Mean Grandparents

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Whatever you do Bel please do not do as flyingfree suggests, ie You should defo tell your daughter the truth that they are just selfish/mean/not good with children whatever the answer is

What good would come of teaching a child to dislike her grandparents and grow a chip on her shoulder ?

There is no need to explain to your DD why your parents are as they are. It’s sufficient to tell her (if she asks) that everyone is different and we should try to see the good in everyone.

I can’t help wondering if perhaps you are feeling that by their behaviour towards your DD, your parents are rejecting you, but perhaps you haven’t admitted or acknowledged this to yourself?

Whatever, I hope you and your family have a lovely Christmas.

reading your comment makes me wonder if in a few years my son will be saying similar things about me as a grandparent. we don't visit them as they have never invited us.I'm uncomfortable with just dropping in it isn't something i can do.They have never asked us to look after my Grandaughter although we know that she is left with DIL mum quite often. I do buy things but I have yet to see her wear anything we have given.Perhaps your parents think they are following your feelings on buying things by spending less but are getting it wrong, Are you making sure that they feel wanted. Sometimes knowing how to behave is hard work but I think maybe you should just try to get them together more often.

As the grandchild of disinterested grandparents (on both sides) I can tell you that upon realisation, the hurt is very real. I had the additional issue of being the only grandchild they were disinterested in and my cousins had a more ‘normal’ relationship. Fast forward to my own children, my own mother being the disinterested grandparent, and I can tell you that it’s a stab to the heart when your child asks ‘why does Gran hate me?’ I had dismissed her thoughtlessness, made a joke out of it, covered it up etc. but you can’t stop the penny finally dropping. Be honest with her without imposing too much of your disappointment.

for me it was the same my parents never bothered with my children on my oldest first christmas he was almost one year old i said would you like me to come (we lived 90 miles away) and you can spend it with him and my Mum said oh your older brother might be coming (he had no children) so no and so nothing came or even a card on his first birthday it really upset me and so when my oldest son married and they had their first child they cut me out and i have been labelled mean as i do not send gifts etc but he is now 18 and does no i exist but is banned from seeing me WHY i do not know so grands i never see so why should i spend my pension on them

My adult children don't remember either grandad who both died quite young, and neither grandma was maternal, so wasn't really interested in them in any long-term meaningful way. I'm so sorry that you're so hurt by it. I taught teenagers for a long time, and genuinely don't think she'll think it's odd. 21st century families come in all shapes and sizes. It sounds like you 2 have a good relationship, and that's the important bit.

Firstly, do not covet what other people have. It's not a good trait in people. Encourage your child to make the best of what you DO have- good health, friends, a healthy interest in the environment etc.

Have you ever asked your parents why they are so disinterested, did you encourage them to have quality time with your family when you had your baby, do you do things for them and show affection towards them?

I have no idea why they behave in this way. I buy my family loads of things- some things they want and some tat! and spend lots of quality time with them but you are unlikely to change your parents' behaviour after all this time. I appreciate it seems like they are uncaring but you should have tackled it years ago.

You don't mention other family on your side so you may inherit the 4 bed house and finances your parents own so I don't suppose you will complain then and some of that can be earmarked for your daughter's future.

Hi op. I feel your pain. My mum and dad are useless grandparents to my two children. My mum ‘helped’ a bit when they were young (now nearly 11 and 13) but she would sit and read her book at our house instead of playing with them. She has never played or made an effort with them. Dad not much better. She buys very thoughtless presents too and spends around £20 at the most. Not in financial trouble either. She never asks about them etc. She wasn’t a nice mum to me either. I’ve actually told her recently exactly how I feel about how she is with my kids compared to other grandparents but she doesn’t get it. Absolutely clueless. My kids don’t like her much anyway. On the rare occasions we do see her she just tells them off for nothing. She has no right in my opinion and I said so in my recent outburst. So we just joke about mean grandma. The kids have plenty of love from the us and other grandparents. They don’t need my parents love. It’s very sad but just how it is. You won’t change your parents OP. Just let your dd know that some people are thoughtless and don’t realise it upsets people. Good chance to let dd know people are different etc etc. Have a good Christmas and don’t let them upset you. I don’t give it a second thought now. X

I'm so sorry that you are going through this. To have your child so casually dismissed by your parents must be painful. It is a dismissal not only of your daughter but of you. How on earth have they treated you over the years?

The issue with the presents is not the presents per se, but what they represent and exemplify. They cannot be bothered. Giving the third book in a series is beyond thoughtless.
Just because she hasn't had her grandparents attention doesn't mean that she won't notice: her friends will talk of their grandparents ( as has already happened ); there will be grandparents in books and films.
Not having grandparents at all ( deceased) is very different from having grandparents that don't care.

All I can suggest is that you and your partner continue to love and support your daughter. Help her to see forward, not back. She will soon be a teenager and heading out into the world: the world is her oyster!

Is there any other family on yours or your partner's side with which you can foster relationships? I am not suggesting that you zone in on a cousin and they become a surrogate grandparent! I am suggesting that keeping in contact with relatives can help your daughter have a sense of 'family'. Try reaching out to a few long-lost cousins in the New Year and see what happens: they might respond, they might not, but you won't have lost anything by it.

Would you consider talking to someone professionally about your relationship with your parents? They will never change, but getting some help for yourself may give you the strength to deal with the situation. The old saying " You can't change anyone else, only yourself" is true.

Your pain is very real ( and I fully sympathize as I have experienced similar myself. ) Having strength and confidence in yourself is key or they will continue to have the power over you.

I have heard that there are older people without family who would love to be adopted as grandparents.

Personally I’d tell them what I think and let them know that if the time comes that they need help they won’t get it. No excuses for their total lack of thought for your daughter.

Hi
We had a similar situation with my parents. We tried to suggest gifts but knew not to rely on them for a specific thing. They were not interested in sons progress or stuff he did but more keen to talk about themselves. We kept up the relationship in short visits throughout the year. Kids aren’t stupid and do realise they aren’t like a friends grandparents. I think talk about it but more in a way that you acknowledge they aren’t like someone else’s grandparents but people are different. It’s tricky I understand. We did have my wife’s mum for some years but she died a few years ago.

Sounds normal, you will not change anything, they may regret it in time. We have a drunken single mother who is taching her children to hate the Dad and now us!
However, we were adopted 25 years ago by two young people, boy and girl to become their grandparents as they did not have them. Their mother calls is 'Dadsie' & 'Mumsie' and we have watched them grow from zero in the case of the younger one into fine young people. Christmas diner hails!

Mumofone, kids are much tougher than we often give them credit for. Your daughter has had lots of love and support from you all her life. Yes, it is sad and disappointing that she hasn't had interest or love from her grandparents but it is what it is and they are what they are, for whatever reasons.

I rarely saw any of my grandparents for a range of complex reasons and was conscious of something missing mostly because of what I read in books and believed other children experienced. On the annual Xmas visit from one grandmother I got a purse with a coin in it for 10 years in a row.

Talk to your daughter, openly and honestly, about the disappointment you feel and ask her about her thoughts and feelings. It's quite OK to talk about what you may have hoped for and that is not what has happened. It is her grandparents loss not a reflection on you or your daughter.

Keep on loving and supporting your daughter, your bond and open communication is what will shape her future, not a few odd or disappointing presents. ???

For the grandparent concerned about their son saying the same about them, my personal view is that grandparents should be proactive in asking about and trying to see their grandchildren. I don’t understand why people wouldn’t? My mum has no idea what’s happening in mine or my kids life. She never rings to ask or asks to see them. When I’m lucky enough to have grandchildren they’ll have to stop me from seeing them. It’s grandparents loss not seeing their family. It infuriates me that my parents make zero effort. Don’t wait for invitations show you love them and ask to see them!!

Gosh, I find some of these posts quite shocking! Were these disinterested grandparents also 'detatched' parents? I was a single parent. My son's father and his parents all lived in the USA and my parents died when I was young. I always wortied about Christmas but thank goodness most were spent with kind friends, who more than made up for the lack of presents or cards from my son's American grandparents. I even had to buy presents from his father and would bill my ex, who was not always forthcoming with money.
If my parents had behaved in an unconcerned way I am afraid I would write them a very direct letter, explaining how I felt. You are having to explain and make excuses for their behaviour to your child which is not fair on you. Ask them what the issue is? Ask if their lack of interest in their grandchildren at Christmas is deliberate or accidental. You may find they simply have not considered the ramifications of what they are doing, because they themselves are of an age that they don't want to be given gifts.
I am assuming that you always give them gifts and include them in your family celebrations? Now your daughter is old enough, she should give them a personal gift of her own choosing. This does not have to be expensive or shop bought, but should show what responsibility you expect family members to take present-wise.

MumofOne - Congratulations on your first post! Gransnet is a Pandora's Box so brace yourself lol!!!
You sound like a lovely mum, so your daughter is blessed. I think it's really hard at this time of year when our families aren't what one would hope for. Please remember you are not the only one to be in this situation. My son in law has the same thing with his parents, they seem to go out of their way to really hurt him, just because they can. Don't know what your relationship is with them but if it's 70-80% bad. I would cut them loose and not let them have the power or influence to harm. I'm talking from experience here. Hold on to the fact the your girl has wonderful, kind thoughtful parents and that her children, your grandchildren will be loved and spoiled rotten. Peace, health and happiness to you. Merry Christmas.

I explained to my kids that my mother 'wasn't well' so couldn't help being critical and cold. They accepted it.

I remember being allowed to go on holiday with a friend and her parents. I must have been about 11 or 12. I was so shocked, surprised and amazed by how the parents behaved. They were happy, friendly, jokey and affectionate - yet still I was fearful and reserved - half expecting one to suddenly 'turn nasty'!

Some of the replies to the OP would result in complete rejection by the grandparents. Is that what you want? Think hard before going that route. You won't be able to reverse it. When she grows up she may wonder about them, but be unable to mend the relationship.

Other advice would result in your daughter's complete scorn and rejection of her grandparents? Do you want that either? Think hard about that route, too. As she sees you treat others, so she will treat others later in her life - including you. Be the better person and don't criticise - judge not that you be not judged. Smile (pleasantly!) if she raises the subject, and reply that everyone is different - no more. Children are not blind to the characters of others, but they are ready to accept people as they are, provided adults don't push them to take on their assessments.

Are you encouraging her to compare what is under her tree with what is under someone else's tree? Is that a good policy? What if you fall upon hard times and are unable to afford a tree, let alone piles of presents to go under it. Envy and greed are not attractive traits to foster.

Incidentally, would falling out with the old ones actually put any more parcels under the tree? Would complaining to them about their "lack of interest" really increase that interest, or more likely make them aware whenever they do see you that you are watching them like a hawk for fulsome shows of affection? That doesn't lend itself to genuine pleasure in the encounter. What would be more effective would be for you to invite them specifically to something, and to greet them with cries of "So nice to see you again, How have you been?" and make them feel that they are very welcome. Just make sure it doesn't sound false or sarcastic.

Two sayings come to mind -
You catch more flies with honey than with vinegar.
An ounce of encouragement is worth more than a pound of condemnation.

When my DC were born, DM said she didn't really like children although her own were tolerable - and especially not babies. I accepted this but actually it wan't true and she became very fond of her DGC and they her and was a real help. But it was as though she wanted to let us know not to expect too much from her. She'd had a hard life as a single mum and it was her turn to think of herself.

I do think expectations are dangerous. We don't know how it will be until the time comes. One of our DiL is more distant than we would want. Having lost her own parents, she doesn't see us as a substitute, so we feel a bit shut out and useless.

I would certainly confront my parents. "Why the -- are you acting like this? Is this the American in me? I think they are being jerks. If there is something deeper in there maybe it can be sorted out. I couldn't live like that, and I don't think families should.

I certainly wouldn't say to them, "Why the ** are you acting like this?" That would be a declaration of war - not a good way to foster a loving relationship within a family.

Forcing them to "be nice" - or rather, to pretend to be nice out of fear of me - is artificial. A real relationship, in contrast to a sensational TV soap one, grows by what it is fed on. Feed it with appreciation and encouragement (NOT with complaints about the shortage of these things from the "other side") and it will grow and flourish. Feed it with resentment and recriminations and it will wither away.

There is no obligation to be doting grandparents.
Some people just aren't; its that simple.

I'm not overly struck on children/babies, and never have been.

There is no obligation to be doting grandparents! Theres no need to be deliberately thoughtless one's either! If you are going to take the time and money to go get something don't withhold the present the child asked for! Don't buy them a useless book in a series! That is just nasty and will hurt more than nothing x

Difficult one ….at least your daughter knows her grandparents which a lot of children don't ! My daughter when she was small had one grandad (my dad) and two gps (inlaws). The inlaws were very generous to the other 2 grandchildren in the family, going over the top most years but did give my daughter a gift as well ...albeit a smaller one, but we all got on fine and Christmas is not about presents BUT I wish I could know my only grandson who I have never met and never will (daughter for some reason has cut all contact now for 13 years but last year in summer I was sent a photograph of 'your grandson' who is 3 !!! I know where she lives (discovered through research online) and I send cards at Christmas and birthdays without ever any acknowledgment. Since I benefitted from a small inheritance this year I would have loved to have been able to put some into savings for him when he is older but without either his dob or, apparently, his mother's consent I cannot ...so there are always differing family dynamics …..I am so glad you do at least 'allow' your parents to be involved ...family is all that matters ! good luck and have a Happy Christmas x