No kissing my baby

I have two year olds here. The first thing my minded children have to do when we come back from school is WASH THEIR HANDS!!! I have one ten year old who wriggles out of this given half a chance. His mum's a nurse! Boy do I tear him off a strip ?

You are a childminder looking after someone else's child and you tear him off a strip?


Nice.

At five months getting the herpes virus from someone with a cold sore would be absolutely awful, and unnecessary.

Can't imagine anyone with a cold sore, which are horrible looking, yucky things, would think it's ok to kiss a baby.

Just how common are cold sores? I've never had one in my life.

Everyone should wash their hands when they get home. Don't blame previous poster for tearing the ten year old a strip. Little shit

Your baby. Your rules. As long as you aren’t going to be over-protective as she grows up you have the right to police peoples’ behaviour around your baby. My daughter asked me to have a German measles booster before visiting them in Australia even before the baby arrived. Apparently the doctor recommended it. I thought that it was a bit over the top, but happily complied for her peace of mind.
First-time mums can be a little paranoid about their child’s health, but that’s better than letting them pick up bugs from people.

I know they can be awkward at 10 but no childminder should be tearing him off a strip lucywinter.

It seems as if she has lost control.
In front of toddlers too.

Naty you would be well done to remind them that folks are contagious 24-48 hours before the sore erupts so, you are relying on THEM to police themselves, as you won’t know until it’s far too late if they are contagious. My mil used to insist on shoving her finger into the mouths of, and sharing spoons with her grandkids, and they all have had awful cavities, similar to her. My younger two who don’t see her have had much better dental health, and I can’t say that their diet or teeth brushing habits are better than their older sibling, so I’m left to assume it was grandmas bad habits leaving their mark.

As for the poster who made such unkind comments about Naty’s
Proficiency in Italian- one can use a language daily and be quite conversant but still not be at the level of fluency necessary to negotiate a conversation with an intransigent grandmother. My MIL and I shared a first language but it often seemed as if we didn’t share any language at all. She had a very unique definition of the word ‘no’ which I never fully understood ??

It was not unkind as Naty is a teacher OutsideDave so I thought she would need to be fluent in her adopted country.

After 10 years of living there, I am surprised, but she may want to look at the thread about online language courses before she returns to work this year.
She said herself her language skills are not sufficient to explain what she means.

Just because your MIL didn't appear to understand the word No doesn't mean that she did not in fact know perfectly well what you meant.

I have just re-read my post to check and there is absolutely nothing unkind about it.

Naty seems to be struggling with certain issues and being able to speak the language of your adopted country is a priority for someone with a small child.

callistemon I have looked after the ten year old since he was a baby. He knows the rules about hand washing, and why. He lies about it.
I spoke firmly to him about it upstairs in private. At no point did I, or do I, lose control.
I have other children whose health and wellbeing I am responsible for, and their parents to answer to.
His mother would have been furious with him.

I always thought sugar rots teeth. I limited my three children’s sugar intake and they all grew up with lovely teeth. Only one of them has a filling, just one filling. They are all in their 30s/40s now. My daughter’s dentist complimented her on her beautiful teeth and asked who oversaw teeth cleaning/diet as a child. My Mum she said, well you can thank your Mum for your beautiful teeth.
So a few germs in the mouth shouldn’t cause cavities, but lots of sugar will. Nonetheless no one should kiss anyone else, let alone an infant, if they have a cold sore. That would be absolutely unacceptable.

Callistemon I can speak Italian fluently, but with many errors and lack nuances and subtleties at times. This is why interpersonal issues are hard in another language. People think you are either too blunt or too vague.

I've just copied this from the NHS website: Important
Do not kiss babies if you have a cold sore. It can lead to neonatal herpes, which is very dangerous to newborn babies.
I was searching because when I was about 3 years old. I had cold sores all in my mouth and throat and I can remember the doctor prescribed a dark blue ink like liquid which my mum painted on in my mouth. This subject is interesting to me as I never had good teeth and always at the dentist. So much so, I had them all taken out when I was 18.

Sounds like gentian violet, Sharon. I’ve never heard of that used for cold sores although it’s a common enough remedy for babies with oral thrush. It’s quite messy and unpleasant. It may also have been for canker sores which aren’t the same as cold sores and aren’t infectious, although still terribly painful!

As others have said, most people don't kiss children on the lips. I think it's a bit harsh to tell people not to kiss your baby. It's a natural thing to do, and I would be quite insulted, I think, if I were instructed not to kiss my grandchildren.

Naty, you are worrying too much, and are, in my opinion, 'over the top'. Obviously, if someone had a cold sore, or a cold, or anything else contagious, you wouldn't want them slobbering over your baby - but a kiss on the head from somebody perfectly healthy ...? Come on, get real!

www.google.com/amp/s/amp.cnn.com/cnn/2017/07/18/health/baby-dies-of-meningitis-from-herpes-virus/index.html

Get real indeed

I don't know why some people are taking a high-handed tone in response to Naty.
I can sympathise with the situation she outlines, despite not sharing it.
the only thing that jarred slightly was the post about not being satisfied with not earning enough money; but I put that down to her being from N America, where the cultural norms are different, and I am the least interested in money/ financially illiterate, barely competent person I know; so it's not a fair comparison.
as to protecting a child's health, I think she is spot on.
the link between caries and bacteria seems obvious, if little reported. just because we may not have heard of it before, read about or seen it reported does not mean it is nonsense. its deleterious effects will gallop on regardless of our knowledge.
I have seen the results of little known serious infection close up; very sobering. we all need more knowledge. forewarned is forearmed.
remember dr john snow and the pump handle in broadwick street, soho, but it couldn't be right, could it. everyone knew cholera was spread by a miasma, fog-like floating through the air.
the fact that there was not yet the knowledge of microbes, nor the instruments/ methods to detect them, let alone understand their significance.
how he was vilified by the medical establishment, and generally received notions at the time.
threatened with legal action against him.
he stuck his neck out, risked his livelihood, because he cared. the imperative to try to save lives was his motivation, rather than fame or fortune.
I think it's good that a young mother comes on GN specifically to consult grans for their perspective on issues she has with her child's gran.
that shews an open and humble minded attitude, willing to learn, and is entirely commendable.
all power to her elbow. (How do you translate that into vernacular Canadian ?)

Naty when my children were young, there were always varied opinions on how they/ other children should be brought up, much like on here. I always took the stance, that any mistakes I make will fall back on me/ my husband. To other people, they will become a distant memory. You’ll always get people who will say” let them roll around in the dirt, it’ll do them good in the long run”. It might.....but it might not, and I decided a dependent adult child, unable to live a normal life, was preferable to a dead one. This was the extreme. My AC are all fine, healthy, and independent, despite my ( supposed ) over protectiveness.

Jishere- not at all- was not talking about you.

''Naty have you lived in Italy for over 10 years but you are still not able to communicate in the language?
Perhaps if you learn to speak the language fluently it may help with your communication problems, especially if you intend going back to work.''

Just cannot fathom this. How can someone not speak the language more or less fluently after a decade? Especially when living with an Italian and with Italian family almost next door?

Naty has replied, jura, and said it is the nuances which are a problem.

In this instance I think saying 'No, not on the lips' should be plain enough in any language.
It may sound blunt but perhaps she is skirting round the issue, perhaps using ten words when one might do and causing more problems trying to explain.

Naty you say you have an excellent relationship with your in-laws and love them.
As I said earlier - Just tell them!

Stick to your guns. One of my children suffered badly with cold sores and I know exactly where the infection came from. Interestingly, the problem was at its worst during his teens but he hasn't had one for about 10 years now. He's 34.

I’ve just read this thread and c@nt believe people kiss anyone on the lips other than their partner!

re gentian violet - it's a good antseptic but can make a mess of clothing etc.
When we moved to Singapore in the '60s we all caught impetigo and painted the sores with it.
It's still used - our very old (90+) GP in France used it on my legwound a few years ago. He had a student with him who had never heard of it and was shocked.

@Naty
Sorry you are finding speaking up for yourself so difficult. You sound kind and caring.
You don't want to hurt them, I can tell, but you will end up hurting them if you don't learn about *emotional literacy (*Richard Grannon) Vids on boundaries, people-pleasing and non-verbal cues will help you stop fawning during communication -
To be on the receiving end of a passive-type person is also difficult: to tell exactly where their boundary is as they bend over backwards so far sometimes they kiss their own heels.
This situation can be solved easily by you communicating in a more confident manner - No subject will be a problem if you know inside that you need never explain, just assert.

You share the same difficulty with boundaries as your in laws - Your own family only seem to be no trouble because your default is their default.
Youtube has a vast collection of helpful short vids on the subject and how to help yourself.

Does your mother have germ issues which she has passed on to you?
Cold sores are extremely contagious even before they are visible, so NO KISSING and WASH HANDS.
A parent can't afford to care about being popular with anyone when it comes to pretecting the child from dangers.

Don't waffle it projects as wishy-washy and will dilute, minimise, or even change your message.
You are, it seems, surrounded by constant company, love (and unwanted) affection - I think you'll be alright if you stick up for yourself more clearly and consistantly.
Best of luck
You got this!

www.youtube.com/watch?v=KhW4g9urdXQ
Personal boundaries Youtube vid