Mother-in-law stopping by unannounced

My MIL checking in on me every day after I'd just had my first baby would have made me ill! Everyone is different.

Only do what you want to do OP - they've been asked nicely and they're basically sticking 2 fingers up to you as they put their wants and needs before yours. That's not a kind or considerate way to behave with family.

I remember bursting into tears because I just managed to get myself and a newborn to sleep and I was such a light sleeper the postman putting letters through woke me up. New mums shouldn't feel under pressure to entertain guests.

If you don't want to openly discuss the problem you are having with your MIL then get your husband to do it.
Surely he knows what she is like if not then tell him.

My dear MIL was in her eighties and lived quite far away. The kids absolutely loved her. She'd sit on the floor playing Lego with them and had endless patience! She wanted us to move in with her but my husband preferred his own home so, unfortunately, we only saw her every few weeks.

Quite a lot of responses Naty. Many stressing the cultural differences. Agree and I can see both sides.

I wouldn't do anything at the moment though. You are a new mum and stressed enough without the stress of possible huffs going on (or worse). I am thinking maybe just go about your daily work as if they aren't there? Also, leave to go where you are going to at the time you planned - don't put anything off. Make use of them at every opportunity - hand baby over and go up for a leisurely bath? Put your make up on etc then say bye see you later (As you say they have an active life themselves, perhaps if they are late going to where they are 'passing' to may make them think twice about calling at all? - just a thought) don't start changing anything about you or your plans, for your in-laws. If you are in bed - stay in bed.

Perhaps THEY feel if they don't pop in they may be neglecting their duties in some way? Seems also you do want the convenience of them being so near but only when it suits you? Not wrong at all but obviously they don't understand. So, if you are not prepared to move, you may have to be prepared to accept mum as she is? Hopefully the novelty will wear off and once you are feeling better, maybe it won't seem so bad?

Good luck - I can assure you by time baby 2 arrives you will feel very differently

Yes! There definitely room for space and compromise. I'll never alienate them. I love them! Plus, his mom wouldn't allow that! She and her own MIL were not on good terms..but it was the MIL who.was very mean to her.

Yes! Two fingers, indeed! I hope they've got the message!

Thank you.

Thank you. I'll get hubby on it if need be.

Yes, I can admit that I would like to have visits and outings that are mutually agreed to. That being said, we jump whenever they need us (drives to hospital, clearing leaves, help with dishes after their big parties with their friends). I don't mind using them every now and then...but I always call and ask first and never assume they'll be free. Today I asked MIL to come and hold the baby for an hour so I could clean. It was the first time I asked for babysitting since she's been born. She's four months now. I don't exploit them .

I loved my grandmas!

How I understand you.

I think they're unsure of how to navigate this situation because I dont ask for help like their daughter did with her kids. So they probably don't know how to handle not seeing my baby every day while she's so close distance-wise. I just don't want resentment to build in me feeling that I owe them a visit every day. My time with my child is precious too...

Yes, I was pent up and fraught. Less so now after all of this support, the support of my family and *maybe understanding from MIL. Time will tell... I am thankful for your response.

Great idea about the doctor! But...she works FOR the town doctor who is 200 meters from my house!!!! In any case, I'd want to be honest with her and not make anything up. Thank you for your response.

Yes, I'd actually accept a visit every day from them..that's not an issue. I want them to call me to see if it's a good time before walking over and monopolizing my time at inconvenient moments. The popping in randomly at any time is the issue.

I'm lucky to be so close to them. And they are lucky to be close to us too. I agree, I have to make sure these limits are understood.

Oh yes...the entire front of the house is lined with Windows...i couldn't hide if I tried. And curtains would just limit my light and give me post partum depression

I definitely wouldn't ask my husband to say something. His mother would be so hurt.

Me neither annep

And, having experience of Italian and very similar mothers and boys - do not try to come between them!
It takes some boys a long time to loosen the apron strings and best to use more subtle methods

What would you suggest?

Speaking from experience I totally agree Callistemon.
* Naty* I think there have been quite a few good suggestions already. I'm not sure I can add anything. I'm sure some of them will help.

Wow, not helpful.

You are clearly appreciative and kind towards your inlaws. They need to respect your privacy boundaries. You are not being unreasonable.
Where is your DH in all of this?
Maybe have another chat with DH present and explain popping in and peering through windows has to stop.
You are feeling uncomfortable in your own home .
They obviously love you, lm sure they will want to put this right.
Wishing you well.

excellent advice from you Jura 2 ,i also think that if she did not call ,you might think differently ,,a doting grandma ,you are lucky