Gransnet forums

Ask a gran

Competitive other GP

(101 Posts)
Dontaskme Fri 05-Jul-19 10:18:49

I haven't really shared this as after what happened with my last GC (totally estranged forever, will never see or hear from them ever) which is making me feel very, umm, insecure already and this isn't helping.
A different AC's partner is about to give birth next month. That's beautiful, brilliant, fantastic BUT her Mother is sooooo competitive its making me seriously want to tell her to drop dead, which I wouldn't obviously but I feel so p'd off. She has already made the statement that she is going to be, and I quote, "favourite Nanny". Everything I do or say she contradicts or googles or texts someone to check details and comes back to me with "actually blah blah blah". I walked the AC dog yesterday as they are away for couple of days and left a note saying how good he was and how happy he as to see me - went back this morning after the other future GP had been in last night to find a note saying "Shep is ALWAYS happy to see me and is always so excited when he just hears my voice".

Its driving me bonkers and I don't even see her often. I'm dreading what is going to happen when the baby is actually here. I don't want to be in competition with anyone, I just want to be able to enjoy my Grandchild.

Dontaskme Fri 05-Jul-19 10:21:43

Sorry, ask a gran, - what would you do?

Yorksherlass Fri 05-Jul-19 10:35:28

I’m in a similar position so I completely understand and sympathise, just want to punch her lights out, but you just have to grin and bear it if you want to have a relationship with your grand child, when I’m corrected or topped on something I just smile sweetly and ignore whatever’s been said, rise above it , not easy I know. PS ,thumping a cushion helps😜

ginny Fri 05-Jul-19 10:48:28

I do understand how you feel but a competition needs at least two competitors. Don’t be one of them.

stella1949 Fri 05-Jul-19 10:50:13

I'm sure the AC know what she is like - it won't be news to them. I know this is annoying, but you have to "grin and bear it" I'm afraid. Some people just have to take centre stage and demand attention - most of us just smile and let them get on with it.

Will she be like this with the grandchild ? Probably. Will your grandchild prefer her because of it ? Probably not. Children just love their families, no matter who does what. All I can say is, just enjoy your time with the grandchild and don't compare yourself to this woman.

Maggiemaybe Fri 05-Jul-19 11:33:30

She sounds slightly bonkers, Dontaskme, and I’m sure your AC and partner will already be laughing at her antics. Be the better person and don’t engage. And congratulations on your new grandchild!

Norah Fri 05-Jul-19 11:36:36

Disregard her antics.

Septimia Fri 05-Jul-19 11:36:52

Don't even try to compete. AC probably do know what she's like and GC will grow up to understand. I had an aunt who always had to be the centre of attention. I didn't understand when I was a child but I soon noticed as I got older!

I'm sure you have skills and interests that the GP doesn't. Play on your strengths, especially with the GC and building a relationship. Do things with him/her that the other GP can't do or, if they're similar things, do them differently.

BBbevan Fri 05-Jul-19 11:41:20

Just let it wash all over you Dontaskme She s obviously needy, so don't feed that need. Others will feel the same about her so don't worry. Things will sort themselves out I their own time

Sara65 Fri 05-Jul-19 11:47:42

She just sounds absolutely ridiculous to me, just rise above it.

Nansnet Fri 05-Jul-19 11:53:08

Oh dear! I can totally relate to that. I always had a very good relationship with my DiL's parents, until our GC came along.
My DiL's mother can be very bossy, pushy, manipulative, intimidating, and always likes to get her own way! I, on the other hand, tend to be very laid back and easy going ... until someone pushes the wrong button!

Whilst we are still on friendly terms, for the sake of our respective son and daughter, things will never be quite the same as they were before GC. There's the odd occasion that she has deeply upset me, and a couple of times I felt I had to make it known, although she simply twists things and makes it sound that I'm the one at fault. I've decided it's not worth the hassle, or the worry, and now I tend to take a step back whenever she's around, and let her get on and do her own thing, however much it grates on me! My son, and DiL, are both aware of what she can be like, so I simply keep my mouth zipped now and let her get on with it! When she's not around, I cherish the special times I get with my GC, having lots of love and cuddles, and I hope that she'll grow up knowing how much she's loved by hubby and I. I actually feel like a great weight has been lifted of my shoulders, now I've taken that step back!

So, my advice to you would be the same as Stella1949, and that's to grin and bear it. It really isn't worth causing any upset over. Yes, you will probably be upset yourself on occasion, and even angry, but try to put a smile on your face and rise above it. Bite your tongue, and always be polite. Your son and DiL will see what a great GM you are, and your GC will love you for who you are. Don't let the other one spoil it for you!

luluaugust Fri 05-Jul-19 13:34:12

As you say you don't see her very often make the most of your time with your GC and ignore her without being rude to her face. I expect family gatherings will be a bit of a trial but try and go with the flow. Have fun.

sodapop Fri 05-Jul-19 15:37:19

This woman is making herself look ridiculous Dontaskme rise above her game playing and don't retaliate ( you can always stick pins in a wax effigy )
I'm sure the family are well aware of what she is like, be the better person, a good role model for your new grandchild.

Dontaskme Fri 05-Jul-19 18:40:35

Thank you everyone - some good advice smile. Its true, for there to be a competition there does have to be more than one entrant and as I'm not getting involved that's an end to it.
The woman is a complete arse shock. Just a shame she'll be related to my GC!

Smile and wave, smile and wave smile

SirChenjin Fri 05-Jul-19 19:25:26

She sounds utterly unhinged grin As others have said, don’t give her the satisfaction of a competition - by not reacting you’ll take the wind out of her sails. Just respond with lots of great! or indeed! or thanks! type comments and quietly go about your business of getting to know your new GC smile

crazyH Fri 05-Jul-19 19:51:44

Yes, good advice here. Don't rise to it. Funny, in my case it was my s.i.ls parents who took the lead in everything. I was just there in the background. Choosing nurseries, schools etc. My daughter valued their advice more than mine. It was probably because her f.i.l. was a headteacher. I have had so many knock-backs in my life, I let everything go over my head now.

agnurse Fri 05-Jul-19 20:59:49

I'd suggest just ignoring it.

I'm greatly saddened that some people believe grandparenting is a competition. I always stand by the fact that what someone chooses to do with another person is none of your business.

NotSpaghetti Sat 06-Jul-19 08:24:53

When the baby is born, I suggest you pay lots of attention to your son’s partner. I expect her mother will be fixated on the baby and the mum will miss out. It will show you care for them as a family, and will bring you closer to them all. Often it’s the women in families who set the tone of relationships so doing this will be good for all of you.
My son’s girlfriend was sidelined once the baby came and told me later how much she appreciated my concern and support. I did much much less than the other, very involved, grandmother, but was sure to remind the mum what a good job she was doing, how hard being a mum can be, reinforcing her confidence if I could. Her mother was overbearing and would take the baby off her if he cried etc so I think this gave me a quiet role as part of the family.
There will always be something positive you can do.
All the best!

Iam64 Sat 06-Jul-19 08:35:22

Mountain out of molehill time again. What is the matter when adult women can't just enjoy life rather than ruminating constantly about 'the other gran/mother in law'.

BlueBelle Sat 06-Jul-19 08:42:30

Totally agree Ian64 just do what you want to do and forget the rest
To be honest why leave a note saying the dog had enjoyed seeing you, that just gives her insecure personality the bait it needed
Drop out of the competition a fire needs oxygen to keep it alight

Shropshirelass Sat 06-Jul-19 08:50:52

Sounds to me as though the other GP is insecure and needs everyone to think she is the best. Her problem not yours. Try not to rise to it, you are better than that. My sister is a bit like this, very odd! Enjoy your grandchild.

Madgran77 Sat 06-Jul-19 08:51:54

Iam64 I dont think the OP is making a mountain our of a mole hill. She is expressing irritation at silly behaviour in an appropriate forum , explained that she is already estranged from another family so doesn't know her grandchild and feels jnsecure and is letting off a it of steam! That is all!!

Goodbyetoallthat Sat 06-Jul-19 09:00:31

Good advice from NotSpaghetti. Just enjoy the time spent with your GC. A discreet eye roll or quiet smile wouldn't go amiss in these circumstances.
flowers for you CrazyH.

grandtanteJE65 Sat 06-Jul-19 10:00:35

How well do you get on with the mother of your coming grandchild? If you get on well with her, perhaps you could say that you feel her mother views you as a competitor which you have no intention of being.

Children can't get too much love and both of you potential grandmothers are ready to love the little one.

At lot of mothers seem to feel that their daughters' children are "theirs by right" and that a son's mother cannot love a grandchild in the same way. Utter rubbish, but this seems to be how this woman feels.

On second thoughts perhaps better to say nothing unless you son or his partner refer to the matter.

Davida1968 Sat 06-Jul-19 10:04:52

Wise words, ginny! (And others). Just don't compete. I think NotSpagehetti has it spot on - be the supportive loving (and non-competitive!) granny to all the family.