Loyalty

In my house we call it transference , because you called him out on his behaviour , he transferred it back to you . The comment he said to you , may not even been said . If it was he has probably dragged up from years ago . Probably be felt hurt about being called out and he wanted to get back you i think it worked . I wouldn't spend anymore time worrying about it .

I don't think you are over reacting at all. He certainly knows how to push buttons and can you believe him? I really think you need to toughen up, you are worth it, you are not someone who should be spoken to this way , no one is.

Just tell him what you think and that you are not standing for anymore of it. He is married to you, what your daughter does or act is really none of your business, she is an adult. So tell him where his loyalty should be.

Shocked by me, really? The problem is that we don't have the whole picture, do we? (We never do and only hear one side, edited.) We don't know why he spoke to her rudely in front of her son. There must have been a reason, surely?

Why do they 'have no friends'? Isn't that strange? A weak, meek, polite partner who never criticises is absolutely hopeless in mitigating the behaviour of their spouse. They can really go to extremes. Where's the normality, the reality check?

I'm shocked by some reactions, the ones that just assume she's perfect and he's at fault, therefore divorce him - crikey!

There'sca lit goung There's a lot going*

May I suggest therapy.
There'sca lit goung on under the surface that we don't know, not the full story anyway.
If he won't go with you then go on your own.
I get the feeling that you think your H and DD are ganging up on you or hiding things.
It might be that you are very sensitive. Some tips on self confidence might help and a therapist could point you in the right direction.
We only know your story so cannot make an honest and fair judgement.
As you know, there are two or more sides to this problem.

With you saying you have low self esteem could you be extra sensitive to any criticism of any kind. Unless you challenge your daughter on whether she is guilty you aren't really going to get to the bottom of who said what and why. Speak with DH not asking who, but just expressing how hurt you were and quite taken aback with his outburst and you want to draw a line under it. You also know he has lied to you in the past, why so concerned he may be lying about this latest problem.

I should have added that it's OK to give him a 'pass' but this time around only.
If he continues to be disrespectful and dismissive towards you, he will deserve a swift kick in his proverbial arse....but that will be up to you entirely!

This postis all about the effect the anxiety has on your life.

What did your dh say in front of your relatives?
It is important to know more details because this statement is too ambiguous.

Several red flags
1. You have low self esteem - what is your plan to address it?
2. You had an abusive marriage. Is your dd from that marriage?
3. You have no friends - you don't want friends or unable to make friends?
4. You thought you had the perfect life - i see some denial in this statement
How can you have the perfect life and you mention dh can be controlling?
5. Your dd's relationship is none of your business. It is a source of anxiety for you and you need to let it go. She is an adult.
6. You say you are used for babysiting.
You will feel bad when you are no longer needed.
How does your anxiety affect the kids?
7. Do not ever give ultimatums if you are not willing to follow through.
It makes you look like the boy who cried wolf and when you are serious, nobody will believe you
This applies to very big ultimatums that affect your life- separation is not a trivial thing to throw around

Take thee to therapy. You live in chaos right now. Address the red flags.

There's no need to declare WWIII here! You and your DH need to take a step back, take a deep breath and reach a much needed compromise.

Have a quiet conversation with DH letting him know why you're upset. Going forward, you both need to agree that you will be mindful about how and what you say to each other especially in front of others.
Second: DH needs to know that you are not 'telepathic'. If he's annoyed over something you might have done, how can you tell if he doesn't say anything about it to you? Likewise, you need to tell him why you are hurt and upset with him.
Third: That you both sort your marital issues in private, not fall into hearsay and never allow others to get involved without permission from both of you.

In my opinion, a lot of men cannot accept criticism. It sounds like he is deflecting. Why couldn't he just have said, "Oh, I'm very sorry I did that" instead of implying you have done the same thing.

I agree with CanadianGran. I have an anxiety disorder and this is what it is like. Getting panicky and, overthinking and not sleeping and then realising that it wasn't the end of the world. Everyone has an off day occasionally and says things out of turn.
If there is more to it than this, then you have a big decision to make but it is either a unpleasant comment that escalated or you have an underlying problem.
His comment that he is fine if you leave him sounds like a defensive reaction to you saying you were going to leave which would have been just as hurtful to him as his reply was to you.
No one can really tell from the outside but you have to calm yourself down first before you can decide.
It does sound like a relationship when you are not particularly kind to each other so it might be an idea to start from that point and try to have a chat without being defensive.

* Newtothis* I have never heard such rubbish. I find the kinder I am to all people the kinder they are to me. You must have a very sad life.

I too am shocked by Hetty’s post.

I agree with Miss Adventure it is no big deal, move on and continue to care for your family.

Two things ring warning bells for me: one is that you call yourself "Smedleyswife" on here. The other is that you have no friends beyond the family.

I am shocked by Hetty58's post.

She might benefit from being pulled up sometimes! OMG what decade are we living in?
She is a woman and and a human being she deserves respect.
You sounded really mean with that Hetty

One thing that did jump out to me OP is htat you are trying so hard to be there for everyone else.
I doubt you are being respected in return.

Please think about living life for you to enjoy. That doesn't mean being horribly selfish but you sound so alone and there is no-one in your corner.
I think a club or activity just for you would be a good step and make you less dependent emotionally on your family.
I know you mentioned anxiety but I have battled that all my life and I was always told to face my fear and this is what I keep in mind. Don't let nerves hold you back on everything.

Phew! Some really extreme advice!
If this is a one off, forgive, forget, maybe have a good chat when you are both in calmer moods.
If this is a regular occurrence or the final straw in a string of unsupportive, undermining behaviours, then maybe counselling is the next step.
Counselling seeks to look at feelings and behaviours from both sides in a calm, non accusatory manner. A chance for both of you to look at what you need from the relationship. A chance to decide if the relationship is worth working on.
No person is perfect or behaves in an ideal way all of the time. We all have our foibles, bad habits, annoying behaviours etc.
The question is, is the relationship worth working on despite all the above?
Sometimes my OH drives me mad, and I know I do the same to him. I love him and he loves me so we work together. We’re two different people who see things from different angles - it’s finding a way to sometimes mesh that’s important. That’s my take.!

If I'd have had a wet fish handy it would have gone round his chops. That would have brought him down to earth and made him sit up. This way teaches them that you're not under anyone's thumb and neither will you stand for being humiliated------do it back and shock him.

smedleyswife, do you really want a husband who never criticises, who walks on eggshells for fear of upsetting you? How boring! You don't mention what he was rude to you about. Maybe you were due the criticism? It might be that you benefit from being pulled up sometimes. I'd much rather hear the truth than be constantly pandered to!

To me too it sounds as if your husband answered as he did because he didn't want to admit that he had been in the wrong. Many men would have made a compleletely unjustified remark like that if they were drunk. Had your husband been drinking?

However, there are a couple of other explanations.

What is considered acceptable, unacceptable or rude does differ very much from one family or group of people to another, so your husband could have been hurt by something that you never meant to be hurtful. This has happened between my husband and me more than once and took time to sort out.

You said that your son and DIL were present when your husband spoke so rudely to you. I gather that you quite rightly waited to challenge him until they were gone.

Could you not tell either your son or DIL what you have told us here and ask them to be honest and tell you if they have ever heard you speak unkindly or rudely to your husband?

If he was just lashing out at you, then they will be able to tell you that that is exactly what his remark was. If, on the other hand, you unintentionally have spoken less then nicely to him, you will be able to find out what he meant.

Either way, please do not let this escalate any further. To me, it isn't the kind of thing that should ever have been allowed to result in your neither speaking to each other, or sleeping together, unless of course it is the final straw that has broken the camel's back and you are intending to divorce.

When you're having a row and the other person (who you're still mad at) threatens to leave, you say 'Fine, go ahead, leave!' but you don't really mean it.

To be honest, if something like this can upset you so much, there is either something deeply wrong with your relationship or you are overthinking. If he talks badly to you often whilst in company, then it needs sorting out. But a one-off? The reaction seems somewhat extreme.
Are you really saying that not repeating something hurtful your daughter said about you is keeping a secret from you? Unless he wanted to change your behaviour, what would be the point of telling you?
Does he deflect criticism often with accusations about your behaviour so that you do not concentrate on his faults? If so, that is gaslighting. If not, on a one off basis or rare occasion, he can hardly be labelled as a narcissist . We probably all have narcissistic traits but that is a far cry from being a narcissist. However, on this forum, that diagnosis is often made.

Personally my 1st step would be to ask DD if she thought that you spoke down to him in general and get her perspective, then dependant on her answer would determine my next step. If she says yes, then that’s something for you and DH to talk about. If she says no, then he has lied to you, so you need to look at the bigger picture here, few friends etc and maybe have some counselling to see if you are being manipulated. If he won’t go, then go alone as it sounds like you have low self esteem going on here too. Always remember that your thoughts and feelings are 100% equal to his and you are entitled to consideration and respect too.

I'm hearing alarm bells: ' We don’t have any friends'.

That's not normal. Please consider discussing the whole situation with someone outside the family (and I don't just mean on Gransnet)

Could you not see it as another way. He was protecting you from feeling hurt by your daughters words. Yes it came out during conflict, but unless you have other problems with your relationship with him, is it really worth the aggravation ?

Storm in a teacup imo,sleeping separately makes matters worse and rather churlish.
I suggest moving on and let it pass,you are 60ish for goodness sake not teenagers looking to score points in "he said she said"