Loyalty

With you saying you have low self esteem could you be extra sensitive to any criticism of any kind. Unless you challenge your daughter on whether she is guilty you aren't really going to get to the bottom of who said what and why. Speak with DH not asking who, but just expressing how hurt you were and quite taken aback with his outburst and you want to draw a line under it. You also know he has lied to you in the past, why so concerned he may be lying about this latest problem.

May I suggest therapy.
There'sca lit goung on under the surface that we don't know, not the full story anyway.
If he won't go with you then go on your own.
I get the feeling that you think your H and DD are ganging up on you or hiding things.
It might be that you are very sensitive. Some tips on self confidence might help and a therapist could point you in the right direction.
We only know your story so cannot make an honest and fair judgement.
As you know, there are two or more sides to this problem.

There'sca lit goung There's a lot going*

Shocked by me, really? The problem is that we don't have the whole picture, do we? (We never do and only hear one side, edited.) We don't know why he spoke to her rudely in front of her son. There must have been a reason, surely?

Why do they 'have no friends'? Isn't that strange? A weak, meek, polite partner who never criticises is absolutely hopeless in mitigating the behaviour of their spouse. They can really go to extremes. Where's the normality, the reality check?

I'm shocked by some reactions, the ones that just assume she's perfect and he's at fault, therefore divorce him - crikey!

I don't think you are over reacting at all. He certainly knows how to push buttons and can you believe him? I really think you need to toughen up, you are worth it, you are not someone who should be spoken to this way , no one is.

Just tell him what you think and that you are not standing for anymore of it. He is married to you, what your daughter does or act is really none of your business, she is an adult. So tell him where his loyalty should be.

In my house we call it transference , because you called him out on his behaviour , he transferred it back to you . The comment he said to you , may not even been said . If it was he has probably dragged up from years ago . Probably be felt hurt about being called out and he wanted to get back you i think it worked . I wouldn't spend anymore time worrying about it .

How right you are Newatthis.... my mum said the same...and in my case it’s proved true. I’ve treated mine with kid gloves for 47 years... the result is he trampled over my feelings and has ruined my peace of mind. I can’t go...but you can. GO...and go now!

Wow, lots of comments on here; some balanced arguments, sensible suggestions and a fair amount of anti men vibes. I’m not sure I would seek advice from here again given the rudeness some contributors have to others. I would suggest that all helpful comments are welcome and contributors are entitled to their opinion but criticising and ridiculing each other is very poor practice

On a more positive note, we have sat and spoken to each other in reasonable tones and discussed at length our issues and are developing a strategy to resolve the situation. To an extent we are all narcissistic and deflectors but love will get us through this

Newatthis, it works the other way round too - which was my point exactly! Nobody should recommend leaving or divorce without the full picture - it's just ridiculous!

OP,

Could you please clarity which posts you found not helpful and rude?

Clarify sorry

I suppose we all say things in the heat of the moment that are either mostly untrue or exaggerated.

However, I think his response to you was unfair. You told him to his face that you felt he had spoken very rudely to you in front of your family, and had humiliated and embarrassed you. I think if that is how you felt, you had a right to tell him that.

He also had the right to say he felt you behaved in a similar way sometimes. But to drag other unnamed people into his allegation was, I think, unfair. It has left you wondering who made such comments, causing you to suspect other members of your family and undermine your relationship with them.

I'm not sure how to advise you, except to say that if in most other respects you have a reasonably good marriage, I think I would try to overlook it rather than let it eat away at your relationship. I don't, though, think you should apologise for expressing how you felt about the way he had spoken to you.

OP I hope you do return to this forum

You may not want to ask for advice again but please do feel welcome to join in on threads you find interesting.

Hi I thought the posts which were criticising other contributors opinions were rude. This is a great forum for advice to put things into perspective but some of the opinions are quite intense

By critizing, you mean disagreeing with the opinion on one poster and giving reasons why the other poster does not agree?

I am sorry you feel like this smedleyswife and I very rarely criticise other posters but really someone saying that if you are nice to some one you will be treated badly is nonsense.

I am, however, pleased you have sorted it out.
I have been married 50 years and do not argue often but when we have it is when my DH felt threatened and lashed out. When things settled down we would talk it out and sort it out.
I wish you well.

Smedley'swife....

It's gratifying to know that you had a talk with DH and that things are moving forward. Open, honest communication is always the best approach. Wishing you much happines and all the best

Why don’t either of you have any friends? Any family can get mired in this sort of unhealthy situation when all your efforts are concentrated on each other- get out - join a club - join U3A - learn a new skill - take some exercise - give yourselves something else to talk about!??

I think we are all entitled to an opinion and that is often based on our own life experience. However I do think we should treat each other gently and never type things we wouldn't say to someone's face. (this is in reply to OPs recent and not original comment!).

Pleased to hear that you have had a discussion with a view to resolving this. I recognized this diversion technique in my controlling ex son-in-law.

It’s good to hear you are communicating effectively. All relationships need that as a tool for survival. Good luck for the future x

I would tell him that you are going to ask each and everyone of them and if he is lying to you then tell them he’s lying about them . Revenge is a dish best served cold .

I so believe in Karma, in days gone by, I have been hurt by my husband. Other women involved when he worked in America for 3 months throughout the Summer. I was left home with kids. Could not hold down a job in the Summer holidays. My works pension on hold. He left home, we separated, he wanted a divorce, I want half the house and half pension. He gave me the house, then he died. I got his house and pension x

To be perfectly honest I think you need to find something worthwhile to worry about. I can’t believe you’re letting this fester so much. Most families are dysfunctional so don’t worry about that and maybe your daughter did say it but we all say stuff in the heat of the moment or when we’re in a bad mood. Try not to get so het up about it.