Mothers Day

Ceitdh, I understand how you are feeling upset and I’m sorry you’ve had such a tough time from many of the posters here, some of whom might think about being kinder to a new and upset granny. ?

Mother’s Day has become an emotional minefield for many, and although we know it’s fundamentally a marketing ploy by card manufacturers (!), it’s becoming bigger and bigger in people’s minds. It’s celebrated on different days in different countries, so quite easy to create your own special day!

We often don’t see our daughter on Mothers Day, so we plan a lunch or dinner a few days beforehand, which works very well.

As others have said, it’s just a day, and you can plan another special day with your daughter and her very lovely baby. ?

It is perfectly reasonable they'd want to celebrate it as their own little family,but also reasonable that the daughter would wish to share it with her own mum too! At least a tiny bit of it! I would.as im sure lots of daughters would.( the posters other daughter does!) I suppose you could always ring your DD and suggest she 'does her own thing' this yr for mums day,but ask her to call before or after lunch so can see new baby too and she can give your gift/ card if they've got anything?as you'd very much like to take some photos of her first mums day also?which would let her off the hook,but show youre willing to compromise? See what she says? Its seems a good middle ground to me as yes,i too would want to share at least a very small part of this memorable day for you both.maybe nxt year you wont be as bothered,but yes,i can see why this 'first' is special to you too.

And why shouldnt you!-even if its only for a little half hour visit on their way to the lunch to take some lovely photos? So youl all have a treasured memorable photo of the day on your wall etc? And why has she not rung and mentioned it yet? Is she ever going to,or just not bother showing up on mothers day& leave it to her sister to 'do the dirty work' of letting you down?

Why can’t photos be done on Saturday?

Why put the daughter In a “bad guy” role here? We don’t know why it hasn’t been mentioned, However there is nothing to suggest that she just wouldn’t show up. It doesn’t sound like they were any firm plans made anyway.

How very selfish, you have had your daughters attention on Mother’s Day for years, now she has her own child it is her turn, she is a mother too and deserves to spend the day with her husband and child being as pampered as you have always been.

I suppose you could always ring your DD and suggest she 'does her own thing' this yr for mums day,but ask her to call before or after lunch so can see new baby too and she can give your gift/ card if they've got anything?

....this is the exact opposite of suggesting she does her own thing. Surely you see that?

If she still insists on the saturday,maybe you can have that with her AND the sunday with your other daughter- maybe you go to her house and share it with her whole family? It might be just as nice to have two mothers day celebrations? If youve no choice.

I'd rather have time with my children because they wanted to be with me not due to media/commercial pressure. Pubs and restaurants are crowded, over priced most places trying to fit in two if not more sittings on Mother's Day. The food is usually poor with little choice as well. Go out the next weekend when its quieter with fewer badly behaved children.

No summerlove,its suggesting she goes off to the lunch theyve booked but also making time for her own mum too to see her& the new baby.CAN YOU NOT SEE THAT?

So was the reason you paid for your daughter's IVF on condition that she spend every single mother's day with you? Are you intending to use it as a bargaining chip every time they want to do something you don't agree with? Is the fact that you give and do everything for them just so they feel obligated to bow down to your wishes on any given occasion?

If this sounds harsh then that is how you are coming across in your own words. Your eldest daughter obviously longed to become a mother herself and you helped make that happen but now you and your ego are not allowing her to celebrate her own motherhood for the very first time. Really sounds like you paid out not with a smile but an ulterior motive so yes you are being very unreasonable. A real and loving parent should give their time, and money if needed, freely and without any expectations or demands. So what if both daughters have always had lunch with you for years, times change, situations change, get over yourself and put your eldest daughter's happiness and feelings first, which is what any loving parent does.

I might ask what about her husband's mother? When does he get to see his mother on mother's day? If your eldest wants to see you on the Saturday so flipping what! It means you have two days of celebration not one. You can have long cuddles with the grandchild you paid for without your grandson feeling pushed out by the new baby then on Sunday you can make a fuss of him without distractions of the baby.

I am also going to ask what will happen in future years when your grandchildren grow up and want to take THEIR mother out or spend the day treating her? I had to juggle myself between my demanding mother and spending time doing things with my own children and it was a complete nightmare. Consequently I rarely spent any time on mother's day enjoying being a mother myself as I had to be a daughter and go to see my mother because that was what was expected of me lest I upset her feelings even though I saw her twice or three times a week every week, took her out shopping and to lunch every week.

This year on mother's day my daughter will be working, caring for someone else's mothers and I am proud of her for it and when she finishes her shift her daughters will have dinner with her and give her their gifts. I will put no pressure on her to come over and see me as well or even buy me anything if she can't afford it as I know money is tight for them at the moment. My son lives 2 hours away with his family and he is busy running his own successful business and will be under pressure to complete projects and invoice them out before the end of the month so again I will put him under no guilt at not being able to spend time with me on mother's day.

I am no saint or unselfish earth mother or anything like that it's just that I have absolutely no need whatsoever for them to buy me anything or have them take me to lunch or dinner on that one particular day as if to prove they love and care for me because I KNOW that they do, and are grateful too for whatever I do for them as they say thank you and do things for me of their own free will THROUGHOUT the year to show their appreciation. OK I get that it's NICE to be made a fuss of on mother's day and made to feel special but if you NEED your children to see you and treat you on that day and get upset if they don't then you really should take a long hard look at why.

I can see that.

No need to shout.

But DD allegedly wants to have the day to herself, with her husband and child. Stopping in elsewhere changes that.

What’s wrong with Saturday? I’d much rather have a planned visit on a different day, then have to feel squeezed in before or after lunch. Especially if the baby is young and on a schedule they may only have a short window to get out.

Hopefully the OP is reflecting on these responses. That may be why she hasn’t responded yet. My ACs both live at opposite ends of the country and I live in the middle, so I very rarely see them on Mother’s Day. However as my DD and my 2Dils are all mothers (DD is in a gay relationship) then I am happy for them all to celebrate with their own families. They both send me cards and gifts always thanking me for what I do for them or did for them, which isn’t much because of where we all live. I have never resented this arrangement. OP should be grateful if her family are close enough to visit frequently. Like Christmas, Easter and Father’s Day it’s just another day.

A half an hour visit on the way is not unreasonable.just to drop the cards off.take a photo.see the baby.wave them off.

My sons come round at some point close to the date- my elder son is separated from his wife- very good friends still though- so usually comes on the day.My younger son comes round but takes his wife out with the children on the day itself.
I am fine with that- I had my time when they were little & now my DiLs deserve the same treatment.

Becoming a mum was obviously so important to your daughter, IVF is not easy to go through and many women find it very draining. Let her enjoy her first mothers day and be happy for her.
She will see you another day.

Nannan2

You’re suggesting that the DD should be making the effort to see her mom as well, and that her husband may have ‘vetoed’ it, without any actual information to suggest that. The OP has heard this entirely through hearsay from her other daughter, they may full well be intending to pop in and drop cards/presents.

But, even if they aren’t, what is the big deal, really? I’ve not spent every Mother’s Day with my mother. My first year as a new mom I spent it just DD, DH and I, DH wanted to take me out and treat me for the day as I was in the middle of all sleep deprived stage and he thought I deserved treating and celebrating my first year as a mom. We saw both of our mothers either side of the day. The next year we popped in to both of our mothers on the morning and went and did something on the afternoon that’s just for us. Neither of our mothers had an issue with it, as MiL said ‘I’ve done my parenting, it’s your turn now’, she also bought me chocolates for Mother’s Day as well, to thank me for the job I do with her grandchild. We do the same with Father’s Day as well.

I fully expect that as DD gets older and maybe has her own family that will change and she will become the centre of that day, and I’d be happy then to see her happy.

And CAPITALS summerlove, are not always SHOUTING(as in text-speak) just often as cant use italics,or whatever,to differentiate them,as just used above by amoria,(&myself)

You've probably had a bit of a shock reading these responses. Now it's time to have a good hard think about your relationship with your family.
I would take a bunch of daffodils or tulips to spoil her on her very special day which she has waited so long for. As a grandmother to 2 IVF GC I know just what a painful journey my daughter and her husband took.
A small bunch of flowers would say so much about how you understand what a very special occasion this years Mothers Day is for all of you. It might make you feel better too ??

It would have been nice if you could be included on the day, after all it is Mothering Sunday, so why not celebrate both Mothers, you as your Daughter's Mother and your Daughter being a first-time Mother and it being about both of you, it does seem rather harsh leaving you out, I guess you feel second best being relegated to the Saturday, I don't think you are being selfish at all, it is quite hurtful and I feel for you.

But Georgygirl the OP says ‘I feel he could have taken her out the Saturday’ and ‘ But i feel mothers day is for spending with your mother not your husband‘.

Sounds the like OP wouldn’t be happy with that compromise as her Son in law would still be there, and she clearly thinks that it should be just her, her children and grandchildren that day. That is extremely selfish! Why shouldn’t the son in law want to spend the day with the mother of his child. And what about his mother? Does she not get to see her grandchild. Sounds like the OP has a set idea about how she thinks the day should go and expects everyone else to fall in line with it. She needs to compromise as well.

Dear lady, you do need to be very, very careful now, because to be blunt the attitude you are expressing here will ruin your relationship to your daughter, son-in-law and grandchild.

Your daughter has become a MOTHER. just be glad that until her child is old enough to celebrate her on mother's day, your son-in-law is doing so.

Congratulations on the grandchild, and do please accept the new developments in the family that will come along now. Probably the young couple will want to spend Christmas alone with their baby.

Perhaps you should consider doing less for them and spending time on other things.

Im just saying that as a daughter,id have hoped she would want to still see and appreciate her own mum too.even if only for a short while..sad to say,but in reality,her own mum may not be around forever,but she will (hopefully) have decades of mums days with her child,and i for one would have (if i was that op's daughter) wanted to share some of that very special day with the lady who had not only given me life,but helped me have the chance to be a mum too!- even if only for a cuppa& give her a gitft etc.then go off happilly to my own special lunch.i wouldnt have enjoyed lunch not doing so..this young lady seems a bit selfish to want her mums help to get there,then the minute shes become a mother throw her own mum aside as if to say " oh its my turn at last" & forgot who helped(and loved her all these years) im sorry if some of you dont like it but thats how this girl comes across and i feel for OP.never mind you all 'telling her off' i can see why she'd be upset and sad,and of course she would want to share her girls extra-special mums day,wouldnt you?

I have three children. One lives miles away and doesn’t do special days. One son had children so should be treating his wife. Other son is expecting first child . I might see him if he’s not busy. It would be lovely to spend time with one of them but it probably won’t happen. I do lots for all of them but they have their own lives. It sounds to me as if the OP has been fortunate for many years but things change. I’d be delighted to have two celebrations instead of one. Appreciate what you have.

As i said originally,why did the SiL not arrange a 'special' lunch for ALL of them together,on the mothering sunday,even if they couldnt all go out to eat,maybe ring his wifes mum& sister and ask them to lunch at their home and to each bring some food so its nothing for his wife to cater,but they can get together & celebrate all of them being mums& grandmums (& dads) and so not cutting everyone else out.?

Nannan2

Perhaps the SIL wanted to spend his wife’s first MD with just her and their new baby. Not with the rest of the family. If so, I can quite understand that. Even if they all get on well together, sometimes you don’t always want it to be Old Uncle Tom Cobley and All!

That would have shown how much more caring he is,wouldnt it? That he cares for everyones feelings,not just 'doing something' special for the new mum? Anyone can pick up a phone to book a table somewhere..not everyone one puts more effort into it by arranging a whole get together so no one feels sad or left out.also for everyone to welcome& appreciate the new baby,take some photos to comemorate the 'first' mums day- result? Everyone happy and his wife not feeling guilty at choosing or tired out by going out for a day,or catering,and remembering her first mothers day with memories to treasure for life.of her whole family.together.