threatening son

Sorry to OP who is going through this.

mumofmadboys....are you a drugs counsellor? I should be very careful making those assertions.

Research shows that 10% of regular cannabis users become dependent on it. Your risk of getting addicted is higher if you start using it in your teens or use it every day

From an NHS website.

Just a point if he is bi polar he still needs professional medical help and as soon as possible Ifs he’s bi polar and a drug addict you have a hard road ahead but nothing can be worse than what you are living through
I totally understand why you don’t kick him out
?

OP, I suggest you demand a home visit from a GP ASAP and contact your local MH crisis team.

Up until his early twenties he was a pilar of a son vey thoughtful loving and caring.
I suspect I cannot accept that this is hard drugs and no
I will not allow him to smoke cannabis in my house
Although I have known him to smoke it in the garden as I have come home and smelt it (he denies this) but I am not stupid.
I don't know where it went wrong but it did and yes omitting is causing this........
he does have a very difficult personality and it is becoming abusive I know I have to act here and I will.....
Other family members have had enough but we all feel we need to keep an eye on him (which means at my house at the moment) My DH feels the same and he continues to treat him like nothing and his behaviour can feel very controlling.
The loud outbursts are awful and the threats are incredibly defeating.
to stick up for ourselves and retaliate only makes things worse.
I have googled support support group but slightly afraid of being recognised in my local area as I feel so ashamed about the whole situation.
Do I let him destroy everything
Do I support him even if I know his behaviour is wrong there really is no medico and no reasoning with him no matter what.
I so want to help him id love my old son back and just some times but very rarely I see some of that - how can that be??? what happens on those rare occasions???

sent you pm

He is an adult and has his own home. However in your desire to help him he has become dependent on you. He is able to act as a teenager and not deal with the consequences of his actions. Seems to me that it's time he moved back into his own home and took responsibility for his life. When things are calm perhaps you could discuss with him when he intends to get more on.

Dear Val I am sorry that you have to deal with this heartbreaking situation.

Adfam is an organisation that supports families and they have forums which may also be helpful to you because all the posters have had similar problems. Here is the link:

adfam.org.uk/help-for-families/finding-support/forum

Contact your local drug and alcohol services, you need help and that means setting aside fear of stigma or knowing someone. You are bound to find more support and help there than judgment.

Best wishes in your quest to find a way out

val My heart is sore for you. You have had some good advice. I will add - if the neighbours can hear he arguments then the problem will be known. If you go to support groups and are recognised it will be by people who understand, are going through the same and will be your allies. If this continues, one of your neighbours may call the police in fear for you so perhaps I would be better for you to take that into consideration and have a plan. Could your son go to his own flat (police would help as this is domestic abuse?) and you take food twice a week and do his laundry on the understanding that he stays away for your home. Could you meet him somewhere neutral? You definitely need outside support but come here to off load for your own sak and for wise words and kindness. ? for you.

Typos would not correct today ???

It sounds to me as if there is far more than smoking weed going on.

Unless there's a drastic change here I can only see a downward spiral beyond anyone's control.

If that was me I'd wait until his next outburst and threats then phone the police ! Hard, I know but if he gets "whisked away" to a night in the cells there's a possibility of him getting help from there.

I really think that you need to relinquish responsibility for his actions back to him. He is quite capable of looking after himself. At the moment it does seem as if you are facilitating his behaviour. It's down to him, not yet, to make changes.

A familiar situation in my family, my son is 52 and smoked a lot of weed at university which appears to have destabilised his mental health. He has never held down a job. His marriage failed quickly and he lost access to his child because his son did not want to see him. He rejected his sister when she tried to help. However he now lives in a small flat near me and lives on benefits because he has been assessed as unable to work. He is managing his life competently with a degree of independance. It is not the life I envisiged for him but I am hopeful that he is content.

As long as you are supporting this man he will not take responsibility for himself.

The trouble with cannabis it can trigger mental health issues even if he stopped tomorrow and got cleaned he could still have these same issues.

Surely you can only do so much before you start putting yourself first.

I’m in the same boat but my son also does coke now. I find he is calm and hungry when he has weed, angry when he doesn’t have any but when he is on a ‘come down’ from coke he is horrendous...doesn’t eat or sleep for a couple of days and is unbearably nasty and violent. Unfortunately until a person can see what they are doing to themselves they cannot change, we have had a lightbulb moment a couple of weeks ago and had 4 days drug free but fell off the wagon spectacularly last night (now regretting it) so hopefully my son has turned a corner and yours will too some day xx

jishere exactly cannabis if itself can be ok but heavy use or use by someone already bordering on mental health problems can tip them over
I don’t think you should throw him out but you clearly need help and support immediately Do not feel worried about stigma this can happen in any family from the highest to the the lowest This will not be an unusual problem it will be something that’s been heard a million times before
FORGET stigma FORGET shame seek professional help first thing Monday morning and share this burden with someone who knows how to help you

If he has his own flat, part of his Universal Credit will be paying for at least part, if not all of his rent. If he is not living in the flat, he will not be entitled to that part of UC and will only be entitled to his personal allowance.
At 37 he really is responsible for himself, supposedly but the fact that he has lost his job as well as relationship will not be helping with his mental state and whoever said that marijuana does not affect people psychologically really has no idea of what they are talking about!
I have seen so many people start on this stuff before moving on to other drugs as after a while the marijuana no longer gives them the feeling they expect, so move on to something else that does.
You need to seek help and support for yourself and your husband first of all from Talk to Frank an NHS support system or AdFam. They should give you the advice and support for you all.

I’m no expert but my instinct on this situation is that your son has some degree of emotional or psychological problem and that the drug use is self medication. He needs to get to the bottom of what troubling him. ( you may have some ideas on that ) but understanding sauce you must get help as this is unacceptable behaviour.

Awful awful situation my heart goes out to you n your husband I think I would go to the drs myself and ask about drug support groups what is available, I bet a pound to a penny he wouldn’t go, you desperately need help as well as he does, also look online for drug support groups and start there

Hi Val05

I am so sorry that this is happening to you and your family. I had to reply because your story was so similar to my own.

My son too changed his whole character whilst smoking cannabis. He went from a loving, caring and unassuming chap to someone who was unrecognisable. Anger was a big issue where it really didn't exist before.

I can sit here and type an essay, no a book, on the incidents and events that happened during this time. It eventually took a toll on my own mental health as I felt, as I suspect that you are feeling right now, very helpless.

The things that we did that were positive (and believe me, there were a lot of things we did that turned out to me negative). Firstly, we found him accommodation in a Christian run lodge. They were able to give my son, when he was ready to, help with his addiction(s). He would listen to them when he wouldn't listen to "Mum and Dad" even if it was the same advice. It helped. It also meant that him leaving home was much more controlled that just throwing him out. I also knew he was safe.
Secondly, my husband and myself attended a group for people who had an addict in their lives. I understand the embarrassment you may have in telling friends and family but this group are set up so that you can express your feelings. We found it very supportive.
Thirdly, when my son had moved out, we met him on neutral ground. So we were always in contact, even though a great many of well-meaning friends told us to just "cut him off". Like you, I never could. I still loved my son no matter what. If you meet on neutral ground, there is less opportunity for raised voices/anger etc. Also, in my son's case, when he was at home, he would use the opportunity to steal what he could to fund his habit. I found that never giving him money too was to best thing. I was happy to order him a supermarket shop but money would only ever be spent on one thing.

Long story short, over many years, we had times when he appeared to be cured on his addiction but would always return BUT he did do it in the end. For the last 5 years, my son has returned to his old self. Now his only addiction is gardening. He is getting married soon and now, my relationship with him is very normal. For a long time, I was extremely careful in what I said to him and felt as though I was tip-toeing around him but now it's just like a normal Mum/son relationship. Sure we have our ups and downs but by and large it's really good.

So, I understand this place you are in at the moment Val05. I wish you weren't there but there is help and support and most of all hope.

I wish you well. Take care.

I must admit, I've never known marijuana affect them the way your son is affected. It does sound much more likely that if he is bipolar that this could be the cause of his behaviour. Or could he be using stronger recreational drugs that you don't know about?
Obviously there is treatment for bipolar, if only you can get him to see a doctor.
You really do have a lot on your plate, I hope you find a solution somehow.

My impression is that (because he IS your son) you are 'excusing' this behaviour as a result of the hash. His drugs are his business (but not while in your property). BUT his behaviour is not tolerable. You and DH need to agree that you exclude him from your property when behaviour unacceptable. - Sorry this is firm but you have to think of yourselves and your future.

Cannabis invariably leads to harder drugs.
Did he have bi-polar first ? Or has his drug-taking caused a bi-polar-type illness.
Schizophrenics are/can be violent without prescribed medication. ( Personality issues )

Im sorry but marijuana is addictive. I know many people will not agree with that statement but it is. Unfortunately, this situation will not change if you keep giving into his demands and sadly, it will only get worse. I do hope you are not allowing him to smoke this in your home. If he is you need to tell him it is not acceptable. This is a situation where you need professional help, marijuana can be the gateway to other drug use. GP is your first stop, you may need to say to your son that if he refuses to get help he needs to find another place to live. I know this is hard but if you let him continue with these behaviours, the situation will get worse and your lives will be hell. The biggest difficulty you have, is he needs to face up to being an addict and having a problem. I know many here wont agree with me, but this is the best I can offer. Good luck whatever you decide to do.