Help with MIL

There seems to be a desire from some to cause a rift in this family, to come between the OP and her m.i.l. and even more worrying between the OP's H and his mother.
Yes, I think some of the advice is quite provocative Smileless and I wonder why.

I think I know why Callistemon.

I often read comments suggesting that husbands or partner need to speak to their mothers. I have 3 dil and 1 sil and I’m very lucky that I have a pretty good relationship with all of them. I’ve at various times looked after all 9 of my grandchildren. I would really like to think that if any of my in-laws has a problem they would speak to me direct. Why would my sons or daughter have to do it. I would never dream of saying to my sons or daughter you’ll have to have a word with your wife or husband. Why doesn’t op speak to her mil and explain how she feels

I could always chat to my MIL whereas DH and his mum used to clash!

Summerstorm perhaps it has been suggested (I suggested it too) because the OP, with a very new baby, seems unable to be assertive when faced with PIL who seem to have 'taken over' somewhat (even if unintentionally). Someone once said to me that when her PIL came to stay, it turned into 'their house' for the couple of months that they were there. She just let them carry on, but they were helpful and did lots of household tasks!

Some husbands do tend to keep out of the way and let their wives deal with any controversial family relationships but they do need to present a united front and she sounds as if she needs his support at this particular time.

This really made me think.... I had what Ithought was an interfering mother in law and she lived round the corner not in another country, to be fair she wasn't really in y our face but even so annoyed me every time she came round, however , once she was gone I often reflected on how I had acted to her, the thing is you both love the same person, her son,your husband!WhenI became a daughter in law/Grannie I became more able to see her side of things, too late really.
One other comment, quite often when visiting my son and daughter in lawI take my own bedding just so it doesn't make more wrk for her, don't think it offended but now I wonder ??

I have read your post bout your MIL. I think she’s probably so happy to visit you and to see her grandchildren. It’s difficult as you are a young mum but to be honest in her own way it sounds very much like she’s trying her best to support you. I really think you should try that little bit harder to be more relaxed you are actually fortunate to have a MIL. I lost mine and she was a lovely woman. Try to not get upset she’s only there for a mere 10 days and she has travelled to see you. Who knows one day you may get on with her. I hope so.

The OP has a one year old and a new born ( which I think some people have missed) and she is expected to run around after her In-laws.
They should at least clear up after themselves and do some chores whilst you take a rest now and then.

Yikes - start as you mean to go on. No way should you have a second celebration with your cake - he's your son/your rules/your cake etc etc. Difficult situation but it will only get worse if you don't nip it in the bud. It is difficult when becoming a gran to want to re-live all those precious memories, but you really have to somehow, someway put a stop to this. Good Luck!

I don't think that standing firm against a controlling MIL is causing a family split.
I had no controlling input from either my DM or MIL.
We all just got on. They were happy to be granny and let me ask for help when I needed to.
Yet my usual relationship with my DM was great so I guess I was very lucky.
I think it might be a cultural and a generational clash here.

It is not a new mum's role to be family peacemaker by subsuming herself to please her elders. They are not her betters.
If she sucks it up for 10 days then it will be repeated......better to nip it in the bud.

There is no desire from me to cause a rift in a family........there is a desire to see honest and respectful relationships develop in place of passive aggressive and dishonest ones.

It’s 10 days - seems a lifetime, but it’s TEN DAYS. Then they’re gone. Pick your fights, don’t disrupt your relationship with your husband, they are his parents after all. Bite your lip an remember - ITS T E N days.

You must stand your ground. My mil was awful at first...infact for many years when the kids came along...very critical. Over the years she softened. I didnt forget..but tolerated it. She died a month ago. Strange how you miss them. Take care ...hugs...xxx

My former MiL was very critical of some of my care re: children. I breastfed my 3 babies and she was horrified saying “only animals feed their own young these days”. Her son was a “Glaxo” baby who looked like he’d been blown up with a bicycle pump he was so fat. However, he did grow into a thin adult. I really wound her up when I was 8 months pregnant with 2nd child by joining DD1 on a bouncy castle. I thought she was going to have a heart attack.

The inlaws don't seem to be doing your children or you any harm.

Tell your h how you feel. Then tell them to back off.

I feel so sad when I hear all the animosity voiced on this site and possibly mumsnet too.

Life isn't a bed of roses, life isn't perfect and we can all be annoying to whomsoever at times.

"Life is very short and there's no time for fussing and fighting my friend".

When we marry, we become part of a larger family. I don't think it is constructive the way some people try to wind up others even further with their negative comments, as if trying to pour oil on troubled waters and set one person against another.

Grandparents nowadays seem to have to walk on eggshells, from what I read. We love our own children/our children through marriage and their children - our grandchildren. We need to remember that our in-laws gave us (produced) our "other-half" and, as a result, our own wonderful children, their much-loved grandchildren.

My own mother-in-law used to turn up with an unannounced birthday cake. They would say - we are coming to stay for a fortnight. I may have been a little taken aback but never complained or let it come between my husband and myself. Neither set of in-laws lived close by. If anything I used to feel guilty for them not being able to see their grandchildren more often than they did.

I only had my grandad until I was four years old, my other grandparents had sadly passed away before I was born.

Rant and rave at me if you so wish.

If you really talk to them about how you are feeling (in general) you can get your message across in a friendly, diplomatic and non confrontational way. They should catch on and there will be no need to tell them to back off.

Making a big effort now to build a good relationship with them could pay huge dividends later and avoid upsetting your husband. Humour is a great help. Can you manage to laugh at yourself sometimes? Tell them you are tired and would love a meal out.

I really hope you have a peaceful, untroubled life, full of love. However, if you ever have real problems, in the future, you may need their friendship and support very much. Don't blow it now with petty squabbles.

(Memories of real problems I had - illness, disability and death of a much loved husband, being left with four children to bring up, compelled me to make this point.)

Out of curiosity, what is the age of the grandparents and are they in good health? I'm just wondering why they didn't do their own laundry and generally helping out around the house.

Smiless, if you honestly truly can’t see where on this thread that OP is being told to suck it up and deal with it, showing you each instance isn’t going to help. I suggest you re-read.

I’m still waiting on why MIL/grandparents in general can’t compromise. Instead, I’m seeing a lot of I sucked it up and you should too.

10days can seem a lifetime if you are on edge. The new baby is only a month old if I have read this correctly and op is trying to keep a hard earned routine going. Op is surely in the throes of postnatal turmoil- not necessarily depression and getting to know her own new baby. Her husband has used up his paternity leave it seems. Time for op to be a bit firmer with the pil and I know it's hard to say the right thing but for her own sanity she has to say do come with me as I'm putting little one to bed or it's time for a nap now. The cake issue- you may well one day be really glad that someone makes a cake for you. There are an awful lot of cakes to be made. If you are set on making it,use her ingredients and ask her to write down the recipe for future use. I hate the idea of smashing cakes which is a trend butnyou could use her cake for this if she insists. As with the shoes and toys,eBay is your friend after they've left. And say that you like to take them to a shoe shop to be fitted ,would they like to come with you to make sure they fitted etc etc.
There are ways and means of getting your own way and much more fun without a showdown unless you want one.

GoodMama, I like your posts! In particular the comment about interfering grannies being frozen out of their grandchildren’s lives and then whining about it on this site.
A very wise woman warned my daughter’s MIL not to interfere, unfortunately to no avail, needless to say the marriage didn’t last a year!
This MIL sounds like an absolute nightmare too and her son needs to man up and put her firmly in her place!

Crikey goodmamma you definately have a MIL problem!!!! Some of us MIL do not interfere, are there when requested/required, dont buy stuff without asking first YET still get treated very badly by our DIL. I have been accused of not being interested after taking a step back when gc were first born and were spoken to badly whatever I did. It suits my dil we care for gc couple days a week but she wont allow me in their home so oh has to pick up from outside their house. My ds is stuck between us but I do not put any pressure on him (he has enough) as he is not the problem. She bad mouths us, then denies it but others hear it.
I have decided I am happy to see my gc when "allowed" but equally happy to spend my time doing things for me that make me happy. I think the OP should pick her arguments, accept the gifts, ignore the criticism or face it head on BUT MAINLY get her oh to entertain his parents when they visit. If my inlaws were overstepping I would speak to oh and if he didnt sort it, I did

I am absolutely astonished by this query, and by some of the responses. Your MIL wants to treat you and your children and you complain!!! Surely no children can have too much love. I also assume that, as she lives overseas, she won’t be around every year to steal the ‘joy’ of baking a cake? I will give you the benefit of the doubt because you’re obviously tired having two babies, but for goodness sake be grateful. I also assume your evil MIL raised your husband to be a nice enough chap, so just chill and be grateful.

I am much younger than many GNposters and perhaps that is why I don't jump to defend the grandparents on this sort of thread . When a grandparent acts in this way then that grandparents adult child needs to set the boundaries and defend their partner and children and their routines in their homes A MIL would most definitely not undermine me in my own home or disrupt my childs routine ! I myself would NEVER dream of voicing the criticism the OP is putting up with If this sort of behaviour is condoned by the majority of GN Grandparents and seen as acceptable then is it any wonder so many families are estranged? OP well done for keeping your temper next time insist these well of inlaws take themselves and their sheets to a Hotel!

GrauntyHelen I am unclear why you think that this thread suggests that the majority of gransnetters condone this type of behaviour.. ....?

What really bothers me here are the shoes. Shoes have to fit a child with a little growing space. How can they bring shoes with them and expect you to put them on your child. Anyway a child should not be in shoes until they start walking. Shoes that do not fit can damage feet as a babies bones are pliable...not actually bone... Oh and I would not bite my tongue I would tell them what I thought. This needs to be nipped in the bud as it will continue and get much worse as the children grow. How dare they....