Feel sorry for DH

Did the son give his dad a card? Or is it a totally mixed up family?

I feel your pain. My parents have been going through the same thing for years.
They have never had a card or gift from either of their granddaughters by my eldest sister.
They are now 26 & 30 and still don't do anything.
I have had to watch my mum cry and see my dad hurt by this. My dad wised up a few years ago and doesn't bother with them much, just pleasantries. My mum has finally seen the light that they are greedy and selfish.
It is painful when you see this behaviour and I hope you can move on from it but it will be hard.

I have three sons and yes I do think the dils take over where we left off. But my sons need to take responsibility as well and I would be taking this grievance up with him I really would. I know from experience sons take a back seat with family going along with wives decisions only natural it's the way of things however I do think they need to take some responsibility.

While your DiL sounds unpleasant, the responsibility of buying a father's day card for your husband lies with your son. Being born male doesn't give him a get out of jail free card when it comes to thinking about others, especially his own father.

I spent years carrying the mental load for my ex husband. I bought all of the cards and presents for his family as well as for mine. It was taken for granted that I'd do this.

Personally I wouldn't have given one GF a card in front of the other like that - it's crass and insensitive, but you need to be equally as angry with your son.

How awful for you Fairydoll. I see this MIL thing so much on this site and don’t understand it at all apart from just sheer jealousy and I’m keeping your Son/Daughter for myself, The DIL would of know how hurtful this was and even if she thinks it’s up to your Son to do something like the card she should and would of known how this must of felt to your husband and said we can’t just give one card.

My late MIL always had a card and presents on mother’s day, birthday, Christmas from my Husband but always said I know who bought this so thank her or if we went as a couple she smiled and said I know who bought it. Life is too short for silly games and I’m glad I don’t think I was like this thoughtless DIL so many have on here.

I guess some people are just mean

I took great pleasure in choosing MIL her gifts etc, yeah it was husbands responsibility but it wasn’t a competition between us and I genuinely loved buying them she was a lovely lady

Very hurtful and mean but your DS should take some responsibility. We were once at DS1's on Father's Day and his children presented him with cards and son never said a word to his Dad. I still regret not asking him where his Dad's card was.

It was incredible rude of Dil not to have DGS make two cards, one for each granddad. This is just basic good manners when she knew that you were all getting together for lunch. You know what she’s like and she isn’t going to change. Best not to dwell on it as you really cannot effort to fall out. Let it go as you don’t want to fall out. Enjoy whatever contact you have with your DGC.

I can’t believe that you refer to her as ‘a thoughtless bitch’ just because your son didn’t step up and sort out a card for HIS OWN FATHER.

It’s clear that she’s far from thoughtless as she got her own father a card and both sets of grandparents were invited out for lunch.

The only thoughtless one here is YOUR SON and maybe he’s always been this way because you never pulled him up on it when he was younger? Perhaps it’s time you said something directly to him about how his inaction has hurt your feelings?

I have 2 grown up DSS’s. One sent his dad a beautiful hand drawn Father’s Day card and the other sent nothing, not even a text. I know his partner would have sent her dad something lovely as she’s very close to both of her divorced parents and sees them very regularly. She’s a genuinely lovely person who I admire and respect enormously. The son/her partner is a thoughtless selfish dick at times.

As far as I’m concerned, it’s none of my business. It’s up to my DH if he wants to confront the son but as DH was equally passive about looking out for his own mother, it would be hypocritical of him to harangue his son.

I do think though that calling her a bitch is uncalled for and downright nasty. The relationship isn’t going to improve if you continue to blame her for your son’s failings.

If it was me I would email DIL or DS and say ‘ thank you so much for a lovely meal for Father’s Day ! It was very kind of you to invite us and we appreciate it very much It was nice to see your parents again. DGS is so ( clever funny bright ).

I must say that DGS having only one card for your father was very embarrassing!!!! I felt so bad for my husband . You have no reason to be mean to us so I know you probably just forgot. I thought it was better to flag it up so it doesn’t happen again? If DGS has only one card perhaps give it before we arrive. Thanks.

Of course this is deliberate! How hurtful of your DIL to behave in this way and actively coerce DGS to do the same albeit unknowingly!

Shame on your son for letting things get this bad; you make no mention of Fathers Day card from your son to his own fathers, do we take it that he didn't bother either?

What a mean, toxic, vile and manipulative person this DIL is!!!

Personally, I would STOP sending her any birthday cards and not even address a Christmas card to her either, but that's just my opinion.

You are right to feel hurt for your DH, he might say he doesn't mind but I'm sure he is. My partner receives NOTHING from one of his sons because my partner left a very violent controlling marriage (yes, she used to physically abuse him) but she is so manipulative that the son can see no wrong in the awful woman! My partner says he's not bothered but I know he is.

As a Grandfather I don’t expect cards from my GC. I’m lucky that I have two Ds and they both gave me a card. It is Fathers not grandfathers day, it’s only the shops that push cards and presents GF. When I was young my father got a handmade card and they was nothing for GFs from me or any other GC

What a nasty d.i.l. for you to have to contend with Fairydollwe're so pleased that we no longer have to deal with ours.

I agree that it is up to your son to buy for his own dad for fathers day, that said I'd always asked Mr. S. if he'd bought his dad a card and still remind him about his mum for mothers day and her birthday.

Your post though is about your GS presenting a hand made card to his other GF, in front of your DH on fathers day.

I wouldn't be at all surprised if your son knew nothing about it. I'd ask him if he knew and if he did tell him it was a nasty thing to do. I'd also tell my d.i.l. that in future, if there's no card for my DH not to have our GS present a card to his other GF in front of him.

Of course you may be worried about things escalating if you speak up and ending up with no contact and I do understand it's very hard, which is why I'm so thankful that despite the pain of estrangement, we no longer have to deal with this kind of crap.

Was it a card from your Grandson to his Grandad? So like a Grandads day card?
Or was it an actual Father's day card from DIL to her dad and the grandson just gave it to him?

Craicon did you not read the OP. Fairydoll is referring to a hand made card by their GS, being presented to him in front of everyone even though there was no card made by the GS for her DH, the other GF.

So I agree yes, she is a "thoughtless bitch" who appears to have put a lot of thought into how best to hurt her f.i.l. and possibly, if he knew nothing about it, humiliate her H.

I am all for equality but let’s be honest most men are useless when it comes to cards etc. I think they get even worse when they are married because they think their wife will remind them. Sad but true. My hubby is useless and if it wasn’t for me his family wouldn't get anything but I make sure they do because I care about them and our relationship with them. I’m not sure his parents know i buy everything but I never say anything. Unless the dil is mentally challenged, of course she’s knows what she is doing. She is being a bitch. I don't agree that it’s just down to the son, the clue is in the title, daughter in law, you take on your partners family when you marry, like it or not. She knows what she’s doing. My hubby is caring but wouldn’t think either even if a meal is booked, the dil is at fault for rubbing your dh nose in it. I too would have asked where my dh card was,

I don't think it was handmade it just says 'beautifully written' which made me think it wasn't from the Grandson? Maybe he just presented it to him?

I have a 5 year old. Beautifully written isn't a word i'd use to describe her writing style.

I don’t think it matters whether the card was handmade or not really, the point is the dil made the gc give her dad a card knowing it would hurt her Pil.. Unless she is completely devoid of all emotional intelligence this is nasty and spiteful.

sounds a lot like my daughters husbands family. they never send birthday cards etc. or christmas ones .its like i dont exist .and yet they lavish attention on my daughter and grandchildren.. grrrrr. i use to pretend it didnt bother me but deep inside it does,....am having a word with the prayer councellor tomorrow at church . i know it wont solve anything but just to talk to someone will.

Sb74

I agree, obviously it’s the sons role in an ideal world. I always bought cards and presents for all my husbands family , and I’m certain they were aware of it. It just all seems petty to me .

My brother and his wife have this arrangement, and the children always got totally inappropriate presents, but at least he tried!

I do feel for you fairy doll spoilt what should have been a happy occasion.
I agree with posters saying it is up to your son to get his dad a FD card ( not how it’s done in my house but things are different times we live in)
On saying that if it was a handmade card from your GS I do think your DIL was pretty mean not say oh we’ll have to make one for grandad fairy doll ? too so I think she knew what she was about
? ? for you a and your husband

Can I say first that I have no children so can look at this post with a completely neutral stannce. I feel that mothers with sons always seem to blame their daughter in law for everything. I used to buy all the present and cards for both sides of the family after consultation with DH on how much we could afford to spend. I gave as much consideration to what I bought my mother in law to what I bought my own mother. It was agreed that I took over the task as I worked less hours than my husband and also worked nearer the centre of town so it was much easier for me to have a look around for suitable gifts ans according to people I bought presents for I had a gift for buying the right thing. I feel in this more equal society that unless there is some hidden reason why your son could not have taken responsibility for making sure that his own father has a suitable present and card I feel that the blame lies equally with him if not more so as it is his own father who has been hurt. As for doing DIY jobs for his daughter in law where is your son in all this why doesn't he do the DIY jobs she is probably only asking as her husband has left jobs undone and the poor woman is at her wits end. The only blameless one in my eyes is the child who should have been lead by the example of his parents. I do feel great emphathy for your dear husband as I agree it must have been extremely hurtful but do look at your sons part in this.x

I understand why you are upset but shouldn't your son have got a card for your grandson to give to your husband. Your DiL maybe just thought she should get something for her father and your son should get something for his father?
Also with presents your son should get gifts for his side of the family and DIL for her side. Me and DH have always done this. When we give gifts we say they are from us both but he is responsible for his side and I am for mine my DD and SiL also do this.

If the dil had any sensitivity about her, being fully aware there was no card to give her fil, why not just ask the gc to give her dad a card when Pil not there? The intention was to upset the Pil probably more than to make her dad happy. The dil sounds a piece of work to me.

Gone are the days when the wife automatically saw to all the greeting cards. You can't really blame your daughter in law 100% it's also down to your son.