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Partner objects to grandchildren being around so much

(29 Posts)
Lulu450191 Fri 17-Jan-20 21:56:58

Hi I’ve just joined but would like some advice please. I have been with my partner about 8 years living together for two years. I have three children I brought up on my own and four grandchildren. Whenever my children come he makes an excuse to go out and not spend time with them. It’s even worse when they come with the grandkids or the grandkids want to stay. He will go to his parents and stay if they sleepover and often there is an atmosphere. My daughter has two boys age 9 and 4 and they have stayed the past three Saturdays which I love so she can go out in a date as she has no one to look after them and this has caused an enormous rift between me and partner. He had gone back to his parents! He thinks I don’t care about him and I spend too much time with gc and daughters. I am fed up with trying to juggle things and keep the peace together with feeling guilty. I am very family orientated and surely shouldn’t have to choose not sure what to do. Has anyone had a similar situation please?

Hetty58 Fri 17-Jan-20 22:04:56

He is the one who has to choose, not you.

You come as a package with your own family, kids and grandkids.

He can make an effort to get along with them - or make himself absent as he has been doing. That's his choice!

muffinthemoo Fri 17-Jan-20 22:12:24

what a mardy b*gger!

You are a mother and grandmother and your entire world cannot revolve around a man. I would have thought he was of an age to appreciate a bit of alone time anyway?

He is behaving like a teenager. Is there something underlying this clingy behaviour?

M0nica Fri 17-Jan-20 22:14:59

Surely he knew when you got together that you had AC and at least one grandchil, with the real possibility of this number increasing.

I assume from your post that he is childless and has no siblings with children and grandchildren.

It seems to be that currently you are like boxers either side of the ring, each taking opposite views: he finds your grandchildren too much and thinks they come before him and you say I am very family orientated and surely shouldn’t have to choose

Have you considered sitting down together and discussing the issue in a non confrontational way. This means both of you giving a bit and reaching a mutally agreeable arrangement.

Tangerine Fri 17-Jan-20 22:18:16

He's in the wrong. A calm and full discussion is needed. He knew you had three children when he met you.

SANDY2020 Fri 17-Jan-20 22:18:30

Dont put this man over your children or grand children please let him go and u he there fir your family sod him xx

Lulu450191 Fri 17-Jan-20 22:24:10

Thank you so much he says he feels overwhelmed by them and won’t get involved

Lulu450191 Fri 17-Jan-20 22:27:03

Hi thank you. He is currently at his parents as we are having a break as I’m not sure if I can continue like this. He is always very negative whereas I am the opposite and it is dragging me down. He does have one daughter who is on her own with no children and he sees her regularly or when she wants to meet up. I’m at a loss as hate to choose between them but feel like I’m being forced

lemongrove Fri 17-Jan-20 22:27:44

Sounds as if he really isn’t the man for you, sadly.
The situation won’t just clear up or go away.He wants a woman in his life who has no commitments or loyalty to her family, and he won’t stay to help you or have fun with the children.
Either accept that’s the way he will always be ( and he can go and have weekends with his parents whilst you enjoy seeing the grandchildren) or decide that living with him is a mistake.

Lulu450191 Fri 17-Jan-20 22:27:56

Thank you I agree x

Lulu450191 Fri 17-Jan-20 22:28:34

Beginning to think that way to be honest x

Happygirl79 Fri 17-Jan-20 22:30:43

He is jealous of the attention you are giving to your family
This is not good
Is he a controlling man?

SANDY2020 Fri 17-Jan-20 22:32:39

I put a man before my son.....never again your kids grandkids will always be with you men nope!!!he has to appreciate they come as part of you god one night in 7 boo hoo go to bed early out way or actually find something u can all do go for a meal at a kid friendly pub drive for a icecream go for a walk if hes not willing to put in a effort on occasions I'd say he doesn't love you darl get rid xx

Lulu450191 Fri 17-Jan-20 22:33:19

Thank you everyone you have clarified what I have been feeling. I think
Over the next week or so some very frank discussions will be taking place so pleased I asked for the advice as was starting to think I shouldn’t be feeling so strongly about my family x

M0nica Fri 17-Jan-20 22:33:45

If the relationship matters, a satisfactory compromise can be reached. If you have not had children and grandchildren, other people's children can be very verwhelming .

My DD chose not to marry or have children. When her niece and nephew were small, she loved them, but found more than about an hour at a time in their presence was overwhelming and on several family holidays when they were small, we used to make sure that DD got several hours a day to herself away from the children. Now they are older and less all over her, she can be comfortable with them as she is with adults, but for someone nt used to children, they can be overwhelming, especially young ones.

twiglet77 Fri 17-Jan-20 22:35:07

I can't stand men who sulk or have tantrums about not coming first in a competition for attention. Your family is a vital part of the package that you're part of. If he doesn't like that, he needs to go, and stay gone.

ElaineI Fri 17-Jan-20 22:40:08

I think you have answered your own point. Your family mean a lot to you and it is not relaxing to be on tenterhooks in case partner is offended/fed up/trying to compete with children. Could you go back to living apart perhaps? Having said that it is exhausting having small children all day and for children under 4/5 it is full on all the time. Perhaps not so much with a 9 year old. Today we have had 21 month old (unplanned as childminder has norovirus) from 7am and 6 year old and almost 3 year old from noon and we are now collapsed exhausted drinking wine! All of them want Papa all the time and the 2 littlies now compete for toys/attention and everything else! DH is happy to oblige but now knackered and I can see if you are not used to children it might be difficult to adjust.

Lulu450191 Fri 17-Jan-20 22:42:03

Thank you x

Lulu450191 Fri 17-Jan-20 22:42:54

He has a daughter but no gc x

Hithere Fri 17-Jan-20 23:57:05

You are not a good match

ladymuck Sat 18-Jan-20 07:12:44

I sympathise with both of you. When you got together, he knew you had a family and naturally they would be a big part of your life.
It's unreasonable, though, to expect him to treat them as part of HIS family. For him to spend the day somewhere else when your family visit is quite an acceptable thing to do.
However, to complain that you don't care about him is childish nonsense.

Liz46 Sat 18-Jan-20 07:34:57

That's sad. My second husband loves my gc and treats them as his own. They were born after we married and we were invited to the hospital within a few hours of them being born so that might make a difference.

My daughter totally trusts him with them and he was left looking after them for several hours when the youngest was tiny, while we all went to a family funeral.

Curlywhirly Sat 18-Jan-20 07:43:39

Sorry, but no man would come between me and my children/grandchildren.

He's the one who is being unreasonable; he shouldn't make you feel guilty, or make you choose. You are doing nothing wrong, he however, is acting like a spoilt child.

H1954 Sat 18-Jan-20 07:59:34

He sounds like my ex! Very possessive, very mardy and could sulk for England! He would ignore my parents when they visited, often turning up the tv to drown out conversation, only ever wanted to visit his side of the family at Christmas etc, refused to go to weddings/christenings and when our own babies came along he resented and objected to the amount of time I had to dedicate to them! Hence, he's now my EX! Show you man the way out! How could he possibly not realise that you would be so close to your AC and GC?

Yehbutnobut Sat 18-Jan-20 08:04:17

You need to sit this man-child down and tell him his choices.