Paternal Grandma

Just seen your second message, Meet. I really should read all messages before commenting! I see why you're upset. It doesn't seem fair that maternal Grandma can come and go as she pleases and you have to make an appointment.

But this is very common I'd have thought. Daughters are, as a rule, close to their Mums and it's just an extension of that. Maybe they like everything to be ship shape when you go round whereas her own Mum won't be expecting anything special.

It is tricky but at least you can get to see the little chap and once a week is a lot more than many. You'll have to point out to your husband that this is just the way it is for now.

This seems to be a frequent topic on GN. Once a week seems very reasonable to me. And surely making a prior arangement to visit or meet is far more considerate and polite than just arriving at what might be an inconvenient time.

We have 3 sons, one living just a few miles away and the other two a 100 miles away and involving a ferry crossing. We would not dream of just popping in on our nearest son, I would always text or phone first. Because of distance, work schedules and busy lives we only see the majority of our GC every few months. That is fine with us, we have never expected to be closely involved in their lives. We have great relationships with all our AC and DILs, we love our GC and they love us and enjoy their visits to us. No doubt as our GC get older they will visit less often prefering to spend time with their friends, that's only natural.

Grandparents really don't have a 'right' to spend time with their grandchildren whenever it suits them, there nèeds to be consideration for all concerned.

Because it's her mum. She is spending and choosing time to spend with her Mum. She's 100% allowed to do that. They are obviously close. I bet before her had her child she was still close to her mum.

Her mum is also there to see her Daughter not just her grandchild which is what your DHs main focus is on.

I think it’s very important to remember that just because a woman becomes a mother, it doesn’t mean she stops being a daughter.

Prior to having my dgs my dil saw her mother 2-3 times a week, I considered myself lucky if I saw my ds once a month! Im very fortunate to have a wonderful relationship with my dil, like you I see dgs once a week, however she is till understandably much closer to her own mother.

I understand how you feel, I struggled with similar feelings when my dgs was tiny. But the truth is, my dil’s mum doesn’t just go to spend time with our dgs, she wants to spend time with her daughter. She also visits when dgs is napping, and on a evening when dgs is in bed (my ds works shifts, and so if often not home until late). The visits are as much about mother & daughter as they were about grandmother and grandson. Are you and your ds close? Maybe if you try and build that relationship you may feel closer to the family.

Please don’t let focusing on what you don’t have spoil the wonderful relationship you are building with your grandchild. Enjoy the special time.

How does he expect to arrange to see them if not via a phone call or text?

Dropping in is rude imo. They could be out/cooking/napping/have invited guests etc. Of course it's the polite thing to check they are available.

When he says he doesn't want to make an appointment does he mean he wants to just turn up at random times?

The issue to me is the appointment system. Are you ever allowed to take GS out or have him overnight say at weekends. I am in the situation where I see GS about 4 or 5 times a year but that is due to distance. When I do see him I am allowed to look after him when parents go on holiday or out for the night. There is a GP who lives nearby who sees him more regularly but I don't have an issue with this. Think I would definitely feel unwelcome having to make a weekly appointment. Is there a reason you can think of for this system.

Who DIL chooses to spend her free time with is none of your husbands business. DIL is an adult and in no way accountable to him. Once a week is plenty.

Where is your son in all of this?! Why is it always the DIL that’s blamed?!
She’s keeping in touch with her side of the family. Her husbands side is not her obligation.

Also calling it an appointment is ridiculous. They have lives. They will most likely make plans, have other arrangements, want a quiet night in. Speaking to an adult about when they have time for a visit isn’t unreasonable

I have never ever had to make an appointment to see any of our DGCs I have a key to all my DCs houses but would never consider using it with it being an emergency or ringing before hand to ckeck someone is home.
There have been weeks when I have not seen any of them because their parents are busy with work or taking them places and I am fine with that.
Both of my DIL gravitate towards their mothers which I expect them to do as my DD does the same with me we have a closer relationship compared with my DILs.
There are very many GNers who would be glad to see their DGCs once a week but sadly that doesn't always happen.

I’ve given this some further thought, and would changing your language help how you feel about things? I find the use of the word ‘appointment’ strange. Surely it is just 4 adults agreeing a time to see each other that is mutually convenient? Maybe saying something like ‘arranged to get together’ would help your husband feel less negatively about the situation?

I’m always made very welcome by my ds and dil, but I would always arrange to visit them before just turning up. It seems slightly unreasonable to expect that people are always available for you to visit them.

I am old-fashioned enough to think you should be able just to "drop in " anytime you want, so I understand your husband's point of view.

However, these days people don't just drop in for a cuppa, do they?

You don't mention how old the child is, or whether both his parents work, but I imagine they are busy.

The wisest thing to do is to accept the young parents' way of doing things and to try to persuade your husband to see that that is just the way things are these days.

You might want to show him the various threads on here about grandparents who never see their grandchildren, so he realises how fortunate you are.

Not make an appointment to see your grandchildren? I would have found that quite unacceptable when I was the parent and now I am the grandparent, I still find it unacceptable, except in very limited circumstances.

It is time more grandparents realised that once their children are married, they set up an independent household with their partner and develop their own ways of life, rules, and habits and the grandparents place is on the outside looking in and when interacting with the new household, doing it under that households control.

As a paternal grandparents we are on holiday at the moment with DS and family. There hasn't been a cross word, because as far as we are concerned they lay the rules down about how grandchildren should behave/what they eat/ and what they do together, and they respect our habits and idiosyncracies.

We have had a lovely day today, we all went off sight seeing, had a (joint) picnic on a beach. Afterwards DS wanted to go somewhere we didn't so we went our separate ways and will meet up later for a meal out this evening, when we will be told all about their afternoon adventures and we will tell them what we did.

It's no different than arranging to see a friend, I think.

Its polite to ask when is the best time so you can enjoy the visit and relax.

My parents caused a lot of (unknown to them ) strife by popping in. I loved it, but DH hated it. We’d moved locally after 18 years of living several hours journey away. Although DSiL is very easy going and they live locally, even as a maternal grandmother I would never drop in without notice.

I have a 9 month old baby. I was a working mom until he turned 8 months. My MIL watched him one day a week all day. I stopped working because I want to be there when he starts talking and walking. My MIL wants us to continue the arrangement of one full day a week and I said no. She wants us to drop off my son at her house for full days or us to take him to her. I am still breastfeeding so I don’t want to pump to arrange for that full day she wants with him and I don’t want to miss if he walks and talks randomly. My MIL and family are welcome to come visit him at our house any day but they don’t want that option. They want to take him, I feel bad that it’s been 2 weeks they have skipped on seeing him because they don’t want to visit him at my house but they want to take him only. I need advise how to deal with my MIL and not cause a bigger conflict.

Don’t make an argument. You’ve set your boundary and left the door open to them. Now leave them to it. Don’t chase them or beg or bend to their will.
If they want to cut their nose off to spite their face then that’s their choice.

I don't understand why it is that you are so concentrated upon your GS to the virtual exclusion of your son and dil. Both my wife and I adore our gc and ggc but we are always as happy to see the parents, especially the one who is our dc or gc.

My parents used to just drop in on me, when I had my last child, and I resented it.

I only had twelve weeks at home with her, and I didn’t want her taken off me to be taken off for a walk, plus they would never have thought of dropping in if there wasn’t a baby to fuss over!

Just wait to be invited, or if you do drop in unannounced, keep it brief

First and foremost grand parenting is not a competition unless you want to make it one.

I do have some empathy with your situation. When we first became a GP dh was the worlds best authority on child rearing. (Not)

Until I reminded him

1) She is their child and it's their family.

2) I did most of the parenting as he was at work so where sis he get all this knowledge and childrearing experience from?

3) His childhood was so awful (according to him) why on this good earth would I want to repeat that with our girls and certainly not with the DGD.

Therefore, I'd start by asking you dh how pro-active was HE in making sure HIS mother and father got to see their GC?

Then ask yourself how pro-active were you in making sure you MIL and FIL got to see their GC ?

Are you, as GP, really any better or worse off than your in-laws were?

Did your parents get to see more of your children than his parents?

These questions are there to help you and your dh get some real perspective on the situation.

Because it's a big thing to ask someone to be more thoughtful with us than we were with our parents/ in-laws.

If you and your dh were more thoughtful around GP's visiting your children, their GC, than may be that set up certain expectations. If so that was you then, this is your son's family now.

Ask you dh how much support, encouragement, and general "you're doing a good job" has your DIL had from him ? Or from your son?

Most men (again not all) left the child care to the women and how many of our husbands ever said to us 'WOW you are doing an amazing job of raising our children, being the housekeeper, worker, mum's taxi .... ?

Only since retirement and watching our DD and SIL doing what's involved in keeping a family working has my oh realised what it took to keep it all going. It was my Mum, not my Dad or PIL that said I was doing OK, that I'd done somethings well, that I might try doing somethings differently. Mum's can do those thing, say those things that others often can't. It's just one of those life quirks.

As GP's we often (not always) have more time on our hands than we did when we were parents.

We need to remember what it was like when we were trying to juggle all the things our AC are juggling, parenting, work, our relationship, friendships, disrupted sleep etc, etc.

I know with my parents and in-laws we had to make "Arrangements". I never thought of them as "Appointments".

I had to make arrangements if they were coming to see us or if we were going to see them so this doesn't seem so strange to me.

I suppose if you/they live very close and talk often about what other arrangements are involved in each others everyday life then may be arranging a time isn't as important but not many of us live like that.

Bottom line as long as your son and DIL aren't being out and out rude or withholding then your dh needs to realise that you and he are only one piece of their life jigsaw.

They are their own people, with their own needs and priorities, living their own life in the best way they can and NO ONE was put on this earth just to out and out please another person.

We are not here just to knowingly hurt other people but our lives really are not all about living in such a way that our parents, our in-laws, our siblings or anyone else's is not put out.

I think you have a better perspective on the situation but it really does came down to it's their child and your DIL will be drawn to who she knows more, her Mum, where she feels more comfortable and where she doesn't "feel" any implied criticism or disapproval.

I wish you well and enjoy your DGS

I dont think it is as much an "appointment"more a way of making sure they are there when you call, and have time to spend with you, they might otherwise be occupied if you just pop in.

Is it possible for you to invite them to your home for the day?

I am assuming that your current visits are to their home.

Inviting them to your house may get you a bit more time with your grandchild and it would be a day out for them.

I suppose it depends on how you all get on together.

I found it very strange when my 2 sons left home and wanted us to ring before visiting. We always had open house here so all family just turned up and if we're home they were welcomed. My daughter still has this arrangement but not my son's.

I would be careful about rocking the boat over this. It is almost inevitable that if your DIL's mother lives nearby she will see more of her if she has the time. At present you are seeing them one day a week which is quite a lot in my opinion. Do you invite them over to you for a change? Make the most of it, soon he will be off to nursery or play group and you will be lucky to stick at once a week. When school comes along it gets even more complicated, so just enjoy what you have.

When my DS was tiny, both sets of DGP were working but after a few years they had more time and we moved much nearer to the in-laws who I had never been close to.

I was asked if they could come around for high tea/supper every week. I said that would be fine but was it heck!
I found it a strain. We did it. I did the cooking and cleared the space pretended to be a good housewife
I cant remember how it ended but it did. I think they moved away for a few years.

It has to be on the family's terms, in my opinion.
I could relax with my own family but never with my in-laws. I think my in-laws envied my DM because of her closer relationship.

We are actually much closer to them now that they are very old, we are old, DM has died and the DC are all grown up with DC of their own..

Try not to view it in the negative “having to make an appt”, but instead reframe it as trying to be a considerate guest/family member trying to find a time that works best for all involved

We had asked both sides of the family to check in before they wanted to visit to make sure it was a good time. My side of the family had no issue with this. My in-laws found it the worlds greatest insulted that they had to make an appointment. They were SURE we didn’t ask this of my family. When, in reality we asked everybody to check before they visited.
We wanted to ensure a good visit, ie not during feeding or nap time.

It took years for my MIL to “forgive” me. Even though it was my husbands wishes as well. She saw much less of our children during this time because she was so unreasonable. Don’t be my MIL