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granddaughter moving

(59 Posts)
coleen21 Thu 27-Jun-19 16:58:11

hey everybody, i need your help,

my son announced last week he's moving his family, including our only grandchild, 6 yr. old granddaughter, 3000 miles away. we are in the states. it's is literally from one coast to the other.

right now they are a 2 hour drive away, which we've done every 3 weeks since she was born.

while we don't get to spend as much time as we'd like with her we are quite close and she grieves each time we leave.

this move has me quite upset and i don't know quite how to deal with it. i will miss not only my little girl, but our son as well.

we have one other child, but she is in europe and we've had no contact with her for over 10 years. she has no children.

i just can't stop crying. they move in 10 days. sometimes i wish it would happen tomorrow so i could just get my life back.

so, will there be life after they leave? how am i going to survive not having her little hugs?

hondagirl Sat 29-Jun-19 05:14:32

That should read 5,000 miles!

JacquiG Sat 29-Jun-19 10:28:54

Some very wise advice above. Send them off with a smile. Meanwhile, set up Skype.

Starlady Sat 29-Jun-19 13:24:49

Collen, I feel for you deeply. IMO, you have been given a lot of good advice. I just want to add that you might want to look into the record-your-voice books on Amazon. You can record yourself reading a story and send it to little GD. These books are very expensive, IMO, but I bet she'd love feeling as if you were right there reading to her. Of course, you'd have to check with the parents first. They might think it's "weird" to have someone's voice in the house w/o the person, IDK. Another idea - to keep GD's attention while on Skype - is to read her a story while skyping if you would enjoy that.

Also, I agree with GoodMama that it's not wise to show up uninvited. Even more so, IMO, when you have to travel 3000 miles to do it and would probably be hoping for an extended stay. But when you are invited, I agree with the poster who said to offer to stay w/ GD while the parents get to go out, etc. Fun for all! But please be prepared to accept it if they decline the offer.

Also, I agree with the poster who said not to rush to move near DS and family b/c they might move again. Imagine if you move there and, a year or so later, there's another sudden announcement about their moving again!

I know this is hard for you and Paka, right now, but I'm sure you'll adjust and find new ways to connect w/ DS and GD. As for GD, please take heart - she probably isn't that aware of the passage of time. Whether she sees you in person every three weeks or a couple of times a year won't mean as much to her as the good times you'll have when you do visit. No doubt, she'll cry when you leave, etc., but soon be back to her other activities. As for you and Paka, maybe you can keep a journal or photo album of your visits that you'll work on each time as soon as you get home or she leaves your home.

About the suggestion to wait to call - good advice, but if you're on FB and so are DS/DIL, you may get to see pix of their new home and their family moving in, etc. People take "selfies" of so many things today. They might not, but it's worth taking a look, IMO.

You WILL get through this, I have no doubt. Hugs!

Starlady Sat 29-Jun-19 13:28:57

Also, I'm sorry about your estrangement from your daughter. Perhaps that's affecting your feelings about DS' move. I'm glad the posts here have made you feel better. Also, please keep in mind the 2 situations are very different.

Starlady Sat 29-Jun-19 13:52:01

Just caught this: "Your son announced last week that his move is happening in just 10 days’ time? Is it really believable that from him knowing about this to actually moving is 17 days? He must have known a long time beforehand and simply not told you and the big question you might want to ask is why?"

Probably b/c they knew you would be upset. But it might be b/c he didn't know for sure until very recently, especially if there's a job issue involved (you didn't say). Regardless, I wouldn't question them about it. Obviously, the move affects you, but I wouldn't make it about you. Focus on them, the exciting new life they're going to have, and getting in those cuddles w/ GD, etc. As others have said, do your crying and questioning when they're not around.

My heart goes out to everyone here who has been separated from their AC and GC (or GGC) by distance, etc. especially if you don't get to see/talk to them that often. EllenVannon, I'm so sorry your health won't let you visit your DD and family anymore. I don't understand why they can't still visit you, but I'm so sorry that's what's happening. I hope you can still keep in touch through FaceTime, etc.

Smurf, bless you for being there for GD when she needed you! It must have been quite a shock when she decided to move to live with her mum! But I think you were very wise not to try to stop her. But now to have DS and family move on top of it all! No wonder you are heartbroken! And yet you are kind enough to take the time to empathize with others in similar situations. You seem like a great person, and I'm sure they know that and miss you.

I'm sorry that FT isn't working out so well w/ DS and family. But, in time, as they settle in more, I'm sure it will. Eventually, you may be able to work out a schedule where you do FT once a week or something like that, even if just for a few minutes. Are you "friends" w/ them on FB or any other social media? Then, at least, you may be able to follow their activities by seeing pictures, etc. I know that's not like being with or speaking to them but, IMO, better than nothing.

"I just feel so sad every time I go into the GCs’ bedroom or see a game we had such fun with..."

I know you didn't ask for advice, Smurf, so skip this if you're not interested. But perhaps you need to get rid of the old games or put them somewhere you don't see them so easily (to save for visits). And maybe it's time to change the GC's room into something else? A den? A library? You can keep a bed in there in case one of them visits, but perhaps you'd feel better if the room was repurposed, overall? Maybe not. Just a thought.

Also, I'm sorry you don't have any other family, but perhaps you could get more involved with friends or volunteer activities? Nothing will completely fill the void you are feeling, I know, but it might help a little. Hugs!

GoodMama Sat 29-Jun-19 14:34:22

Coleen21, Starlady gives some wonderful advise on moving forward. I agree, don’t torture yourself with constant reminders. Be kind to yourself.

There is quite a bit of surprising and unwise advice on here regarding contact with your son and his family.

My suggestions to you are given with your best interest at heart.

The biggest and most important nugget is to let them miss you.

Please, do not visit them uninvited.

Do not immediately setup a weekly FaceTime schedule. They are a young family moving to a new homes and city. All of that and what it brings is stressful. Exciting, yes, but very stressful. Let them find their way and enjoy this time.

Be careful about expecting babysitting time with their daughter when you are invited to visit. Please don’t pin all tour hopes on this. It’s quite possible they will jump at the chance and be grateful. It’s also possible they will not be comfortable with the idea of being voluntold to leave their home and daughter so someone else can have alone time with her. That is not to say there is anything untoward going on. Just that they might wish to visit with you as a family.

I agree with Starlady that it’s a little peculiar that they told you with such short notice. Possibly to spare you feelings and a long drawn out emotional goodbye. It’s also possible all of this came together rather quickly. It’s also possible they are looking forward to building a life just the three of them.

It’s wonderful they were comfortable with you having a room at your home dedicated for their daughter and that they allowed her to spend time there.
But don’t let this room become a shrine or painful reminder. Again, I agree with Starlady, turn it into something fun for you!

Give them space. Manage your expectations of them and your relationship with them moving forward. Things will no doubt be different. But it will be lovely in this new chapter if you allow it to be.

Esther1 Sat 29-Jun-19 14:50:07

I feel your heartbreak. Two of my children had emigrated to Australia from the UK and their babies were born out there. My DH and I would seriously considered moving out too if it not were two more children and GCs in the UK. We did calculate that out of days in the year we actually saw more of the ones in Australia - it was just concentrated into a couple of months. Happily they have emigrated back and we see them every day. This might happen to you. However, you just have to make the best of the situation as it is and cry in private. It’s so unbelievably hard and I so feel for you.

CW52 Mon 01-Jul-19 06:20:00

Our 3 grandchildren were born in Australia while we were in the UK. It's tough ! but we visited a few times and have eventually retired and upped and moved to Oz ourselves. DD is an only child and the lifestyle is unbeatable. In the years we were apart we Skyped regularly but the time difference is awkward and as someone said earlier, the kids lose concentration and want to watch the Teletubbies :-) It helped me (& them) tremendously to pack up small items to post to them, I loved thinking up ideas for them and they loved the postie bringing stuff from Nanna :-) a colouring book, a lollipop, a comic, pyjamas........Keep your chin up, try to visit, she may be able to come to you on her own soon:-)