Advice regarding stubborn dad

My son in law lost 90% of his hearing virtually overnight through illness. He wears hearing aids in both ears and says, "I wear glasses to help my eyesight what's wrong with wearing hearing aids to help my hearing" Too many people see them as some sort of stigma, same way braces on your teeth used to be when I was young, now they seem to be a status symbol

Re TV and radio, my mother had headphones that plugged into them so we could all sit in the same room and comfortably hear the programme!

Yes, it is your place, so try to talk to him about this again.

I suggest you start by telling him that you have noticed that he misses a lot of what is going on (being said) if there are many people in a room, or background noise.

Mention the sound level of the TV and that it is too loud for the rest of the family, if it suits him.

Say it worries you to see him being and feeling left out.

Explain that hearing aids are so discreet these days that they are far less easy for others to spot than previously.

Offer to make an appointment for him, either with his G.P. or with a hearing clinic.

If he is still obstinate, then is the time to mention that you feel he is no longer really capable of looking after your children, as you are terrified by the thought that he might miss something really important that a child says to him.

If that doesn't work, then I am sadly afraid the only thing you can do is to make other arrangements for child-care and stick to them. Doing so might just bring home to him what he is missing.

My husband took upon himself the difficult task of telling my mother that she was no longer fit to drive. These tasks fall to our lot, as the child of elderly parents. They have to be done, but none of us enjoying having to do them.

Might your father be more willing to listen to your husband? My mother would listen neither to me, nor my sister, but she did listen to her son-in-law.

I’m the same age as your Dad and I’ve been wearing hearing aids for 2 years now. I realised I was missing out on the fun at social or family events and wanted the tv on a louder volume than my husband. I tried NHS ones first but they didn’t work very well so I went to Boots. I’m pleased with the aids but they are hidden under my hair. Not so easy for a man. I was told that the isolation caused by not being able to hear well can lead to mental health issues and even dementia. I would urge him to get tested. He doesn’t have to tell anyone. Only my husband and my best friend know about mine. Even my AC don’t know. Mind you I need to be careful when putting on my face mask!

I've had deteriorating hearing since I was in my early fifties and was prescribed aids in 2015, aged 65. It revolutionised my ability to follow conversations in crowded places. It is important to wear them when driving so that you can be sure of hearing emergency vehicles' sirens.
You do need to persevere for several weeks while your brain adjusts to the assistance the aids are giving. Initially, I was very aware of my hair swishing against my ears! I know a few men who have given up within days, which is frustrating for all concerned and a waste of NHS resources. Aids, check ups, maintenance and batteries are all provided for nothing for ever!
I appreciate that it is easier for women to conceal aids with their hairstyles but I wouldn’t be without mine. The joy of discovering that other birds besides seagulls live in Torquay is priceless! Babyshark: I hope you can share these responses with your father. It’s because you love him that you want the very best for him. Good luck!

You won’t shift his stance on this ...I’ve been pleading with my husband for 20 years ( he’s 74 today) to get hearing and eyesight tested. He’s not seen a optician for 20 years. Now he won’t see doctor ...for anything.... won’t have usual bloods done .... won’t take any interest in his own health. His parents were the same and I believe both died before their time because of this family intractability. I have now realised it isn’t genetic , but a ‘meme’ ... passed through his family. My throat had been sore and hoarse trying to hold conversations with him ...i have now given up. It makes for a lonely life , not just for them, but for you.. I know it has made me lonely... but my throat is recovering. I refuse to do anymore worrying on his behalf...he’s an adult , as is yours...let them make their own decisions ..... but do t you ‘lose your voice’ or indeed your sanity, try to make these people see sense! Good luck.

As a family you are probably enabling him more than you realise by repeating yourself and raising your voices when he doesn't hear.

I just wasn't aware that we were doing this for my Mum until my son & DIL broke into fits of laughter every time we spoke to them on skype.

When I asked why they said it was hilarious watching us, every time they spoke my Mum would turn to me and say "what was that" or "what did they say" and I would turn and shout back to her what they had said. I simply hadn't realised!

I had a word with her and said that I was not going to repeat myself any more and if she wanted to hear then she had to do something about it.

She now wears hearing aids and copes much better.

It’s a tricky one, I had the same with my husband, who was 69 when it got to be a problem. Tv too loud, kept having t9 repeat myself. He was adamant that it was me mumbling not him. Eventually he went to get a hearing test, realised it was him! And only agreed to get a hearing aid when he realised he could get them on the nhs. They are very discreet. Maybe speak to him and suggest he goes to his go to prove you are wrong and he doesn’t need them?

Being hard of hearing can be a factor with dementia. Sorry I can’t remember the article I read about it. But it’s to do with becoming isolated from discussions, because you can’t hear what’s going on.
I have a stubborn husband who won’t entertain a hearing aid. He also has dementia. He’s older than your dad though. But his hearing problem was apparent for ages before he was diagnosed with dementia. He said we all mumbled. And eventually if we were with a group of people socially, he just couldn’t join in with the conversation. He used to be very social, chatty , interested in what was going on. I do think not being able to hear, played a big part.

But stubborn men are a nightmare. Try again with your dad. I wish I’d insisted my husband had a hearing test years again.

My Dad's hearing went due to the nature of his work. After the TV getting louder and louder so that he could hear it, he finally got a hearing aid. He only wore it selectively. He then had dementia and it became so difficult to communicate when he started losing his hearing aid.
It is very hard for some people to admit that they are becoming old, but it is not worth missing out on life or causing distress for your family.

Maybe approach from the angle that his ears May be blocked with wax ( you say he’s tried to clear them. GP surgeries won’t do wax removal now
but some opticians have a side service- they can examine his ears and use a “suck out “ wax extraction if needed. (Costs about £40 but painless, quick and effective) If that doesn’t work they will be able to suggest what’s next!

As with many other posters, I now wear aids but resisted and was in denial for many years, 'me, deaf? No, it's you, stop mumbling' etc.

No aid, be it knee, hip, hearing aid or glasses is as good as the original - in good working order but wearing hearing aids will change you and your father's lives immensely, for the better.

The longer your father prevaricates, the more difficult it will be for his brain to be trained to accept them plus, there is the issue of possible faster dementia and not least, a family row if you are continually having to shout at him!

I really did think my family had conspired to mumble as a group!

Are you able to print out these responses and leave them in a strategic spot for him to find?

Wishing you both good luck!

Have you tried writing him a letter he might not hear all you say. Remind him of how much you all care about him and how sad it is for his grandchildren not to have long chats with him. Tell him how it makes you all reluctant to have family gatherings when you know he cannot fully enjoy them

Tell him if he wants to continually be left out of group conversations and so on, then just crack ignoring the problem, but that he can't look after the grandchildren unless he gets a diagnosis with his hearing as it's not safe for him to do so.

I've heard that hearing loss causes the aging process to accelerate because it causes social isolation. Your father is already experiencing this effect and is doing himself no good at all. Google these words hearing loss and dementia and show the articles to your father.

I found the NHS hearing aids wouldn’t stay in my ears. They kept falling out, especially whenever I brushed my hair.
Once I had to scrabble underneath a table in a restaurant to retrieve one.

I haven’t bothered since. Also, the batteries don’t seem to last very long, you seem to be forever changing them. Im sure I wasted a lot.
If my hearing gets worse I don’t think I can afford The expensive ones. Hopefully your father can.

The longer your Dad leaves it before getting help with his hearing, the harder it will be for him to adjust to wearing hearing aids, if that’s what he needs. The brain adapts over the years to diminished hearing, and the sudden increase in volume as a result of hearing hearing aids, can cause as much irritation as relief and-can lead to reluctance to wear the aids, which are then dismissed as ‘useless’. Of course, it’s his choice, but if you can find a way to convince him to try sooner rather than later, you will be doing him a favour.

Hearing aids Transformed lives of many friends incl DH. He has state of art ones, adjustable discreetly by his iPhone, lifetime free batteries and support - all on NHS. He wishes he had done it 10 years ago. Maybe show him this thread!!

Grecian girl - persevere! Go back and talk to whoever supplied them! True, hair brushing / removing the Covid masks etc can ping them out or off, whatever shape they are in, but either try a different shape or learn new habits around hair brushing etc. I don’t know anyone who has regretted persevering. One GF said she felt years younger. It always takes a little time to adjust, let the brain screen out background noise - birdsong can sound deafening as can having a pee!!. It is the same if you suddenly start wearing glasses or some cataract ops.

I know just how you feel as I have been through this whole thing with my husband (69 yrs) - even to the point where he agreed to do a trial run with a hearing aid. It didn’t last long! He made every excuse under the sun as to why it wasn’t suitable - most of which were normal things experienced by most people and which eventually they get used to. But we ended up returning the whole thing and getting a refund. So we’re back to square one. I knew he would find a way out of it. I keep telling him that he is missing out socially and at just 69, it’s only going to get worse. Unfortunately the more you try to encourage them, the more stubborn they get! I see so many men wearing them that I get quite upset that he just won’t try it for longer - and also think of the people around him that also suffer! Maybe your Dad will get so upset at missing out that he will want to try, but unfortunately only he can make that decision. I do hope it works out for you.

I would try speaking to him again and put the emphasis on how much you all miss his conversational contributions to family get togethers and want his granddaughters to benefit from his company & experiences. If trying to talk to him is hard work, maybe write a lovely note/letter with all the reasons why you would love for him to be able to hear you all better and include safety reasons like kids calling for help or crying if hurt, road safety, pedestrian awareness etc.

I say all this as someone who was due to go for a hearing test just before lockdown and will go when it is safer to do so. My better half spent a few years dropping subtle hints about me going a bit deaf - I developed selective hearing and ignored the hints! I thought I was doing OK lip-reading when people were looking at me or taking educated guesses but when he pointed out a few quite important things I'd missed I finally realised I need to at least get tested, see what advice I'm given and take it from there. Hopefully you can persuade your dad to do something similar (point out he is not forced to accept the advice but could choose to do so)

I like the suggestion from @NotSpaghetti to get him to see an 'augmented hearing specialist' - might make him think his 'problem' is important. Good luck - hope dad is soon able to hear better.

Isn't it sad that wearing hearing aids seems to carry such a stigma for some people. As others have said, no one thinks twice about someone wearing glasses. Yet I was the same myself about my hearing until both my DH and my DD persuaded me to have a hearing test. That was about 15 years ago and once I got used to wearing aids the difference was amazing. DH now wears them too and the Bluetooth ones are fantastic for streaming directly from radio, phone or tv. Your dad would not regret it if he could be persuaded to have a test and wear hearing aids.

My mother waited so long to get hearing aids that when she got one it was only one for the 'good' ear. Had she gone earlier she would have been given two and this would have 'saved' her other ear. Because it could not hear it allowed the brain to switch off and use the cells for other things.

My husband has two hearing aids that you can hardly see. He does not use them when using power tools or gardening.

I have had hearing aids, the kind that go over the top of your ears, for about ten years. It’s amazing that many people that I know well haven’t noticed, even though I have a very short hairstyle. (Well, I did, but the virus means it is now a straggly medium-length ? )
If I mention that I wear them I often get surprised looks, and comments that they had never noticed.
Men can be incredibly stubborn. My late DH automatically dug his heels in whenever any suggestion was made.
I would just casually say that you think that you will have to stop him childminding, as you feel that it’s no longer safe, then the ball’s in his court. Quite possibly it could just be impacted wax, but he needs to get checked out for his own safety, too.

My husband has had a hearing issue for years. Took me 17 years to get him to acknowledge this. He kept saying I spoke too softly. Only when children were early teens and they told him they heard everything I said and it wasn't too quiet that he did something about it. Years of hearing aids NHS which made a difference. He mow has a cochlear implant and is amazed he can gear birds singing. Persevere with your Dad. He may well only have a severe wax problem that do it yourself attempts may not clear. Get him to his GP. Use blackmail if you have to eg your children are fed up having to repeat everything to him and they aren't sure he has heard properly. Or he can be in danger if he doesn't hear fire alarm. No one realty wants to acknowledge they may have disability but this may well be easily fixed.