Loyalty

My sympathy to smedleys wife, do not be put down by this man, try to be assertive.I live with such a man and it really does get me down at times,I know exactly how you feel, but do not let him destroy you.
Sending hugs

My DH does this. When we bicker and row (which we do a lot) he says, 'You criticise me but there is so much I could say about you that I just don't.'

When I challenge him to be honest, to say what he means and to let me either defend myself from the accusations or modify my behaviour, he refuses to say anything.

My reply is that if he will not be upfront with what dissatisfies him then that is his problem to deal with, not mine. Apart from anything else there is always a strong chance that, in such a case, that he is making it up. 'I know what I know but I am not telling you,' is vague nonsense.

In my husband's case, he will not come out with that which annoys him because he knows I am clever and rational and that he will not make any criticism stick. Of course, were I in the wrong, I'd apologise and he knows it. In a way, his vague accusations are a kind of sulk where he is trying to gain the higher moral ground but without any evidence or right to hold it.

It sounds, OP, that you are in a quandrary. You are a nice person and you are being taken advantage of by a bullying other. You will either have to grow an armadillo shell against your DH (and DD) or give some ultimatums about the behaviour of those with whom you live along the lines of, 'Put up or shut up.'

It's a normal response to be defensive when criticised. Your hubby was just lashing out. Cut yourselves some slack, it's not worth the drama n angst. My advice is to forgive n move on.

Is he usually good to you and are you usually happy with him?

If not, think about leaving him perhaps.

If he's usually all right to you, perhaps do as some posters have suggested and try to put it behind you. Maybe try and talk to him and suggest you both talk reasonably to each other in private and certainly in public.

First of, you are worth loving ok? I always get a big piece of paper and write pros and cons on it, Sometime it is obvious what you must do. Would it be worth speaking to your GP about help with your anxiety and self esteem?
Maybe if you felt better about yourself, this wouldn't have escalated and made you feel like this? Take care xx

I’m from the states and have a different view. I’ve been married to a narcissistic man for 45 years that thinks he is knows all. And I took it for 40 years before I said ENOUGH! When he made a rude and embarrassing remark about me to friends at our home, I started looking around, in the trash bin, the cupboards just everywhere until someone asked what I was looking for. I told them I was looking for the person my husband was speaking to because surely he wasn’t speaking to ME. Everyone got a laugh out of it and things moved on. When they left I confronted my husband and told him I would no longer tolerate the way he spoke to me in private or public when the mood was on him and that there would be consequences. It works about 85% of the time. Instead of turning this into a battle of wills try standing up for yourself, letting this one go but tell him there will be consequences if it happens again. You have already lost this one.

To be perfectly honest I think you need to find something worthwhile to worry about. I can’t believe you’re letting this fester so much. Most families are dysfunctional so don’t worry about that and maybe your daughter did say it but we all say stuff in the heat of the moment or when we’re in a bad mood. Try not to get so het up about it.

I so believe in Karma, in days gone by, I have been hurt by my husband. Other women involved when he worked in America for 3 months throughout the Summer. I was left home with kids. Could not hold down a job in the Summer holidays. My works pension on hold. He left home, we separated, he wanted a divorce, I want half the house and half pension. He gave me the house, then he died. I got his house and pension x

I would tell him that you are going to ask each and everyone of them and if he is lying to you then tell them he’s lying about them . Revenge is a dish best served cold .

It’s good to hear you are communicating effectively. All relationships need that as a tool for survival. Good luck for the future x

Pleased to hear that you have had a discussion with a view to resolving this. I recognized this diversion technique in my controlling ex son-in-law.

I think we are all entitled to an opinion and that is often based on our own life experience. However I do think we should treat each other gently and never type things we wouldn't say to someone's face. (this is in reply to OPs recent and not original comment!).

Why don’t either of you have any friends? Any family can get mired in this sort of unhealthy situation when all your efforts are concentrated on each other- get out - join a club - join U3A - learn a new skill - take some exercise - give yourselves something else to talk about!??

Smedley'swife....

It's gratifying to know that you had a talk with DH and that things are moving forward. Open, honest communication is always the best approach. Wishing you much happines and all the best

I am sorry you feel like this smedleyswife and I very rarely criticise other posters but really someone saying that if you are nice to some one you will be treated badly is nonsense.

I am, however, pleased you have sorted it out.
I have been married 50 years and do not argue often but when we have it is when my DH felt threatened and lashed out. When things settled down we would talk it out and sort it out.
I wish you well.

By critizing, you mean disagreeing with the opinion on one poster and giving reasons why the other poster does not agree?

Hi I thought the posts which were criticising other contributors opinions were rude. This is a great forum for advice to put things into perspective but some of the opinions are quite intense

OP I hope you do return to this forum

You may not want to ask for advice again but please do feel welcome to join in on threads you find interesting.

I suppose we all say things in the heat of the moment that are either mostly untrue or exaggerated.

However, I think his response to you was unfair. You told him to his face that you felt he had spoken very rudely to you in front of your family, and had humiliated and embarrassed you. I think if that is how you felt, you had a right to tell him that.

He also had the right to say he felt you behaved in a similar way sometimes. But to drag other unnamed people into his allegation was, I think, unfair. It has left you wondering who made such comments, causing you to suspect other members of your family and undermine your relationship with them.

I'm not sure how to advise you, except to say that if in most other respects you have a reasonably good marriage, I think I would try to overlook it rather than let it eat away at your relationship. I don't, though, think you should apologise for expressing how you felt about the way he had spoken to you.

Clarify sorry

OP,

Could you please clarity which posts you found not helpful and rude?

Newatthis, it works the other way round too - which was my point exactly! Nobody should recommend leaving or divorce without the full picture - it's just ridiculous!

On a more positive note, we have sat and spoken to each other in reasonable tones and discussed at length our issues and are developing a strategy to resolve the situation. To an extent we are all narcissistic and deflectors but love will get us through this

Wow, lots of comments on here; some balanced arguments, sensible suggestions and a fair amount of anti men vibes. I’m not sure I would seek advice from here again given the rudeness some contributors have to others. I would suggest that all helpful comments are welcome and contributors are entitled to their opinion but criticising and ridiculing each other is very poor practice

How right you are Newatthis.... my mum said the same...and in my case it’s proved true. I’ve treated mine with kid gloves for 47 years... the result is he trampled over my feelings and has ruined my peace of mind. I can’t go...but you can. GO...and go now!