Mother-in-law stopping by unannounced

You could have said then," no you wont im afraid,im busy later,and anyway,ive seen you now!" They dont know you dont like this unless you TELL THEM!

Thank you. Breastfed on demand is challenging, and I'm happy to do it! But I know they are chomping at the bit to get at my child because they were probably hoping for an every day visit due to the proximity. It just doesnt work for me and I find it hard to negotiate their needs, my needs and the baby's needs.

Oh sorry..it's not obvious. But I wrote in another response that last night I set up a visit for them to come to hold the baby while I clean upstairs
I don't really need this to happen..it's more to make them feel involved.

I appreciate your response. Yes, they are all italian. We live in Italy . I'm north american. I'll have my husband talk to them if necessary. I'm hoping it doesn't come to this.

Horrific pasta behaviour! No! My MIL isn't that bad, thank GOD!

Hard for you. I think it is a cultural clash. But not just Italian. In Irish and Scottish Highland societies anyone could drop by at any time to ceilidh with you. And it was an absolute imperative to show hospitality in your own home. There was nothing you could do about it. In fact it would be very strange to be invited anywhere. I don’t think it would ever happen. Of course it could be a pain. My mother or aunt would say, “Who’s this now coming in here?” But then you would be all smiles and welcome. Even in the city, you had to be ready at all times in case someone came on you. My mother would have tins in a cupboard in case someone came on her. I knew it well among the London Irish. It is a lovely thing in a way. There was also a lot of ritual around refusing food and pressing food on people. How often they had to refuse and you had to press. When I was a child I was a poor eater and ritual eating weighed hard on me. The world has changed. I missed it for a time. But now I am glad. It is a relief. You will have to do something but you risk really hurting your mother in law. But good luck.

The in-laws will care for her part time but right now they are anxious to see her and I totally understand that.

Lovely reading about the old days. I do understand the idea of being prim and proper, but it's just stifling. If not your own home, where can you relax and be at peace?

Thank you.

Ultimately it doesn't matter what anyone else on here (or elsewhere) does or doesn't do, this arrangement isn't working for you.

I agree with you - it must be incredibly stifling to have someone at your door all the time, especially if you don't come from a culture or family where that's the norm. Whilst you might be living in Italy you are a foreigner, and it's important for both parties to be respectful of each other's cultural norms and meet somewhere in the middle whenever possible - otherwise resentment will build and it will become a far bigger issue.

I hope you can work out a compromise - would some sort of sign on the door which would let them know if you're up for visitors work, perhaps? Hopefully they will understand (or at least, try to understand!) that you don't want their company at that particular time, but you still love them and want them to be in your lives - you just need a bit of space. There's a vast middle ground between that and not having any babysitters because you've somehow alienated them! Good luck

As both a MILs and a DILs, I think us on Gransnet are in a much more unique position than those on Mumsnet to give advice. We have lived it.
You have just not long given birth and so therefore are coping with a lot of change, physically and mentally. You love your MIL and that’s a great start, but if after the last ‘ telling’ they persist, I think you need to tell it how it is to them. Start by being totally honest and say that much as you love them you need time to be alone. Cry if necessary. Italians cry. They understand crying....they still might well be hurt.

OR you can examine your own feelings of irritation and annoyance and be congruent. Don’t feel guilty about not getting up, or answering the door, if you can’t .......and Relax, Relax, don’t worry so much about routine. Give them the baby to take for walks and put your feet up. You seem so pent up and fraught ( understandably)
When I read the jealous vitriol against MILs on Mumsnet it’s a crying shame, as surely the more people who love your child the better. You sound like a lovely person ....but could your present mood be getting things out of proportion ? Hugs

It’s really hard for us whose kids are grown up to remember how exhausting having a new baby is because of the 24 hour needs and sleep disruption. The OP needs rest during the day and the only time she can get that is when baby is sleeping.
OP can you invent a “doctor’s recommendation” that you be left undisturbed either for the whole morning or for the whole afternoon? Share with your MIL that regretfully the Doctor says you’d benefit from having a stretch of time each day when you can guarantee you won’t be disturbed. Say 9-12 or 2-5 or whatever. If she rings the doorbell in those hours you won’t answer it. (Pretend you were deeply asleep if she protests)
And get some voile panels on your front windows.

And what janeayressister said 100%

I may have misunderstood your post janeayressister but it's very prossible, and highly probable, that the OP is telling it as she feels it, regardless of whether or not she has a baby. I'd feel pent up and fraught if I had my MIL at my door all the time, even after I'd asked her not to - and my DC are 22, 20 and 12! It's really the height of rudeness not to accept a polite request from someone to limit visits.

They are too much. They are very lucky they are so close but they are intrusive (with all the best intentions) You might start to resent them and it will get harder to enjoy their company. I see no issues with setting boundaries.

It's just a culture clash and perhaps Naty is feeling tired and sensitive with a four month old to care for. Perhaps she sometimes likes an afternoon nap too!

I have keys but, obviously, I do knock and wait first - it's polite. It's rather different, though, as she's my own daughter and I have her full permission to barge in!

If I let myself in, I shout 'Hello' but wouldn't go upstairs, just into the kitchen to make tea. (There's no adult nudity or sex in there, as far as I know!) She has keys for here and would do exactly the same, too.

If she is feeling tired and sensitive then all the more reason for the MIL to back off, especially as she’s already been asked.

Possibly I’m looking at this from a different angle to most but as a mil to 3 dil and 1 sil I find it really annoying that the advice always seems to be to get partners to speak to their parents. It has happened very occasionally to me maybe 5 times over 20/25 years in total but can’t understand why my dil’s cant speak to me direct. It feels like they have been discussing me behind my back which isn’t good. If there is a problem why not say to your mil “could you not visit in the mornings (for instance) or not before 2pm or whatever. I personally would not have a problem with this at all but would be a wee bit upset if my ds or dd asked it on their partners behalf

It looks like your in-laws have different expectation of what a family is. In a way, by agreeing to accept their money and buying a house close to them, you sent a clear message that they're welcome. Sadly, they are not.
My DH is Italian, and I wish we lived close to my in-laws for them to have a closer bond with my DC. My younger DS commented once how much he'd love to live in the same town as his grandparents, like "normal people" (his words, not mine).

It's a cultural thing so you will be the unusual one if you try to change it. When in Rome...!

Hi Naty, I’m sure that you will get the In Laws to understand your boundaries, if you make it plain what they are and stick with them.
When my daughter had her last baby, she had the doors locked and the curtains closed all day for about 12 months.
You could visit but only if arranged by text first, I don’t mean days before, even 5 mins before to check if convenient.
What I would do is next time you visit them, make a point of saying, see you Tuesday or whatever and also tell them that if the blinds are closed it will be because you and baby are napping or feeding on the bed. Then keep them closed all day when you’re in, until your husband gets home.
Good luck with it all.

Not long ago my grandsons were playing at elder boys' friend's house. They have a small dog who has been looked after with no problem by my DD and family whilst owners were away, with no problem.

Whilst the 3 boys were playing in the living room this friendly and well behaved small dog bit younger grandson's cheek , very very close to his eye. The owner was there, but not in the room and I suspect that maybe it got a bit overexcited or one boy may have unwittingly done something to provoke it. To cut the story short, the face has healed and no damage to the eye but it was a very traumatic emergency .
Just about all companies, schools, clubs etc have to do risk assessments these days. If someone did a risk assessment on a household with 2 small and 2 very large dogs, plus cat and 2 very small children, it would very definitely not look good.

Your daughter must grit her teeth, put the safety of her children first , and put her energy into finding the best possible way of re-homing those dogs.

OH FLOP! I've posted on the wrong thread! SORRY!!

I personally think you are so lucky to have such amazing in-laws but I guess we’re all different and we should all respect that what’s good for one etc. Hope you can come to an understanding that suits both you and your in-laws.

Italians behave like that they think it’s normal. Take care Mum in law does not think you are weird laying down visiting rules. You will need them later.
If she walks passed she will always call. Go out a bit more. Even leave the baby with her and get your hair done, You need this woman.
I had postnatal depression and my mother in law never checked on me . I wish she had it might have stopped me being so ill.