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Long Term IL Problem

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onlyhereforthebiscuits Thu 19-Dec-19 19:14:33

FIL called up earlier. Don't think I've seen him since Christmas Day 2018. Says he has stopped calling because he is hard of hearing and can't hear the DC! Hard to tolerate him but he just walks on in so I've little choice. Have been NC with MIL since shortly after birth of DS2.

Anyway he's left me feeling like a shit mother, daughter, wife and daughter in law. During his visit he comes out with "I didn't like the way you handled DS1 when we came to visit you in hospital. I never said anything but I didn't like it". That was 18 years ago!

Another thing he came out with was "I could never understand why your mother left your wedding reception early". That was 21 years ago. For info the venue was difficult to get to/from. Even when I explained my relations (DM, aunts, uncles, cousins etc) all live in same village and had booked a mini bus to take everyone home, he still couldn't get his head around it. TBH I wasn't aware DM had left any earlier than the majority of other people who weren't staying overnight at the venue.

Recently he forgot DD birthday but sent a card about a month later with money and a short letter saying "I'd do more than send money if you came to visit". I asked him today what did he mean by that and he wouldn't answer, so how can a 13 yo know what he meant?

Now after all those insults he is asking us all to go to dinner with him and MIL at their house playing happy families as if nothing as ever happened! MIL has never called to visit or make contact with 2 younger GC and hasn't seen DS1 for over 15 years. DC never ask about them/her or ask to visit. He threw up the "I could be dead next week" card but so could we all. DS2 heard it all from kitchen and after FIL had left gave me a hug. DS2 has been the butt of his insults over the years too ... "why are you so short and fat compared to your brother" (none of my DC are short or fat); even though they both done really well in exams, money was sent up for DS1 and the message to DS2 "you'll get some when you're as good as your brother". Surely if he wants to rekindle some sort of relationship between GP and GC, you don't go round to their house and make all sorts of accusations to their DM?? Surely if you're not getting what you want, you don't continuously ask for more? Being old isn't a free ticket to say what you like and not hurt someone's feelings.

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Tedber Fri 27-Dec-19 15:12:31

Well onlyhereforthebiscuits I guess only you can sort out how you feel but reading your post it doesn't sound that bad if that is all it was? What did he actually do or say to stir the pot this year?

So (as I read it) FIL (who you dislike intensely) comes Christmas morning and you don't speak just go into kitchen? He comes into kitchen and asks if you are not speaking to him?" You don't say anything? so he goes back into another room and asks your children to visit him? Wasn't exactly 'going behind your back was it?' You were there.

I appreciate that there may be lots of things said in past but you accuse your FIL of dragging up stuff from the past and yet when you had a day to ignore the past you bring it up by telling him how rude he was last year? He may genuinely NOT remember or thought he was being.

Fact is he makes you ill so why not encourage everyone to go and see them instead of him/them coming to you?

Please don't think I am just taking FIL's side. I don't know enough about it all but on the outside looking in, it sounds like he does want to try to bury the hatchet before it is too late. It is up to you whether you reciprocate or not but IF they rest of your family would like to then leave them to it.

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onlyhereforthebiscuits Fri 27-Dec-19 16:00:43

@tedber I was already in kitchen when he rang door bell. I didn't accuse him of being rude last year, I reminded him how hurtful I had found comments he'd made during his last visit last week. I appreciate your comments on my OP and now on my update, and we all appreciate there are two sides to every story. Sometimes I think they'll only be happy if I'm out of the picture.

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Tedber Fri 27-Dec-19 16:38:58

It's ok onlyhereforthebiscuits No need to explain. I am not trying to make you feel worse - only presenting other possibilities.

As you say, there is probably a LOT we don't know for instance why they have cut contact for so long, why they want to come back now and where there son is in all this? I am not asking you to go into it so really am only responding on what you have said.

Dragging up things from the past like why your mum didn't stay at the wedding long? Not normal but obviously unresolved issues of some sort or as I said..could be alzheimers? No idea of knowing.

Yes, there ARE rude, toxic people and we can't pick our families. I just wondered if there was perhaps more to his outbursts than we know?

DO your children (I assume adults?) want to have contact? If THEY don't then it is simple - just tell him (them) to say away. IF they would like to keep in contact then let them but stay away yourself.

Whatever you do, do not allow people into your life who make you feel sick and shaky and unable to eat.

When you say 'they' will only be happy if you are out of the picture do you mean your in-laws? They have no control over that whatsoever. Even if your children decide to visit they are still going to be there for you.

I hope 2020 is a better year for you. All the best

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Hithere Fri 27-Dec-19 17:42:10

Fil just earned a long time out from you and the kids.

Your dh can do what he wants. You have a dh problem. Why did he open the door for his father?

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