Help with MIL

I think Nmm should be on Mumsnet not Gransnet. , , as she cannot see things from a Gran's point of view.
When I became a Gran to my son's first baby my husband and I were totally thrilled. We just wanted to buy things for him and see his little face light up. But a lot of the clothes we bought never saw the light of day and some of the toys ended up in the bin. Then the second little boy arrived. By now we rarely bought anything for them. We looked after them a lot as son and daughter in law both worked. We discovered that the older boy loved the Rugrats and one day I spotted some Rugrat pyjamas in a shop and bought both boys a pair. The older boy was so pleased, took them to his Mum and said "Look Mummy! Rugrats!" over and over, and she barely looked at them. Both boys are grown up now. I hope I can say my DIL likes me but I never quite feel she does, as if I get invited round by my son and after the meal she leaves the room to go somewhere,,,
These relationships can be difficult, but it is sad if doting grandparents cant spoil their grandchildren, and are merely seen as interfering old busy bodies.

Hetty58 good post re really talking about feelings! In a non confrontational diplomatic way! And petty squabbles and real problems!

I think this MIL is being tactless, OTT and thoughtless and probably controlling! But hints and tears and such like are unlikely to really get through. Honest discussion about feelings and expectations just might if consistently applied and referred to as appropriate !

I don't think that most posters are jumping to defend the grandparents, GrauntyHelen or that any Gransnetters are condoning the way the GP behave.
I think they are trying to help the OP to find some way of dealing with the situation to find a way forward which maintains a good relationship for the sake of all concerned, particularly the small children, whilst letting the GP know in a reasonable way that this is how she and their son bring up their children.

It's a balancing act and the OP needed advice and she needs the support of her DH.

I must have missed the bit about the sheets - did they bring their own? At least that's a step in the right direction if they don't leave dirty bedding behind for the OP to deal with!!
Or did they expect their bed changed by the OP?

What I am seeing from the reasonable posts on this thread Summerlove is not the brushing aside of the OP's m.i.l.'s behaviour but a desire that the OP keep things in proportion and does not make a crisis out of a drama.

You're waiting to see why m's.i.l. and GP's in general can't compromise; really!! You, who posted that you wanted answers apart from 'she's old and will die soon'.

No one has condoned this GM's behaviour it's just that some of us don't condone the rush to come between a d.i.l. and her m.i.l. and a son and his mother.

When advice is given that will inevitably create a rift between a d.i.l. and her m.i.l. and a son or daughter with their mother then yes Danlan, it's very easy to see why perceived interfering GM's become "frozen out their GC's lives" and no wonder they whine; such intolerance and immaturity.

'she's old and will die soon'.
Very harsh, Summerlove (not a very apt username btw!)

The MIL may be in her 50s and could live for another 40 or so years so it would be a good idea if the DIL and DS worked out some strategies and managed to convey to his parents that the rules in their house may differ somewhat from the way that their son was brought up - it may not be the right way, but it is their way. This can be done without causing acrimony or estrangement but it does need a mature attitude and tolerance on both sides, as Smileless says.

A wider family group can only be good for the grandchildren in the long term.

I agree Calli

It's not too hard to see the situation from both points of view. What is very wrong is the timing. The in-laws should have waited several months until the family had recovered from the addition of its new member and OP had got over the aftermath of its birth. Emotionally she would have been better equipped to deal with the invasion of the child-snatchers as she appears to see them. I can't help wondering about the new baby. We haven't been told if it's a boy or a girl. How has the little boy reacted? Is he showing signs of feeling supplanted?
Living far from their GC, it's natural that the I-Ls should wish to make the most of them. Every time they see them, there will be big changes and one day they will be teenagers without much time to spare for visiting GPs.

Both my dearly loved daughters put it to me very early on in the arrival of their babies, that it is their turn now to be the Mummy. They ask for help/my thoughts only when required
My new role has to be of a Nanny. You wouldn’t employ a Nanny and have her tell you how to bring up your off spring. I love playing games with them but feed time, bath time and putting to bed time is for the new parents (unless they ask otherwise), Happiness all round ?!

I am still baffled by the comments encouraging the OP to put up with the MIL's ways...The OP has a young baby and a one year old.
She enough on her plate.
Supporting behaviour is not to be controlling it is about giving mum the help she needs .
It is not about the MIL's needs.
When the children grow a bit more then the GP's can spoil them. But not yet it is far too soon.

There should not be rift because the OP is respected in her own home, And it is up to her to decide when it is time to involve her husband.

When we got married, we had three children in less than three years. My parents lived three hours away and were working full time, so we didn't see much of them. My husbands parents were retired, and were also a three hour drive. We invited my inlaws down twice a year, once at Christmas for a fortnight and then in the summer, for a fortnight. We often had them for a week at Easter too and visited their home every couple of months. My mother in law could be incredibly hard work...my father in law was a sweetie...but they were both quite old and quite strict. Early on my MIL told me to stop breast feeding after three months...I used to laugh, my youngest I fed till he was 5! I used to love them coming, made a huge fuss of them, spoiled them as much as I could.....but made sure I managed to avoid any direct interference with bringing up our children. I enjoyed them fussing the kids....but if they overstepped the mark, I would intervene. As long as you are around when they are, I really don't think your children are going to suffer by not having you to comfort them when they need you....if you feel they are being 'comforted' by their Granny when they are trying to reach you, just sweep in and say 'Time for mummy cuddles'. Honestly, grandparents are just mums and dads who have been there, brought up their kids and are now enjoying their own childrens kids. I have two grandsons and love having them here, but like most grandparents, I enjoy handing them back at the end of the day. Don't worry, they are probably just trying to spend as much time with their grandkids that they will have memories....ten days is a short period of time....don't stress it.....they will be gone soon.

New mothers should be looked after not expected to be maids and cooks for grandparents. Kind thoughtful grandparents are more likely to be welcomed back than selfish ones whose visits are endured rather than enjoyed at best or avoided. We've had our shor at being mums, it's time to support our daughters or daughters in law. At very least do not create any extra work for the new mum. If you want to be waited in, use a hotel. , And time visits for when the older baby us likely to be awake and remember that such a young child does need his mother, when he is older things will be different, so make sure further visits will be joyful for everyone bit just you. And no criticism in anything, and no advic3 either . You did it your way let mum do it her way.

well firstly i agree with the outlaws. baby wipes are so bad for the enviroment.....wearing leather tell them you are vegan
...i would grit my teeth as they are only here for 10 days. kind of humour them and say oh maybe you could teach me a bit more enviromentally friendly items....you need to stand your ground ,its your house .you do it your way..how about a bit of give and take .share the children ,but say firmly this is how i do it ...

Good Mama. Are you for real. You certainly don't sound like you would be a good mama etc, you are coming across as very bitter. You have nothing positive to say or good, would be better if you didn't say anything at all.

Nmmaikra . It looks to me like you have a very caring and generous MIL. People that can afford it often give more expensive gifts etc. They obviously have accepted you as their DIL and love the little ones as their own. Don't feel like they are undermining you in any way. Accept the gifts let your children wear and enjoy the toys. And when the MIL takes over the care of the children take that time to relax and appreciate that you have a MIL that loves to be of help, (some MILs don't even like the DIL. after all 10 days is a very short time and you will have the children until they leave home. Set a few boundries eg; sleep times and put them to sleep your self. Sometimes the oldies can teach us a few things if we allow ourselves to listen and not be offended with their advice.

She is overstepping and should not have made the cake. i would have asked you if you want help or would like to know a family tradition. Not to take over. As for wipes...I would not worry about the environment right now with two little ones! And why do you need organic or wood toys? Ten days is too long IMO. We ask our daughter in law how long is good for a visit and what we can or can't do to help. As a young mother I wanted my kitchen and baby arrangements decided by me and my husband. My mother in law was wonderful to us and our boys and wasn't pushy. It can be a touchy situation and I hope you will voice your concerns in a caring and non defensive way-hard to do I know.

So reading the differing replies to this post allliws is to see why we have our other forum on ESTRANGENT! A very common problem - Brought about by misunderstandings, intolerance on both sides, lack of good gentle communication ...... what hope for work peace! We have I am sure all been guilty of thinking we are right! And the other person is being unreasonable! We have to look at the bigger picture. X

Sorry about my misspellings. Can’t find my glasses!

World peace!

It is the reason perhaps for some estrangement but not all

Have they gone home yet?

I presume that when the OP first posted on the 24th July it was not the start of the 'holiday' and she was reaching the end of her tether.

A Nanny is not a Grandmother though, Acer.

Nmmraika I am assuming you dont live in Europe as you say you "live by the ocean" whereas here we would would mostly say live by the sea. Plus your parents live 12 hours away.
Here is what I get from your post you have an almost one year old DS and DS2 is three weeks old and your husband has gone back to work after his paternity leave. You are just getting into a routine of being mummy to two young babies who both need a lot of input from you. DS1 just getting to learn he now has to share his mummy. In come PILs for a 10 day stay. Sounds great as they could take some pressure by keeping the running of the house going while you concentrate on your babies and there's still plenty of time to enjoy the babies too. But no that's not at all what is in MIL's mind. She has come as a guest just to enjoy her GC. She is in the wrong in my opinion because when you go to stay at a home where there is a new baby you go there to help smooth the way for the new parents. It's now the weekend and hopefully you DH is at home to take the pressure off you with them. Plus the end of the visit is now in sight. I think your husband should have a word with his mother with your support that his children need regular nap and sleep times and that she should not interfere with that and perhaps a bit more support around the house would have been more helpful.
As for the presents I would thank her for them but say you would prefer that she didn't buy him shoes unless she is with you and him as you want him to have properly fitted shoes. Please dont let her make you feeel inferior by her choice of presents. Remember her son chose you. After they have gone you and DH can sit and discuss future visits from them. As you say that they have plenty of money they could easily stay in a hotel to take the pressure off you.
We live abroad and always stay in hotels when visiting our children in England because it gives us more freedom. Good luck

Pythagorusgood post which IMO was all the better for being typed when you weren't wearing your glasses.

Me too Theoddbird It might seem like a small thing but it is really important that shoes are properly fitted and only worn if really necessary. The grandparents need to know that. They could always give cash to pay for leather shoes.

What bothers me immensely about a lot of threads on here?

We only know part of the story, one person's view, and yet we tend to get an overwhelming response of sympathy, agreement, support and praise. The complainer is predictably reassured of the validity of her ideas, encouraged to escalate hostilities further, to act aggressively, to limit or stop contact etc. How is that helpful?

Some of us try to illustrate the other's point of view, encourage understanding, even (Heaven forbid) point out where the OP may have got things wrong and suggest compromise. We are then condemned as taking the 'other side', pronounced evil, just as bad as those complained about, agreeing with them. It's just silly!

Problems are very rarely one sided and usually both parties need to change their attitudes and behaviour. Children are very sensitive to atmospheres. They need good role models (especially from parents) to enable them to get along with others and enjoy their lives.

Parents, please be ever aware of the examples you are setting them - good or bad.