They Are Trying Their Best, but I am Still Human

Unbelievable! Not entirely sure what your expectations are, just glad you were not my mother.

I think the key to this is to communicate Adult to Adult rather than what your son picks up which is Parent to Child. It doesn’t really matter what you say but if the response is from their Child, it invites you to reply in your Parent and it’s a ‘here we go again ‘ conversation. I work really hard, believe me, to maintain an Adult approach to my children. Sometimes it works and then the relationship is better, sometimes we slip and then it is less satisfactory. An example of this in action would be:
He calls and you say ‘oh Simon, great to hear from you, what have you been up to? I’ve got some interesting news’
Simon responds, you listen.
Wrong way to do it:
He calls, you say ‘Hi Simon, it’s ages since you called ‘. He immediately reverts to his Child. Try it, it’s not rocket science , it’s subtle and it works. For a far more detailed explanation read Eric Berne TA theory.

We only use phones for urgent messages. Otherwise, we have a family Skype window open, and everyone drops in and out when it suits them, and can catch up on everyone's news.
I also find it handy to be able to look back if I have forgotten an arrangement, which I can't do with a phone call.

Youngest daughter at home so we talk all the time. Eldest daughter lives 5 minutes away but I can go a fortnight without seeing her. If I don’t hear from her for 3 or 4 days I just send a text and ask her if she’s ok. Her usual reply is just “ yes” but when she has a problem or needs advice, texts and calls are pretty regular til it’s sorted then we go back to once a fortnight!! She works hard and if I needed her she would be there in a second. Always finish a text or call with “ love you “

2 of mine text or phone at least once a week and son calls at house if he is down this way.Other son only calls to confirm baby sitting or any financial matters as he looks after my assets.He never answers his phone but I think if I actually needed him for emergency he would help.

Thankfully my daughter rings two three times a day when walking to work or in her dinner hour. When I hear nothing from her especially on a weekend I know she’s busy and out or rushing doing chores so I don’t text. I leave it to her to ring me as she is busier than me, I hope we continue in this adult way, as she is a brill daughter.

My lot seem the other way round to most of you. My daughter hardly makes contact and if I haven't heard anything for over a month I text. she does texts back. My thoughts about her sporadic contact is relief ‘no news is good news’. A few years backs she telephoned in a state saying her best school friends mother who was younger than me had died. She was all “I don’t know what I’d do without you, I love you sooo much sob sob” it lasted about a month!. We’re back to normal now. My youngest son contacts me every week, sometimes more if there’s a problem. I send the odd text or call mostly about his ongoing treatment of his injury. He’s been in the forces since his teens so I think keeping contact has become a habit. I see the oldest a lot because of his wife’s awful illness and I’m in and out with the children. I do know it’s a fine line between keeping the lines of communication open and being too involved. The problem is if it goes wrong it’s always seen as our fault. I’ve no advice really Dina try not to feel too deflated maybe their just not talkers. Try a text when you think they may not be busy (not meal times) start with just a “hey how are you(I always say my lovely boy, but I’m soppy ( my DiLs tell me they know when it’s a text from me because they grin) and if their honest they quite like that”) you may be lucky and get one back if not try a week later hopefully that’ll do it and put your mind at rest that their ok. It does seem as though their not great talkers so don’t expect too much. I do hope when they do see you their a bit more forthcoming. We mothers love too much and that’s the cause of all our pain, it was ever so. It’s price we pay.

My daughter texts if she needs something ( usually kids need looking after, or an extra pick up from school). We never ‘chat’. My son will sometimes send me a funny photo/video from You Tube...as we have same sense of humour ...and will answer a text invitation to Sunday lunch ( he’s single)...again not much chat. But I know if I need them , they’d be there...same as if they need me I’d be there! I don’t expect them to be my friends , they have their own, as do I. Keep chatting for your friends.

My late mother expected contact from me every day and got quite ‘nasty’ if I missed a day. I vowed I would never inflict that on my daughter - we have phone contact once a week and they come to me most Sundays for lunch.

I have a friend who has a son and daughter, both divorced, in their fifties, who have to visit/phone, etc every day, and give notice if they are busy elsewhere. I think this is appalling.

We have a family Whats App group, so send messages frequently via that, with pictures of things we have seen, comments about life in general and pics of the grandchildren. And comments, questions etc. But get calls from the UK ACs about once a week on average to make arrangements for any social events or just update on things they are doing. And Skype Aussie daughter about one a fortnight. I do have friends who get calls/texts from AC several times a day, which I think I would find too much, unless there was something important going on. Two Ds are also on Instagram so I see what they are up to on that too. I am happy with the level of contact we have, and presume ACs are too, as they always seem pleased to chat as long as they have time. It must be difficult when there is a mismatch of expectation/reality.

I speak to my mum most days. Normally on the phone, sometimes just WhatsApp, depending on what I'm doing really.
I try and speak to my daughter every day. She doesn't always respond. This depends on her chaotic lifestyle and what problems she is having that particular week.
We always say love you at the end of our conversations.
I speak to my brother often, my sister rarely. We have a sibling group chat though, where we share concerns about our mum mainly. As siblings we don't tell each other we love each other, I'm not sure why. We do love each other.
I tell my best friend I love her at the end of our conversations too.

I think you have to accept your relationship is what it is with your adult children OP. You cannot change them or their need for you. Dont stop sending your messages but dial down your expectations of them replying to you immediately. Dont send another msg until they do.
They know you love them. Take the pressure off them and you. Good luck ?

Both my sons live in the next county and I usually have one weekend a month at both their homes. They both have high flying stressful jobs so I just text every week and if they can, will ring back. Son no:2 has always been more of a chatter than son no:1 but even so I am lucky with contact, and both their lovely ladies stay in regular touch too. My daughter is next door so no issues there, I know and so appreciate how lucky I am to have such great closeness with them all.

My Son and I SKYPE most evenings, he lives quite close but is very busy, we exchange news etc we dont speak for a long time, but we enjoy the communication.My Daughter rings mostly when she wasnts something, she doesnt like talking on the phone, but is quite happy to text,where has communication disapeared to these days!

I think you are expecting too much from your DS. & can imagine so many calls would be annoying especially if there is no specific purpose.
Why not set up a family WhatsApp group? which you can all contribute to and dip in and out of when you feel the need, its great for sharing pictures and videos.
My son lives abroad & we FaceTime once a week for a good chat. I do fret a bit if I don't hear from him for some time, but thats my problem, he has a busy life and will contact when he can.
I think to be treated as a friend having an adult chat you will have to take the pressure of them to respond. They clearly love you but maybe could do without so many calls.

Every day?! Surely that’s expecting far too much. I would be worried if my son suddenly started contacting me that often!

I hear from AC when they need something or have some knowledge to impart.
DD rings me on mothering Sunday and on my birthday. Information is delivered by messenger from DD and DS.
I talk more to DIL on the phone, she rings me and asks about childcare and finalises sleepover arrangements. She is a very caring DIL.

I speak to my Mum 2/3 times a week, sometimes more, sometimes less, it all depends what's going on, Mum is 90 & we live 300 miles apart.

DD & I message now as she has a busy life with DGS1 (9) & DGS2 (2). We may message several times a day but phone rarely. I see them when I can as I only live about 10 miles away now but it depends on or commitments. We all know the other is there if needed.

All family dynamics are different but in think sons are less inclined to frequent contact than daughters

I'm very lucky it seems as both my children live quite close.
Daughter and family literally across the road, so that close.
I have regular school pickups, which I love and am on call for any emergency child care, which I love, if doing nothing else.
My Son has his own Car Dealership business and Property Rental business and I am sometimes called on to help, in small ways, such as pick him up from the local garage, if he's dropped a car off for repair or the best fun ever, taking the occasional trade-in car to the Scrap-yard with him. We laugh so much! Mainly because he gets giddy and thinks it's hilarious, me, following him into a scrap -yard. I sometimes look after his properties while he's away and be on call to sort out any emergency repairs or whatever. Although, luckily, I've never had to do anything.
Also, if he and Dil are away I look after my youngest grandson, he's sat here with me now in his jim-jams. ?
So I'm very lucky to have contact from one or other probably every day and we not only part with a "love you" but they always kiss me on the cheek as do all my grandchildren.
Have to say, after telling you all this! It was my birthday yesterday and he has forgot, no card, no phone call from Spain. Just wait till he gets home!!!! Grrrrr! Although daughter and older Granddaughters arranged a lovely day for me so it was fine.

I ave 2 sons. Both live about 30 mins drive away- in opposite directions.
Elder one rings at least once a week just to catch up & brings DGC round quite often- although now one is nearly 15 so we don't see him that often- I am fine with that. If DS is over this way seeing old school friends- which is quite often he will just pop in.
Younger one rings maybe a bit less but then I do see his children at least once a week- they are younger so I pick them up from school one day a week. I see his wife to chat to when I take them home & he is usually home that day too.
I am quite happy with this arrangement- we do have the younger ones to stay at weekends quite often as younger son & DiL have a good social life. That is great & we used to have the others when they were younger too- now they don't need babysitting!
Having friends with daughters I do think that girls ring Mum more often. However I know if I need them my boys are only a short drive away & would drop everything if I needed them as I would ( & do!) if they need me.
Can't say fairer than that.
My Mum moved to Forest of Dean ( from Surrey) so I very rarely saw her when my children were small. I did ring her every day though.

I feel the relationship is very different with Boys.
I see how things are with my Sister-in-law and her Daughters, I have always been very sad that I don’t have that with my Sons, (Adopted, Mental Health Issues, very long story!)

My two daughters and their children, mostly grown ups, live nearby. My eldest daughter is recovering from a stroke so at the moment I’m seeing her more than I would if she was working as she is recovering at home. I see my younger daughter at least 3/4 times a week and we text each other often and go to the gym together 2/3 times a week we are good friends.
My son lives abroad with his family and usually calls or texts when he wants something or to confirm travel plans if I’m booked to go and visit them usually 2/3 times a year.

My eldest GS rings and texts all the time with news and just to check I’m ok since losing DH a few months ago I’m invited to dinner with his little family every week taking a homemade dessert with me.
I do find I miss my son a lot and probably get more info on his life and doings from his lovely partner in life, that seems to be typical of sons it seems.

I do wish there was a 'like' button on here. I agree, Patticake, Eric Berne knew a thing or two, didn't he.

my son, daughter in law and grandson live over 150 miles away from me, we skype every week for a good hour. I know I can contact him anytime via text, email, phone and he will be there for me if I needed him. Likewise if he needs me. They travel down to see me once every two months.
Of course I would love more contact with them and no doubt they feel the same. unrealistic expectation.
We as parents sometimes have unrealistic expectations of our kids when they have their own families, be grateful for a little contact, it sure as hell is better than none at all!

I also have two sons and was very much involved in caring for the children of one son, usually three times a week and school holidays. Since my grandchildren no longer need supervision, I rarely get any communication from them, unless of course they want something or an invitation to a family gathering. I understand they are busy people and we have little in common to talk about. I tend to keep in touch via their posts on Facebook. Sad but at least I know they are ok. I hope I will never have to depend on my kids.

I’m so lucky. My adult DC call me everyday, the girls multiple times. I was s single parent for the latter part of their childhood and I now babysit my two youngest GC while my daughters work. I think I’m blessed that my son is so close to me as my own DB can be a bit lacking in calling out own mum (whom I call daily). I think it’s just different families and different levels of communication. We have all always been close and I’m very very grateful for that. One of my DDs had a falling out with her DS and that put so much stress on the family dynamics so I’m eternally grateful that things are back to normal now.