They Are Trying Their Best, but I am Still Human

Mine do call every day my daughter will say I love you but not my son ,its not his way.He did however come in and ask me to their 28 week baby scan yesterday .I was in two minds about going as I think these should be parents only but I went and I'm glad I did .I was very emotional as their baby weighs exactly the same as he did when he was born ,not much over a kilo.The scan was a 4d one so we could see her wee face and I ended up in tears.I KNOW my son loves me I dont need him to tell me every day and I would think your children are the same .Be grateful for what you have ,if they are hard working ,good hearted people you've done a good job.

I see all of my children every day, as we all work in the family business!

DinaLK, I feel for you but fear that there may be little that you can do to remedy the situation. It does seem that men are far worse at communication in whatever form but particularly chatting on the phone. My husband conforms to this stereotype. Although one SIL does not so there are exceptions!
I have not read every comment here so someone may already have suggested going for "radio silence" for a month or so just to see what happens. If you receive no communication, you could text: "Still alive, hope you are" after the given time. Maybe it would jolt them into facing the fact that you won't always be there and that they should make time for you while they can. Alternatively and I pose this with all due respect: what about introducing different topics of conversation e.g. steer clear of their work lives and your daily experiences and see whether that elicits a more positive result. My husband likes talking about vegetables and succulents - fact based subjects are often more appealing to men. Also timing calls/texts for the least stressful times of their day e.g. noon on Sundays might also help.
My 2 DDs have busy lives, both at work and socially. My eldest daughter now has a one-year-old who is still demand feeding and waking many times through the night BUT we still communicate by phone and text nearly every day but at least a couple of times a week. As we are retired it usually times with their journeys home (they phone me). We have to contend with the noise of wind, traffic, rowdy people and sirens but I wouldn't have it any other way!
We can chat for hours covering many diverse topics including personal updates, grandchild's latest developments (we live a a long journey/short flight away), the news/politics, the arts, books/podcasts and on and on. The idea that phone calls are only for arrangements strikes me as odd but each to their own. We never run out of topics for discussion and I highly value my adult daughters continuing active presence in our lives.
By the way, one daughter always ends with "I love you" the other never. Just as in person one is a hugger the other not. Even in one small family each member is very different from the other.
I really hope that communications with your sons turn a corner and make you feel valued again.

I have 3 adult sons. If I don’t hear from no3 son for a month a wonder what he’s up to. Is I don’t hear from no2son after a week I get quite concerned. If no1 son doesn’t answer a text or call immediately I wonder if I need to ring the police!
Nice that they are all different!

My dd lives away I text her when i have news to share or ring sometimes when I just think of her. She does the same sometimes she text or rings every week other times misses a week. My two sons still live at home and I have a good relationship with both. My eldest works long hours and gets home late but often has a day off in the week and takes me for a carvery to catch up. My youngest son works shifts and we often go for a breakfast together. Both chat to me in evenings before going to their own rooms.

DD and I communicate mostly by Skype (about once a week) and FB messages (less often). Also, I see a lot of her and SIL's goings on through my FB Newsfeed. These might be options for you, Dina.

"Here is what I feel would be an ideal communication:

They call me daily (I'll settle for weekly or even bi-weekly). We talk about "anything." Sometimes it may be 5 minutes, longer if I'm lucky. We close the conversation with "I Love You." "

Beautiful! But not the reality in many cases (not just yours). Please don't judge reality by your vision of what's ideal. Your DSs probably have a very different idea of how the communication should be. In fact, IMO, this is a classic case of mismatched expectations.

"Reality Communication: I call or text them. No return call or text. One day passes, two days pass, three days pass ... I call or text once again thinking maybe they just some how missed the call or didn't see the text. No return call or text. Finally, make contact. They seem annoyed. I feel neglected. "

So sorry this situation hurts you! Hugs! I think you need to get over the idea, though, that "maybe they... missed the call or didn't see the text." That leads you to calling/texting more which is why, by the time you reach them, they "seem annoyed." My guess is they are annoyed b/c to them, it just looks as if you are "constantly" calling or texting.

Maybe if you back off a little, they'll wonder "where you are," and reach out themselves. What I mean is, maybe, call/text in the beginning of the week and then wait... don't give into the temptation to call/text again until they reply. If they don't, either try again the next week (same thing, just once and then wait) or don't call or text anymore until they do. They will, eventually, I'm sure.

"Him: Trying to find something for supper. (He pulls out frozen beef and says "oh I can't cook that because it's frozen" and then puts it back in the frig. and goes to find something else to cook)
Me: Oh, I cook beef from it's frozen state quite often. Not a problem. (I say this as calm and non-threatening as possible.. not at all meant as telling him what to do. Just simple conversation - I thought).
Him: Sounding annoyed, he says I know. I'll find something else."

Sigh... I know. You're answering him the way you would a friend, etc. But chances are, he takes it as if you're (subtly) trying to tell him what to do. You're his mum, and he may see it that way, no matter how you phrase it. Perhaps a better reply would be, "Oh. Well, hope you find something else" or "Oh, well I'm sure you'll find something else." Then maybe you'll get a non-annoyed, "Yes, I will."

Or maybe even just say, "Ok, I'll leave you to it. Just wanted to say hello and that I love you." Then perhaps you'll just get a "Love you, too, Mum" back and end the conversation happily.

I'm not trying to tell you what to say, just making suggestions. My point is, it might be better not to comment on what your DSs are doing, at all, since they seem to take it the wrong way. If they end up feeling annoyed w/ these conversations, they're less likely to want to have them. If the conversations are comfortable, then, perhaps they'll be more likely to respond. Or not. But as long as you have loving DSs and you're not estranged, I think you're doing ok!

When things are normally rolling along my daughters and I speak on the phone once every couple or three weeks. They do not live nearby. Otherwise we text. We seem to get a vibe that it's time to talk. We have an enjoyable catch up that covers all manner of topics.
Like one or two others I had a mum who needed to know where I was at any moment of any day and if I wasn't there she would panic and track me down somehow. It was very wearing and I could not bear to do this to my own children.
I have been unwell for a while now ( much improved lately) and I've been very moved and appreciative of how caring my children have been, and the communication increased while we all needed it to. Now that I'm getting better we are going back to our previous way of keeping in touch. I think we would all feel constrained if we felt we had to ring up every day. Their lives are hectic anyway, as mine once was when I had a family to care for and a full time and demanding job, and I value my independence.
What I'm trying to say is they will be there if you need them and don't crowd them with too many expectations.
I hope things get better for you and you find a way that works for all of you.

My son is back home, so I can’t get away from him ?
My eldest DD moved out and calls probably 10 times a day. As much as I love her, I don’t really have time to keep her company by talking to her on the phone while she walks to and from work or while she’s on her lunch break. (Especially when I’m at work!)
However I do have a good relationship with all the children, chat to them often and always say ‘I love you’ when ending a call.

If I talk to my sons on the phone, it seems forced and hard to make the conversation flow, so I dont without a very good reason. We text just occassionally. If we visit each other we talk for hours happily and naturally. I find the using the phone not too easy with my sons, yet I can talk on the phone for hours to my daughter.

I live abroad and 5 of my 6 AC live in England. One DS lives in the same country to me about 1.5 hours away. Dont usually see or hear much from them although since my diagnosus a month ago I have seen him and my DDiL twice and they are messaging more. After my second treatment yesterday it was friends that messaged me rather than my AC. The two youngest did message me but nothing from the other 4. If I text my eldest DD you would think she was replying to a casual acquaintance and not her mother. A phone call lasts 5 minutes tops and is hard work. Yet last year we spent 3 days at a spa hotel and had a wonderful time together. It's not even as if she leads a busy life or has lots of friends.
Obviously my cancer diagnosis is not so important to them as it is to me. Perhaps I will leave off the weekly messaging and just send a message about once a month as a PP suggested 'I'm still alive. Are you?'

Goodness, it is wonderful that so many of you speak to your AC or get text replies so often!

I have one AS abroad, he doesn't believe in Skype, doesn't answer phone calls, doesn't repond to texts. I will get a text if he wants something, and when I reply with what he wants I get a rare 'Thnkx Mum'. I always send him lots of love, but he just doesn't feel the need of a mum's love anymore.

DS2 we help out with weekly childcare, so see him then. DD we also help with childcare, so see her once or twice a week.

DS3 has just become a proud father, so at the moment we are receiving frequent updates, which is lovely!

Mostly I talk to my cat! Sad eh? I don't believe it is loneliness, because contact with good friends is regular and comes naturally.

My son died age 28 and he had always phoned me most days, a loving caring young man. My husband died 11 years ago. My second (and last child) seems not to care about keeping in touch. She lives three hours drive from here (I don't drive but have done tons of commuting).
She has a ten-year-old son, my only grandchild and I was there constantly minding him in his first year.

The loving GS is the one who phones - or has done half a dozen times, each time a wonderful surprise, and he is the one person who says 'I love you'. My DD or S-i-l might come on the line briefly.
If I commute now, it is to meet up for lunch, and they come for a weekend about four times a year. The boy has many weekend activities and both adults work at home.
Over the years, the dwindling contact which used to hurt, has become acceptable.
The countless emails I send are usually ignored, likewise the voicemails. OK, their lives are busier than mine!

Men dont in general (there are always exceptions) do phones or calls unless there is a reason. It's generally the same with small talk even when they were at home.

My daughter lives abroad. We talk once a week. Sometimes more if she has stuff going on. We visit every other few years.

One lad still at home. Not a big talker. He's good with emotional stuff though.

Eldest married with two children. I look after their eldest once a week so I see him once a week plus any variable information calls in between time.

He comes down once a month with our DiL and 2 grandchildren at the weekend for lunch.

Youngest son is in N-Z so it's mainly Facetime, email and text. Occasionally he comes home. I have yet to visit. Utterly dreading it as it's such a long one

We hold there hands a little while and let them fly. That way they come back. Lowering your expectations has been suggested and is right.

Before our eldest got married we would meet up once a fortnight and go for food together. That way something is happening and is more relaxed. Eating together is intimate bonding

I think to finish its quality, not quantity of contact. Perhaps you need to find more interests if your feeling lonely and redundant

We dont stop being mom's. The role of Mom just changes. Keep the home fires burning so they know where to run to if they need too.

I feel for you Dina, it seems to be a sign of the times I think.

Welcome to my mum's world with regard to her sons (my three brothers). One keeps regular contact, the second has to be called because he'd never call her and the other one is gallivanting around the world and never thinks to contact anyone although always calls her up on her birthday and at Xmas time. She never complains about lack of contact because she's used to it now (she's 87 years old) but I'm sure if my sister and I didn't keep in regular weekly contact she'd feel differently.

Anyway I wouldn't get hung up about it. You may find as they get older things will change but like my mum, don't bank on it. Just enjoy the times when you do speak.

I so appreciate and value each and every one of your posts. I have read each comment, including the one who said they are glad I’m not their mother. For the remainder Positive feedbacks, your replies are so valuable and encouraging. Your candid responses are very helpful. I can say that I have a more peaceful perspective and plan to replace expectations with more thankfulness. Thank You!!

That is such a wonderful update. We are never to old to learn.

When my last 2 grandchildren were born, I asked my DiL if it was OK to take them to see Santa or was that something she wanted to do herself? She said ‘it was fine, but thank you for being so considerate in asking’. The truth was, that it did not occur to me to ask the parents of the previous 6 GCs, I just did it. The reason I asked her was because I read on Mumsnet that some Mums think that only they should do it. Since reading MN I have checked my own behaviour several times in how I deal with my DCs and GCs.

You are their mother and you will always be there mother. You can negotiate some sort of relationship with them as " just" people.

It certainly takes a bit of working out though!

I have four Sons, three in relationships, youngest at home, long term relationship broke up but he has bought a house and will be moving out soon- I am fine with that. The 3 youngest are loving and affectionate, my eldest Son however is a ' satellite' to our family. I know he loves me but... it hurts that he is so close to her family. Girlfriend and Mother are joined at the hip , no friends etc. It hurts but there is nothing I can do about it, I have to tread on eggshells despite it all. Could you text them with some good news or something interesting to them? Having adult Sons is like having anew boyfriend, you tread on eggshells. However I have a fab relationship with two Daughters in law xx Don't take it personally, I really don't think they mean to hurt, they are just different to us. Do you have a partner to talk to? xxx

Hi Dina, I am with everyone who doesn't like to phone or be phoned, except for vital information exchange. On the other hand, Whatsapp is brilliant because you can send photos e.g. 'saw this in the shop and thought of you'. They can respond with an emoji, and you know then they are still okay. There is something about WhatsApp that makes your posts err on the side of humour. Good luck with finding what suits you and your family.

vivonce,
no its not sad talking to your cat I talk to mine all the time and she answers back, just wish I understood her lol

We are not great communicators, my three ADD and I. We live on the basis that we know each other are there and can rely on each other to be in touch if necessary. DD1 has started to phone a bit more often, sometimes as much as about every two weeks, probably because I am older - not terribly old yet though. The phone calls are terrible as neither of us is good on the phone and can't think of what to say.
I would be stuck for what to say everyday! It sounds far too often to me! We do say "I love you." I have a friend who phones almost daily, possibly to see if I am alive. Sometimes I find it hard to know what to say and so talk rubbish. She asks if my children have been in touch and I feel she is judging them and it upsets me.
My children send the odd email and text, often with photos of the grandchildren which is lovely. These are irregular depending on what is happening. I get post cards if they go away at all.
I am happy with the low level of contact because I know they are there and if I want to I can get in touch and so can they. I would hate them to have to feel they had to phone mummy in order to be good children. That would not be like our family.
I did phone my mother a lot and almost every day before she became too unwell to cope with the phone. She needed this though and was a different sort of person. I would hate it if my children felt they had to phone me in the way I felt I needed to keep my mum happy.
When I was a child and went to Guide camp, I never cried when we drove away or after the parents went home after their visit. I couldn't understand why others did! Often the visit was on a Wednesday and we were going home on the Saturday! But I just used o say to them that their home was still there so they didn't need to cry.
It is striking how different we all are in this thread. I do notice that there are many frequent communicators who live near enough to babysit and the phone calls seem to be about arranging things like that!
I don't think men do communicate as much as women. I think it is something related to the fact that there are many more men who are autistic than women! When I explained to an elderly friend what autism was, because I was working on an international research project on it, and said about the lack of communication part, she immediately said, "That's all men then, isn't it?" I joke that it explains me. But as I keep saying, I don't feel the need to keep phoning, because I know that if there's something we do need each other for we will be in touch.

I seldom had contact with DD1 who lives three hours away and has a very busy life before WhatsApp was invented. Now one liners and photos shoot back and forth several times a week. Pictures of the DGC, the run she went on, a newly decorated room..... a quick bit of news. WhatsApp is wonderful! We have a family group and separate contacts too. WhatsApp has brought the siblings more together too. They only used to contact each other through me!

I could have written your post Dina except I don't phone nor text unless something has to be communicated. I only see my only son once a year at Christmas unless I call in to his work and then I am not particularly welcome so I don't unless I have something to deliver to the family. I too would love to have a normal adult relationship with both him, his wife and my DGD but they are always too busy and to be fair I am busy too. I would however always change any plans for them if they wanted to see me. Safely not.