Mother-in-law stopping by unannounced

You can be doting and respectful of family member’s expressed (and very reasonable) wishes.

It seems to be the done thing to be told to come a a certain time and you must stick to it. We had to travel quite a few miles and so was a bit difficult to time it exactly. After being old off for arriving early we would wait in the car till the exact time. The first visit afterwards we were texted to ask could we get there early!! ha ha. They knew we wouldn't be arriving early so had to ask! Sometimes doing exactly as you are asked can work in your favour.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Thank you for your support. I appreciate everyone's responses, no matter if they are in favour of me or not. I'm sorry you had to go through something similar, but much worse 40 years ago. That's not fair.

Naty, can you get temporary window frostings for privacy for your windows? You can still have the light, but no one could see in?

I think another chat with MIL is needed if this keeps up. She means well, but it’s so unfair on you to feel you must be on at all times

My daughter in law has a key to my house which she uses to drop off her dog in the early morning before I am awake.

Apparently Naty's inlaws think they have a right to see the baby whenever they like. Do they tend to call only during daylight hours?

Someone here wrote to the effect breast feeding is a burden. I heartily disagree, Besides other important benefits breast feeding is much easier than bottle especially when the mother feeds on demand.

I could technically get the window coverings, but I think that might be too much of a "stop looking in my damn windows" signal to her. I think you're right...I just need to talk to her again.

Hi, yes my inlaws also have a key but have never used it, except when we got married and we asked them to take the fresh flowers out of the house when we went away (they rot).

My MIL only pops by during the day...and yes, it seems like she thinks she can just see the baby whenever she feels like it as she's passing by. My issue is: she sets off from or to wherever she is going knowing that she's planning on coming over. I'd also like to be privy to that info because I'm involved in her plans for my day.

I would have no issue with a mutually agreed upon arrangement like "wednesdays you take the baby for 2 hours"...but my child is just too young and cries whenever out of her sight for too long. Mutually agreed upon arrangements are fine with me.

Oh and breastfeeding is amazing! I love it and would not do bottle feeding just out of sheer laziness to shop for, buy, mix formula, sterilize bottles and tote them around and then heat them?. Nooo thank you! Breastfeeding is also demanding, though. But a lot of baby care is.

I could technically get the window coverings, but I think that might be too much of a "stop looking in my damn windows" signal to her

I mean, really though, she needs to stop being rude staring in your windows.

My inlaws would know they were going to pop over while they were out before leaving and refuse to call too. Me mentioning made MIL cry. DH had to do it, a few times. It was painful.

Did things get better?

I mean...She's not my mom. What if I was walking around without trousers on at that particular time? Or slobbing around because I wanted to? I guess it's just a cultural and generation difference. Plus, in Italy most ppl have fenced in properties with a gate you have to buzz people into... we are unique in the fact that we don't have that, so she can get right up to the windows. In all fairness, she's peering in the windows to see if she can knock or not... like "I won't knock if the baby is sleeping while feeding on the couch"...

And yes... I do hate feeling the need to feel "on" all the time. It's causing resentment in me because I'm rushing to tidy up or not look garbagey just for them.

Do you think your MIL did it because she felt really close to you? Or was it a control thing? Or she just never called anyone before going over?

I’m really not sure why she did it, other than she “didn’t like to plan”. It was a long recurring theme. Along with jealousy and perceived unfairness that my parents didn’t have to call first (they did). A lot of whining about “appointments”, when all I really asked for was respect.

It took a cooling off period where I just let my husband do all the communicating. Eventually she got on board that I do things differently than my SIL did.

She wasn’t trying to be hurtful, neither was I. But, my house is my sanctuary, as is yours. You deserve to be comfortable.

I think peering in the windows is beyond creepy.

Yeah the looking in the windows is weird, but I don't think she thinks that. She's trying to peer in to avoiding waking the baby by knocking. But even if the baby is sleeping ON ME, and she's outside the window, I still have to answer the door. So... she is trying to be considerate while being inconsiderate. Go figure.

So I asked the in-laws over (i called the night before) to hold the baby while I cleaned upstairs again. I asked her to come in the afternoon around 4pm and that I would call her.

On that day, home for lunch, my husband took the baby for a visit and stayed with them for 10 minutes before the baby fussed and needed to be taken home to me.

After lunch, baby and I took a nap. When baby woke up, I called and MIL came with FIL and spent some bonding time with baby.

My MIL said she had passed by (while we were sleeping) and looked in the windows but nobody was there, so she left...

I realized these people don't understand at all....

I've asked them several times to call before they come. ...

I set up an appointment yesterday for today...my husband brings the baby over ...AND you still drop by early and unannounced? Why? I don't get it...

I broke down again in tears to my husband and he knows it's a serious problem. He said he'll talk to them...but I think I have to because he won't explain things properly. I'm going to call her over and explain how much I love her and FIL...but that I am suffering right now because I need to have my own space. I need to have and feel control over some aspects of my life and my environment. I need predictability and I don't want unexpected visits to be something in my life and that I would ask the same of my own family if I were living in Canada.
I think I'm going to cry...

I’m so sorry Naty.

I truly think you are going to need to get the window frostings if you want any privacy

Naty, one of the most useful things I had after I had my fourth baby was a sign to hang on the door saying "Mum and Baby sleeping, please call later" And people did. Its important for you to set your personal boundaries. And well done with the breastfeeding!

Oh I hope not! My husband was on his way over there tonight, but I told him to wait. He won't say it tactfully or sensitively...

That's a good idea for a sign...but it's not sleeping that is the problem, because they leave if I'm not visible through the windows. The issue is envisioning the rest of my life being paranoid about them always dropping by to see the kids without letting me know.

EXACTLY why, during the time I lived in the USA with my husband and child, I refused to buy a house near my in-laws. I KNEW my MiL would constantly come over, with no notice and no invitation. It wasn't that I never wanted to see her, but I didn't want unannounced visits and I knew she wouldn't respect my wishes for at least a phone call first.

Wow. I had zero fears of this happening. Zero! It's only really started since the baby has been born and I'm home! Otherwise she'd come once a week max. She would see me working on something, but I'd still serve her tea and go along with it. It was only once a week...but now...gosh...my time is so so much more important right now. And so is my space.

She might actually hear it better coming from her own child.

The fact that this is a pattern with her though is going to be hard to break. I can’t imagine just stopping in somewhere, and seeing that the person is busy, accept being served tea. I’d be so embarrassed for interrupting them

How about if you just open the door a crack and peer out.
Then say "I'm not up for company right now, sorry"?