UPDATE on MIL stops by unannounced

Breastfeeding him in the sea
Why would Gransnetters be horrified Gagajo?

Now if it was the English Channel in March yes, I would.
Or polluted by sewage or plastic all around.

Naty grandtante speaks a lot of sense.
And yes, your child will be brought up as an Italian child unless you intend to return to Canada. He will be lucky enough to learn about both cultures, learn both languages, but his home will, presumably be Italy.

Hi Naty, I have been reading all your posts and the replies with interest.

I, too, have lived abroad and found it to be a quite a lonely life. My children were at school though and, as I didn't have a work visa, I did do a bit of volunteering and made some friends, but they just didn't seem on the same wavelength as my 'home' friends. In general, I was bored most of the day and would have loved to have had an extended family who wanted to see me and whom I professed to like. My parents and in laws are long gone now and are much missed; how I wish I could turn back the clock and still have them here.

I think you are never going to change the cultural outlook of your Italian family so you can only change the way you react to it. Put up half curtains/blinds/one way window linings so no one can see if they look in and do not leave doors unlocked then people cannot just walk in. When they do come unannounced then just carry on with what you were doing, no need to stop and entertain them if they were not invited, tell them to make their own drink and get you one at the same time If you want to walk around braless, then do it-too bad if they are embarrassed. Start inviting other young mums over and say it is inconvenient as you already have guests, if they turn up unannounced.

You are feeling as you do because you want your old Canadian life back so these niggly problems are magnified in your mind, but you may feel you have more control over your life if you change the way you react. Also, one serious word of advice-never turn away a free gardener!!

ananimous nailed it.

It could all hit the fan if you do not get your act together with your husband - You do not seem to be on the same page with each other so I would start right there.
That could be difficult as I know from the experience of someone very dear to me whose in-laws have similar cultural expectations, although they are not as kind and nice as yours Naty. Your DH may take some convincing too.
It could take time and you need to be strong so that you continue with a good relationship with your PILs, for the sake of your child, you and your DH, but on your terms.

Callistemon, Re: in the sea breastfeeding. The ridiculous hoohaa about mums feeding babies in swimming pools. The fake concern and outright attacks were pathetic.

What treatment is available for moderate PND? Is Naty receiving it, I wonder?

I haven't read the whole of this thread but having ploughed through two previous of similar vein and seen the advice given I do feel this is much more to do with OP state of mind rather than exceptional 'wrong' doing on the side of the rest of the family.

I don't mean this disrespectfully Naty by any means and I think it is real to you. I suggested ages ago that you move house, other people have suggested the same, your husband has even suggested it (I think) You have dozens of reasons why you don't want that?

I would focus less on the 'folks' and more on what is making you question everything they do? My guess is that the only thing you really want is for your husband to ditch his family farm, pack up and ship off to Canada with you? I think you seem exceptionally bored with your life in Italy Maybe if you go back to work things will seem so much better? If you can't go back to work and can't leave then maybe consider writing a book (am serious as you are a good writer and do love writing).

I wish you well.

I think some of this may be cultural? Is it normal in there family/peergroup/country to hae unlimited, hands on access to grandchildren? They may see you as stand offish (you are clearly not!). It may be the family dynamics they are used to. I have to say - we rarely phone before visits in our family - and that goes both ways. Open door policy - but that is our family. They may have expected the same. They are probably doing their best. I think you have to decide how much you can cope with - consider a move if it gets too much?

I'm still reading replies. I guess yes, I'd like to move to Canada but my husband would miss his parents and so would I. Yes, I think it's more my own issues than them doing anything all that wrong, per se. They are probably surprised I'm not as open to them as they would have liked...but I'm guessing I'm feeling more resentment that they are all I seem to have nowadays, rather than my own family and friends. And yes, I'm bored in Italy right now and don't want to go back to my crap job.

I've called MIL over tomorrow to watch baby for an hour while I do some cleaning...

It's not the "come by anytime" relationship I know she was probably expecting...but 4 to 5 days a week is all I can muster right now.

We wouldn't sell this house. We love it so much. And Italians don't sell properties. If anything, we'd just do a trial run for a year in Canada...But before that, my kid needs a sibling and I'm covered for another mat leave.

I guess I'd like to transplant my husband, my family, my house and my in-laws to Canada so I can have what I have...but on the other side of the Atlantic. That's what I'd love.

I do enjoy writing! But not what many posters enjoy reading ;)

I'm not getting treatment for PND as of yet. I think I need a life overhaul, not meds.

When his family comes round I guess I feel a disconnect most of the time. Like I'm speaking under water and only a fraction of what I say or how I feel gets through or is understood. Not sure if that makes sense, but people might get it if they spoke another language in a different culture to people old enough to be your youngish grandparents.

And I think in this case, my husband's parents expected unlimited access to our child due to proximity.

I think it is mostly different cultural expectations.
we all take our cultural norms for granted, and don't even notice we have them until something comes up against them.
it seems you are quite introspective and individualist in your way of living.
the in-laws, not yet outlaws I hope !, are much more out-going, communal, extravert. their family-oriented way of life seems v attractive to me, but I am not you, and I am not having to fit in with it, in a foreign country, and away from your own friends/ family.
don't know how you can square the circle.
but could you try to relax more, I mean why must you or the house be tidied before they come. cant you just hang loose ! a bit. why would it be so bad. let them see you how you really are. I think you are trying too hard to put on a front, and this is causing some of the stress. try to let go.
by the way, not sure if you are aware, but busy-body has a v negative connotation in british English. from the context, not sue you meant it like that. here it means very nosey, interfering, obnoxious person. it does not mean someone active in a neutral or positive way.

I've been using the term busy body wrong my ENTIRE life, then..
Oh well! Thanks for letting me know!
Actually...mostly...my house is pretty clean all of the time. I like it pristine on the lower level and bathrooms. I get anxious, otherwise. BUT clean laundry can sit in a jumbled pile for ages. We all have our hot spots for clutter.
I like my in-laws way of life. I just don't want to be on their list of things to do unless they let me in on their plans (even 5 minutes ahead of time is fine).

Rather than meds (may not be prescribed anyway if you are breastfeeding) have you tried magnesium?

I take it to try to avoid cramp but it is a general relaxant too and is supposed to help the body's stress responses.

Check first re contraindications if breastfeeding though.

Thank you for the advice. I'll look into magnesium.

Funny isn't it?
Swop Naty for Meghan
Swop Inlaws for Harry
and we have two Canadians unable to compromise with different cultures. Perhaps Canadians have strong traditions of privacy.
If you insist your DH moves to Canada, discarding the wonderful gift of a house and land in Italy - he'll grow to resent you (and that is what I think will happen with Harry and Meghan). And how insulting to reject the IL's house! Please take care here
Meghan's ILs expected her to conform to British standards, she couldn't, or was not prepared to, do this. I think she'll live to regret it, as will you if you uproot your husband..
Just my opinion.

ps - how did two two meet? Was it in Italy or Canada? Just curious.

Meghan Markle is American. Canada is foreign to her, as was the UK.

Gagajo,
I disagree.
Canada and the US has way more similarities than Canada and the UK or US and the UK.

Also, let's not forget that culture in Texas is way different than the one in New York, Georgia compared with Alaska, California compared to South Carolina, for example.
The US is a huge country.

Oh yes GagaJo - my mistake. Maybe the two cultures are similar? Do people just 'drop in' like they do where I live I wonder - I live in rural Cumbria so may be quite different in outlook from more urban places.

I just know if she came to live near me with a young baby, even though we're not related I'd expect to be welcomed if I popped in for a chat, and I'd want her to feel free she could come and visit me any time.

I do acknowledge her ILs are being suffocating and unreasonable though, even for Italians, and it must be hard to take.
Lets hope the DH can make the GPs understand they are driving her away and that it could be as far as Canada.

Until 3 weeks ago, ExD1938, I lived in Northumberland. Not done by me or my family/friends to just drop in. Some friends would be polite enough to tolerate it, but some would definitely ask for a call or a text to confirm next time.

I have friends and work with Canadians, Hithere, and they are horrified if they are compared to Americans.

Ooops folks - I'm out of here before I offend anyone else.

Not offended. Just... different strokes/different folks.

I just know if she came to live near me with a young baby, even though we're not related I'd expect to be welcomed if I popped in for a chat, and I'd want her to feel free she could come and visit me any time.

But what if she was busy? Or having a day?

I’d be horrified to have to entertain anybody who popped by and expected me to be grateful for the visit as though I were just sat there waiting for someone to pay attention to me like a doll.

I can’t ever imagine expecting someone to host me if I ever had to pop by unexpectedly.

We will keep going round in circles on this thread. Look at the one about leaving doors unlocked. Some do, some don’t, but the assumptions of some of those who like ‘droppers in’ are that those who don’t feel unsafe in their homes, or are not part of the community in some way.

Neither is true of me, but I hate people dropping in without notice. It is about privacy and boundaries, plus the feeling that my own home is my own space. It’s quite fundamental for me - I don’t just ‘not like it’, it makes me feel very uncomfortable.

What any else does, or feels, or thinks is not going to change that, just as my feelings won’t influence theirs, so pages of ‘I do/did x or y’, or ‘in a culture, b or c is usual’ really get us nowhere. It comes down to personal preference.

Having said that, the similarities between this thread and the royal family situation are not lost on me, and I do wonder if we are being played here.