Help me deal with paternal grandparents mainly MIL?

Stella949 thank you for pointing out the husband problem I didn’t see it from that perspective but it makes the most sense. I can talk to my mother about sensitive issues but my husband is not doing the same he instead is in a way asking me to deal with his mother as well.

I apologize if my post earlier on came across as me being upset at the comments it wasn’t meant that way at all. I also should have disclosed that I had a daughter who is 6 from a previous marriage. My son is my last baby and I want to hold on to those moments with him that I won’t be able to experience again. I guess I’m a weird mother I don’t want to go shopping or anything he is growing so fast that all that can wait for later years when kids are grown and they don’t want to be held, kissed or hugged by their mother anymore.

You’ve given them the option to visit you at home, if they choose to cut off their nose to spite their face, then that’s a choice they’ve made on their own.

Keep offering if you feel like it, but, your choices for child rearing are valid, and don’t feel guilty about thar

It is more involved than your first post, that's why you have to know all the facts before diving in. I can understand how you feel, you want to enjoy and make the most of your baby, you do not want your daughter sidelined either. Could you perhap, go to see mil once a fortnight with both children for just a couple of hours. You were happy and trusted her with your son for 8 months and she formed a bond with him, it was hard for her to have that stopped. Your husband wants you and his mom happy.

"Dh,
Our baby is not a toy or a timeshare.
Babies thrive with routine, changing the baby's schedule benefits your mother, not our child
Your mother had her turn with her babies, now it is mine.
You are her son, you deal with her.
Telling her to call me and convince me is a very cowardly move on your part.
Your mother will not have her day with our child."

Good post Hithere

BUT but but Hithere The OP changed the schedule not the MIL.for 8 months baby has been used to spending time with his GM .He must miss her as much as she misses him.In my opinion the OP should be grateful the MIL stepped up and cared for him an dshe should be happy to take the child to visit.Apart from anything else she may want babyminding services to resume at some stage and keeping MIL onside would make sense .

I agree with paddyann

MIL was good enough to care for the child when OP needed help, the baby will have formed a bond with his granny and with his auntie.
It seems like all take and no give on OP's part.

Paddyann,

The baby was left on mil's care as a favour to the grandmother, original poster clearly stated there was no need for it as her sister was taking care of the baby the whole week.

In my opinion, it is the first mistake, take into account somebody's wants vs the baby's needs.
Look at the entitlement it created.

The baby is 9 months old, s/he needs his/her mother more than any other person in the world.
Mother-baby bond beats external family-baby bond.

I highly doubt an 9 month baby misses and cries the grandmother. That is projection.

There are other ways to maintain that bond instead of demanding time alone with the child.

If others have cared for the baby for the first eight months of his life, then presumably the baby did not miss his mother very much either.
He will bond with his carers.

Funny isn't it how sometimes when it suits routine is paramount, but when it doesn't suit routine can be dropped. This is a 9 month old baby who has had one routine and is having it changed. We may think babies don't mind who cares for them but there is evidence that babies who are moved around in early life (for example through adoption breakdown) have problems later on. Of course your baby is too young to ask where his GM is or why he isn't at her house any more. That doesn't mean he doesn't miss contact with her. It's fine to love your baby but part of loving is allowing others to care for and love him and not treating him as just 'yours'.
As for him growing up and not wanting hugs my huge 30+ DSs still hug me.

Look this is moving at a fast pace the poster has a 6 year old daughter and had to work long hours so her mum brought the daughter up for the first four years, now she has a new baby and the older child living with her but since the baby was born he has been with paternal mum in law one day a week (as a favour) and with her sister for the other days Now she has stopped work and wants to be with the baby full time but is happy for any relatives to visit and enjoy the baby but does not want full time care anymore Have I got this correct?

Well it must be your choice both your sister and mother in law have been honoured with a lot of time with the children and now it’s your turn to build your little family up I don’t think you should feel at all guilty about wanting to do it all yourself from now on
Why didn’t you do that when he was born I wonder?
Instead of saying call round why not ask them over for a meal or a get together slightly more formal than a casual just call in invitation
Don’t fall out with them but it IS your baby not the grandparents they MUST always be secondary in any relationship and I think you ve been very fair and I agree your husband must be more supportive and not leave it to you to tell his mum
Enjoy your two kids you sound as if you have more security in your life now
Good luck

Callistemon, that’s a little cruel don’t you think? We don’t know why OP had to go back to work so quickly.

She’s not even trying to cut MIL out. She’s said very clearly she’s afraid of missing out on more “firsts” for baby. THATS why she doesn’t want to drop baby off with anyone.

Never mind she’ll have to pump and make other arrangements for a “visit” that isn’t what she wants.

She’s invited MIL over. She shouldn’t have to ship her child over there if she doesn’t want to

It’s all very well for OP to have arranged for her sister to look after her baby but the bond between grandmother and grandchild is closer than that between aunt and child. I am not surprised grandma wanted more contact. However, I do think grandma should make more of an effort to get to know the other little girl in the family who could perhaps like a step grandparent too.

Oh I see. So the story has changed slightly. Not sure, but are you wondering if your mother in law doesn't want to go to your house because of your other child? Do they get on? Has there been much of a relationship? I could be totally getting it wrong so apologies if I have!

I do hope you get it sorted. For all your sakes.

Doodle, that’s ridiculous. Baby was with the aunt 4 days and grandmother 1. A baby doesn’t know who is “supposed” to have more of a bond.

As far as genetic bonds, aunt and grand parent are pretty similar at 25%.

The thing is, even if this baby has formed a fabulous bond with his Grandma, the grandma is choosing not to see him.

She's chosen to go 2 weeks without seeing him because she isn't getting what she wants.
She has made that decision not to see him, so she can't be missing him that much and she can't be worried about him wondering where she is or they bond they have formed.

Why didn’t you do that when he was born I wonder?
I wondered too * Bluebelle*
It all sounds rather odd.

Callistemon, that’s a little cruel don’t you think? We don’t know why OP had to go back to work so quickly.

No, Summerlove
This thread is following a rather familiar pattern.
drip-feeding bits of information

Still no reason to be unkind.

It wasn't.
It was a statement of fact.

A child bonds with its carers.

If your husband accepts your 6 year old, really it's time his mother tried a bit harder I feel. I do understand her feeling excited now that her son is a father - but he was a father before that when he took on the fatherly role for your daughter.
Did she visit at that point? Did she try to build a relationship with your little girl? You say "mother-in-law and family" - who else wants the baby? Is it your husband's siblings?

If I was you I would find it quite hurtful that your mother-in-law seems to be cutting your daughter out. She needs to spend time with you as a family I think. Not just with her new grandson.

But, please don't save all your family time for your parents either, share it about a bit. Do, of course, also make time to grow strong as a family team, and spend time together as a family of four too.

Because of the need to reinforce the idea of your family, I think I'd want to visit her as a family^. Continue inviting her to your house but don't allow yourself to get stressed if she doesn't come. Maybe suggest your husband calls her to ask her to, say, join you four for a picnic - perhaps she will find it harder to be rude to him.

And yes, as others have said, ask him to please support you and not make you out to be a person who needs convincing.

Finally, you have been pumping milk for your baby for months. What a relief to be able to stop this. Enjoy your time with your little family free of the constraints that pumping brings. Don't let this be spoiled by people outside your family whoever's they are. Keep offering to share your days with her, but don't think you are a bad person for feeling that you want to be with your son. You cannot help the way you feel and only you know what you are feeling deep inside. I am sure you have done the right thing in giving up work if you can manage financially. In 50 years time you will not look back and say "goodness, I wish I'd worked more and spent less time with my children". The early years fly by and soon your daughter will be at school and the dynamics will change again anyway.

I do hope you are able to resolve this soon. And I do hope your husband helps you do this.
Good luck.

I’m sorry I just realized I didn’t clarify I did take maternity leave and cared for my baby for the 12 weeks after birth so my mother in law asked me to allow her to have one day once I went back to work despite the fact that I said I already had a baby sitter (my sister) for the full week since my sister was already caring for my 6 year old daughter as well. The other people that want more time with the baby are my husbands brothers and sisters he has 4 siblings they all want to have tome with the baby since they still live with my MIL. My MIL youngest kid is 12 years old and the oldest is 27. I sometimes would like to say she still has a pretty young child to focus on who needs help with school work but I understand is not the same.

My MIL took care of him one day per week from month 4 to month 8 of his life.

And no MIL did not try to establish a relationship with my 6 year old in the 5 years of relationship I had with her son and one year of engagement and one year of marriage.

My MIL was never okay with her Son marrying me because I was a single mom much so that when I bought a group ultrasound and invited my mother sister and my MIL and Father in law they said they didn’t want to attend. However when they saw my baby for the first time they couldn’t keep their hands off of him because my son looks exactly like her 12 year old son. Her baby out of the 5 kids she has. My sister in law told me that she often found her mother talking to my son and calling him by her brothers name. I feel that she wants to relive her time with her own son. She greatly insisted that I should stop breastfeeding at 6 months because she said there was no benefit to the babies anymore after that point. She insisted it was to give me a break from the stress of pumping but I said no.

How much warning did she get that I would stop working well she got plenty or too much I would say. I told her I would stop working when my son turned 6 months and she insisted I should continue to work so I can save up more money before I stopped. Then she continue to say babies don’t remember anything don’t worry just work a few more months and I got to the point I said no I want to stay home with my kids and told her I put in 4 weeks of notice at work so she got the same amount of notice that I would no longer need her to take care of my child.

I looked for advice on how to handle the situation because I felt bad about the situation but after going through all the posts I feel better about my decision. I am not cutting her off she can visit. I believe she doesn’t wNt to visit because she has a lot to do at her own house since her 12 year old boy, 17 year old boy 15 year old girl and 27 year old girl still live at home and she has to do everything for them that she has her hands full. Her 27 year old is like another mother to her kids and so was my husband so she has always been upset that when he left he couldn’t help her anymore with the 3 youngest kids.

She has told me to my face that she didn’t want me to marry her son but he looked like he loved me so she had to accept it. The same with my father in law and I just want to keep things civil for the baby but I don’t see why it can’t be at my home as much as they would like they can visit. But since they haven’t fully accepted me into their family that’s probably why they don’t feel comfortable coming to my house that they prefer that they keep previous arrangements from the past 4 months.