UPDATE on MIL stops by unannounced

Bibbity

I agree with bbc dwil.
However, that board doesn't joke around. Just be prepared.
Don't go there if you want to vent

Thank goodness for GagaJo providing an empathetic response. It’s always the same few that provide sniping criticism throughout. Obviously they feel they should control all boards.
I had my first child at 35, old enough to be sure about what was needed - so I thought. I hadn’t reckoned on the birth coinciding with my MinLs retirement. Always an organised woman, I hadn’t realised how domineering she could be. Particularly when her first grandchild wasn’t being brought up the way she thought was right. It took all our combined strength and will to continue to do what we felt was right. It wad never advice, it was outright sometimes shouted criticism. On the one occasion she was asked to babysit she went through our personal papers and gave us ‘advice’ on that!
It wasn’t a happy time and I’d suggest that Naty is experiencing similar turmoil in handling the perhaps uncontrollable force of her in laws. Additionally, I suspect she’s little support nearby. Look after your child and support your husband in supporting you. And please do post if you need support from here. Ignore the tight minded control freaks.

I can understand how this could be very annoying to some people who are very protective of their own and their family's privacy and who have very specific ideas about child care.

It's rather unfortunate that you're living in a country where families tend to have a more inter-generational approach and are more child focused. Your expectations of family life appear to be very different from theirs. You seem to see the wider family as something to be kept at arm's length, whereas I think Italian families tend to be much closer, and getting involved is probably seen as being helpful and friendly rather than interfering.

You do seem to be quite protective of your baby and perhaps a little reluctant for her to develop relationships outside of yourself and your husband - and you seem to accept that even "Daddy" comes second to "Mummy" in being baby's best friend. Babies and young children pick up on these signals and this can create, or reinforce, a perception of fear about the world outside the perceived safety of the nuclear family, and a tendency to becoming clinging and needy.

Personally, I think it is a mistake to shut out other people while children are babies or very young. I think to do so can affect a child's ability to feel safe and comfortable with different sorts of people, and confident in interacting with them. Feeling reasonably able to function independently and comfortably in a variety of social situations is, I believe, a very important part of a child's development.

It seems that this is becoming such a problem for you both and, if compromises can't be made and bridges built by both "parties", there is probably no alternative but to move somewhere much less accessible to your husband's family. You say this was your husband's suggestion and described it as "OTT" but isn't it even more OTT to threaten to leave with the child and force your husband to join you?

I am trusting I am not being naive and this is not some sort of spoof OP based on current events.

If I foisted myself 4-5 times a week on my DD and DGD who live locally I would drive her up the wall, I’m sure. I can’t understand the lack of empathy towards Naty. In-law’s behaviour is suffocating. I would not dream of undermining my DD and how she raises her child. When in my care I will never give her sweets as that is DD’s wish. I’d be extremely concerned about issues re: car seats. I’m not sure how old your child is but I’d try and get along to some activities geared towards babies/toddlers.

Naty's problems sound cross-cultural more than anything. Italian grandparenting v British(?) grandparenting.

I suggest she talks to some of the Italian young mothers among her friends to find out what the national norm is and then negotiates with PiL, telling them that she is struggling find a balance between Italian grandparenting and the cultural norms she is used to. Perhaps if they understood the problem they would be more willing to adjust.

I feel at the moment that, to mix metaphors Naty has backed herself into a corner and now believes digging a hole to hide in would help. It won't.

Now is the time to take a big breath, relax and start again. Try talking to and explaining to your PiL where you are coming from, that you find Italian grandparenting, very different to what you are used to, that in your country they do thingd differently and explain what they are and then ask for PiL for their co-operation in finding away through that leaves all of you happy.

Having said that, a friend of mine had an over intrusive mother who, fortunately, couldn't drive. They moved to a house not too far from her mother, that was not on a direct bus or train route.

To visit them she had to rely on them coming and collecting her. It worked a treat. They saw her regularly, but only when it was convenient. Job done.

Why is the OP so keen to share all this with a load of grandparents? Wouldn’t she be better off on Mumsnet?

Don’t say she wanted our sage advice because she’s been given lots and just ignores what doesn’t suit ?

I'm trying to support Naty here too although I do see her inability to see the problem from the 'other side' difficult to understand.
Selling up and moving could be difficult especially as the property was a generous gift from your inlaws and your husband had renovated for you. Would finances allow you an extended holiday back in Canada?
Alternatively is there an English speaking ex-pat community in your area (not necessarily Canadian, possibly Australian or British or American)? You strike me as isolated and thus at the mercy of uninvited drop-ins from your extended family. They possibly think you are lonely, and you are obviously not content.
Do follow up the PND option - its not a sign of weakness but a real illness, and it can strike many months after the birth (not to be confused with what in my day were called "the four day blues" which seemed to descent a day or two after the birth when your milk comes in. (There's an old fashioned one for you to laugh about).
Be kind to yourself Naty.

What a shame that your in-laws are just not listening to your simple request to be called first to see if it's convenient, for them to call round to see the baby.
Posters have mentioned that because of language differences they may not fully understand your request but your husband who is Italian, has spoken to them about this.
Others have mentioned cultural differences, and fair enough, Italian families are probably more in each other's pockets but that works both ways and the In-laws are not considering your cultural differences.
They are being rude by calling round and looking through your windows, so the next time they knock on your door unannounced, ignore them and if they peer through your windows and knock on them, ignore them and if they look through and see you eye to eye, ignore them.
It is up to you to be consistent in what you say, the more you keep letting them in, the more they will think it is ok.
If they complain that you saw them and ignored them, just tell them they should have given you a call first.
If all this fails, I would consider moving further away from them as your husband suggested or move back to Canada as you seem to want to do.
Also, I'd rethink them having the baby when you go back to work, as I can see problems with that, if they can't seem to follow your requests.

Hi ExD1938 I prefer my baby not to be cuddled so much. She's fussy enough as it is. In Canada we always call or text to make sure it's okay. No dropping by, especially because the traffic is TERRIBLE where we live.

Thanks, GagaJo I like to be sure I have a bra on and my house isn't a disaster. It is just making my life smaller than it has to be.

I'm sorry,BlueBelle I'm coming here because I found the replies so useful and supportive. I'm sorry I'm bothering you.

Baby is 5 months.

Wow, Hithere. You sound strict and strong. I can admire that.

I fear this can never end well for you Naty. I tend to think previous posters that DWIL is perhaps a better forum for you. And I send an enormous prayer of thanks to my DDs and DDIL for the way they have embraced the love and support they have received with such grace when each of their children was born. And continue to show their appreciation on a regular basis.

Naty,

Life taught me that people treat me as I allow them to.

I learnt the hard way.

Hi*BlueBelle*. The unannounced visits did stop. I just wanted an analysis of why ppl think FIL did this. I guess it was a power play? Not sure. Thanks for responding.

Shelmiss if it were my own mom, I'd have yelled at her by now. With a mother, you can tell her to back off. A loving in-law? That's so much harder.

Naty,

The unannounced visits did NOT stop. Your MIL did,your fil did not. In fact, he defied and disregarded your husband's very clear instructions.

Hi Witzend yes, I feel guilty and mean all the time because I feel like I'm withholding their grandchild by putting a "call ahead" in place.

BlueBelle a lot of tuose replies were me responding to people.

Hithere yes, I'm perplexed as to WHY he did it. It's such a weird instruction to ignore like that. Maybe he doesnt respect my husband as the head of his household.

grannymy did things go well with them across the street? Was it okay for your partner?

Made me think - I've been that young mum in a land far away and with a different culture.

Nobody gave us a house with land.

and no MIL or FIL ever came un-announced- in fact nobody ever came at all and I/we got no support or help at all. Zilch- nothing. I yearned for help and support and we didn't have a pot to *iss in either. So there you go.

I am on a Forum for expats from all over the world - and there are very regularly posts from people complaining that there is no spontaneity here, that you have to call in advance and send invitations - and it is so unfriendly because nobody ever pops in for a cuppa or a chat.

GrannyLaine so you are saying I'm ungrateful? It's okay if that's your opinion.

What is the forum you're talking about?

Thanks for the reply.

He probably has been tending to those vines, and his father and grandfather before him, for centuries - and feels he knows best how to prune them, etc.