Gransnet forums

Ask a gran


(81 Posts)
smedleyswife Mon 23-Sep-19 23:28:19

L is my second husband , we have been married 20 years. Recently he spoke to me very very rudely in front of my son and DIL and I was mortified and embarrassed. We had a massive row later when I challenged him about it during which time he said ‘People have said to me you speak to me badly’. He refuses to tell me who or when and it appears he did not defend me in any way. We don’t have any friends so it’s one of 6 people (all family) or his mother or stepmother. I’m distraught for lots of reasons:

He didn’t tell me so I could check myself
He didn’t appear to defend me
He kept a secret from me

I suffer from extreme anxiety and I feel like I’m drowning, I wouldn’t challenge the ‘people’ but at least I’d have a heads up so could be aware. I’ve threatened to leave him if he doesn’t tell me - he reckons he loves me but he’s fine with that .


MissAdventure Mon 23-Sep-19 23:31:44

I think its a classic manipulation technique he is using; "everyone" has said this or that about you.

He won't tell you, because its probably a load of rubbish he's made up.
Attack is the best form of defence.

smedleyswife Mon 23-Sep-19 23:45:07

I’m devastated, he now denies he said people and he’s lied to me before. We’re not speaking and sleeping separately. My life seems pointless at present, I’m used as a very useful childminder by my children and feel dreadfully let down by a man I adore. I really can’t see a way forward

Namsnanny Mon 23-Sep-19 23:54:56

smedleyswife…….Is this the first time he's inflated the drama to this extent?

To me (and I'm sorry if it offends), it seems he is looking for a fight!

He seems to understand you well enough to know that you won't accept his behaviour.

If that's the case why would he do this?

It's not so much what he has done, more his reaction to your feelings about it that is telling.

MissAdventure is on the right track I think.

MissAdventure Tue 24-Sep-19 00:01:52

It sounds as if you're having an a a awful time, smedleyswife but please don't judge your worth from how others treat you.

Has your husband always known just how to 'push your buttons', I wonder?

gmelon Tue 24-Sep-19 00:01:55

I agree with MissAdventure.
My first thoughts were exactly the same as hers.

Namsnanny Tue 24-Sep-19 00:03:33

Just read your last post. I'm so sorry you are feeling so low.
These things are very hurtful, and it's still in flux until you get more understanding or information from your husband about what he really wants.


smedleyswife Tue 24-Sep-19 00:17:21

He has just said it was my daughter - so he would protect her over me. I think it just got a whole lot worse. I love my daughter who left her husband of 8 months for a pilot 21years older than her. That was 10 years ago, he’s a chauvinist, overweight, lazy around the house but has money to burn and they have the lifestyle. She lies about seeing her father ( who I think she should have a relationship with) wears clothes for an 18 year old (short shorts and she’s 37) and drinks more than is good for her. She has been known to bite and argue with the partner (he won’t marry her) after drink and consequently we no longer stay over. She’s very kind and generous and a good mum so not all bad. You’re probably reading this and thinking what a dysfunctional lot and you’re probably right.

smedleyswife Tue 24-Sep-19 00:18:52

I adore my grandchildren and they adore us, I do all of the cooking and most of the housework type stuff but L does bins, grass etc. I thought we were a good team but he can be quite controlling

smedleyswife Tue 24-Sep-19 00:19:35

I’m assertive so challenge or ignore it but it’s hit a nerve this time.

MissAdventure Tue 24-Sep-19 00:28:15

Is it possible your daughter did say it when she had been drinking?

smedleyswife Tue 24-Sep-19 00:28:48

He’s excuse is we’re none of us perfect but I feel he’s kept a secret from me until the time it would cause the most hurt and I always thought he would have my back x

smedleyswife Tue 24-Sep-19 00:29:19

Apparently not so much drink, that was my first question

smedleyswife Tue 24-Sep-19 00:31:02

I’m 61 and thought I had the perfect life, the rugs been pulled from under me,

Namsnanny Tue 24-Sep-19 00:36:53

Before you dive in thinking it was your daughter, remember you have said he has a history of lying.
Are you sure he is telling the truth now?

If it was your daughter, she said what...….that you spoke badly to your husband, which he is suggesting made him speak badly to you?
Have I got it right?

Perhaps you should sleep on it if you can, and try to make sense of it all after things have died down a little smile

smedleyswife Tue 24-Sep-19 00:41:34

I think he was using it to indicate I’m not perfect and I know I’m not but I’m trying all of the time to be the nicest person I can. I have poor self esteem following a awful childhood and abusive first marriage. I love this guy he has a lot of good points but I’m really struggling.

Thank you so much for your advice. I’ve been a member for 6 years, it’s amazing to know support is here.

Hetty58 Tue 24-Sep-19 00:55:14

Just a storm in a teacup, tit for tat and a little tiff in my book. Why not say sorry and maybe he can, then you can make up? Everyone has occasional rows don't they? You could both agree to speak nicely to each other - at least in company!

Alexa Tue 24-Sep-19 01:21:37

It's for him to tell you if you speak badly to him, and to tell you what he would prefer.

Perhaps he was bluffing as was ashamed of his rudeness.

CanadianGran Tue 24-Sep-19 03:04:21

Sorry, but I think you are being too dramatic.

In a nutshell; he spoke rudely to you, when you confronted him, he countered that you have spoken rudely to him in the past. Now you feel the rug has been pulled out from under you and you can't go on?

You need to sit down and have an honest conversation. Sometimes things are said either flippantly or in jest and can be taken to heart but were not said in true bad faith. It sounds like he got defensive when you were angry with him. I'm not taking his side in this since I do not know what was said, or in what circumstance, but I know my hubby and I have hurt one another's feelings often in the past and hashed it out afterwards when we were cooled down a bit.

And as for it being your daughter who in the past said you were rude to have been together with him for 20 years, so I imagine your daughter was a teenager at some point during the relationship. I can well imagine my daughter rolling her eyes and saying 'well isn't mum awful?' when I was out of the room. Nothing to take too seriously in my opinion.

Please take some time to cool down, then talk.

Nansnet Tue 24-Sep-19 03:46:54

I totally agree with what others have said. You say you love your husband, and he says he loves you. This really isn't worth ruining a good marriage over. I've often spoken to my husband rudely, and he to me, especially when one of us has been angry, or upset, about something. Neither of us are perfect, or proud of the fact, but once we have calmed down we apologise, and all is forgotten. Relationships can't be a bed of roses all the time. As long as you can talk to each other openly, explain what's upset you, and apologise, that should be the end of it. Don't let this swell up inside of you, because that's when things get taken out of context and begin to seem far worse than they actually are.

sodapop Tue 24-Sep-19 09:11:40

I agree with Nansnet all relationships have their ups and downs some more upsetting than others. You sound as if your mood is quite low smedley'swife maybe you need to get some help with this, you have some problems with your family as well which doesn't help. Talk to your husband and tell him how you feel, work together on resolving this now or things will only get worse. Good luck.

inishowen Tue 24-Sep-19 11:07:14

Dont sweat the small stuff. This is not worth the drama you're giving it. Let it go, move on. Dont make marriage such hard work.

specki4eyes Tue 24-Sep-19 11:10:48

Ignore him and get out fast. He's a 24 carat gold narcissist. His behaviour is called gaslighting. .Google it.

crazygranny Tue 24-Sep-19 11:17:18

Sorry but someone who can't recognise when they have behaved inappropriately and apologise once they're told that they have hurt someone else isn't on the level. Deflecting attention by criticising you is gaslighting - causing you to doubt yourself, especially by dragging a much loved child into this, doubles the hurt. Don't waste your time responding to his nonsense by trying to make sense of it. Next time, respond at the time and quietly tell him that what he said hurt your feelings and embarassed you and then walk away so you can't get drawn into a nasty situation. You'be both made your feelings plain only you have done so in a civilised and courteous fashion. Go to youtube and search for 'how to deal with a narcissist'. Doesn't call your feelings into question, just means you will feel empowered. His behaviour robbed you of that - take it back!!

Newatthis Tue 24-Sep-19 11:18:27

You have threatened to leave him and he's 'fine with that' then do it because clearly his indifference says it all on how he actually feels about you. Don't waste anymore of your life on this man even though you say you adore him. My mum used to say the better you treat a man/woman the worse he/she will treat you and throughout my life I saw examples of this with friends and relatives.