Help with MIL

Nmmaikra.......I’ve just skim read the replies as I wanted to address the op first, so forgive me if I’m repeating others adcice!
Cakes, I fell into this dilemma as a gran, and now think it’s best to let both grans make a cake saying you will be starting your own tradition now too! So what if there are 3 cakes!! If you show you dont mind they will follow and no doubt give up on the idea over time!
Make it into a joke (look how lucky my son is to have such a doting family etc.!)
Gmums:
Clearly your mum is showing as many signs of ‘owning’ her rights as a GP as your mil, or she wouldn’t have assumed she would be THE cake maker and burst into tears (a bit competitive imo)!!
So don’t be too selective in your observations of who is feeling entitled and who isn’t

Shoes etc., accept gracefully saying (truthfully) it doesn’t bother you too much what his clothes etc. Are made from, but if they’re happy to carry on buying for him your happy too, BUT could they ring beforehand and you will give them a list to choose from of things he needs - that way you are in control and they get the pleasure of giving.

Them hovering and getting in the way:
How do you feel about them babysitting whilst you take the youngest out for a walk? Or they take the eldest to the park and give you a break for a while?
Don’t forget to explain nicely how tired you have been and how hard it is to find time to cook for yourselves let alone guests! Maybe they will take the hint and cook if you repeat the story often enough

My extended family turned my home into their unofficial go to holiday destination because we were by the sea! So every year we were inundated with hoards of people wanting to see the kids and have a freeby!!!
I wish I’d had someone to give me this advice then!
good luck!

Namsnanny, thanks for the advice.
I think you have misread about the cake. I called my mom in tears because I wanted to bake his first cake. My mom had no intentions of making his cake but did help me decorate and cook the food for the party. Of which my MIL did not help with anything, other than making a cake.

We too live close to the ocean so we get plenty of guests. To the people saying it's 10 days, suck it up... What they do not understand is it's 1.5-2weeks of them living in my home 24/7. Producing laundry, and a general mess around the house because they feel as I'm their maid or they are on vacation idk. Either way it equals about 2 weeks every 6 months and it doesn't just improve on its own.

Producing laundry, and a general mess around the house because they feel as I'm their maid
Goodness! They do need to sort their own laundry (and could help you by doing yours at the same time).
Do Not Wait on Them!!

Show them how to use the washing machine (DD has instructed me on how to use hers).
Show them how your cooker works and suggest they cook a couple of their favourite recipes for you all for dinner - it would be much appreciated.

Two weeks every six months means that ground rules have to be set, nicely but firmly.

Are you in America GoodMama which could explain some of your advice?

I don't think that we have so many people in therapy in the UK.

GoodMama, you wrote:

'-Routines are important and critical for little ones. Everyone who raised a child or works in childcare knows this.'

Really? How many kids have you raised? I'd say instead

'Routines are important for the convenience of parents and childcare workers - not kids. Some kids get into a set pattern, others don't'

What makes you such an expert - do tell, I'm intriged! It seems to me that you're changing a situation that's easily resolved with some patience and understanding into a mega-drama of massive proportions!

Routines are fine most of the time for the convenience of parents - remember the advice to strictly adhere to four hourly feeds for babies? Plus naps at specified times?

Many new mums used to stick to this advice with baby number one, then perhaps another baby arrived and had to fit in somewhat with the needs of toddler number one, and baby number three etc - well, whatever as long as they were fed, comfortable and happy!! And a busy but relaxed mum was the best thing for all.

Callistemon, agreed - and baby number four would be carried in a sling and fed then changed on demand or when possible. Baby four was the happiest by far!

Routines have made a comeback recently as a coping method for working mothers. They just don't work well for colicky or autistic babies when flexibility and tuning in to their needs (if possible) is far more appropriate.

Nmmaikra…..Yes your right I did misread the cake situation, so sorry, I hope I didn't upset you at all?

No I guess it doesn't improve 'on its own'.
But I don't see why you have to do their washing etc.?
Leave it for them to decide what to do about it.

They'll get the message sooner or later and if they don't perhaps your husband could explain it to them?

Sorry again for the confusion

Goodmama???? Just what??????

I haven't read all the posts here, so forgive me if I miss something.

It's ten days. Long, I know, but not too long. Accept their gifts with a good heart. (You can either use them or not.)

No way would I do guests' washing! Don't! They either do it themselves or take home their dirty washing!

It feels, to me, that the moment they arrive, you are stepping back. Don't! This is your home, your children. They should be fitting in with you - not the other way around. You must be strong about this! The children go to bed when you say. They eat what you say they should. You are the mother and mistress of your home. They are the guests!

You shouldn't have let your MIL make your son's birthday cake! Don't let it happen again!

(Sorry to nag!)

This appears to be a battle - but a battle you must win! And you will, if you become more assertive and sure of yourself. And you must win it with a good heart and cheerfulness. (You don't want to cause upset in the family.)

Good luck!

Wow stick them in a nearby hotel and tell them the truth. You want to make your own memories with your own children. Get your husband to talk to them.

If that was your mother, how would you handle this situation?

Having so recently given birth your hormones are probably all over the place and making you particularly protective of your small children. It’s sad that your in-laws haven’t thought about this. Definitely a quiet chat with your husband tonight so that he can support you over the last few days of his parents’ visit and maybe make some happier memories... all the best

I had a mother in law like this . Was told our baby looked like her son n not me lol used to bring him dinners, My son was favoured more as he was a boy obviously, my daughter wasn’t taken much notice of it hurt me so much. I was very young at the time, her son my husband didn’t put a stop to her unkind remarks told me to just ignore, after few years of putting up with it I left . Have a fantastic husband now who supports me as I do him, I’m not implying drastic measures like I took. But there are some disrespectful ppl out there. And these needs nipping in the bud. No way should you ever feel upset in your own home this is where it can start. Unless you have been through it you will find it hard to understand.they need to be put firmly in their place. They are in your home. Your children. Luckily your children are very young so won’t pick up on it. But they will as they get older. Good luck love

Oh for goodness sake-this young woman doesnt need a lecture on what wipes are made of or how plastic stuff is bad for environment! Or how 'bad' non- leather shoes are-Im sure lots of kids grow up wearing less expensive shoes and are quite fine!(youre as bad as her MIL Calistemon-she needs advice on how to deal with these overbearing people,who in my opinion,should be paying to stay somewhere else when they visit,as they are well off! Youre husband needs to tell them this,as they are his parents.You need the room anyway you've got a growing family,theres no room for extra visitors who stay so long.

When I have people staying I put up the typed meal plan for the duration of the stay on the kitchen wall. This includes the timings and menu for an uncooked breakfast, lunch, tea and cocktails/aperative before the cooked evening meal. I make sure I only cook once a day and if possible in a slow cooker or in the oven then I do not have to pay much attention to the food. I expect guests to lay the table and to help clear. I have a dish washer.

In your case I would have a set of brochures from take always who will deliver. Then your visitors could always order a meal for the whole family if they wished to substitute a preferred meal.

As your son grows up he will have friends to his birthday. I would let your inlaws have a family birthday with you and then hold his birthday with his friends after they have left.

I would be angry about the shoes. I don't care whether they are leather or not, they needed to be FITTED properly. I say this as the mother of 2 boys with narrow feet and most shoes were too wide for them. Properly fitted shoes are vital.
Ask her to take them back and not do it again.
Drop the cake accidentally!!!!

GoodMama
You’re essays are absolute crap.
HTH.

Oh, it’s not for long and she loves him. I bet if your own mum made all those suggestions you would be okay with it - actually she sounds sensible, baby wipes are a nightmare for the environment, tell her you agree that organic is best but can’t afford it, ditto plastic toys and leather shoes. In fact she sounds very sensible and aware.
With the birthday cake - you shouldn’t have cried to your mum, you should have told her straight just as you said to us- no, you did the first cake for your son, I want to do it for mine - easy.
It’s only a short time - she lives her grandson, let her indulge and make sure that you communicate when offended.

*Your

Just nicely let them know the boundaries it's only 10 days I'm sure you could ride it outsell ,tell them you need to bring your child up the way you want to,as for the birthday ? let your little boy have both cakes

I can remember having in laws who upset me when the children were little. Its a sensitive time for everyone. My advice would be, don’t let this get to you. They will be gone soon and you will go back to how things were, and the children will be no worse off for their interventions. Next time they come, insist that your husband is also at home more with them if at all possible...they’re not your parents after all. Try not to focus on every little thing they say or do. Ask your husband for more support in future, when they undermine you, but think carefully about making big changes on the basis of what has occurred. Do you really want your marriage to finish because of parents in law that live a long way off, This too shall pass....

I would have thanked her profusely for the birthday cake and immediately put it in the freezer to 'save' until HER sons birthday!
I would then have baked MY sons first birthday cake.
I would keep the shoes and toys, you can throw them away after they've gone if you really don't want them.
I think you should have a conversation with her about money - tell her if they really want to help then they could set up a savings account for your boys which you can withdraw from when they need anything. This is what I have done for all my GC.
The sheets issue made me laugh - I have been known to take my own pillow when I used to go and stay with my son and (now ex)DIL. It was a standing joke between us but my reasoning was that I am a very poor sleeper and it really does make a difference to me.
I do hope you cope ok for the rest of their visit. I honestly think you may be a bit oversensitive so soon after giving birth. Hopefully you'll be able to laugh about it all after they've gone home. Your a great Mum, you are doing a great job so hold your head high and don't let it upset you.

They gave you cashmere clothes for an infant? If so, let the child wear it and get it dirty then ask her to wash it, you don't have the time.
If she won't, put it in the washer and if it hasn't shrunk to Barbie size, either tumble dry it or give it a good manual scrubbing - it obviously needs the extra cleaning! Do they have servants at their home?
Don't let them walk all over you. If your children cry, take them to your bedroom and close the door. Your husband needs to tell them what the boundaries are.
My daughter only got clothes that could go in the washing machine and tumble dryer. Her terry nappies also went through the tumble dryer to soften them up if dried on the washing line, my Mil (horrible woman) ironed them all when I was out shopping so they were like boards.

I feel for you but it will soon be over. Just make sure that they don't come over for any more of your children's birthdays, Christmas etc: 'arrange' to be going to your parents, and say that you are going vegan so leather and wool aren't acceptable.

At one your son wont remember his birthday cake however make yours the main one and the one in your photos and have the other one at the side. (Or as others have suggested drop it, or mess it up and start yelling from the kitchen that next doors (imaginary) cat has got in and eaten it.

As you are the one with them all day then I think it's you who has to make things change for their next visit. Your husband having had a word with them probably wont make any difference to how they behave when they are alone with you. When they've gone home why not see if you can find an on line assertiveness course?