointed if we don't spend xmas with them, as I think he automatically expects that we will, as we always have. But I also know that my daughter, who always very much looks forward to Xmas with family around, and is already excited at the prospect of hosting her 1st Xmas in her own home, will be very disappointed if we don't go to her. How do other parents/grandparents deal with this kind of situation, which inevitably must happen to most of us, at some point, as our children become adults, and get married? Part of me feels that because of the 'issue' we had last year, it'd be best if we went to my daughter's. But then we'd be missing out on seeing our GC, and I'd hate my son & DiL to think that we didn't want to spend xmas with them, which couldn't be further from the truth. Although, I do feel that the other GM would probably prefer it if we weren't there! The other part of me feels that I'd love to spend it with our daughter, who will also invite her own grandfather (my father, who lives close to her), who has often travelled to us for Xmas, but he's now quite elderly and not in the best of health, so I don't know how much longer he'll be around! So, what it boils down to is this:
1) I don't want to miss out on spending time with my GC.
2) I don't like the idea of spending Xmas in a hotel and feeling like I don't belong.
3) I know the other GM would prefer if we weren't there.
4) If we don't go I feel like I'm setting a precedent for coming years.
5) I hate disappointing either of my children.
6) My father would love for us to be at my daughter's.
I'm very new to this grandparent malarkey, and I'm really trying to do the right thing without causing havoc or upset! I know there are wise, experienced grandparents out there who can put their own spin on this kind of situation, I'd be very grateful for any advice! You can be as truthful and harsh as you like, I will take it onboard!
There are a lot of days over Christmas so l try and see all my grandchildren at some time over the festive period, it doesn’t necessarily have to be Christmas Day but I try and fit around what other family members are doing but I remain calm and manage to see everyone!!!
I agree with someone’s post that the daughter-in-law ‘s mother is always number 1 - I was like that with my mum and it is quite normal - just try to understand and accept it and don’t get competitive. You both love the children - that’s all that matters.
Imm6, DH & I agree with you about having your own space when visiting "faraway" DC & families. We have rented a holiday home in the area - this is heaven to us!
Tell them both it's good to feel wanted and you are going to toss for it - with witnesses! Easier said than done, I know.
In your original post you gave several options but to me you forgot the most important person and that is your father. Surely if he is elderly it's more important to spend time with him now as he won't always be here. Your GC and most probably more of them in the future are going to be here lot longer than your elderly father. How would you feel if you went to DS instead of your DD and then something happened to your father before the next Christmas. Put you father first and explain to your son why you are going to DD this year because your father will be there. There are years ahead to see your DGC and you can the alternate with MIL and one stay at Christmas and one at New Year. That's just my opinion of course.
Wow! I'm overwhelmed by all the responses! Thank you, they have been most helpful!
Just to clarify, myself, son & daughter all live in different countries, and all long-haul journeys, so spending
Christmas with one, and New Year with another, isn't really and option, due to time constraints, husband's work commitments, and of course, the cost of it all!
Also, the suggestions that I speak with the other GM and agree to alternate Christmas/New Year, isn't an option either. I know that there's no way on earth she would ever agree to that! She'll be there every year, Christmas AND New Year! And I certainly couldn't suggest to her that she takes her turn staying in a hotel - she would think that I was stepping way out of line! Yes, some of you will say that my son or DiL should decide what happens, and that we 'take turns', but DiL is very sweet and kind, and doesn't like any kind of confrontation, and my son simply likes to keep the peace with his wife and not cause any upset, understandable.
So, I guess it's up to me to make my own decisions ...
What most of you have said makes a lot of sense - I just needed to hear what other people thought about the situation. I agree that it's probably best for us to go to our daughter's this year and, more importantly, spend time with my father. It won't make feelings of missing out on time spent with my GC any easier, but as many of you have said, there will be plenty of other occasions for us to spend time together.
This grandparenting lark isn't the easy job I thought it would be ... but as long as I don't dwell on the other GM too much, I think things will turn out OK.
Thank you all so much for the advise ... and the pep talk that I very much needed!
have you discussed it with the other grandparents? or how about going away yourselves for christmas .and let s and dil have their own family christmas.after all you can see them in the new year. christmas gets hectic with all that many people in one house. i would sit down one weekend with all involved and discuss it.i would love to stay in a hotel after a busy christmas holiday...
Hi guys, i would spend christmas day with my other half just the two of us and then on boxing day go and visit everyone else including any grandchildren problem solved!xx
I’m with you Cindy.
As I know from years of experience, you cannot please everyone!
Over recent years, my husband and I have spent Christmas Day together, usually a day at the coast, and some awful Christmas movies, then Boxing Day, anyone who wants to come here, including extended family, are more than welcome, cousins all love seeing each other for a couple of days, and we all have a good time
No pressure though, if anyone doesn’t want to come, that’s fine
Basically I suppose what I’m saying is, do what YOU want to do, you won’t please everyone whatever you do
You have an embarrassment of riches. I hope you are feeling the gratitude especially when l think of the bad Christmas 's alot of people have.
Dawn
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