Not saying you’re wrong, and it may well be that this HV does dislike your daughter, but, trying to play devil’s advocate, and just to pick out a few things that you have said in your posts, to maybe get a bit of perspective on what the health visitor has seen or heard that may have given her concerns.
“They keep bringing up her mental health - she gets down at times like all of us and just wants to be left alone with her child”
Your daughter must have said something to make this an issue. Maybe she has disclosed more depression to the HV than you are aware of. You say “She gets down, she doesn’t know who to trust and is wary of talking to anyone”, and she cried all night because the health visitor “ripped her to shreds”. If she does have any kind of mental health issue then she could be over-sensitive to criticism and see the health visitor’s attempts to raise issues as “ripping her to shreds”. And just wanting to be left alone with her child may sound as though she is withdrawing and isolating herself and the child.
“D is a bit untidy but that's it.”
This really is a subjective thing, isn’t it? One man’s “a bit untidy” is another man’s “filthy”. (I used to have a friend who was incredibly houseproud and was constantly saying “my house is a tip”. To me, it was showhome immaculate.) It depends on the nature of the tidy, as well, and what is being left lying around that may be a hazard to a little one. For example, if your daughter did needlework and left a sewing basket around with needles and pins inside, that could be a danger.
“HV said she needed carpets”.
Why? What is the current flooring? Does she have laminate (with rugs that could be a trip hazard), or lino (which may be split or cracked) or is it bare, unsanded/unvarnished floorboards (that could be a splinter hazard). Children’s Services are right – lots of people DO live without carpets. But it depends on what the floor situation is and how it could be seen as a danger to a child (or an adult for that matter)
“She doesnt like my daughter's flat - its an upstairs one (she has a 3 year old), she doesnt like the idea child could fall down stairs but she doesnt want a gate up because of health & safety!“
This is just bizarre, and surely must be a misunderstanding. Where in your daughter’s flat are the stairs? You say “there are no communal stairs - she lives in an upstairs flat so the stairs are just stairs.” Is it a two storey flat/maisonette? What stairs is the HV worried about? Yes, stairs are just stairs – but from where to where? From the exterior door of the block of flats to your daughter’s landing? Or to her front door?
I’d go along with the suggestion by some other posters to be there when the HV next visits – but only if that’s what your daughter wants. And do in a supportive role, not to be challenging and defensive. Of course you want to protect your daughter but it won’t help if you come across as obstructive and argumentative.
It’s a positive that your grandson is at nursery as that is “another pair of eyes” on him, which will either show that there are no concerns, or may be another piece of a jigsaw puzzle.
As an aside, a serious case review investigating the death of a child found that several different agencies each had small concerns for the child, but none of the concerns were enough on their own to be referred to child protection. Those agencies didn’t share each of their concerns with any of the other agencies. But taken as a whole, the picture of that child’s lived experience was horrendous and because they were not referred, no single agency “took ownership” of the overall picture and the child tragically died. This is why professionals now raise and share their concerns, no matter how insignificant and nit-picking they may seem to the families.
Don’t see Children’s Services as the enemy. They genuinely just want the best outcome for the child, even if the families don’t see it that way. They do NOT want to split families up and they don’t want to remove children. I would encourage your daughter to engage with any help and support she’s offered. If she is struggling, be that with mental health, finances, isolation, whatever – support is there for her.
I am horrified to read Struggling2do1, a retired social worker, advise you to tell your daughter to send the HV packing.