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Missing my baby granddaughter feeling hopeless

(135 Posts)
granAnnie Fri 22-May-20 08:33:23

I'm reaching out for some connection because I'm struggling for hope. I live in Scotland and my daughter, her husband, and my now 8 month granddaughter live in England. She is my first grandbaby. I work full-time and was there helping for her birth and regular trips to see her. I last saw her in March before lockdown, where I held her in my arms. I knew, then, that it may be some time before I see her again.

granAnnie Fri 22-May-20 08:46:43

Ooops hit return before I finished. When I visit my daughter I stay in her house. Neither of us can see a way forward - if I lived near her I could see her at a distance, but once it's ok to travel there I have to stay at her house. We agreed when it's possible I'll stay for an extended period of time (if I get permissions from work). I try very much to stay positive, and have much gratitude they are all well. The other grandparents live close by and at least see her from a distance. She is a very much loved baby, and I know they are aching to hold her again. Right now, I just wish I could see her. My daughter is an only child and we are very very close. She is upset that her baby daughter is missing out on all the bonding, and, well, it's just hard. I know I am not alone, but I just wanted to find some companionship today with my emotional feelings. I'm very resilient. I've been alone for weeks (now working from home). I'm quite introverted so can cope with lockdowns etc, but this missing and aching to see the wee one is really hard. Thanks for listening.

Maggiemaybe Fri 22-May-20 09:07:43

It is hard, granAnnie, and sometimes we just need to vent. There’s nothing any of us can do but to empathise and to tell you that it will pass. We’ve just to look to the future and do whatever we can to get through it. Thank goodness for modern technology, eh? thanks

granAnnie Fri 22-May-20 09:20:30

Thank you Maggiemaybe. I appreciated being able to write my feelings down, and that you heard and acknowledged my post. And yes, I'm so thankful for the gift of modern technology/facetime smile

TwiceAsNice Fri 22-May-20 09:24:55

I do so feel for you missing a small baby. My best friend is in the same position missing her first grandson going through his milestones they grow so quickly. I hope you can distract yourself and are able to see the little one as soon as possible

gillybob Fri 22-May-20 09:27:18

I totally understand how you feel granAnnie . I have looked after my toddler granddaughter (2) for a day or two every week since she was born . I would usually see her and my DD at least 3 times a week . They only live in the next town to me but I can’t see them and It’s breaking my heart. I daren’t even go and see her through the fence as at 2 she will not understand why grandma can’t come in and play.

There are many of us “hands in grandmas” in a similar Situation and it’s awful it really is.

Mamabear255 Fri 22-May-20 11:03:31

Hi
I also live in Scotland and am finding the lockdown really difficult just now. My DD has just had twins 3 weeks ago and she has a two year old. My arms just ache to hold the new babies and hug my granddaughter. I know my girl is struggling and I am feeling totally helpless. I’m fed up with living life through a screen.

granAnnie Fri 22-May-20 11:23:28

Thank you, all of you, for your responses. It means a lot and has helped me this morning. Thank you also for sharing your thoughts and experiences. Mamabear, when the wee one was born I spent a few weeks on and off to help my daughter. Our grown up daughters need us too, and I am terribly sad to hear your daughter has new baby twins and a toddler and missing you. I hope you'll be able to get through today ok x

Cs783 Fri 22-May-20 11:28:35

Yes @Mamabear255 it seems even harder when mum is struggling and we feel helpless. My DD has been - we hope temporarily - seriously physically affected by the birth of her son last July and virtually housebound for months even before lockdown. The only consolation @GranAnnie is that little one definitely is bonding with us through regular screen time. Oh the ridiculous things we do to make babies smile!

Katyj Fri 22-May-20 13:41:56

GranAnnie I sympathise it is truly awful. I miss mine so much, and think about them a lot, probably too much. Looking forward to a FaceTime this weekend it’s a small consolation. I look forward to going to sleep now as I seem to dream about them most nights, and wake up full of love. Hope it’s not too long now for you, at least your not alone, there’s lots of us in the same boat.

maddyone Fri 22-May-20 13:58:31

granAnnie and Mamabear how difficult it is for you both. I miss mine of course, but we FaceTime and send stories and my daughter and son both send pictures and video clips of the children. It’s much harder when they’re babies, as it’s much more difficult for them to bond with you, but please ask your daughters to send video clips and pictures, and do some FaceTime with them as then the babies will recognise your voice and face when you actually see them again.
I feel for your daughter Mamabear. My daughter had twins and they’re hard work. And with a two year old as well. She definitely needs your help, but is going to have to manage. Could you do her laundry for her? My daughter delivers laundry to the front door and we collect it and do it for her. It’s a small way to help her at this difficult time.

Cornwallgal Fri 22-May-20 14:32:08

I’m so with you and sending a virtual hug. It is literally hurting that I can’t hold my two grandchildren. On FaceTime they are growing up in front of my eyes and I feel that I’m missing such a lot of their lives. I’m in Cornwall and they are in London. We were hands on childminders for them for one week every month as they both work as Police officers. We adored our time there but since March we haven’t been with them and it’s beginning to feel more and more painful. I’m praying that soon I can hold them again and hug my daughter too. X

granAnnie Fri 22-May-20 15:53:40

Big huggs to you all, and for giving me some of your time when you are hurting too smile You are all amazing. My daughter and I face-time daily and she sends photos and lots of videos smile

lilypollen Fri 22-May-20 16:43:08

This echoes my feelings too. Maybe after 9 weeks 0f lockdown, the impact of separation is really hitting home. I broke down this morning over the same issue really wanting physical contact with two sons and 2 grandchildren. DH offered to drive over to the GC, half an hour away but I thought seeing them in person would be too difficult for them as well as me. Facetime it has to be.

Witzend Fri 22-May-20 16:49:52

Sympathies, granannie. We have a baby Gdd born in January, last cuddle was 4th March. We did have a socially-distanced meet up with dd and Gdd the other day - halfway between our houses, but that was the only one since lockdown and there were no cuddles.

However my dd is very good at sending photos and little videos nearly every day, which is lovely. Could your dd do similar, if she isn’t already? Of course it’s not the same, but it does help a lot.

MawB Fri 22-May-20 17:07:24

I miss my grandchildren too of course but are things not getting a bit out of proportion?
Spare a thought for Grans whose grandchildren are on the other side of the Atlantic or even on the other side of the world. They live with this day in, day out and certainly do not love their grandchildren any less.
When ours were born we lived in London and both sets of GPS lived in Scotland. They saw the little ones perhaps three or four times a year. Even when my in laws moved to East Sussex, we saw them perhaps once a month or every two months for Sunday lunch.
We didn’t have FaceTime or Zoom just regular landline phone calls.
If OP is working full time it cannot have been that easy even under normal conditions to see her new grandchild all that often, surely?
So come on, Grans, Gran up!

mcem Fri 22-May-20 17:42:45

Missing R(11) and L(9). Missed Ruaridh's first birthday and first steps. Mum and Dad are very good at sending frequent videos. I fully support why we're doing what we're doing but the 'get a grip' philosophy isn't quite working.
Today heard of one gran who thinks it's a super idea to buy a shower curtain, cut holes for the arms and cuddle the DGC!

Maggiemaybe Fri 22-May-20 17:43:58

Twins, Mamabear, how lovely. I’m sure that for you, and me, and others with grandchildren born in or just before lockdown, the crux of the matter is that we worry for our own children, who have had a very strange welcome to motherhood. Apparently cases of post natal depression have soared in lockdown, which is hardly surprising. My own DD - first baby, born early by C-section - has felt very isolated, with her partner a frontline worker, no hospital visitors (even the baby’s father), no midwife or health visitor home visits, no chance to get out and about and meet other new mums, no access to the baby clinic or the GP surgery. The recent relaxation of restrictions has been a godsend, and our two face to face meetings so far have done us both the world of good, even at a 2 metre distance. It would be even better if I could give my girl a hug when she’s worried about her baby’s health.

Katyj Fri 22-May-20 18:56:52

Maw its all relative.Those grans that have children overseas love them dearly of course ,but the difference is they probably had a very sad time when their children up and left to start a new life, and have now got used to a different kind of relationship.
This was thrust upon us with very little notice, we’re not used to it yet and suffering, as are the children if their not old enough to understand.
We will all get used to this eventually but let’s hope we don’t have to .

MawB Fri 22-May-20 19:07:59

Yes it is all relative
Would you ever forgive yourself if you unwittingly passed on the virus to a grandchild? Or if they developed Kawasaki syndrome as a complication? As has happened to my cousin’s great niece.
Would your adult children forgive themselves if you as an older person died from the virus?
Whether we are used to it or not we just need to get on with it. No point in feeling hopeless save that for those whose family are terminally ill.
Our parents and grandparents were made of sterner stuff when they were parted from their children for months or years during evacuation, but they put up with it for their children’s good.
My youngest grandchildren don’t understand either but I refuse to add to everybody’s stress levels by making a fuss about how I feel. Vent by all means but pick yourself up and look forward to happier days.

Katyj Fri 22-May-20 19:23:01

No I would never forgive myself that’s why I’m not seeing them and won’t until it’s deemed safer. I’m not feeling hopeless and am eternally grateful that my family are well 🤞and coping
marvellously.
GranAnnie is just looking for a bit of friendly companionship whilst trying to get through a difficult time that she didn’t expect.

granAnnie Fri 22-May-20 21:14:39

MawB, to give some context I am myself a working healthcare professional in the NHS and have worked in my profession for 40 years this year, and would never do anything to put my family, or anyone for that matter, at risk. I take the point that to use the word 'hopeless' may have sounded insensitive when others have it far worse - and I do know this working in the NHS during a pandemic. What I have learned though this crisis, is that it is ok to be vulnerable. Feeling ok to open up some difficult feelings does not equate with weakness. I appreciate you have your point of view that you wished to convey, but it is not ok to say to someone that their feelings are invalid.

MawB Fri 22-May-20 21:33:43

I did not say your feelings are invalid.
I said we need to be big enough, mature enough and unselfish enough to put the welfare of those we profess to love more than ourselves, ahead of our own. And having moaned, move on.

Maggiemaybe Fri 22-May-20 22:34:13

Feeling ok to open up some difficult feelings does not equate with weakness.

Very true, granAnnie. And GN is generally a good place for talking things over with others in similar circumstances. I hope your thread has been helpful to you.

Dillonsgranma Sat 23-May-20 09:24:37

I FaceTime my little grandsons. Can you do that? Or Skype? It helps just to see them every day. I’m longing fir a cuddle though but I know it will be a long time yet as I’m vulnerable and not allowed out