Mother-in-law stopping by unannounced

Putting up a sign, to me, says that they are fine to keep stopping by whenever the sign is not out. It doesn’t reinforce the behaviour you want. Which is a call or text before a visit

I guess she's just lonely... they are very active and always looking for something to do!

True

Don’t get me wrong, I think you’re very kind. I don’t think that should stop.

You just need to reclaim your space and time. Some people love constant company. Others, like me, really struggle with it. I’m absolutely Coming at this from an introverted bias.

I'm afraid my husband won't be tactful...but you're right. He probably will be able to get the message across better than I can...

I'm a slight extrovert, but I'm very reflective and I enjoy being alone too! I do not like surprises or unpredictable things happening, but I can be spontaneous, for sure. It just has to be thoughtful.

I'd feel too bad doing that.

Well...we'll see if she does it again...but at this point I don't even want to invite them over because she'll find an excuse to drop by earlier and check in... like "see you later!" ...ugh... I wish this wasn't so difficult ...

Were you able to speak to your MIL today? How did it go?

I never spoke with her, as she never appeared. I'm thinking she's going to the every other day schedule. I'll call them over in the afternoon if they are up for a visit. But I'll hold off speaking to them until the next pop up. I'll get my husband to talk to them.

We have a family chat on WhatsApp and all of my family members agree with gentle nudging instead of being too direct. They love my in-laws! They say she'd take it better from my husband. I'll update this thread if there are new developments.

And yes, even sitting on the couch this morning, I was expecting a knock on the window behind me... disturbing...

I must have visiting PTSD!

She probably feels a bit embarrassed about having overstepped before. She'll get over it, you all will.

I wish you luck Naty.

It just makes me sad thinking of you sitting on your own couch being tense

All sounds a bit tense really for all of you. It is hard to know exactly who is at 'fault' in all honestly. We only have posts to go on. This may sound harsh and many may disagree with me but I do tend to think if you want to be independent it may have been a poor decision to accept, what you describe as a large amount of money from them. I think this most probably gave the impression you were happy to have them involved in your life. I have always found when going to other countries the 'family' consists of a few generations. They all spend a lot of time together involved in one and other's life. They certainly have a lot of good points. Maybe try to encourage and praise them for these. They may realise themselves then what annoys you and stop it. Don't fall out whatever you do!

I think this most probably gave the impression you were happy to have them involved in your life.

I haven’t read Naty suggest otherwise, or anyone suggest that?

Surely people are owed peace in their own homes though aren’t they? All she is asking for is a heads up before somebody comes to visit. Not wanting a family member peeping in your windows certainly doesn’t equal not wanting them involved in my world

Summerlove, with respect, the next sentence follows and is so relevant.

Why would accepting a family gift of money equal ‘please feel free to ignore my repeated polite requests and instead carry on peering through my windows and not giving me my own space’?

My friend is married to an Italian and receive a lot of financial support from his family. They are close to his family but there are boundaries that are respected by all - as it should be. Not falling out in this case appears to require the OP to tiptoe around these adults for fear of upsetting them - whilst they in turn appear to have little or no respect for the OP. She is fully entitled to say ‘enough is enough’ without having to worry about the fallout to the extent she is. Families should not have to dance to their elders’ tune to keep them happy, there has to be a level of mutual respect and understanding.

Yes..maybe you're right!

I never officially accepted any money because we were not married at the time. I was a live-in girlfriend with no immediate marriage plans. Apparently my husband was going to build the house regardless of my being there or not. And his sister received the samrme sum, but lives 15km away.

My own family is exceedingly close, but we respect boundaries and seek out quality time by arranging long, extended visits...not 10 min here and there randomly

Sounds like sister knew her family well.

Naty of course you want your own boundaries and indeed are entitled to them. I think you have a lot going for you with your IL's so would hate you to fall out. Keep trying and have 'excuses' ready when they leave. Say really busy tomorrow but I/you call the day after. If they do call, say sorry really busy, will see you tomorrow. They will adapt. I don't know them but you are not giving the impression they have shown malice. Coming from someone who never really had help from IL's I guess I actually wish I had enjoyed some of what you are getting with your IL's.

My in laws are amazing. Period. I won't fall out with them over this. I'll just explain that I'm feeling anxious with all the changes in my life (if they ask)...but it might not come to that. I'm hoping, at least!

Brilliant decision Naty! You sound really positive as well. Just a thought if they do pop in uninvited and you really wish they hadn't, ask them to do job or two!! Could you wash up, really big help. Sort the washing, go to the shops, you need a big shop etc etc. That might cut down their visits, ha ha. Stay happy!