Help with MIL

I think I'd be a bit annoyed with them - you didn't "invite" them to be patronised, I'd have thought they came to see both grandchildren and to some extent got carried away.
My MiL went silly when my son was born - he was 3 days old when she saw him (he was 2 weeks early and they were away on holiday at the time) and she turned up with several outfits (unfortunately not my taste) , every day I was in hospital, a flower arrangement would arrive as well as more gifts. But when I went home, I was very much left to my own devices!
It is unkind of them to treat your home like a free hotel - especially as you have a tiny baby to care for as well- they could at least clear up after themselves and get themselves (and you) some lunch or even prep, if not cook a meal at least once during their stay.
It is really up to your husband to have a word with them - they will no doubt be upset and watch out for the flack!
As far as the birthday cake - let it go - your son will not remember it! Once they leave, make another cake and invite friends round to celebrate. Future birthdays tell them you will be away on the day and they can visit later and maybe your husband could suggest that you both love that they bring presents but could they set up an account at an eco company of their choice for you to get things as needed as it would be a shame for the items not to be worn as he may grow out of them ?

Nmmaikra, if I were you I'd post this on mumsnet.
Although ideally your DH should deal with the situation but if he won't then you must. This woman is showing no respect to you or your children. You need to be more assertive otherwise she will continue to treat you like this for years to come.

Goodness me you have your hands full!! Two babies in just over a year and resident in-laws albeit for only 10 days. I couldn't have coped with that AT ALL. My MIL turned up whilst I was still in hospital with our first child and visited every day with my husband (we were kept in for up to 10 days then!). I burst into tears one day as I had yet to see my husband on his own since the baby was born. The midwife threw her out!!! She had left before we came home. The relationship survived although she blatantly favoured our daughter over our son. I think you are right to set boundaries even for this short time and hope it pays dividends for any future visits. However it is a drain on your reserves. I feel for you in this situation.

We all know that the sons mother is damned if they do and damned if they don’t! That said, these in laws sound as if they are not at all diplomatic! Sadly there is not always a correlation between age and wisdom!

If I were the poster - I would take control and manage the in-laws. Kill ‘em with kindness! Accept the gifts ..... if you dont like the things - Sell them on eBay when they are gone. A cake? Not worth the fuss. Why not make it together? Ask her to show you how to make it. Play the game ....... we all have to sometimes.
If they are well off they can help give your children things you would like them to have. You will have to be the grown up here! You can do it! X

I'm with CrazyH on this one. Whilst you may justly feel undermined these gifts sound wonderful - good quality and environmentally sound. Try to appreciate them on that level, after all it means that you will not need to buy as many plastic items to add to the world's pollution problem and leather shoes are better for your son's feet as they "breathe".
Wouldn't it be worse if they bought you rubbish that you couldn't make use of?
Please don't think that I am unsympathetic but I would advise making the best of the situation and putting bitter feelings aside as these will only lead to damaged relationships.

I didn't ever understand my mother in law until I became one and then sadly it was too late to appreciate her. We can only try our best and sadly sometimes get it wrong.

Well, what an interesting selection of replies here... some actually made my jaw drop!

Nmmaikra, this is your home and these are your children and your MIL is out of order with the way she is behaving. I appreciate that they want to spend time with the children, as they live so far away, but your MIL knows exactly what she is doing. She is not misguided, she is being controlling, manipulative and deliberately making you feel worthless. This woman obviously has issues. Would it help if your own mother talked to her?

Your husband needs to step up here - he should be on your side first and foremost and needs to grow up - he must talk with his parents and be firm about what is acceptable while they are visiting. Do not be afraid to make this clear to your hubby. Do not accept any lame "I'm in the middle" excuses - yes, they are his parents, but they have no say over how you bring up your own children. That is for the two of you to decide.

Your in-laws can clearly afford to stay in a hotel in future, so no more simply accepting them into your home. You need space and privacy yourselves and it will be easier for you to maintain a routine you are happy with this way. Put your foot down about this. You are the one left dealing with them while your husband is at work and you have two very young children who are your priority.

As for the gifts, accept them with good grace and then dispose of them/ keep them as you wish, when they have gone. If looking at them makes you angry, just donate them to a worthy cause - mind you, quality clothes and shoes will always come in useful and your little ones will soon grow out of them - it is your choice.

Now for the cake! What a cow! How can this be a "tradition" when she has only son this for her own child? What she means is that she wants it to become a tradition. Again, this is your home and you will make your own traditions. It is completely unacceptable to impose upon you in this way - had she talked to you about this beforehand, you would have had a chance to come up with some sort of compromise, or decline with good grace. Your son is only little, so will not remember, but you are clearly very hurt by this. If I were you, I would have another celebration when they have gone, without interference, and you can make it special just for the four of you. Your son won't know which was his "real" birthday anyway.

I know it can be hard at your young age, with two tiny children to be as assertive as you need to be here - this will come with age and experience. You are right to feel injured by your MIL's behaviour and although you may have been more accommodating to her in the past, you are having the normal feelings of a mother who knows what she wants for her own children. This is the start of settling into your role as mother/protector of your children and is to be applauded.

Sorry for the long ramble, honey. You are justified in feeling the way you do now. Do not feel guilty about this. It is important that things change in the future however, so stick to your guns or your in-laws will carry on in this way for ever. Be firm...be consistent. Quite honestly, if your husband cannot see that this is a big problem, is he even right for you?

I hope you can make some progress here and reach a positive outcome. Good luck! Xx

What does Ofc stand for please?

Is your husband standing up to her in front of you? My MIL was very patronizing, stuck up and disappointed at her beloved son's choice of wife. But he would always just say, "don't say anything or she'll get upset". So she went on to gradually destroy our marriage. If he's not sticking up for you, then you must let her know in no uncertain terms how her behaviour is unacceptable. Good luck and Happy Birthday to your little one.

By the time you have read through all this gobbledygook, the ten days will be up. Grin and bear it on this occasion, then sift out the sensible suggestions for changes for next time some useful ones have been made, but it will take some sifting out as well from all the rubbish on here). The babies will recover, but try and be the bigger person and not harbour a dislike of your in laws. You could carry on believing they are the only ones being selfish, despising everything they provide for the grandchildren, and resenting your husband for going out to work, but that just furthers a blame culture. Aim to make some plans for the future, together with your husband, that include them as welcome grandparents, albeit with some changes. Obviously you do not wish to ruin the relationship between them and your little family, so think positively.

Jenpax of course I think it means.

It's understandable that you feel the way you do but it is only for 10 days so look forward to the day they're leaving and you'll be left in peace.

They are your children and it's up to you to set boundaries, you did so last night which shows you can do so and that when you do, your wishes are treated with the respect they deserve.

IMO your posts are over the top Goodmama and could cause more problems rather than help to deal with the ones that are already there.

The OP's m.i.l. is not a terrible woman who needs to be baby sat by her own son. She's over enthusiastic and yes, insensitive to her d.i.l's. feelings no doubt due to the fact that they live abroad and don't get to see the GC that often.

"His mother may well come between you for a while"; really!! The OP's to tell her H never to leave her alone with his mother!! And if that's not bad enough, if things don't change they could end up getting divorced or going no contact with the OP's m.i.l.

This is some of your advice to the OP who despite her frustration is looking for ways to manage her relationship with her m.i.l.; not destroy it and potentially destroy her marriage as well.

So, they see their grandchildren for 10 days a year?

Indulge them.

I know exactly how you feel . I lived abroad and my in laws used to come and stay for 3 months . She would say cuddling my children would spoil them . Open up the house a let in all the heat , rather than keep i shut down to keep it cool . Then complain she was to hot . Complain about the food and was given but never went to the super market , to do a shop or even cook a meal . In the end we had to say if you don't like the way we live our life , maybe you should stay some where else when you visit . My children now grown up tolerate there grandparents but have little respect for there views .

For future visits perhaps your husband can take a little bit of his annual leave, to take the stress out of it for you and spend more time with his parents. I wouldn't worry too much about the birthday cake as children so young don't even understand what a birthday is about. You can always have another cake that you have made after they have gone with another celebration with friends. If their future visits each year are going to coincide with your children's birthdays then I would be firm and tell MiL that you are starting your own family birthday traditions and you want your children to remember them in your own way. If she always did this for her son's childhood birthdays then she should understand that is your prerogative to do things the way you and your husband want for yours. I would bite my tongue regarding the comments she makes and the lectures she gives and just accept the gifts with good grace, it's not worth causing friction over it and they will soon be going home.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GoodMama get a grip. Your attitude in unhelpful.

Wow! I have read every single one of these posts and I would suggest you listen to brownflopsy. Sounds like some of these grans - mothers of sons? - think ‘suck it up’ is what their DILs should do. I’m mother of a son and I feel left out when compared with her mother’s involvement. Perhaps that’s how your MIL feels and she is going OTT to ensure involvement in her GCs’ lives. Having said that, she is certainly going about it the wrong way.

She's only here for a few days. Yes, it's always annoying to have someone living in our house, but I think you're being oversensitive here. She's a mother and a grandmother and just thinks she's done it all before and knows best. She doesn't. Things change. I see you made a cake as well? That's good. Grit your teeth. She'll be gone soon.

Oh Nmmaikra I totally, totally get where you are coming from. (Even though I hate plastic toys, and wetwipes, with a vengeance!)

You've got your least favourite people staying in your house, they clearly have NO idea how to be useful grandparents, you have two tiny children they are NOT helping with, and it's a heatwave.

You are NBU to feel irritated beyond belief.

Make yourself a chart on a piece of paper tonight divided into squares, one square for each hour to go before they leave. Cross each one off as it passes. Or get one of those countdown apps on your phone and sneakily take a peek at it whenever you feel extra irritated. THEY WILL SOON BE GONE! and you will have your lovely little ones all to yourself again.

My children are all grown up now and I still find my MIL deeply annoying because of so many memories of her trying to impose her views, lifestyle etc on them; all the light-hearted "comments" which I could not but feel were a criticism of me somehow. But looking back, you know what? she didn't mean any harm, and she certainly didn't do any harm because I didn't LET her. I just carried on doing things my way.

Your in-laws are just the most interfering so-and-sos I've ever heard of, trying to re-write your rules for heaven's sake. Bringing their own bedsheets? What's that all about?

The worst thing about them is their inability to respect your role and your parenting rules - especially about skipping naps. You are 100% right. This is very irresponsible of them. I'm a baby and child sleep consultant and we see this a lot.

Tell them that your toddler MUST be allowed to have naps when YOU say so because otherwise his cortisol levels rise as he tries to fight sleep, and he will be difficult to put to bed. Point out that on the days they kept him awake he had bad nights. Say "this is how WE are parenting our child" (Are they American? Americans love using words like "parent" as verbs. Americans are also the world leaders in single-use plastic by the way)

Don't divorce over a 10 day stay. It's not much time in the year for your DH to see his own parents, really, is it? Just take a deep breath and count the hours.

I really feel for you.
Thank the Lord for my lovely DiLs who thought I was the best thing since sliced bread& my DH was very lucky to have me!
Always happy to look after the children for us & never ever interfered. I thought then & I know now how very lucky I was to have them.
I totally model myself on my MiL now I have 2 Dils of my own & we have never had even the slightest disagreement- I look on it that they are the mums now & their word is law!

I speak as a father, gd and ggd. It is up to your husband to put his parent's in their place and support you in your role as his spouse and mother of his child. He may think it is a fuss over little, but it is not and the least you deserve is his understanding and action. Best of luck.

Your in-laws need to understand they are not the parents of your child.

If you don’t want the things, donate them.

If you don’t want her making the cake, you need to tell her that.

You are in control of your house, and you are not your mother-in-law’s child. Her traditions aren’t yours.

When somebody stays in your house, they need to respect the rules of your house.

With regards to the cake, I love cake. I’d let her make it, but only AFTER the birthday. It can be eaten later. No candle.

I’m not surprised at all of the people telling you that you need to bow down and be subservient to your mother-in-law. It’s a definite class of the generations, but you are not out, and you don’t need to lower yourself. There is compromise to be had, but compromise needs to come from both ends. Not just yours.

If I were a betting woman, Id bet that your in-laws staying with you for a month was already a compromise on your part that they will never see it because they do not need to know the inner workings of your marriage and your internal compromises

get a grip - dont forget you have it all! perhaps you have a bit of PN depression. Really let them enjoy their grandchild for ten days. Be gracious it will come back to you. They are being a bit disrespectful...but you need a kick up your bum - tell them that although you can see that they know a lot more than you they are making you feel inadequate--and that's not a good feeling. With people who think they know it all that will calmly put them in their place. Nobody knows it all...they know they have this small window of inflence ...you could let them. Really you have it all. Be superior. Don't even involve your husband. Its bootstrap time to grow into your position. You can do it.

You have two issues here I htink.
Accept the gifts, they all sound really lovely in fact, but
do not allow the MIL to take over.
She is not his mum you are.
I don't think you should grit your teeth on this at all.
Stand firm you are the mum. As you said she has had her turn now it is yours.
When the children are older you can let her spend more time with them but not now.
Do not let yourself be bullied just because they are well off. It is irrelevant to the real issue which is her taking over your place. You are mum.

I don't know why your DH is not supporting you?
Welcome the gifts but do not let her take over.