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GS aged 16 pressurised by SIL and DD

(48 Posts)
Romola Tue 14-Jan-20 17:24:05

GS started 6th form, doing fine, good reports, but is ditzy and disorganised just like DS at the same age. But super-organised SIL and DD criticise constantly and risk damaging the relationship - all too easy at that age. Should DH and I say something? We think GS will be fine eventually, just like his uncle our DS.

janeainsworth Tue 14-Jan-20 17:48:42

Interfere at your peril. If you’re seen to take his side against his parents, you risk getting the blame if the relationship between DGS and his parents goes pear-shaped.
Just praise him, both to his face and to them, and be a safe haven for him.

kittylester Tue 14-Jan-20 17:51:22

What janea said.

KatyK Tue 14-Jan-20 17:57:56

I wouldn't even think about saying anything. It could cause so much trouble.

M0nica Tue 14-Jan-20 18:02:32

Don't even think about it.

TrendyNannie6 Tue 14-Jan-20 18:05:07

I would keep out of it. It’s not your place, he’s doing fine you say and good reports, so what if he’s a bit disorganised it will come in time

Yennifer Tue 14-Jan-20 18:08:03

Janeainsworth is so right x

Iam64 Tue 14-Jan-20 18:50:25

Yes, janeainsworth is correct. Support your granddaughter but keep out of any criticism of her parents. They love her, they're doing their best, as we did x

Hetty58 Tue 14-Jan-20 19:07:40

I would just have to mention that criticism is counterproductive, whereas encouragement and praise are helpful. But then, I'm a retired teacher, so they would listen. I was a terribly disorganised student myself.

Bbbface Wed 15-Jan-20 09:36:23

You don’t have to live and breathe it like they do.
Leave it

Dillyduck Wed 15-Jan-20 09:40:40

Why not talk to GS about how he's doing at college, how things might be easier for him if he...
I passed my A levels, but not with the grades I needed to go to university. I finally did my degree as a mature student. If only someone at school had sat down with me and explained that education was a "game" and to succeed you had to "play by the rules". You got points for organisation and presentation as well as the content. That it was better to have short sentences rather than one paragraph long sentence. My life would have been very different.

4allweknow Wed 15-Jan-20 09:43:06

Just do as you suggest, give praise and when opportunity arises include 'how so much like your uncle you are in being a bit scatty but that's worked out fine'. Do not confront the parents, that's not your roll.

jaylucy Wed 15-Jan-20 09:49:09

Nope, say nothing. My guess is that he has been having these conversations with his parents since he was little - that is just the way he is.
My theory is that where there is two super organised, super tidy parents, they will usually have at least one disorganised, untidy child that uses this as a form of rebellion - the more he gets nagged, the worse he will be!

LJP1 Wed 15-Jan-20 09:50:17

I should just laugh at an appropriate 'ditzy' moment and say how like his uncle he is, that things become easier with practice and he will learn from watching others.

Do tell him how much you love him and that his parents are only worried.

EcoGranny Wed 15-Jan-20 09:51:40

I am a retired secondary school teacher so I know what pressure students are put under at school, extreme in my view. A few years ago I sent a 'Good Luck' card to my niece to wish her well in her GCSE exams. I made a comment that lots of students I had taught went on to have good careers despite having low GCSE grades so not to worry too much, just do her best.(She went to a dreadful school that was in special measures). In response I had a furious email from my brother saying how dare I interfere in how he was bringing up his children ( he was a single parent at the time). Our relationship hasn't really recovered. Does that help? NB: She did have dreadful GCSE results, became a dental nurse and is now a specialist dental technician with a good salary. It did all turn out well because she is a good girl who has worked hard in her chosen career.

Yehbutnobut Wed 15-Jan-20 09:54:27

I have a dizzy and disorganised granddaughter who is fully aware of these shortcomings. I’ve chosen to make light of these and joked about them, because in truth I was the same at that age.

Thus we have a special bond. But I’m slowly seeing that her parents are taking a lighter approach recently. I haven’t criticised their previous attitude to her eg. comparing her to her super-organised older sister, but I have subtly made a case for her by emphasising her strong points.

Bbbface Wed 15-Jan-20 09:57:51


Let me get this straight
In your GD’s good luck card you mentioned that lots of students got low GCSE grades but still did well.

Unbelievably insensitive!!

Classic Wed 15-Jan-20 09:58:09

Just keep saying positive things about him to his parents, chances are they have got into the habit of criticising him and dont realise how much they do it. Reinforce his good points in their minds, and praise him in front of them, any chance you get, 'big him up' works for the press and celebrities, at the same time, dont criticise the parents at all, just keep it all positive, ie, "what a kind boy you brought up" " you have done a good job, hes doing well" those sort of comments will have them puff their chests in pride and after a while they will see him in a better light themselves.

CrazyGrandma2 Wed 15-Jan-20 10:02:42

What janea said. They are his parents. Interfere at your peril.

EcoGranny Wed 15-Jan-20 10:14:35

I think being 'unbelievably insensitive' was the point of my example. I was supporting her as a teacher not as an aunt and got my roles confused. I have never made the same mistake again.My example was made public in good faith to help Romola decide what to do, I hope it helps her do that. My chosen route had unwelcome consequences.Have a nice day.

Jaycee5 Wed 15-Jan-20 10:48:41

I was a bit like your GS. I was constantly being asked 'why can't you be like your sister'. I would have loved someone who I felt had my back and understood me. You don't have to do much for him to feel that you think he is fine. I think that it is important that you do encourage him but without his parents thinking that you are judging them or interfering. It might help if he understands why being a bit organised helps but that has to be done gently and conversationally.

nana15 Wed 15-Jan-20 10:50:10

I agree with yehbutnobut.treat it lightly 'it's in the genes just like ' etc

Busset135 Wed 15-Jan-20 11:21:55

The only thing that I would say is a passing “Oh he’s just like his uncle was at that age “ no other comment

Bbbface Wed 15-Jan-20 11:53:59


I don’t believe it. Your Gd is at my dentist practise. Bristol. I won’t say full name or practise. Yes?

I now know she did appallingly in her exams. You should be more discrete about family members

Bbbface Wed 15-Jan-20 12:11:12

Ignore me!! Didn’t read properly