Mean Grandparents

My granddaughter has her birthday a couple of days before Christmas, so we fork out for 2 presents at a time. She has lots of aunties who for one reason or another don’t buy presents any more. So for a few years now my daughter has got an Amazon list together with small presents, and I buy things for my granddaughter, and write from Aunty so-and-so on the labels. I’ve told my sisters what I’m doing and they give money towards the presents. (Sometimes they say “ how much do we owe you?” Sometimes not!) You could tell your parents the story of the child who had lots of presents under the tree, and ask whether they would like you to do the same, as she is asking questions.

How sad!! I have two grandsons who are so precious to me. I just can’t understand why these grandparents are like this! All I can say is it’s their loss by not being close to their only grandchild. Unbelievable ??

You sound a great mum and your daughter is being brought up in a responsible and loving home. I would just say that people are just different in how they live their lives, and her grandparents are just not givers or are particularly sociable if she mentions anything. As you are bringing her up in a conscientious way I'm sure she will accept your explanation easily. If you feel that it's something that would suit your family, is it possible to 'adopt' an elderly and lonely person so that you all get a mutually satisfying relationship from this. As an end note: Reading through these responses, I've just realised that we never received presents from one of our grandmother's either. Never even gave it a thought until now - and I'm 68. There was more going on in life that thinking of who gave and who didn't. Your daughter is so lucky to have loving parents and won't be missing much.

Your daughter needs to know that everyone is different and some are generous and some aren’t. My parents wouldn’t babysit. I have mine overnight once a week and do the school run a lot. The twins are getting chocolate and money from us. The other grandparents give them so much that some of last year’s presents are still unopened as they lost interest after opening so many. Styles of parenting vary just as grand parenting does. It’s no big deal as long as she has loving parents, which she clearly has.

Just maybe when they die there may be a huge nest egg for her perhaps they are just not materialistic.
I'm sure having a lovely mum like you will go a long way to compensate.
Best wishes

My gran was the same to us. There were us 3 girls and a boy cousin. We went every Christmas morning and received a box of sweets each and then had to watch as our cousin opened lots of gifts, including one year a very fine watch and a stereo system. When my mum challenged her she said she spent the same on us all but that because there were 3 of us it seemed less. I can look back and find it funny that she was so petty to children, you have to wonder what she got out of it and I now know it was because she never wanted my parents to marry but they have remained in love for almost 60 years - so who's had the last laugh?
Your daughter already understands what's going on with her grandparents and I don't think she cares, she knows that she is loved by mum and dad and that is enough. When she looks back she will be thankful for you and dad and the special times.

Although hurtful, your daughter will will work this out for herself and form her own opinions.
You don't have to explain.

Kids will take as they find, and mine have experienced two totally different type of grans and granddads. My parents were in business and could afford lavish presents, in laws couldn't.It was accepted, never questioned and until your child starts asking questions I suggest you leave well alone .

You sound as if those loving and caring values are in abundance within you... they don’t just appear. Have your parents changed or were they like this with you?
Doesn’t really matter.
Either speak up and question their indifference or accept it.
Those are the only choices.
Have a wonderful Christmas no matter what.. ?

I understand how you must feel mumofone.
But it`s what she gets that matter not what she doesn`t get.
If you make an issue about it then so will you DD.
And it could make her feel really sad.
Let it drop is my advice.

Dont know answer really but would they help you out in an emergency? If so that would mean more to me than the "non lresents".but then im not a very materialistic person

"No presents"

Hi MumofOne and welcome with your first post. The post made me feel sad for you so one thing I will say is do not let the situation make you feel sad and down and spoil the Christmas season for you as yourself and other half are the one that will make your daughter have a lovely time. Do not bother that the grand-parents are not the sort that have not shown much interest because it is their loss not yours.

Life can throw lemons at us but we have to get on with it and you sound like a fantastic parent, and I do not know you but I wish you were my daughter as you have good ideas about parenting you are Eco conscious and donate to food banks and plenty of other things.

I will probably get something written about my reply but here goes, I have tried so hard over the years to show interest to want to babysit take the children to the park and sometimes just sit at home and do crafts and make things with the children however my daughter is always sick or it's too much trouble for me to go to hers or else she is doing something else the days I ask can I take the children out.
At this time of year I miss the family time of going to see the Christmas school play and despite asking for the last few years my daughter has always said the play is on at 9.30 am so do not bother coming and it's no big deal anyway.
This year once again my daughter has completely blanked me and so I will miss out on my beloved grand-children when I know I could offer them so much not all materialistic
just some happy close family time. For me it is getting a little bit easier as time passes but there is a small piece of me inside where a few faces are missing although like I said sometimes life gives us lemons.

I hope yourself and other half and also your daughter have a great family Christmas and just enjoy it.

One thing I will say is that someone in the posts said to tell your daughter just how mean and nasty the grand-parents are. I hope you will not do that as it will not make you feel any better. I often think my daughter maybe awful enough to tell my grand-children that I do not want to see them as I am a nasty nanny and this is not the case.

What a very sad situation MumofOne, but I agree with all the very sensible advice given on here. I do not advise telling your daughter that her grandparents are mean or selfish. If you talk about people in an uncomplimentary and unkind way, your daughter will learn that it’s okay to to talk like that about other people, and you sound such a lovely lady, I think you would be letting yourself down if you spoke about your parents in that way. Your daughter will learn gradually that her grandparents are not not very involved with her and she will accept the situation because she had two lovely, caring parents.

I live with my daughter and grandsons and love them to pieces. We moved closer to my daughters ex so boys could have time with their father. He can’t be bothered with them and youngest hasn’t seen him for a year and eldest only a few times. They have paternal grandparents, aunts uncles and cousins also living close. None of them take time to see my grandsons. Even the cards the got from the grandparents were the money enclosed kind. The money had been removed!
Christmas to us is our family time, walking and playing board games. Of course festive food and presents under the tree. They love it and we are making memories as you will be with your daughter. You don’t need your parents to help with that.

Our nextdoor neighbourchad parents like this.When they was any sponsorship at schools they always had to put extra.They never brought them presents.My neighbour is dead now but when she had her grandchildren she had them overnight and took them out.Her parents missed out on so much

This is very off the cuff as in a rush and no time to read all replies .... however, gosh I do feel for you and in my own way had similar problems. My mother died when I was quite young, my father not at all hands on or interactive in any way with my 2 girls. My husbands parents where also distant in both location and would visit briefly once-twice a year.

I got very down about all this and contact a local hairdresser asking if there where any older ladies who didn’t have children and would like to befriend my girls. Wow what a wonderful thing happened I had two older ladies who used to call by for a cuppa and spend time with the girls. The relationship was perfect. Might be worth a try ? You sound a perfect mum, good luck and best wishes to you.

My only grandmother lived close by but was not a close happy person. Presents comprised school uniform items, particularly knickers! I found out some years later, long after she died, that her other grandchildren, living miles away, loved her long visits and the trips and adventures she took them on, she seemed a totally different person. I missed all that and it still hurts if I think about it. Accept the situation and work round your parents. It will be their loss.

@Acer what a great idea!

Acer that is a very good idea. "Adopt a gran" would be wonderful. I know of an old man without family whose carer takes him in at Christmas and he has a lovely day and meal with her and her two young boys, He is like a grandad to them, and gives them boxes of chocs as a present. They give him little gifts too.

I would speak to my parents if I were you. Tell them what you have said here. What on earth is up with them? I don't know how they could miss so much. I love every minute with my granddaughter, if I were a neighbour of yours I would like to be friend your daughter. I've heard of adapt a granny I don't know if that exists anywhere near you? I feel very sorry for both you and your daughter, as someone else said I would buy your daughter extra as its so unfair. But definitely speak to your parents you have nothing to lose.

You clearly are a great Mum. Happy Christmas to your family from ours.
Fact is, your girlie has noticed a difference because there is one. So be open about it.
Your job is to convey its not her, they are just insensitive and tight arsed.
Though you might want to say mean spirited lol.
Explain
from now on, you would like to get her "This is what you deserve grandparents gifts" from your hubbies parents. You can still do this thrift shop. Do you have pictures of her as a baby with them before they passed. Or write out something lovely about them and how they would have loved her, frame it and build up a collection for her over the years. Birthdays, christmas, grad. (Infact as lm writing this lm gonna start to do that for my own kids ) Keep on doing what you are doing, you sound like a great mum.

It's hard for us grandparents to understand how another grandparent can ignore a grandchild.

However, I doubt that they will change now, and I really have no advice. So sorry.

This post made me so sad. My granddaughters and I are soooo close, they are my world. One of my eldest granddaughter's friends has adopted me as her Granny as her grandparents are dead. I wish I could be your daughters adopted Granny too. My Granddaughters are 12 and 13 so similar ages to your daughter. Huge hugs. X

Sorry if this has already been asked.... How were they when you were growing up?