UPDATE on MIL stops by unannounced

The house was a gift, restored by my husband. The land was inherited by DHs father and put aside for his son, who was going to renovate it whether married or not.

We've thought about shocking them into calling us, yes. Like "We will have to move if you keep dropping by like this. It isn't fair."

And they do see us frequently...often 5 days out of the week. I call them to come see us, usually. We go over once a week for lunch. I never drop in. I call about 15 minutes before, or send a text the night before.

If my husband was complaining about my parents, I would have done something about it. My parents wouldn't bother us, either.

My baby will watch DVDs after the age of two. She doesn't watch anything atm. The baby will be bilingual, but we want her to watch English media to build up her exposure to the language to facilitate this.

They often didn't put their other grandkids in carseats. I've been a witness to this. And yes, it's a law here in Italy.

And yes, it's becoming very obvious we have to make changes or we have to leave.

I let FIL in because I love him and want him around. I just want him to CALL first or ask me when's a good time. I feel paranoid all the time.

I think all the people on this thread are right. Negative people AND supporters. There is truth in everything written here. Thank you.

Thank you also for the more recent responses. I appreciate your perspectives.

So you are a young Mum asking grandparents for advice? Am I right?
I live in the UK in a rural environment where it is quite OK to 'drop in' on someone, especially if that someone has a baby. Its a cultural thing and possible even more so in Italy where Family is the thing. Do you ever visit anyone yourself? Perhaps your DH's family or any of your personal friends and neighbours? Does it make you happy to have your baby admired and cuddled or are you a but like Megan Markle who hid her baby away for months ? Your in-laws are doing what is normal in their culture.
Don't worry about the looking through windows thing - if I knocked on someone's door and there was no answer I too might look through the window in case you were hoovering or just plaiin hadn't heard me. What's to worry you, they're only people?
Bless you, you've worked yourself up into a real stress about this haven't you?
As someone has already said - do try to relax, these people are your DH's family and want to love you and include you in their activities. Please don't hate them when they are trying so hard to be nice.

pinkauartz maybe you did not read the last very long posting about the very same problems The poster was given pages of empathy and advice and has now reworded all the very same problems in a new thread
That maybe why some posters are a bit less patient than you feel they should be
It’s very irritating when you give a lot of help and advice and then a couple of months or a few weeks down the line all the same or very similar rumbles and grumbles are back in a new thread
The poster has been given a a get out clause by her husband and lots of attention and support on her last thread but she is not wanting to take any but prefers asking all over again

ps - I know nothing about life in Canada, do people always make appointments before they drop by to see each other? Does no one ever drop by without arranging it first?
How old is the baby?

I read both postings. If you don't LIKE what she is posting or think it is going on too much, DON'T RESPOND.

The amount of Harry and Megan stuff on here is ludicrous. Way, way beyond obsessive. Naty, having in-law/cross culture problems is a tiny percentage contrasted to that.

I am with Naty. She is trying to make a life in an alien culture. No way would I have tolerated seeing my in-laws 5 times a week! She is being very, very tolerant.

I would not want my MIL to pop in unannounced. Particularly not if I'd just had a baby. Give me some notice. I will make sure I am dressed and that the house is tidyish.

ExD1938 anyone peering through someone else’s windows is just plain rude! Maybe they didn’t want to/couldn’t answer the door at that particular time.

Naty I feel your pain my own mother was a bit like this, back in the day.

Oh, how cute! Fil is continuing the dirty work of mil's unannounced visits! What a wonderful enabler!

Don't fool yourself, fil went to see the baby, not to work on the vines.
In fact, he now should not work on the vines ever, he is in your property, those vines belong to you, not to him

Your fil and mil are not clueless, they just don't want to listen to what you and their son are telling them - coordinate visits

Your fil disregarded a very clear statement from his son AND talked to you about "not seeing the baby for 4 days wah wah wah". Your fil has balls. You should be as mad as your dh.

Their expectations as grandparents are not your problem or duty to fulfill.

If you want to move away, you are very justified. However, you must give consequences for PIL breaking your boundaries.

They come unannounced- you kick them out without seeing or holding the baby, tell them you will call to coordinate a visit in 10 days. They complain, 20 days. MIL cries, a month. Fil disagrees, visit in 2 months. You get the drill.

They visit unannounced because you let them. It is in your power to stop it

gagajo sorry to seem rude but I don’t really need to be told when I should reply to someones posts I have as much right to post as you do just because we don’t agree doesn’t mean I shouldn’t post
It’s nothing at all to do with not liking a post or a thread but why would someone post the equivalent of a long thread all over again when she was given lots of good advice on the previous one that has obviously just been ignored

Actually Naty has had 2 long threads about her in law troubles and both had well over 200 replies each of advice and support So that’s about 450 replies, why Start another siting the same ol sane ol

I have to say I wouldn’t want anyone arriving without any prior notice - and then peering in windows to see whether I was in. I’m not over touchy or particular, but I’d find it very intrusive, so you have my sympathy there.

My in-laws would never have done it. It’s a question of basic manners and consideration to ring in advance and ask whether it’s convenient.

Having said that, I know it’s considered normal in some families in the U.K. as well as elsewhere, for people to be in and out of each others’ houses without prior notice or knocking/ringing. And families who find this perfectly normal are apt to think that e.g. a new DiL who doesn’t like it is being ‘difficult’, so I’d guess that you could be up against a basic cultural difference here.

I think you live too close for comfort. I would move. My parents lived across a main road from me and never just "popped in." I wouldn't have wanted that. I like to know when to expect people.

In my opinion not only should you tell them you are thinking of moving you should actually move, this is not going to get better.

To those that are saying we advised before so why are you asking again, the previous advice did not work.

Is this Post Natal Depression? or just a culture clash?
Being from a rural background myself, I cannot understand this need for privacy - honestly folks - don't you get very lonely if you are banning any casual visitors to your home? Do you spend all day alone with a baby?
And asking a man to move from a large property that he's been gifted and has renovated is surely not on?
There's a real problem here or she wouldn't be asking for help again. Obviously last time she didn't get the help she needed.

Sometimes the help needed is having a chat with sympathetic people. NOT that everyone on here IS sympathetic. But maybe enough of us are to be of help. A listening ear.

BlueBelle, spot on! We've been over (and over) this a few times before. I will post what I think, thanks GagaJo, - I don't need your permission.

I think Naty will be happier when she is back at work. She won't be home so much then to fret about visits. Somebody who says she has a Psychology degree should have far more insight, don't you think?

My baby will watch DVDs after the age of two. She doesn't watch anything atm. The baby will be bilingual, but we want her to watch English media to build up her exposure to the language to facilitate this (She will learn much more from you though, speaking English to her, singing English nursery rhymes, reading English books to her and telling her the English words for everything she sees and interacting in English)
They often didn't put their other grandkids in carseats. I've been a witness to this. And yes, it's a law here in Italy

I apologise if I misunderstood your comment about watching English DVDs we give them rather than Italian cartoons , it certainly sounded as if your baby was being exposed to them now. To me these are non- negotiable areas (DVDs and the car seat) and do investigate plantation shutters!
I am sorry if I came across as unsympathetic earlier, I really didn’t mean to but I do suspect you are drowning in Italian backwoods tradition! My youngest grandchild is 9 months and he is the first grandchild for DD’s in-laws, they too have done the odd thing to cause my DD to breathe deeply and just smile-leaving SIL to put them right (in the nicest possible way)
One involved turning up on their doorstep unannounced when the baby was 2 weeks old (actually they were out!) -in-laws live 50 miles away, and the other involved buying him rusks when DD had categorically said she did not want him to have them because of the sugar content. I have learned the “hard way” and keep my counsel, await invitations and make NO comment about “baby led weaning”. Actually my dog loves it when they visit because she can hoover up the debris under the high chair!

Did anyone else pick up on the phrase “needy baby”? It sounds as if the tension is being felt by the baby as well as the mother, which can’t be good for anyone.

Time to actually DO something, Naty, because nobody is benefiting from the current situation.

I don’t think this situation will change, I would move away and just maybe things could be better between the families, you are far too close, I wouldn’t want in laws or anyone looking through my windows it’s just plain rude. It seems as though your in-laws are desperate to see hold etc your child, your FIL comments he hasn’t seen the baby in 4 days, To me this is overbearing I’d be stifled! The trouble is you are too close.

''The house was a gift, restored by my husband. The land was inherited by DHs father and put aside for his son, who was going to renovate it whether married or not.''

so I agree with grannymy- that is too close, and in the Italian culture- makes you dependant to some extent. They know that you probably could never have afforded such a house and land- unless it was passed down the family. That does not make them right - but it is the reality. I don't think they will change- and I can't imagine you trusting them when you expect them to take over childcare duties- your expectations and cultural background are far too different.

Hetty, I am not going to respond to your negativity. I support Naty. That is all.

After all this time, I feel you need to seek help as its obviously impossible for you to adapt to Italian ways. As English is their second language they obviously have no idea HOW MUCH you resent what they see as their help (which you are interpreting as interference and downright spying).
I wonder what they think of your need for privacy? Can you look at it from their point of view (is that possible?).
Another thought is - are there any other sons and daughters apart from your DH? If so, do they have babies?
Could they help put your feelings across to the GPs?
And finally - do you have a job to go back to, or will you be job-seeking?

Yes, go...I hear that Vancouver Island is nice and private...

I do wonder if there is a little bit of PND in action here. Whilst I have some sympathy with the poster objecting to in-laws just dropping in if she is not used to that sort of thing, I do think that maybe there are other things going on making it become a bit of an obsession.

Did she really want to move to Italy or is she resenting the move a little?

I do agree with Madgran that a family conference is needed to thrash this all out and arrange some compromises. Is there a close friend who could sit in purely to keep the heat down?

Look. This is not the place for all of this.

Google DWIL. That’s the place you belong.