Feel sorry for DH

I am sorry to read about your situation with the card, but really pleased you were invited out to celebrate.

Talking of these 'commercial days' and cards, my son was going to come and see me on Mother's Day, but as it is so much petrol I said to wait until my birthday the following week on 8 April.

I must admit I did cry when the letterbox was empty that weekend, I thought he'd post my card instead as I wasn't seeing him.

When we spoke again I told him I was upset he hadn't sent me a card, and I wanted one in future. He said he didn't normally bother with cards and I said I beg to differ, I'd kept every card he'd given me, and when his Dad was alive, he always sent me one. His Dad also used to hide in the utility room wrapping the gift with them!

I like cards, I feel happy someone has thought of me. Unhappy this year!

Summerlove; how I agree with you!

I’m shocked (though I shouldn’t be) How many posters are saying “well, he’s a man, and they just don’t think like that”, then turn around and say that DILs parents should be ashamed at how they raised her.

Parents who raise sons to be so thoughtless to their own parents and expect their wives to take care of the emotional labour should be ashamed. Women who let men get along at being forgetful instead of calling them out on their behaviour and teaching them to fend for themselves should be ashamed. Expecting men to pull their part, doesn’t make women spiteful or mean.

Just because something was done like that in your day, doesn’t mean that it was the right way, or that today’s families are wrong for doing it a different way. It comes across as extreme jealousy, and pettiness.

I’m sorry your husband was hurt, but please never do as one suggests and put your grand child on the spot. It’s not their fault.

Have a word with your son. This is HIS failing. Not your daughter in laws.

You clearly don't get on. I would be interested to know what happened when your grandchild was born. Did you fall out about something then? I've known people to fall out because a grandchild is named after a grandparent and the other side of the family take offence. Or one set of grandparents have the child overnight, silly squabbles about how to care for the baby , you name it. In addition we can't like everyone we meet. Your son clearly sees something in his wife, he sees some admirable qualities, so what do you see. You think she is a bitch. How hurtful would your son find that comment?
You know all families are are different, they do things in a slightly different way. There may be traditions in her family that you don't have. It can be puzzling if you don't have those traditions , if you do things differently. Has she always given her dad a homemade card and you have only just discovered that? Does she have siblings who do similar?
You know there are so many threads on different sites where daughters in law complain about their in laws. Quite often it seems that the parents are unwilling to let their son and wife do things their own way. I've read of parents who demand to be in the delivery room when the daughter in law is in labour! I mean what sort of person does that? Demanding to have the new born overnight! What! Arguing about names? And all the time justifying their actions.
Look, I don't know what is really going on here but I think you need to step back. Think if you have got the wrong end of the stick. Have you been a bit out of order? Do you think she favours her own parents? ( The last one is quite natural to me)Is it really just about the card or is it more than that?
Perhaps just accept that you won't get on?

I think, from the original post, none of us were aware that the OPs husband did actually receive both a card and a gift from the son, which does shed a slightly different light on the matter. If the card given to the other GF was actually from the DiL for father's day then I see no problem. However, if the card was made/written specially for the other GF from the GS, then personally I think it would've been only fair to make a card for both grandfathers. That being the case, then the fault undoubtedly lies with the DiL for getting the GS to make/write only one card. That is purely spiteful.

You need to speak to your son about this.

Seems like it’s about more than just a card.....your DH got a Father’s Day card from his son. Your DiL got her son to give her father a card. It’s her father is the clue. Doesn’t sound too awful to me. All the fathers got something. It’s obviously more than just he got a card, he didn’t. It’ll just be another piece of evidence you have built up to dislike this particular person.

Honestly and as kindly as possible your words about her were vile. You called her a bitch. This is how you feel and you can hide it from them.
You only reached out to get to know her and be close one she had a baby. The timing is not lost on her.
You do strongly dislike her. I’m sure it has impacted her marriage. She knows you don’t like her. You just want your son and her son. She knows that. And why wouldn’t she be cold to you?
I imagine she would tell a story of a woman’s who had very little interest in her until she had a baby.
I’m sorry for all of you. But I think you should look carefully at how you have treated her.
You dislike of her surely comes through.

I’m glad your son gave your DH a thoughtful card for Fathers Day. My question is did his wife have to remind him to buy it for his dad? If not, if he did it all on his own unprompted then this is an issue between your son and his wife and I hope he takes it up with her. I don’t know if she snuck in a card from her son to her dad and kept it a secret from your son or not.
Maybe that’s a tradition in her family growing up and she didn’t think she had to remind her husband to get his dad something from their son, just like she didn’t have to remind her husband to get something for his dad. However, if that was the case are I would assume when she be found out that she would apologize. And maybe she did did. Perhaps that was the apology your son gave to you on her behalf. And I’m sorry your DH felt left out. Personally, I think it’s inappropriate for grandchildren to give give a to grandparents on mother’s day and Father’s Day.

Two Slices Of Cake

What do you mean ‘she knows you hate her answer and so does your son.’ ??

Until this evening when my son popped in on way from work, I hadn’t even mentioned it to my him or spoken/seen/messaged his partner.

You are already ahead of me there.

Doesn’t make sense to me at all.......

Oh dear Two Slices of Cake.....sorry but you haven’t go the picture at all. My DS and DH have a very good relationship and both are very thoughtful and kind towards each other.

I didn’t need to ring my son up and rant. He gave my DH a card on Father’s Day with nice sentiments written in and also a gift voucher for something he knew DH was after. So, as other posters have said, he was a son looking after his own side of the family. Maybe because DIL isn’t bothered. He apologised on behalf of her (!) saying that he hadn’t actually known DGS had made a card for the other grandad.
(Not sure that was possible..). And didn’t notice the one passed to the other GP.
Lightheartedy - if it’s possible to be between some relationships - I have told my son that however I tried being ‘friendly’ (or even amicable) with his partner it,s is like being in a cold empty house where you switch on the central heating to get some heat in but someone opens all the doors and windows so no warmth is ever created. And you still end up freezing cold. That is the best, although feeble, analogy I can think of. Will try and respond to more posters tomorrow but had a poorly day today and must rest now.
Actually I am quite a nice person and my DH is even nicer, that why I don’t like him snubbed or taken him for granted, bless him.
Fairy

Your disdain for your sons wife is palpable. She knows you hate her answer so does your son.
You hate her so much you have gone out of your way to place blame on a thoughtless encounter with your DH on her when clearly clearly your own son is at fault.
You raised him. He is not a thoughtful man with good intentions toward his father, and you happily blame his wife for his behavior.
You mention you only tried to have a good relationship with your sons wife once she had a baby.
Your motivations are clear to your son and his wife.
Be grateful they invited you to lunch at all.
Call up your son and rant to him about his thoughtless behavior toward his father.
Why haven’t you done this?

You were all invited out to lunch, presumably that was paid for by DS and DiL? Even if not, it was a kind gesture to arrange to meet up, so no need really for a card at all. However, DiL had obviously bought/made a card for her DF (I doubt a 5 year old would make a 'lovely handwritten' card) so made sure he got it. Perhaps her DF was going home immediately after lunch so she had to give it to him while you were all there. I agree it looks pointed but (and this from another one who gave up buying cards on behalf of family members years ago) only your DS is to blame if a card is lacking. IMO being invited out for a meal is lovely ... and enough. You didn't mention that your DH minded at all so it comes across as if you are trying to find fault with your DiL. Maybe your relationship with your DiL has difficulties on both sides.

As a dil, I would have ensured both received a card especially as they had both been invited to the same event.

It is just as much your ds's fault, as he should have thought about his father - they must have talked about it together surely!

A spiteful thing to do, I agree. She'll be the MiL herself one day-what goes around, comes around!

I can see that it was a bit unpleasant that a big fuss was made of card to one grandfather and not to the other.

Did your OH mind as much as you did?

As to it being your son's responsibility to match what had been done for the other grandfather, I guess it probably is. I have to say that fairly soon after I married I worked out that my OH never bothered to send anything to his parents on special days; and to start with I kept reminding him - but in the end I just thought "Why am I doing this? - he is a grown man." So I stopped. Maybe your DIL is at the same point.

I think the fact that you were invited out to lunch will have to suffice and there is little point in inflaming the situation by commenting on the absence of a card. If relationship with DIL is a bit rocky anyway, might be best to bite the tongue!

I feel blessed I really do. I’ve often thought that if I could have chosen anyone in the world for my son to fall in love with and marry it would be my DIL. ?

Your son should have taken responsibility for making sure a card was given that is if he knew what was happening maybe he had no knowledge that a card was going to be given by the child

I have to say I’m with PamelaJl on this one why did dgs give grandad a card surely it should have been his Dad(your son) that got the card

Not Dil's responsibility to but FiL card but your son's - speak to him.

Strange that the OP has not been back with any more elaboration as to whether it was a card to the grandfather from the grandson or the DIL gave her father's day card through her son. Yes the son is responsible for a card for his father but making such a fuss as the DIL did is very unpleasant to say the least. As her parents were the ones who brought her up maybe they didnt feel uncomfortable about it as maybe they behave that way too.

If daughter in law thinks her husband should look after his family....she is just as bad. My in laws would never have got a Xmas present, ever if it had been down to my husband. I was extra nice when they were difficult...and after a couple of years we were so close they said I was just like a daughter. Your daughter in law is a bitch....if she were mine...I would be having a word with your son...tell him about the hurt...ask if he would be happy if his son treats him this way in years to come.

Once you've said, or sent, a thank you to your DS, DiL & DGS for the lunch (and that should have been done by now) it's too late to start moaning about the FiL's card. What good will it do? It might even make the situation between you and your DiL worse. Forget it- you are only upsetting yourself and probably your DH by not dropping this matter.

...also, whilst it’s not nice to acknowledge the situation for what it is, there is no point in pretending the dil hasn’t deliberately gone out of her way to hurt Pil. The op knows what she’s dealing with and sounds like she wanted to get it off her chest.