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UPDATE on MIL stops by unannounced

(161 Posts)
Naty Fri 17-Jan-20 02:54:31

I'm updating on my situation (at my peril, I know. Some posters seem to strongly dislike this story..). The unannounced visits have stopped since posting...except for today.

I wouldn't have found it strange, except that my FIL came round at noon to do some gardening (he has vines on our property that he doesn't want to get rid of even though they aren't producing anything) and I pretended not to notice he was there (it's a large property, so it's easy not to spot him from the lower level). He never came to the door. As soon as I spotted him, I stayed upstairs just to see if he'd come to the door so that I could safely ignore it, as we've asked them to just call us before coming.

When my husband came home, he pointedly (and aggressively) told his dad not to peer into the windows and to call if he was stopping by. Apparently, his dad acted like a bad dog who had been hit over the nose with a newspaper (his words, not mine). My husband comes in for lunch and doesn't mention anything to me. As far as he knows, I have no clue his dad was even around. I didn't mention anything to my husband either.

My husband leaves for work.

At 4pm, my FIL comes back, finishes up his gardening and comes up to the house, peering in all the windows. When he gets to the last set, we lock eyes and I was a bit startled. I let him in and we talked for a few minutes. He holds the squirmy baby, trying to wriggle out of his arms as she's shy and then leaves.

He says "oh you only want your mom! Well your mom is your best friend. Then it's your dad. Then it's your grandparents." I find this commentary strange, because this hierarchy is universal, and it's a given...but they always tell the baby some variation of this...

He asks me how baby is doing and tells the baby he hasn't seen her in four days. They also always count the days and comment to the baby about time passed). Mind you, I invited them over 2 days ago, but he didn't come with MIL and MIL has been sick, so she's staying away at my request until 100% better....she said she got really cold the other day and started vomiting at night (she says it was drafty). I told her she probably caught something from someone else and that it could be contagious, so please wait a few says, as baby has taken a week to get over a cold that she still has).

FIL left and I was okay with the unannounced visit, as he hasn't ever done that before unless his wife is around. But when I mentioned his dad coming around later, my husband was shocked that he hadn't called. I too, was then disturbed by the reiteration of a request, ignored by FIL. It's bizarre behaviour, as FIL at noon knew he hadn't finished and was going to come back. He ignored his son's pointed request and peered through the windows anyway. Is this normal?

DH wanted to go and tear a strip off his dad, but he's not great with words and his parents are obviously bad listeners. I'd rather wait it out, but I do think of leaving Italy every day and moving back to Canada and tell my husband this (so he'll follow me...). Writing this out, it all seems crazy and ridiculous. I must be hormonal. Please advise me on this situation and not speculation of my mental state smile.

I was upset about this unannounced visit because it seems like his parents just don't care about reasonable requests and I feel that when I have to go back to work, they won't respect our wishes (putting baby in a carseat/watching English DVDs we give them rather than Italian cartoons). I feel like leaving every day and tell my husband that we shouldn't live around the corner from the in-laws. He said we can pick up and move house to a place outside of walking distance, but I think that's OTT.

Am I being unreasonable?

Callistemon Fri 24-Jan-20 11:31:22

When I was a child people were always 'popping in' as my mother's family all lived quite near, the back door was always unlocked although people did knock. I did miss that when I moved away and, although my MIL lived near, she never just popped in.

Perhaps that's why my mother rushed round every morning with a duster and vacuum cleaner, in case anyone called round. The house was always spick and span.

Callistemon Fri 24-Jan-20 11:32:34

Yes, it is going round in circles.
Naty you have to decide what's best for you and be pro-active.

ExD1938 Fri 24-Jan-20 16:57:32

I'm so glad you said that Castilmon because that's how it is here. Family and others popped round (yes they did knock at the door but it wasn't locked) and I didn't go round with a duster and hoover - they took me as they found me.
Perhaps its an old fashioned practice now as I notice many of my friends keeep their doors firmly locked, even if they are in the house. The only time I might consider doing that would be if I was taking a bath and DH was out.
Obviously thats how this Italian family work. So Naty has to learn to accept it or, as she obviously wants to do, - move away

Callistemon Fri 24-Jan-20 20:02:59

I didn't go round with a duster and hoover - they took me as they found me
Me neither, I do not take after my Mum!

Summerlove Fri 24-Jan-20 21:41:10

Obviously thats how this Italian family work. So Naty has to learn to accept it or, as she obviously wants to do, - move away

Why can’t her inlaws adjust? I know they don’t want to, but they can.

Hithere Fri 24-Jan-20 23:10:02

"Why can’t her inlaws adjust? I know they don’t want to, but they can."

Exactly

GagaJo Sat 25-Jan-20 07:28:36

I'm sure they'd make a Herculean effort to change if they knew they faced losing their son and grandchild to an overseas move.

Pretty sure my MiL wished she'd been less pushy when we moved away.

Hithere Sat 25-Jan-20 13:10:47

Gagajo,
It is sad it had to get to that.
People changing because they have no other option is a "little too late".

Why not listen and make the relationship work when it is still in good terms?

Power plays for control end up very bad.

GagaJo Sat 25-Jan-20 13:15:07

I do agree Hithere. But it seems that the grandparents just won't listen.

I had a 'stand-off' with my daughter over an unrelated issues, but the outcome was that I was going to lose contact with my grandson. So I backed down. Completely.

Some things aren't worth arguing over. Surely they could just text her OR call first? Such a small thing to ask.

Summerlove Sat 25-Jan-20 14:08:25

Some things aren't worth arguing over. Surely they could just text her OR call first? Such a small thing to ask.

It’s true seems like a small thing to ask. But I’m sure for people who are terrified of losing control, it’s a very large thing. But that doesn’t matter. You are being asked to do something, so do it or don’t and face the consequences. So simple. Naty already sees them 5 days a week.