Help with MIL

I can't see any posts encouraging hostility.
However I think universally it is agreed that a new mum and a mum with a new born deserve support and respect. It is not the time to cater to grandparents.
Grandparents should know better than to take control.

Hetty58 you point the finger at parents but what about the older and wiser grandparents behaving harmoniously?

The OP is here because she is stressed. We don't have to know both sides to know that she needs support and as having two very small humans to love and take care of I think she is the priority.

Pinkquartz, I disagree. Let's take another look at the original post and the list of 'crimes' the in-laws are accused of:

'being home with them 24/7, as my husband works during the day' - why not choose to go out, with or without them - and do different, interesting things?

Their comments and gifts (quality of) - choose to ignore comments and accept gifts (no need to use them though) - surely not a problem.

MIL doesn't respect decisions for child (takes over) - now that one does require polite assertiveness and a little discussion - but obviously the OP has chickened out. MIL can't do these things without being allowed to.

Birthday cake - really? Does it really matter if there's an extra cake - it's only a cake - how petty!

I think the OP is perhaps a little spoilt and having trouble adapting and being a good host. She only has two small children to look after. It's hardly rocket science. If she can't cope now how on Earth will she manage when they're teenagers?

Hetty58 yes we do disagree.....
The baby is new and the older child is coming up to just 1 year old.
That is a lot for a young mum to handle. She can't be very confident or she would have asserted herself already.

I agree that she is making too much about the presents though. I would let that go.
Ditto the cake.
But I don't think she is spoilt I think she is low in mood perhaps a PND and I cannot understand why all these older women are so down on her
I just don't get that.
Have you forgotten those early days? I was surprisingly ok, but I have listened to my mother telling her story and she was so scared. Becoming a mum is a big deal and perhaps the OP need more time to get her confidence and then her MIL being so controlling is just wrong.
I really didn't like your comment about two kids not being rocket science and how will she cope when they are teenagers?
You grow into it is the answer and maybe two young kids is overwhelming at first.
I won't say anymore except that I can't believe how unsympathetic you and many other Grans are.
If the OP gets her confidence then she can have a great relationship with MIL. And that is what I wish for her.
But she is at that stage yet.
Why are you so down on her?

Hetty in what way is the op spoiled.
She has a month old baby, she shouldn't be in the position of hosting.
They are treating her badly.
What kind of person stays at the house of a mother with a month old and expects them to clean up after them?
You think the op is spoiled because she isn't glad to run around after them because they are her elders.

pinkquartz and Oswin, yes, I was a little harsh, maybe to counteract all the messages of (unhelpful, I feel) validating 'support'. Yes, I do remember quite clearly feeling upset as a new mum, especially with the first, changing hormones, exhaustion etc. but there was no time to dwell on feelings, just notice them and a focus on looking after the kids.

She is feeling sorry for herself and obsessing about how she feels rather than taking practical steps to improve the situation.

She has the time and energy to write a long and detailed post on here when she could, instead, just ignore the minor stuff and have a little chat with MIL about needing to follow her own routine.

Oswin, she doesn't have to clean up and run around after them, she chooses to. She could decide to leave it all and get her husband to do it later instead. Maybe they'd take the hint before then.

Pinkquartz, I appear unsympathetic because sympathy just doesn't help. She can change her attitude and decide to weather the storm for the few remaining days. The initial effort to be relaxed, friendly and easygoing is well worth the rewards.

Your husband needs to step up to the plate on this one. Its not fair of him to be at work when his parents are visiting from such a long way. They need to see him as well, so next time he takes the time off. It is also up to him to have a word with them as well about boundaries. The birthday cake should have been baked by you as its your child. If there is a next time they come over visiting suggest he tell them to stay in a hotel nearby. He can make all sorts of reasons for this, such as he can visit them and have time with them or that the house just doesn't have the room at this stage, its more comfortable for them etc. etc. It is up to him. You have your hands well and truly full with two young children especially with a newborn. The old saying that "fish and guests go off after three days" is so true. A bit much. Good luck. Bunker down for the last few days and phew!!

OP, your ILs sound like a horror to me, especially MIL! She makes my difficult MIL of years ago look like a gentle dove! And you're expected to spend 10 days w/ her twice a year? Whoa! You have my sympathies.

'I feel like she is having a hard time letting go of the mother role and transitioning into grandmother."

I agree. And I would understand that except that she doesn't even seem to be trying. That's why, for example, I wouldn't use her cake (might put it in the freezer for another day). Two cakes are all right, IMO, but not if MIL is competing w/ mum, which clearly, your MIL is.

As for the gifts, I don't get the impression you mind them so much as the bragging and criticism that comes w/ them. I agree w/ PPs (previous posters) that you should accept the gifts graciously. But call a halt to the unnecessary comments about "ingredients." Let them know you and your kids aren't interested in that.

Overall, I agree w/ PPs who say you need to set boundaries. First, IMO, you need to decide in your own mind what limits you wish to set. Then talk it over w/ DH, you may find you have to make some compromises w/ him, but don't agree to anything that makes you unhappy. Finally, you two will have to present your boundaries to your ILs.

Will they have some limits of their own that they want to assert? Perhaps. But they are in YOUR home interacting w/ You and YOUR children, so you two get the final say.

You haven't said yet if it would be possible for them to stay in a hotel or a B & B. Since they seem to be well off, I don't see why not. In fact, that may have to be one of your boundaries - Yes, they can come and stay 10 days, but it has to be in a B & B, and they can only come over every other day or for X number of hours each day, etc. (you and DH may have to do some negotiating w/ each other on that one). Make other appointments if you have to, so that you and the kids simply won't be there at certain times, etc. Be kind and gracious, but be firm.

Good luck! And please let us know how things pan out.

I hate it when people say "It's Dhs aprents so he needs to say something"

You're the one who's upset so just tell her! Get rid of ehr cake and make your own. Also seeing as they're so well off, why can;t they stay in a hotel?